Oh. Good point.

Got you email. thanks.

I used eav's PBL as a skelaton...maybe I'll feel more comfortable about putting it up later...just feels a little raw now, know what I mean?

Don't know how well I'd be helping with a plan b letter as I'm still working on my own.

But I'm with you as I feel my love bank is very low... although this morning just hearing his voice filled it a little.

I think you have the experts looking at it. But maybe later LIlSis do you mind sharing our pla B letters?

Still

Lilsis...if you would like my input my email is

baydog@zoominternet.net

LilSis,
I don't mind reviewing it for you.

mbmoveforward@yahoo.com

I don't want to beat dead horse..BUT for clarity's sake...

I have already acknowledged to Sis but will again here say that her feelings and situation ARE DIFFERENT than mine...

My H was a CAKE-EATER from DAY 1 of DISCOVERY..calling me to say that he was going to come home/end his affair only a few days if not the next day after he left...

So..MY LOVE BANK DID NOT EVER GET LOW/LOW as far as I can remember..I probably could have gone on and on with PLAN A...

And Sis..I want to warn you about private E-Mails with men while you are so vulnerable and needy...

Even if your bank was all the way in the red, it would fill back up quickly once he was doing what he should.

Don't worry as much about going into the red. You don't want to do it, it is much easier if you save something while you are still in the black, that is the best, the most highly recommended, etc. etc. Definitely prevent it if at all possible.

But your real enemy to R is not going to be dipping into the red, it is when you stop caring and close the account. Which is more likely if you are in the red, but given enough time could happen anyway.

"Sorry, WH, I don't bank there any more."

You aren't even close to that yet. You are tired and discouraged, but you still care.

Got 'em MEDC and MF

Still:
Yes, I'll share in the future...or privately. I used eav's as a starting point. I pulled it from her thread or someone else's recently...?? You mentioned that hearing his voice filled your love bank a little? I know exactly what you mean...BUT:

I called WH this morning (after my epiphany) to ask about the roads. He was very friendly, but very matter of fact, as if I could be the next door neighbor that he was doing this friendly favor for.

Instead of feeling sort of warm about it, feeling like I was connecting with him in ANY way, I just felt yuck. Not sick to my stomach, hurt yuck...just a yuck: who IS this guy who doesn't even call me to give me a road report or tell me to be careful before I cart his CHILDREN off to school on a day when the TV weather lady is saying "don't go out unless you absolutely have to." THIS guy is NOT my H.

My H would be concerned. My H would have called first thing to check in, to tell me what the roads were like, to remind me to be safe, go slow, etc. (Which of course I do anyway, but it's always good to know, and it's a sign of CARING). This guy DOESN'T CARE. HE DOESN'T CARE. I can't MAKE him care. He's SELFISH AND UNCARING. That's who WH is. The man in my H's body. A stranger.

I want back the good and honorable man. But until the good and honorable man is willing and able to make an appearance, then good riddance to this alien guy. Any "concern" WH showed me today WHEN I CALLED HIM wasn't sincere. If it were sincere, he would have initiated it. The kids and I weren't even an afterthought, not a blip on his radar screen. It was just WH trying to be Mr. Nice Guy that everyone has always thought of him to be, riding on H's coattails. He's still able to pull that off very, very well with a lot of people...I hope that they are not completely taken in by it anymore.

I feel like saying, "You jerk, quit ruining my H's good name!!"

So Still...I guess I would just say give it time. Lord knows I don't have it all figured out...tonight I will probably be bawling again. But I do feel like it is starting to sink in. Maybe it was the total love bank depletion yesterday...hitting bottom. I HAVE TO CUT THIS GUY LOOSE.

This guy, WH, is a loser, and he's not worth it; not worth losing myself over, not worth screwing up the kids over. I only want back someone who wants me and who is willing to do the hard work it takes. By definition, that man must have integrity, moral character, stength, faith, discipline and a willingness to sacrifice. That man will be some semblance of H...but this WH MUST be done away with. Only H can do that, and ONLY with God's help. I have done what I can.

I am VERY close to believing that he is too far gone, though. He is very far gone.

The only thing I know for sure is that I deserve happiness. I am choosing (in this moment, because I know difficult moments will also come around) to fine peace and happiness.

Maybe it was saying the 23rd Psalm over and over and over yesterday. It SO spoke to me yesterday. Starting first thing in the morning when I had that flashback...concluding with:

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

SOUNDS LIKE ACCEPTANCE...GOOD...Because this IS the H that you have now...

BUT....



I don't buy this. Again, what makes him different than any other WH...

Yes, my H was a cake-eater but at the time he actually HAD NO PLANS OF BREAKING IT OFF WITH THE OW..he was keeping hold of me in case it did not work with her..HE WAS IN LOVE WITH HER AND NOT ME...that's the REALITY of an affair...


And about: Thou preparest a TABLE before ME in the PRESENCE of my ENEMIES"...Have FAITH IN HIM..and this will happen...

LilSis,

Thanks I appreciate it. I do have Eve's outline. I have two letters posted. The one I'm leaning on is the second one that's just my last love letter. I just need to tweek it here and there. I'll check what page it's on if you'd like to see it.

The sound of his voice filling my love bank was not because he ws showing any care... it was just hearing it. It wsn't like previous conversations this week that he was being viscious towards me. It's not the caring voice I remember and crave. Just the sound of his voice. Does that make any sense?

I agree completely with you about not liking or wanting the man they are right now. I too believe I deserve more than scraps that I was getting. And I also wonder if it's too late with us. I mean he doesn't want to put the divorce on hold. He knows I don't want this. He doesn't care.

He is still at the point that alot of this is my fault. I don't think he will ever accept his responsibilty. I pray that he does... because the rest of his life is going to be sad and lonely. He is not going to find happiness outside... happiness comes from within. And right now he doesn't seem very happy to me. Especially since he's geting RID of me... and will be single soon. Although he was acting single while we were still together.

I love the 23rd Psalm... my pastor gave me a book where each chapter was on each line of the 23rd psalm. I wish I could remeber the author... it was very helpful.

Still

What I see as making him different is that he has already filed for D, yada, yada. I see so many on here with WHs who don't actually FILE. I guess I don't SEE so much cake-eating or fence-sitting, not keeping me in the wings, telling me one thing and doing another...he seems to be so committed to this choice.

I know, assumptions.

Whatever...I don't want to get bogged down in trying to understand his mindset. I need to do what I need to do.

ALL of Psalm 23 worked SOO well for me yesterday...every line.

They are all very far gone. They have to be, to do what they do.

God wants your H to come back. In order for your H to stay a WH, he must fight directly against God, against all the memories of his life as an honorable family man, against the love he still has for you but has buried, against the disapproval of his family, and somehow hold on to the fantasy that is cracking as we speak.

That is a tall order, and not many can do it.

All filing for a D proves is that your WH is not as lazy as some WH's, and also that it was what he thought he wanted at the time.

It proves nothing as to what is going to happen, or whether it is too late.

Many not only file for D, but move in with the OW, which yours has not done, and yet still they come back.

So don't get sidetracked by peripheral items, no matter how painful they may be. Your chances are just as good anyway.

Oh, Still:
YES! It does, it does! Sadly.

Two weeks ago when I had my meltdown I said that to him...how painful it was so see him, hear him, smell him, touch him, SO FAMILIAR! But it's NOT HIM.

Still, I could have written what you wrote...you've said the same so I know we are in very similar situations. I know how you feel. I just want you to know that I feel like I'm coming around to that acceptance place we were all debating yesterday...and there was TONS of wisdom shared!!! But getting to that acceptance place is inside of me...and probably is coming because of the wisdom from here, PLUS getting the notice for court, PLUS getting the notice from FOC, PLUS just having a bad day, PLUS taking 23rd Psalm to heart...who knows??

It wasn't just one thing, not just making up my mind to ACCEPT it. Last night, it just became the only thing left. All the other avenues finally petered out, leaving just this one path left to choose. But I HAD to check out all those other paths first, for me. They were dead ends, just like everyone said they would be, but I needed to check them out myself, anyway. Just my nature.

So you check out what YOU need to check out, for you. You'll get there, I think, in your own way, in your own time. Geez. Does that make ANY sense??? I don't even know if that's what you were asking. (((Still)))

PS: Thanks, Neak! You have a very calm, upbeat, reassuring way...??? How is that?

And this would be my FWH..although he was a cake-eater..They're ALL THE SAME..I agree with NEAK....

All WS are the same? Not even close. They may exhibit some similar tendancies... and I would agree with that... but no two WS...just like no two BS are the same.
If they were all the same, they would all respond to Plan A & B the same. Nope...they are all different. We can predict responses based on patterns...but it is just a prediction. JMHO based on observations on these boards as well as human nature.

This is the statement that I was referring to...



Sis was thinking that her H is ESPECIALLY GONE...

If not THE SAME then, IMO (self-conscious about this now..BUT), they do demonstrate SIMILAR PATTERNS as you say. I read here almost EXACT STATEMENTS and SCENARIOS as in my situation.

I was saying this to be reassuring to Sis.

Gotcha...

I too read exceptionally similar things that were said to me in BOTH of my relationships(marriage and engaged). But I also read so many things that are so far removed from things I have heard.

The earliest to talk to SH is Thurs. or Fri. next week.

Gotta run to kid pick up...

LS --

You may want to try Jennifer. It may be a more comfortable fit and a quicker appt.
Take care --
Shellybird

LilSis,

Oh do I know the yearning and hurting seeing him, hearing his voice. I want sooo bad to just get a hug and kiss. He won't let me get to close to him. It's very painful having interaction with the WH in H body.

I know I have done and am doing everything I can to save my M and family... I don't know if I will be successful. What measures success? I need to keep reminding myself it isn't successful to have the man who he is right now come back. Nothing would change. That would just cause more heartbreak for my kids and me.

Success would be coming through this with my head held high. Coming out of this in one piece. Being healthy physically and emotionally. This is what I need to work towards.

Success would also be for WH to look and see what he is doing. Coming back as H and father wanting to make everything up to me. Wanting to work on our M and with remorse.

I have better chances of holding my head high <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I won't give up hope completely, I can't. I do need to accept. And that is slowly comimg.

I don't know what I was trying to say.. I think I got side tracked.

I hope someday we are MB success stories... I think no matter what happens we will be.

Still