Nia, Sis has never acknowledged these suggestions, much less made a request for assistance ... >shrug<

Pep

The building of alliances thing could help... but NOT with his co-workers. Cops are a tight knit group and she will be considered in a not so great light if she does some of these things. With other people in town, yes, do it. But cops will see right through this stuff and NOT be pleased with it.

SHe has the best alliances possible in her IL's. Neighbors, friends etc ... but not the station house... BIG NO NO.

See, here's an example of the kind of insensitive comment that LS doesn't need. You could have worded it differently ... like how about, "Nia, if LS wants my input on this, I'd be happy to give it".

I think those little jabbing comments are what wear LS down and make her not want to come back here.

A sad fact that I had to learn...

FIGHTING INFIDELITY IS A WAR THAT REQUIRES EMOTIONAL STRENGTH AND TOUGHNESS....

We do Sis a huge disservice if we do not help her develop the STAMINA TO WAGE WAR!!

And that EMOTIONAL STRENGTH and TOUGHNESS comes from where? By her 10,000 LIFTING her up... not tearing her down. Sis, know this... there are many of us holding your arms up when you can't... We're the "unseen" network behind you (like the commercials <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) The advice you've received today is right on... if you can't Plan A WH, then do the other things suggested and make an impact (I kinda think you already have) so that when you GO VERY DARK, WH and HIS WORLD remembers the LIGHT of you.

I ADMIRE THE STRENGTH AND TOUGHNESS THAT SHE ALREADY HAS...

I wish she had more confidence in herself...

I hope you don't think I was cutting her down..

But I will continue to encourage her to BE TOUGH...because LOVE MUST BE TOUGH...in order to COMBAT EVIL....

LS,


Excellent! You've made the right call/choice appointment with SH.


Excellent! You've made the right red flag choice calling "TO" chill time!


OKAY, sounds like your dealing with a unseen physiology dimension in play called "Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome"


U might want to do a quick search study/remedies.


Adrenal glands can only handle Prolonged Stress for so long.


Always do/go with what feels right& good for yourself/kids.


I know what's it like to deal with multiple twisted people at the same time coming in from all sorts of angles. My exh was so very sick, still is with his serial infidelities.


With my exh in heat. I needed to remind my self to step out side out the power struggle.


I had to do some pretty wild zanny things in response to the bring the intensity factor down to a simmer.



Hope you'll remember that a marriage and relationship is a two way street not a one way. Right now it's one way serving him. Just for a time.



No matter how this turns out, you will continue to emerge a all round better adjusted person.


___________________________________________________________

Mimi1254


I'm not hiding but busy on these boards/other sites with finding jokes and humor. Since we don't have a humorologist on this site to help with stress relief.


We soooo need a MASH UNIT/Martini's...Klinger would be my vote of choice to get people through the woes/blows of adultery. Loved his clothing style. Lol


Of course everyone here is so articulate with dispensing good advice and great support adding more would be a repeat.

Here's some of the mental toughness training that helped me the most.

1. Accept that you are a "10". You are! What ever "imperfections" you see in yourself - including your "perfectionism" makes you 100% YOU. Sacred. Unrepeatable. Daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who you love - and He loves you! Just like the roses you drop off to your husband are "perfect" roses - complete with beauty, fragrance, softness and thorns - you are a perfect YOU.

2. Accept that you are deserving of respect - starting with your own personal respect for yourself - your feelings, your tender heart, your passionate and loving nature for your family, etc. Respect that about yourself - and accept nothing less than complete respect for you from yourself. Then you can require respectful treatment from others including your fogged-out wayward husband.

3. Protect yourself from stimulus that "invalidates" #1 and #2. That means you stop taking ANYTHING that comes out of "stupid-head" personally - because it comes from your enemy. Why would you take a poison dart that might be aimed at you, but without you accepting it, falls worthlessly and harmlessly to the ground. It can only hurt you if you pick it up and take it into your heart - so think about that poison dart - literally picking it up and thrusting it into your own heart. It's now YOUR responsibility to STOP picking up poison darts that land at your feet.

4. In order to accomplish #3 - imagine a thick bullet-proof piece of plexiglass that surrounds you - when your wayward starts throwing trash at you, it lands harmlessly on HIS side of the glass. And he gets to clean up his own mess.

5. Finally - know this. Any time you take his "stuff" personally, you HARM his ability to recover the marriage - because it will take HIS actions to save the marriage. You can only keep the lighthouse shining and the door open. But he has to walk through, and then do the hard work of cleaning it up. Any time you allow incidents like Friday and Saturday to hurt you and devastate you to this degree, you are adding to the mountain of pain he has to go through to come back to you. He already thinks he's gone too far to come back now; and the more he sees your pain, the more that belief is reinforced.

In other words, LS, remember the words of our crucified Lord on the cross as he looked at the Roman soldiers who had driven nails into his hands, wrists and feet, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do."

Your husband truly is out of his mind and knows not what he does. You have the blessed opportunity to suffer a small part of what our Savior suffered as He suffered the effects of our sins - you are suffering the effects of your husband's sins. If you succeed, someday you will truly be able to look your repentant remorseful husband in the eyes and say "I remember them no more." The suffering you are going through can refine you as a spiritual being and help you draw closer to Jesus, or it can destroy you.

You choose. You have many here praying for you. But this is not easy work and we cannot do the work for you. We can only offer sustaining love and faith that God is with you, carrying you as you go through this - to become a stronger, more loving, more Christian woman - even than before.

LilSis,

If you read this again, I'm editing and removing my previous post. I don't want to cause more trouble here. I want this to be a safe place for you.

Hang in there and I hope this becomes a good place where you can find support and love -- even if people don't agree with you or what you're doing.

Hi everyone. Thank you, again, for your prayers and concern.

This is hard, hard, hard work, as you ALL know. I am hard enough on myself. I do not have people in my real life who understand or are familiar with MB. Just me, and I'm trying my best. Kayla...I love your words of strength. I am going to print those off. That is the kind of advice I need right now.

But I am tapped out. I have just needed to get away from all of this for a while. From the "drama" here (again, agree or not, that is how I have experienced it) and from the drama of interacting with WH. I have been trying to reconnect spiritually. I am troubled that I got to a point where I was putting more faith and more time into MB than I was in my relationship with God. That was not a good thing.

I am taking my own temperature. I had a long conversation with MIL yesterday morning, and I had an appt with my IC in the afternoon. As I told MIL in an email last night, I still feel unsettled. I need to get a better handle on where *I* am and what I am prepared to do. Until I do have some peace and understanding of my own state of mind, I am holding off on an appt. with SH.

No matter what his direction, I have to be in a place to carry it out. I am not emotionally prepared to do anything right now.

One thing I have come to understand is that there is no urgency here. Nothing is going to change overnight. WH is still here. RT is still here. I'm still here. I cannot change the past. There is no point in me running myself into the ground...panicking if I don't do some great Plan A "thing" every day or go to Plan B today or tomorrow. I'm just stepping back from it all.

I began working on a PBL yesterday. Don't know when or if I will deliver it, but I felt compelled to write. I've got it pretty well down. Honestly, I am reluctant to post it here because it is my heart, my words. I began with eav's PBL as a skelaton and modified it. Again, for ME, with something that is so critical, such a heart-felt communication, *I* need to use my words. I know this is not supposed to be about what I need, but in a way, it is. I NEED to be true to MY heart.

Just so you know...MIL and IC...both of whom KNOW me intimately (for lack of a better word)....BOTH suggested I just step back for a while. I brought up with both of them the idea of just going dark, and neither thought it was a good idea right now. Not when I am so unsettled, so uncertain, so emotional. No need to do anything.

Practically, regarding interactions with WH, just be friendly, just show caring, but do not engage. Do not push. Be still. Literally, my IC suggested that I be still. Do not shut off my light, but do not seek out the fog-bound ship, either. Let the light go automated for a while. Find my will, my grit, my determination again. Seek God's help for that.

That is the advice that I am taking right now, from people who know me, see me, can evaluate me in ways that you all cannot. It may be contrary to MB principles, and you may kick me off the boards or choose not to post to me if you are uncomfortable with that.

I hope you can respect that.

All that said, I don't want to leave anyone in the dark about things that I've learned. In my conversation with MIL, she shared that had spoken to WH on Wednesday morning. She was not encouraged. He seemed "isolated" to her. No progress.

He said something that give her the clear idea that he was not saying ANYTHING to RT about what is going on with me. He said he felt "pushed" by me. He said something about "if you love something, set it free." Gag. I told MIL that sounds like it came right from RT's mouth. She has no idea of the status of RT/WH relationship because WH KNOWS that MIL does not acknowledge it.

She also said (with an element of disgust) that WH revealed that HIS IC asked him if *I* had "any idea of how difficult it would be to reconcile, given everything that has happened." THAT is probably the most discouraging thing I have heard in a long time.

I had a meeting last night, so I called WH in the afternoon to confirm drop off. He was out on a walk, answered the cell. He was short with me. I asked him if he would just prefer if I went away, disappeared. He said, "What? Where is this coming from all of the sudden?" I said that he had been very short with me lately and I was sensing that he would rather not interact with me.

"Do I have to be all sunshiny all the time? Am I not allowed to have a bad day, be down?"

I paused, then said laughingly, "Well, that would be an unrealistic expectation, wouldn't it?" He sincerely laughed at that, and said, "Yeah." We hung up. Later, I dropped the boys off at the end of the driveway and didn't go in. When I picked them up, the three of them were at the end of the driveway with the dog. I stepped out to greet the dog. WH seemed down, looked drawn. I was friendly and smiled, and the boys and I got in the car. DS11 informed me that they hadn't had dinner; because he looked so sad and alone standing there, I asked WH if he would like to go out with us to grab something. "No thanks, I need to go grocery shopping."

Just to keep you updated....I'm not really looking for reactions or comments. I don't know what is going on with him, but I am not going to try to figure it out. I need to work on me, gather up my resources, find my grounding...which means that I NEED be VERY true to myself for the time being.

Keep praying for me, everyone! I am praying for my strength, and thanking God each time for the support I find here.

LisSis,

One thing... I don't think that a session with SH equates with taking drastic action right now. He might help you with being still more than anyone else. He can help you to find a holding pattern where you can stop and take care of yourself, while helping you to make sense of how to keep low-key interactions with your WH, where it'll be most effective with him and the most protective of you.

Just one more voice gently encouraging you where I think you'll get the best advice and most help and solace.

Take your time and find your center Lilsis. You know how you are feeling better than anyone. We will be here should you need anything.

{{{LILSIS}}}

MEDC

Prayer is invaluable. During my H's A, at some point I started getting on my knees and praying specifically for what I wanted for the greater good. (one of which was that my H would find OW repulsive, or some such, and that he would be drawn to me)

It is a good thing if your WH is down a bit...it means he is conflicted. It isn't feeling all that good to be him right now. He was hoping for a lot of fun with RT. Maybe the reality of his choices is starting to sink in. It can all still work out for you; not necessarily in our time frame....but.

Recovery can be hard work but it is worth it and thus more valuable than the alternative. Lots of time the most growth is born from painful This message can somehow be communicated to your H...show that there is hope.

(((lilsis)))

we're here for you.

take care of yourself.

I'm really, really sad for you is all I can say.

PLEASE STOP LISTENING TO HIS WORDS...he will LIE to his own mother and his therapist and whomever else...

Of course, I will continue to pray for you..

My prayer, though, will be for you to gain strength to do THE PLANS and to not give up...

BTW, I did not post my PBL here, agreeing for your need for privacy in that respect...

My now dear, dear H tells me that one of the major factors in our RECOVERY was the fact that I DID NOT GIVE UP..that blew the OW's mind..that regardless of what awful things happened..the awful things he did..and the awful things he said...I MAINTAINED MY DETERMINATION TO FIGHT FOR MY MARRIAGE...

I'm not saying that you are not FIGHTING but I don't experience you as being any different than me..I suffer/suffered from depression..I was an emotional wreck..was basically anorexic at the time...WHAT HELPED ME was to ACT and to not give in to my feelings....when I didn't know how in the world I could carry on without my H...

I probably already said too much so I'll shut up now...

Sis,

While you are in the "be still" mode, please go to the library and get a copy of "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson.

It is a real eye opener....You will only need to read the front portion of the book, it is not overwhelming. I think you will see a perspective there you haven't seen before. You do not have to do anything, just read it. You will get such mental strenghth from Dobson, it is amazing.

Also, there was post on MB called "It's the Fear" or something, by Starfish ( I think)...sorry so vague. Maybe Pep or Mimi have a link to it. After reading this websight for almost 2 years, I never felt as inspired to move as when I read that post. I will try to search for it and bump it.

I just read the FEAR post. I'm not sure if that's what's going on with Sis.

Sis or others..why does she continue to ASK her WH questions as if he will answer her honestly? Why is she putting credence in what he is saying to his mother? Is she having a hard time with accepting the reality of all this..who he is? I'm thinking DENIAL is the problem...but maybe DENIAL is a means of coping with FEAR... I'm trying to understand this if not for Sis' sake..for others...

She'd rather listen to what he says to his mother..about his counseling sessions..than to get assistance from Steve Harley?

Of course, he's going to lie to his therapist so that his therapist will support his decision to stay in the affair...

My H spent MONTHS in therapy during his A and all he talked about was how HORRIBLE I was and the therapist supported him with this... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Mimi..continuing to talk too much this morning....

Mimi,

I understand why you're frustrated when you feel that you know of something that works and LilSis isn't completely ready for it yet.

I think she's doing the best she can and that the best everyone can do here is to try to gently remind her of what has worked for them, while supporting her as she struggles along and tries to find her way. She needs safety now more than anything. If she feels safer and more accepted with her real-life friends and family, she'll listen more to them. If everyone here wants to truly help, then everyone needs to remember how fragile she is. Once she's strong, she'll be back to her fighting self again. MB doesn't need to hinder her from regaining that strength and being ready to take the necessary steps to get the point where she feels capable of taking more action. Is she's not here, she won't get any direction about MB principals. And I think she's worth waiting for and being patient.

That's my opinion, FWIW.

I believe there are many reactions to FEAR, as varied as the people reacting. I know my own denial allowed the A to continue far too long. That FEAR post really spoke to me....perhaps it was at a time that I was ready to hear it. I will always remember how empowered I felt when I read it. I have bumped the post.

Please sis, read Dobson, you won't regret it.

I think your WH is in a mid-life crisis of gargantuan proportions.

lol mimi.

But I hear what you are saying. I projected an image to everyone around me. I was honest with absolutely no one.
It makes me very sad to think back on how very isolated I was (by my own choice...)

My mother tried to reach me. From the perspective of wanting what was best for her grandkids. Not against me, but trying to get me to do what was right. But I wouldn't even let her reach me.

Lilsis, I know you're hurting. But you are so much stronger. Reaching out to him hurts you, so just be still. He'll come to you.

He's built such a wall around himself. He's isolated himself just like I did. He's not honest with anyone. Not OW. Not his parents. Not you. Not his friends.

He's doing all this to be happy. He's not happy now -- but he thinks if he gets through all of this, he'll be happy in the future. What he hasn't realized yet is that its not coming. He hasn't realized that his biggest source of unhappiness is himself, and he's still going to have to live with that.

I actually feel very sorry for the struggle your husband has coming. Pep talked about your crucible. Do you have any idea how brave, and strong, and incredible you have been through yours? Your husband's is coming. And he doesn't have your strength.

This affair will end. I think you will get through it faster and with the least damage if you use the MB plans. But even if you don't, his affair will end. I hope for his sake you still want him then.

But no matter what Lilsis, a great life and much happiness is ahead for you. You are truly an incredible person.