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Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ~Benjamin Franklin~
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Thanks, RS. I had found it and (finally) added it to my favorites. (I just figured out that I could do that...)

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LS:

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So I can focus on some things that are non-A-related. Cleaning my house. Doing some baking. Shoveling the driveway. Catching up on laundry.


Well are they all done?

Are you feeling refreshed and relaxed?

LG

Please note: Only 10 minutes, OK? This is the first time your thread has dropped off the front page in 2.5 months!

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Hi LG:
Yes, the boys and I got quite a bit of work done around the house yesterday. It's back to the work week...and the security of a routine.

I don't know about refreshed and relaxed, though. More settled? More grounded? But I don't remember what "refreshed" feels like, and "relaxed" means unconscious these days.

One little vent, if you don't mind. WH last had the boys for only about an hour on Thursday night. He was off on Friday, worked Sat. and Sun., and was off today and tomorrow. No call or contact with the boys all weekend; no phone call to the boys, no attempt to see them or spend time with them since Thurs., and even then, he was eager to unload them on me when my meeting was cancelled. I ASSUME he's getting them tomorrow after school.

I know, I know...do not expect anything from a crack addicted WS. His focus is getting his fix. His children do not matter in the face of getting a fix. He cannot be distracted from the fix by thinking of his sons. Everything and everyone is secondary to the fix.

Two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks and he's gone. No more trading the kids back and forth. No more seeing that hard uncaring look in his eyes and anticipating some cutting remark. No more seeing his car at the coffee shop around the corner where RT works. No more stomach jumping into my throat every time I pass a cruiser. No more wondering...

I told MIL that I would be so relieved when he is HER problem instead of mine. When he leaves, I will be able to breathe again.

No matter how much I "let go" of control, how much I try to eliminate expectations...it's really hard. It still takes a toll. Even from a step away.

I'll be much more comfortable at 2000 miles away.

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((( Sis )))

You are talking about the peace that you will find when WH leaves in two weeks. Sweetie, you do know that that is what you will find when and if you go to Plan B. I am certainly not trying to tell you to do something that you are not ready for yet. But just taking the opportunity to help you understand it a little bit more. And, I do know that the whole concept is very scary. I understand.

A thousand hugs to you Sis.

Carnation


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{{{{{LILSIS}}}}}

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Thanks, MEDC.

Carn:
Thanks for checking in and offering some reassurance. I AM afraid of Plan B...and how it will be different from when he is AWAY.

In Plan B, WH will still be here, around the corner at RT's coffee shop. He'll still be driving around in the cruiser. I will be in this place of...I don't know how else to describe it...heightened anxiety? heightened awareness? ALL the time. Always vigilant, always on the lookout. Always wondering...

It is just too much. I can't escape it, or him. I don't know if I can even do Plan B. Logistically, or emotionally.

I spent all morning praying for PEACE. I sat in my car in the parking lot before I got out to walk to the office...asking for someONE to be there for me. I feel really alone. My friends and sisters are at work. MIL is unavailable for a week while they drive to California and visit relatives. My wonderful friends here at work would do anything (and have), but at the office is just not the time or place.

I got in to work and one of my friends here had forwarded a peace prayer to me.

I guess that will do. God answers our prayers in his own ways, in his own time, and in ways we don't understand.

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Have you considered moving?

Before you list all the reasons you can't, just think about it.

Not being around the corner from the coffee shop....outside of WH's patrol area....away from the memories.....new start for you and the boys.....

Don't push it off the table, just let it sit there and look at it for awhile. It might also have the emotional impact for your WH that it did for Mimi's.

Maybe a nice new townhouse? No shoveling, no mowing....

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In Plan B, WH will still be here, around the corner at RT's coffee shop. He'll still be driving around in the cruiser. I will be in this place of...I don't know how else to describe it...heightened anxiety? heightened awareness? ALL the time. Always vigilant, always on the lookout. Always wondering...

Sis - you are forgetting that while in Plan B, YOU are the one who has control and HE is the one who is has to be "always vigilant, always on the lookout, and always wondering."

Especially he will ALWAYS be wondering.

That's why Plan B is so effective. He no longer has control. You do. Don't be afraid.
Mulan


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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This is the prayer forwarded to me today...it's nice, so I thought I'd share. Interestingly, Athanasuis prayed to St. Theresa on my behalf some time ago...

Saint Theresa's prayer:

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content
knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

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good morning!
(it's still before noon)

thanks for sharing that prayer.
I "know" St.Theresa quite well. She was one of my Grandmothers favorites.

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Did you try lifting your arms up and giving this to God ? It really works for me... close your eyes and raise your arms and say ... I can't handle it... You handle it for awhile... help me Dear God... Please try this honey... it may help a little.

If you would like my e mail address, I will gladly post it here for awhile. I will help you out any way that I can.

Car


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Almost all the girls in my religion class picked St. Theresa as their confirmation name !!! (The Little Flower)


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Lex: The thought of moving has always been in the back of my mind. It's impractical for the moment, though, as the D is still in play. Maybe it would do me some good to just start looking for places. It could also address the issue of the kid's school...right now we live outside the district that they attend, so no bussing. I have to drive them back and forth to two different schools each day. That won't work if I go to full time.

Mulan: That's why I think I'm not in a place to do Plan B now. I don't feel like I can let go right now. You know how it feels when you are hanging and someone says..."Let go! I'll catch you!" 0r "you'll only drop a couple of feet!"

I don't TRUST. I don't trust myself to be able to have the courage to let go. I am afraid that no one will catch me or that I will fall and fall and fall into this bottomless pit.

Do you see why I've been trying SO hard to find my faith? Because that's what I need to have in order to let go. To believe that I will be okay, even in the face of my own doubt. That someone (God) will catch me, that I won't fall to the bottom of the pit.

I am scared that I won't be okay.

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Carn: I have taken your advice a number of times! Thank you for sharing suggestion that a while back. I think of it everytime I need to "stretch" as I sit at my desk, and make a point to "stretch" more often. I just wish the "good feeling" from that lasted just a bit longer...

Morning, nia. Got it in just in the nick of time.

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Howdy Sis!

Not quite sure what I've missed while I've been getting ready, gone, and getting back, but it sounds like now, right at this moment, you are doing well overall.

Even just reading the last little bit, I am afraid to ask for cliff notes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Without having any clue what any disagreements may have been about, and thus having no opinions, useful or otherwise, I will just keep my lack of opinions to myself, lol!

One highlight of my trip was a nice, long visit to Cabela's. My dad was sooooooo jealous when he found out! Neaksis and I brought him some cherry sours and Boston baked beans with the actual Cabela label on them, to help him cope. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We all got a good laugh out of the childrens' coloring section. Surely there would be a few beautiful nature coloring books? No. Little Bubba Goes Deer Hunting. Little Bubba Goes Duck Hunting. How to Stalk, Kill, and Dress Your First Buck Before You Turn Eight. (Ok, slight exaggeration, but not much. And I didn't see anything about squirrel or possum.)

For only $249 we could have gotten a cute little cot bunk bed that would have been just perfect for Grandpa and Mom. (Mom hates camping.)

And now, thanks to AJ and Neaksis, our children had to be told, "You at least have to take off your [censored] caps to go into church." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So how are you doing today? I can really sympathize with having trouble leaving things in God's hands. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I poured a massive amount of nervous energy, into always, constantly doingdoingdoingdoing, every second of the day and night. I wasn't on MB till close to the end, so there was nobody to tell me to be still.

Well, I'm sure God tried. He did get through on many occasions, and I was more aware of the Still, Small Voice than at any other time in my life. But as time passes and my hindsight gets better, I can also see some areas my Plan A could have improved.

On the one hand, my interactions with then-WH were just about flawless (but not perfect - quite <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />). I never LB'd him, and it drove him nuts trying to get to me. But on the other hand, I saved NONE of my energy for myself, and precious little for the children. (I don't beat up on myself though, especially since he was living at home, and that made it very intense and I was always every day having my face rubbed in what he was doing. I only did the best I could, with the circumstances given me, which is all we each can do anyway.)

So it is great to see you distributing your energy much more equitably. Your end of Plan A time, and also your early R, will be much better for you having taken the time to take care of yourself.

Well, the Dervish has slipped off (probably to watch Grandpa's TV <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) instead of doing his schoolwork, so I'm going to have to hunt him down. Just wanted to say hi, though, since I'm back and getting caught up on my work stuff.

Neak <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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checking out new houses might be a nice distraction for you.

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Hi Neak.

You've probably missed a lot, so let's just say I had a not anywhere in the neighborhood--nay, the planet--of a Plan A interaction with WH a week ago Saturday. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Then I gave him a letter, which was highly controversial, then I pi$$ed everyone off on MB by essentially telling them to shaddup.

So anyway, still spinning from that, I think. Probably listening TOO HARD for that still, small voice. I should just be still so I can FEEL it. But my head keep chattering away at me, so even if I am physically still, I am trying so hard to clear my mind that....of course, all I can think about is clearing my mind. Arrrgh!!

There's talk that a Cabela's is going in locally. I know it's a huge attraction...good for the economy and all, but for me, Gander Mountain is pretty out there, so I don't think I'll be a frequent shopper. (except of course to purchase [censored] caps for the boys...) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

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Wow, miss 20 pages, and look what happens! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Honestly, I think that where you are right now illustrates why, in most cases, a much shorter Plan B is in order. The idea is to go to Plan B before the head-chattering gets too bad.

However, I also believe you are one of the few exceptions, and that because of the circumstances of the A, and your early LB's, that a longer Plan A will be more effective. So I am not disagreeing with you about that, but it's like if you had cancer and had to take chemo, but your cancer was more advanced than average, so you ended up taking chemo longer, even though it made you sicker than most.

At the risk of being told to shaddup, lol!, I don't think you need to worry about timing your Plan B exactly with your IL's return. (I say this, not even knowing if you are, but I've got to start somewhere.)

That divinely ordained confluence of circumstance is going to be weighing your WH down, whether it all hits the same day, or just close together. My own personal opinion (yay, I have at least read enough now to have ONE personal opinion), would be that if you hold out at least past the middle of March, that you would have made it into the maximum benefit slot.

Just theoretically, suppose you went to Plan B after the 3rd week of May. Then he would have several weeks to really start missing you before the rest of the events hit him hard and forced some type of action.

It will be scary to let go, no doubt about it. But just as God rested from His labors at the end of the creation week, and didn't go right up to sundown trying to hurry up and create even more stuff, so there is going to be a time that, even if you could cram more in, you will need to just rest, and trust that what you have done is enough.

And that if it wasn't enough, nothing would have been.

Did you fight your labor coach, lol? "I won't let go of my baby! I'm not ready for this!" And yet ready or not, it eventually was the right time, and you let go, embraced the pain, and came through to the other side.



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />[censored] caps<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Ok, just one more opinion. Moving is a good thing to start thinking about.

Once you reach recovery, you will not get far if you are still tripping over the OW every time you leave the house, and have to worry about whether your H is tripping over her, too.

Moving is going to be a critical piece of R, and one of the things your H would need to agree to in order to come back home.

It's not too soon to start looking around to see what might be available elsewhere, and nia is right that it might be fun. (It is for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

Don't do anything that would overwhelm you - you don't have permission for that! But if you have a day where you need to fill some time, you might enjoy window shopping.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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