LS:

Welcome Back!

Keep working with your IC. Your previous comments about your R with the IC were always positive. And the IC has never recommended that you do anything different from what you have been recommended here in regards to fighting the A.

I understand Mimi's point about SH. She worked well with him. Maybe you need a more personal touch, or just when the most A related issues need to be addressed. That works.

It seems that you have thought it thru and have a Plan. And that's the important part.

LG

((( LilSis )))

((( all MB posters )))

Sis, Mimi, et all -- we are all so invested in trying to help Sis find peace and hopefully, recover her marriage that being so deeply involved - feelings tend to get hurt on either side of the board.. that is very unfortunate, but being so involved, pretty much impossible for that not to happen.

Please forgive my approach sometimes.... as I am not college educated, like some of these very fine and wise posters here who are invaluable to all of us... I may not come across as accurately as what I am trying to say. kinda like speaking from the heart, lay men wise.

Sis ~ and of course I can only speak for myself... we all love you and are only trying - each in our own way - to help you find peace honey and save your marriage.


Car

Convince is simply another word for control! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But I can see how for some, the word convince would shed some light on the concept.


Did you ever wonder what my signature line meant?

When I was completely crumpled, blindsided, in the agony of discovery of my husband’s betrayal, my wonderful sponsor had me write those words on my bedroom mirror in lipstick.

Those words stayed on my mirror for three years before I washed it off.

Pain is a given. Misery is optional.

You can choose your feelings. (Ha! you say! If that was true I would never choose to feel like this!) You can choose your reaction, not just your response, but truely choose how to feel about something.

You are in control of YOU. Does that mean you can choose to never feel emotional pain? Of course not.

Think about it in terms of the WS.

The WS says: It's YOUR FAULT Mrs BS. I had to cheat on you because you MADE ME FEEL bad.

That's a whole load of crapola, dontcha think?

I can choose to sit around feeling sorry for myself and choose to be hurt everytime my husband fails to meet my needs or lovebusts.

After a particularly painful interaction with my husband, I said to my sponsor almost exactly what you said above.

She laughed and told me to move my buttons and stop telling my husband where they were.

I figured it out.

He could say hurtful things to me, and I learned that I could CHOOSE how to feel about it.

He could choose to do anything he wanted and I got to choose how I felt. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee... what a powerful rush that was when I "got it".

When my buttons moved, my husband upped the ante a bit, trying to locate my buttons, to get me back into the dance, to give him back control over me.

When I choose not to show him my buttons, I was no longer destroyed by my interactions with him. I learned to ACCEPT that if his lips were moving, he was lying. Once I accepted that fact, it was no longer personal, it was no longer a threat to my own emotional well being. I learned to separate HIS issues from mine.

I had stepped out of victimhood and into self care, self responsibility.

I had previously lived my life with a very bad habit. I made EVERYTHING about me. I have learned that just because someone says something or thinks something or even does something unpleasant regarding me, doesn’t mean that my entire self worth and emotional well being has to be disrupted. Often unpleasant, hurtful people are acting that way because of their OWN problems, not because I am a problem.

Apply that concept to the affair.

Part of the horrible pain comes from the complete blow to our own egos. We make the affair about US. When really, the affair is about a character flaw in the WS. Period.

Once we make that distinction – that while we certainly bear responsibility for the marriage but the affair is about the WS – it does become less painful and easier to deal with.

We can choose to wallow in misery. Or we can take responsibility for our own feelings, emotions and lives.

No disrespect to S H --- but Wow --- we are SO very fortunate to have such a multitude of wise people here...

In regards to human behavior and growth - and of course, rebuilding marriages after an affair -- the people who post here are ~~

SO DANG SMART !!!!!!!

We are so blessed to have y'all here !!!


Many, many thanks to everyone for sharing their knowledge

carnation

Afternoon, LS.

i was up and out early this am....just read your morning post...i can't begin to explain how that whole arrest/jail episode makes me crazy.
I would have such a difficult time forgiving my H for that.
I think your H must be concerned about that.
You are a better person than I am.

hope you are feeling better.

Nothing like getting kicked while down.

I got a notice to appear in the mail today for a settlement conference. April 26. No idea what this means.

Also in today's mail...busy day for Andy the mailman...was a notice from Friend of the Court that I need to sign something and send it in ASAP so that they can work on my "case."

Today is eight months since d-day. Two years prior to d-day I was pulling out my hair trying to figure out why my H was so cold to me.

I've had it. I can't take this anymore. I just want to run away, leave this life behind and begin again, somewhere else, someone new, no past, no memories, no court, no RT, no WH, no nothing. I cannot imagine enduring any more of this, yet it is only the beginning.

When is this going to end?

Two years of confusion about why my husband was so cold.
Finding out he'd been betraying me all along.
Hearing that he'd chosen to leave me and the boys to be with her.
Slowly losing my mind.
Taking care of everything alone: house, kids, pets.
The incident and its immediate aftermath.
Getting served with D papers, signed while I was a guest of the county.
The plea deal that goes south.
Reading the two page letter at sentencing.
Interspersed with it all...holidays, birthdays, our anniversary, roses, cold looks, cruel remarks.

Earlier today, I was wishing so badly for my older self to come walking in the door and saying, "It's okay, honey, you'll be okay. You'll be happy again. You just have to get through this. Look, see? You make it!"

Now, after this latest, I just feel like I've had it. I don't have anything left. No fight left. I can't even get dinner together for the kids. All I can do is cry.

Hey Lilsis... I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. Look, it is so obvious that you need to step away from this right now... there has too much pain and you are really running on an almost empty tank! And you know what... who wouldn't be? You have been through the wringer and I can tell you that your response is normal. It is just so much to deal with.
Let's look at the small things you can do right now to improve your position. If we try and tackle this whole thing at once, it will be overwhelming.
Call and order a pizza! Forget about dinner. The kids will understand.
Schedule an appointment with your IC for tomorrow. Heck, call tonight and speak to him...that's what they are there for.
Call up a friend and ask her to come over for some pizza and some company.
Pray. God will be there for you.
I can tell you that I KNOW you want this to work out with your H. I feel your passion for him. But honestly Lilsis... the way you are feeling right now is the reason that Plan B exists. We all have our limits. IMHO, yours was crossed a long time ago.
Please do something right now to change your focus to taking care of you... you are a special, caring and wonderful woman...you will come out of this a stronger and more complete person.

{{{LILSIS}}}}

MEDC

Your life is not dependent on what your husband does. You can create a happy life for yourself and your children no matter what he does. When you accept that reality, and the reality that your husband has chosen to be uncaring, you will have peace.

It make take years for you to accept that, if he continues on the path he is on, but one day you will be happy again, happy you are alive, happy you can take joy in caring for your children.

The first requirement in Dr. Harley's recovery program is that there must be no contact with the OP. Your H has failed to meet that requirement. Dr. Harley's solution is to remove yourself from the source of your pain. Just like the presence of an OP confuses the WS, so the presence of an active WS disrupts the thought processes of a BS. If you get away from this man, the BS fog will start to clear for you, and you will start to find peace. Focus on the joy that comes from caring for young children, and let that man go.

You cannot be in control of saving your marriage because it takes two to save a marriage. You can be in control of recoving your dignity, and the way to start is to remove yourself from his presence.

Cherishing

(((((Sis)))))

I don't know if it helps to know ... but I've been right there. And so have SOOOO many others here. There is a breaking point, there is a point where ANYTHING else seems like a MUCH better alternative.

I think I even started a whole separate thread about just that topic one day when things were at their worst.

You're not alone.

And guess what? "It's okay, honey, you'll be okay. You'll be happy again. You just have to get through this. Look, see? You make it!"

Hang in there. You're in the home stretch, about to Plan B. Just keep your chin up a little bit longer. There are lots of people here to help you do that.

LilSis

(((hugs)))... I know this is hard and you're tired. I know the feeling. It's coming closer to B time.
And we will be there for you.

Still

MEDC:
Thanks for checking in. I ordered a pizza to be delivered, so the kids will eat late but they will eat. I have an appt. with my therapist tomorrow. I bought a new book yesterday called "Life of the Beloved," about how we are each one of us a beloved child of God. I'm going to read more of it tonight.

You are right...it is overwhelming all at once. I need to do this one day at a time. One day at a time. This day is, thank God, almost over. If I can just look at my feet and take one step at a time. Do not look on the horizon. Right now, just do tonight.

Cherishing:
If you don't mind, I'll just pretend for the moment that you are the older me, telling me I'll be okay, that I'll be happy again someday. I just need to make it through this dark valley. The words you shared are the words I would be so relieved to hear from my older self. Thank you.

(((AmI)))
(((Still)))

Thanks. You don't know how much it DOES help just to know you've been there, AmI, and you're there, too, Still. That feeling of being totally alone, without any one who understands, is probably the most scary of all. Makes me doubt my sanity.

One step at a time. Itty bitty steps. Food, sleep. MEDC got me to get the pizza for the kids. I'll have an instant breakfast. Then bed. The kids can get themselves to bed with minimal supervision...they know I'm not feeling well.

Thanks everyone.

Lilsis.. you are welcome. Let me tell you one more thing. I believe things with your H will work out... I really do. I think that Plan B will be a kick in his rear... but you should know that if they don't and when your heart heals and you are ready to love again.. any man worth his salt would be happy to have a woman with your level of caring and compassion by his side.
I see so many women here that are being ignored by theirs husbands while they go to their affair HO... and I think what fools they are to ignore the one true gift that this mortal life has to offer us... love. While I hate what Ws do to the ones they love, I have to say that it allows people like me to meet some wonderful women...most of whom have been married and have children. If your H does not wake up and smell the coffee... some man will be so lucky to have you and your children enter his life when your heart is ready.
Again... let me just say, that I do think he will come around and come home. I really don't have doubts about that. I just wanted you to know that you are a special person and NOTHING your H does will ever diminish that. The true measure of a person is how they handle adversity...and Lilsis, you have been a pillar of integrity.

MEDC

LilSis,

Try to have a restful sleep. But if you happen to be up around 2am my time Eav and i will probablt be up and could keep you company.

Still

((((LS))))

Ever read Pilgrim's Progress ?

It's one of my favorites.

Here's a link to an excerpt from a chapter called, THE GIANT DESPAIR ...

http://www.iath.virginia.edu/utc/christn/chfijba5f.html

This chapter tells about the part of their journey where Christian and Hopeful take a by-path and end up being locked up in the dungeon of Despair by a Giant w/ the same name.

Here's what Christian said at the worst point...

CHR. Brother, said Christian, what shall we do? The life that we now live is miserable. For my part, I know not whether it is best to live thus, or to die out of hand. My soul chooseth strangling rather than life, and the grave is more easy for me than this dungeon. Job. 7:15. Shall we be ruled by the giant?

Hopeful was there to offer Christian hope (What else would he offer? LOL)

Giant Despair continued to attack them until...

Well, on Saturday, about midnight they began to pray, and continued in prayer till almost break of day.

Now, a little before it was day, good Christian, as one half amazed, brake out into this passionate speech: What a fool, quoth he, am I, thus to lie in a stinking dungeon, when I may as well walk at liberty! I have a key in my bosom, called Promise, that will, I am persuaded, open any lock in Doubting Castle. Then said Hopeful, That is good news; good brother, pluck it out of thy bosom, and try.


Lifting you up in prayer.

~ Marsh

Acceptance: Our powerlessness over people, places and things. Our powerlessness over anything but our own thoughts, actions, feelings and reactions. We accept that we can’t get people to "mind us" or force solutions just because it makes life easier for us. True acceptance of reality is our only source of serenity and peace of mind.

Acceptance is to “Live and Let Live” . Acceptance is to “Let Go and Let God” give Good Orderly Directions and solutions to the questions of our lives. We do not have to agree with something or even like it to accept it. Acceptance is not a seal of approval on unacceptable behavior. It merely means that we understand and surrender to the fact that we cannot change the behavior of anyone but ourselves. Acceptance is agreeing to the fact that we will not even try to do so. Each and every one of us is responsible ONLY for our own behavior and not that of others, as we have no control over others. Acceptance is not trying to change others, or force solutions on them. Acceptance is a state of being and not an action directed at others.

Resistance to acceptance is very painful. The more we try to change others, the greater the barrier in our relationships. The more time we spend in the fantasy of what we wish was, the more resentments grow. We must accept that we have not been given the “know best” ability by the management fairy. We rarely know what is best for ourselves, let alone another. Trying to force “solutions” will be met with rebellion, resistance, and resentment. At the same time we will become hurt, confused and “let down”.

Powerlessness means that we have no control of - that we are unable to produce a positive effect upon anyone or anything else. We do not have the power to get someone to change for us. Not through cajoling, tears, hurt feelings, rage, control or manipulation.

ACCEPTANCE... as described by BR is EXACTLY what it took for me to go into PLAN B...

That was when I had really LET GO and turned my H and the Affair over to God...and I told him so in the letter...

LilSis, about this...

"I got a notice to appear in the mail today for a settlement conference. April 26. No idea what this means."

I don't know the ins and outs of it but I do know that in your state Separate Maintenance (a form of legal separation) is very similar to divorce EXCEPT that neither person may remarry.

Also, if one person institutes a Separate Maintenance suit and the other person FILES for divorce, the court will only consider the case as a DIVORCE CASE.

It's probably time to talk to your attorney and re-read all paperwork you have received so far to get clarification about whether you are negotiating the terms of separation or the terms of divorce.

Hugs to you.

BR,
Thank-you for posting that....

That's the road I am heading on is acceptance... but my resistance is still very strong. Sometimes i feel I going in circles... around and around. Still wanting to control and bring WH home to us.

I have absoultely no control over WH... I do have control over me. I just need to have my head and my heart in sync as Orchid says. I'm getting there baby steps.....

Still

((( Lil Sis )))

I hope you have a big house - cause we all are there right now with you...

You are not alone honey... we can do this together - you have got an army behind you !!!

Car