I love the visual that I saw a minister give of this one time. He had two guys from the audience, "goodness" and "mercy" follow him all over the front of the auditorium. He said... when I get a bad report from the doctor, I can look over my shoulder and there's goodness and mercy, when I lose my job, I look over my shoulder, when I think I can't go on any longer, I look over my shoulder... and there they are. All the days of my life.

Honey, any calm I have is all God.

Sure, I still have worse days, yesterday being one of them. But even though I've been through a lot, it helped me see even more clearly how God went right through it with me.

I have been where you are, felt what you felt (mostly;)), and just generally lived through 2 of the most painful experiences possible, back to back. But I was never alone, and knew I was holding God's hand the whole way.

Although I can't see ahead much in recovery, the view back is much clearer.

I trust that my way ahead will become plain by the time I get there, and looking back at all the dear people climbing up the path behind me, who often can't see more than a handhold in front of them, I can holler back, "Keep on coming - it gets better soon!"

The irony for you is that as you enter the darkness of Plan B, for you it will be like coming into the sunlight. I fully believe your WH will join you there.

LS,


You sound so much better and your connecting with your shafts of truth of how you feel/want you want....


Reprieves are so beneficial.



Not sure if this is helpful to you or not or if you are aware. In my sensitive sit.



Dr. Harley did not encourage me to do a Plan A/B, but to do what ever I needed to do to follow and TRUST my gut/instincts.



When the full truth came out of my exh was doing/actually planning. I wanted to file, he encouraged me to file. Never, ever take my exh back as he was to far gone to ever be trusted again.



Now that was the real back up I needed. Since Dr. Harley has such a good grip on addictions and behavioral sciences.



Thing about advice and such. Consider a buffet and each tid bit of advice is served on a large platter to take bits, and bites, morsels, decline, discard or go back for seconds/thirds.


What ever suits you and helps you to digest your right for you needs.


A napkin to wipe off what doesn't work for you.


One of my biggest mistakes was being wayyy to hard on myself, absorbing false guilt and trying to live up unrealistic expectation.


I needed my pace, and timing to brings things to a civil ending.

hey sis

i'm glad that my letter gave you some ideas. since jennifer wrote most of it, I should probably call it "her" letter.

i'm not sure where you found it but i'm pretty sure that when i posted it last, i left off the beginning and middle since i was just giving them some ideas about how to include your intentions to meet the needs that were not met in the past. The ending talks about how to contact me.

i'm going to re-post it here so that you can check.

the only thing that i do wonder if i should have done differently....the ending of the letter sounds like i'm saying "take all the time you want....i'll wait around forever"

not that it doesn't already feel like i am <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

but i wonder if thinking that you may NOT wait around forever is a better message....but i have it written as jennifer suggested
*********************

My Dearest XXX,

What I am about to say comes from my heart and it is the most difficult thing that I’ve ever had to do in my life.

I love you with all of my heart. Even with all that has happened, I still consider you my best friend, I still believe that you are the most wonderful man I’ve ever known, I am still so very emotionally and physically attracted to you, and I still believe that we are meant to spend forever together. However, every time I see you or talk to you part of my heart is torn because I want so much for things to be different. I want so much more than you are willing to give to me right now.

I want you to know that I am so sorry for my part in creating the environment that helped to make this affair possible. I deeply regret that I did not give you the time, attention, and affection that you needed to be happy. I am desperately hoping that one day you will forgive me and allow us to create a new future together.

During the past year and a half, I have been learning what a marriage should be and I’ve tried to show you love, protection and care in the limited time that we’ve had together. I have learned so many important things. It’s like a light bulb came on for me and I now know what is needed to make our marriage a happy, loving and supportive place to be. I have made so many changes. Some you may have noticed and some you have yet to discover. Most importantly I have learned that there isn’t anybody or anything as important to me as you are.

Whatever problems we had, I am confident that we can overcome them and that we can create a new lifestyle that allows us to spend time together meeting each others needs so that we can both be happy. I imagine a new life together, maybe moving closer to our families so that we can spend time with them as we’ve always wanted to do, enjoying our two furry boys and considering getting more members for our little pack, spending time doing new things together and with friends….. making new memories.

I have tried so hard to stay connected to you even under these extremely difficult circumstances and I treasure every contact that we have. However, the current situation has become too excruciating for me to endure. Knowing that you are with someone else tears me to pieces. At times the thoughts are unbearable. Yet I still have hope that one day we can truly recover the good times we have had and create a new life together that represents total commitment to each other, caring about and meeting each other’s needs, protecting each other’s feelings, complete honesty, and spending time together.

So I’m asking you to please understand that I need to protect my feelings for you so that if you decide to give our marriage a new chance, I will still love you and want to try again. The only way I can think of to do this is to end all contact with you until your affair has ended. I say this with tears in my eyes because this is not what I want. But knowing that you are with someone else everyday is destroying the love I have for you.

Please do not call me, send e-mails, or leave voice messages unless you have permanently separated from OW and have decided that you want to work on building a new relationship with me.

If you should need to reach me in case of an emergency, you can send an e-mail to my friend XXXX at XXXXX and she will get a message to me.

It is not that I don't want you in my life...I want that more than anything...but I want all of you… and I want you all to myself. Sharing you is just too painful.

If you should decide that you want to work on building a new relationship with me, I promise you that I will leave the past behind us. I will ask only that you do the same. I hope that one day you will decide to allow us to begin again.

I loved you when I married you. I continue to love you to this day. I will love you forever

eav:
That is a good point, about the time limit...??? I'm okay with it open ended, as I can't really say what my limit will be. Might be long, might be short. I hope I'll KNOW. You may not have thought that you could go as long as you have...know what I mean?

Neak:
I have experienced some of that...looking back at my journey and thinking, wow, I've come a long way. I DIDN'T feel God with me at the time, but now I know he was there. He had a path for me to follow. I didn't like it one bit, but he knew what I needed and he got me through it. In the midst of it, I was so angry at him for abandoning me...I only see now...with the benefit of perspective...that he was there all along.

I also hope for that perspective again as this journey continues...but right now it's just one foot in front of the other...no looking at the horizon. And this time I KNOW God is with me.

Meggy:
Ps23 is my new mantra. It is so poetic, just beautiful imagery. In those few stanzas, everything is covered...discontentment and peace, virture, fear, God's protective and loving presence, rewards of a life of faith and service.

(((Still)))
I know you will come to "accept" whatever that means, because I think it means something different for us all. But it does not mean giving up hope...you will know it when you feel it. And I'll try to remember how it feels because I know that I will forget...when I hear his voice, for example....

In your own time, at your own pace, as skydiver reminded us...

We are all in this together.

Hey LS,

Another verse I keep at the ready it Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

3 key words there - prosper, hope and future.

sis

i still have no time limit in mind......and i still fear i will love him forever

what i said IS what i MEANT

i just wonder if i had worded so that HE thought the "offer" to reconcile if the A end wasn't there forever, it might make him worry a little that plan B is the beginning of my trying to get over him

kinda "put some fear in him"

i think i've read some posts here where the message was something like "why should the WS be in any hurry to end the A if they know that your going to be there waiting if its a year or 10 years from now?"

Lil Sis - have you tried listening to music arrangements of the 23rd Psalm?

"My Shepherd Will Supply My Need" arranged by Mack Wilberg and performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir on "Consider the Lilies" CD. I also really like "Jesu The Very Thought is Sweet" - beautiful words and music.

"The Lord Is My Shepherd" performed by The Mormon Tabernacle Choir on "Peace Like A River" (you also may want to listen to "A Child's Prayer", "Be Still My Soul" and "Thou Gracious God Who's Mercy Lends" on that same CD - these two CDs are my healing music when I really want to feel my Savior's love close to me.

Are you using music much for your self-care?

Lilsis

It's been on my heart to share this story from scripture with you-it has helped me during the darkest times of my journey.

It's from Mark 9:17-27. A father had come to the disciples to cast out an evil spirit in his son but they couldn't do it so they came to Jesus. When Jesus asked how long the boy had been this way the dad explained since early childhood and sometimes the spirit would cause seizures that would make the boy fall into fire or water to kill him. The Dad said "'..If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.' "If you can?' said Jesus. 'Everything is possible for him who believes.' Immedidately the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!'"

And guess what? Jesus healed his son! I love that. It gives me hope.

Just a bump.

To valuable to let it drop off...

bump for Holy Moly

Time for a BUMP for the new folks, contemplating Plan A/B

To valuable to let it drop off...

You know....

If we can BUMP Mel's tool/Goodbye cruel World Thread, We should also pull some of the best threads up as well.

LilSis ended up a winner.

LG

I have heard she is pretty happy.

Did that come from SDGuy?

I hope that the two of them are doing better.

Did SDGuy ever find a new position?

I gotta be careful, or I might start a "Blues Brothers" getting the old band together thing.

LG

Yep LG. Rat-turd and sis's WxH did become an affairage though.

Last I heard SD is still looking for the right job but is doing okay. I saw him pass through here a couple days ago without posting.


No it looks like the "Class of 07" is pretty much ghosts now.

I thought I was seeing things! I often think of LilSis and how things turned out for her.

As I understand it she is very happy and has met a very nice man.

Yay for her!

I'm so glad to get happy news of Lil Sis!

Thanks for sharing, Chris!

And LG -

We're Getting The Band Back Together,,,