Ok, Sis.

Thanks for explaining. I understand now.

I probably can't relate well because I never got to your place.

I am one who had to be pushed and shoved and kicked into PLAN B...

That's a great analogy Lil Sis. Here's a scripture for you...

Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Lil Sis

Okay - Sis, in your post you made it sound like Plan B was not "letting go" but "giving up".

I should have posted that Plan B is not about "giving up" as in "giving up and letting the OP have the WS and not thinking about it anymore."

It's not about giving up.

It's about taking back the only control you have over the situation. I think you will be amazed at what a relief that is.
Mulan

Sis,
Have you called Steve Harley? If not, why not? We can all keep telling you how we see Plan A and Plan B but he can give you the Plan for Sis.

Why is Plan B not an option now?

Plan B helps the BS protect the love they have left for the WS. By delaying Plan B, you are surely not protecting the love you have left. By the time you think it is a good time for Plan B, is there going to be any love left?

Your original Plan B was for the week of your birthday. Personally, I wish you had stayed with that date. Don't keep pushing the date back.

You said something about Plan B not being an option logistically. You are not the only person who has had children and had to go to Plan B. They do it. You can do it, too.

I have been praying for you. Everytime I see a Vibe, I pray for you. I know I am not the only one praying for you.

You have the strength to do it. You just have to let go.

Let go.

Have you made any progress on your Plan B letter?

Did you put in there a clear road map on the way home?

Have you arranged for someone to be your go-between?

If you did not click with Steve Harley, call his dad on the radio show.

I hate to see you in limbo land. That is not the plan for anyone.

I should have phrased this better. It takes courage to let go of false hope, based on desperate expectations and clutching at straws.

It takes guts to face up to reality, which in the case of Plan B is not just that your spouse may never come back, but that you may never want him/her back given what they've become. That is a tough one to accept.

LS, your monkey bar analogy was spot on.

TA

I keep thinking about what your WH said to MIl....If you love something, set it free.....if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn't, it never was to begin with....
I look at plan B like that.....you are setting him free....and setting yourself free too.
You can not be positive what the outcome will be......but, you know YOU will be fine.

I have also wondered why you have not called Steve Harley again.

as far as plan A goes...did you see the things that Pep mentioned?

and...i like the idea of being the BEST YOU that you can be. I agree w/ you...YOUR WH seemed to react better to you when you were being yourself.

She already addressed earlier on this thread why she has not called Steve:

I just want CLARIFICATION about what this means...

Because PLAN A is definitely about DEMONSTRATING CHANGES...

And that does not mean that you are not being yourself...

my SELF decided to work on CHANGE..to begin to openly express my ADMIRATION and APPRECIATION towards my H..among other things..SELF learned, practiced and demonstrated NEW SKILLS..in that process, I was not being PHONY..I hope that is not the implication that is being made...

If SELF was ADEQUATE, the marriage would not have been VULNERABLE to an AFFAIR...

I'M SO GLAD THAT I AM NO LONGER MY OLD SELF...regardless of whether my marriage reached RECOVERY OR NOT...

Giving WH his freedom was, for me, a powerful part of my PBL. He sure didn't feel free.

For the WS, the unexpected release of tension does not so much resemble welcome freedom, as being dropped in the middle of the field at the Superbowl......nekkid.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know you're tired (severe understatement), but you can do this. I Plan A'd for nearly 4 months start to finish, so when I say I know how you feel, I do. (Since he never moved out, there were not even breaks when he took the kids. I'm sure you know I am not recommending that as a good route, as ill as I was when it was done.)

As an alternative, too, if you were just too tired, (and there is no shame in that), you could also go into Plan B right before he leaves. Let him explain to his mother why you won't talk to him any more. Let him think about it for hours as he drives.

I'm not pushing any particular timeline here, since you have a number of good options, any of which will work well.

The only way you will get any argument from me was if you decided you couldn't/wouldn't go into Plan B at all. I would strenuously disagree with that. Dr. Harley told a friend that 85 percent of A's (where MB principles are being used) must have Plan B implemented before the A ends. Not only is it the very very best chance for your M, but it is also the best protection for your sanity.

Such close proximity to evil will affect even the most faithful Christian, and cannot continue indefinitely.

Is it late enough there for you to consider it only 12 more days till he leaves?

Hang in there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

sorry...missed it.


mimi...
I was suggesting her being her BEST LilSis.....someone who has changed for the better....and is confident and comfortable w/ herself.
That LS seemed to be the LS that WH responded best to....he ran away when she came on too strong/sexual.

No matter what words are used...letting go, giving up...making that transition is a BIG BIG deal with real implications for me personally and for my M. It's not something I can do on a dime. You know me...I agonize over everything.

Meggy: I was just reading Isaiah today! I was looking for the "still small voice" passage. I'm embarrassed to admit I'm pretty new to Bible-reading (I think it's a Catholic thing for me), and this is one of the first times I've ventured into the OT. Others were for Job and Hosea. I went to the bookstore this afternoon and bought a "Bible in a Year" that MIL used, so hopefully I'll get more comfortable with it all.

I also bought a book to give to WH before he leaves on his trip. It highlights scenic and back roads throughout the southwest. WH loves road trips and going the "back way."

Update:

He came by to drop off the boys, and I gave him his mail and stuff for the taxes. He flipped through it and opened the electric bill...way up. We speculated that it is because the attic is heated by an electric fireplace on an as-needed basis. On the flip side, he also opened the gas bill...way down. Mr. Environmental was thrilled by this...a testimony to all the insulation we added when we retrofitted the attic.

Before he left, I gave him a hug, kiss on the neck, and said ILY and have a good day tomorrow. He chatted a minute...didn't seem desperate to leave...but wasn't going to hang around either. He yelled to the boys, "love you" as he was leaving; I smiled and BATTED MY EYELASHES and said, "does that go for me, too?" He chuckled.

Course now my anxiety has already returned.

MF: It's not the kids keeping me from Plan B. It's the timeline...13 days until WH leaves for 10-12 days to visit his folks. I'd rather use this time to make a few positive memories for him....knowing that I have that respite coming in 13 days is like a bright light at the end of a tunnel. I think I can hang in here 13 days...know what I mean? This was also SH's previous advice...keep it up as long as possible. It only makes sense to stick it out until WH leaves for his trip.

I feel pretty confident that I am not risking my feelings for him as long as I keep it light and don't give him any opportunity to lash out at me. I.e.; no roses...which elicited a negative reaction the day of the meltdown. (I do like the idea of 57 at PBL!)

That break...when WH will be under his parent's influence...will really give me some much needed relief...moreso than Plan B...because crossing paths with him won't happen AT ALL. Not even the possibility the the cruiser driving the opposite direction is WH. Sweet freedom.

The confluence will begin shortly after WH returns. That's when it will be time to go to Plan B. EXACTLY when will be determined on advice of SH.

Since I'm not in a position financially to call SH regularly, I'd rather wait to call him around that time...so that I can report how things went up until the time that WH leaves, and also give some feedback (via MIL) about how that visit goes.

actually I didn't miss this...but, I think it was a couple of days ago wasn't it?
I was under the impression that she was going to call him after she got centered.

Sounds like a GOOD PLAN, Sis... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Although I'm no MB expert, I agree with Mimi (who is!). This DOES sound like a well thought out plan. Take the time while WH is gone to BREATHE... and prepare for a stellar Plan B sometime soon after he returns (fresh from momma tellin' him like it is!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I was thinking that the 57 roses on Plan B day was a great idea --

I think I have changed my mind... of course, no offense to any of the fine posters here... and take my advice with a grain of salt, not an expert by any stretch of the imagination --

But.. when you now replied that the last time you did the rose thing brought a negative reaction from him !! that is the WORST thing that you could do just before going dark. In my humble opinion you do not want to upset him at that time, or even take the chance of doing it.

Just my opinion, but think the roses right at Plan B letter time might not work out....


carnation

Love the idea of giving him the book before his trip. Seems like something that would mean something to him.

And for what it's worth...
Quote:"So it's me...trying to make it to the end of the marathon and I'm exhausted and thirsty and nauseous and my legs are giving out and I have fewer people cheering me on."

I think you have more people cheering you on than you know.

You can make it. We're all standing along the sidelines praying you along the route.

i like the book idea. Hate the rose at pbl day. i support you even though i dont post- ever. also like the "calmer" plan a...worked for me! good luck!!!

LilSis,

I would like to first say I hope I didn't add to your pain and sorrow, if I did, I am sorry for that.

I realize that you are not in a good place right now, and don't want to increase it, I did suspect the reason for not calling SH was money, I think this came up before your call the first time. I respect that you make your own choices for you, I do remember that you said you don't like to have credit card balances and pay it off monthly.

I spoke to SH only once myself, however, I am in very poor financial health thus it is a burden I can't assume to call him right now, that part I understand.

In your case, I suggested it as one would throw a life ring to someone in risk of drowning, a lifeline to make sense of this all. Sometimes we don't click with someone bc they may presume to know us when they don't. SH may have come on too strong and generalized with you about yourself or your WH that may not have sat well with you, would you agree or am I way off base?

I can't vouch for SH or his advice, but I can say lots of people were helped by him and in turn helped others (including me!) so indirectly, I benefited. I believe the Harley's understand A's much more than most therapiest as it is a focus of theirs. Thus, IMHO, it benefits us on both sides of the A to go for advice and listen with our heads, not necessarily our hearts, to advice. (Lots of this is counter-intuitive).

Something to chew on anyways,

I wish you the best,

Good morning, everyone.

I woke up with this sense of dread, icy, icy fingers of fear grasping my heart. For some reason, I was having this very vivid memory of walking into the jail. I remember the feel of A's coat (the cop who took me in). I sort of clutched at it at that moment...sort of like the last contact with someone human, knowing I was going into a place where my life had led me. I was worth nothing, less than nothing, deserving of being cut off from civilized society. I was inhuman, and it was a fitting place for me.

At the time, I felt nothing. Cold. It was about midnight. I was not sleeping. I was 93 pounds.

After what happened at RT's house, I had come home and began throwing everything of WH's out into the backyard. It was beginning to snow. When WH found out I was throwing his stuff out, he came over with FIL. WH and I had this screaming, hideous fight. WH finally left, leaving me with FIL. I was crying so hard that I could not stand up. FIL held me, sat me down at the kitchen table where I laid my head down and bawled. FIL knelt beside me and rubbed my back, shh, shh, shh.

For some reason, maybe the motion light went on, I lifted my head, looked out the window, and saw two cops walking up to the back door. My first thought was that WH had called them for destroying his stuff by throwing it outside.

This was two hours after the "incident." At that point, the events at RT's were almost a distant memory.

They told me I was going to be arrested and would go to jail for what had happened at RT's. They questioned me. They would not let me go upstairs and get my glasses; I had literally cried the contacts out of my eyes. FIL went upstairs to get my glasses.

These things are burned in my memory. I was absolutely, totally spent at that point. I had broken down completely; there was nothing left. And now this. But I remember every detail in living color. The feel of A's coat. Checking the kids hot lunch calendar to tell FIL if he would need to pack them a lunch in the morning. The way the sergeant stood, leaning against my kitchen counter. Walking out to the cruiser, thinking it was a good thing I had taken out the garbage earlier, before anything happened. I remember the ride...the exact route we took, how the roads looked, the wet pavement. The way A called in the mileage...knowing that they have to do that when transporting females...how many times I had heard that when I used to listen to the scanner every night when WH worked thirds.

It was the end for me. At that moment, I felt like he11 was an appropriate place for me. A fitting setting, one to match my inner self. In some weird way, it made sense. Just one more nightmare...what's one more nightmare? My life is a nightmare, so this is just one one episode.

So why this morning? Why am I sitting here bawling, remembering this stuff in such vivid detail and dumping it all out here? It was four and a half months ago.

I just read, over and over, the 23rd Psalm. Sobbing, sobbing. I guess it helped. I suppose it is therapuetic for me to recount all this stuff...my therapist says so. But I don't like it. I don't like to relive it. It scares me now more than it did at the time. And it's over.

What a cheery way to begin the day....sorry about that. I'll be okay.

morning, nia.

Father,

I lift up LilSis to you this day. I pray that you would draw her close to You. That she would feel Your love today. Reveal Yourself to her today in very tangible ways.

I pray that You would carry her through this difficult time. That she would find Peace this day...the peace You promise that only You can give. The peace that surpasses all understanding.

Amen

I will be praying for you today LilSis.
Phil 4:6-7; John 14:27; John 16:33; Proverbs 3:13-17