Well, it sounds like you two are doing well...

I strongly recommend taking today at face value...TBH, that's something we would have done...save on daycare things...LOL...MOF, F is spending the day with his dad today...

I'll be off tomorrow for Mardi gras, so I'll have both the kids...I brought L to the sitter...I still have to pay her for five days even if he goes only four...

Wed., F will be with his dad again and then Thurs back to school ...

I think a large part of recovery is taking things at face value and not reading into them...

My H told me once "it is what it is"...I understand how difficult it is to give your part of trust first...I was under the idea that H had to earn my part before I gave it to him...but it's giving asnd earning at the same time...

At least for me, others may not agree, I kept wanting him to EARN his part before I Gave mine...but it wasn't working that way for us...I mean, of course, I still question things from time to time...but I find that when I do that it's b/c I reading into things that's not there...

Recovery is such a struggle...don't sabatoge yourself in the process...

Keep your head up...your W wants to me with you, is remorseful, and it sounds like, correct me if I'm wrong, just expresses herself a little harsh sometimes perhap b/c she doesn't know how she needs to say it for you to be comfortable...

Sounds like you have a good thing going...progress not perfection... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

First of all, I'd like to tell you that I'm jealous that your WW is that nice to you. I don't get apologies, empathy, kisses, or SF.

Secondly, here is your chance to score some admiration points. Tell her what she did good this weekend, tell her how she doesn't suck. Tell her you'd love to come home for lunch. Tell her that you know it must be hard for her too, and that she's worth all the effort to get your M back on track.

Sorry if it made you jealous. I know that sometimes I feel bad for posting here because I know that there are people here who are having a much more dificult time than I am.

AH, I missed the email in my last post to you!

You are very lucky! I think I nailed the whole doesn't know how to say things sometimes...

Make the most of today...you have an open invitation to lunch...in my world that would mean I want you to come home for lunch...of course, that was before I started owning and saying exactly what i wanted and mean...LOL

So much for not reading into things...LMAO

RB,
Not sure if you have read SAA, LB and HNHN, but you and Mrs. RB may want to use decisions like this one that are really pretty small to practice POJA. Seems like you sacrificed your needs in order to meet hers. POJA requires both of you to be happy with the solution. Her letter to you acknowledges that this was not a mutually satisfying decision and could be used as a non-judgemental segue to discuss POJA with Mrs. RB.

Jim,

Don't feel bad about posting here - it gives others hope. Hope is the life blood around here.

Keep your taker in check and stop LBing. All looks good right now, but if you LB then it may turn bad in time. Plan A is a life time plan.

Go home for lunch. Call ahead and tell her your coming home for lunch. Don't talk about the A or R, M at all. Be sure to let her know that you can see her trying in her own way to make it better. This is very helpful for her. I know it all seems like you are doing and she is just livng, but your planting so many seeds that will grow. Some are coming around now even.


LB to a min

Let wife know that she is a good person

keep spending time togther

keep A, R and M talk to a min


Keep up the good work

I agree with M2L...I think the best thing you can do right now is enjoy your wife...

I was told by SL that it sounded like H and I stopped having fun together and she was right...I didn't sweep the A under the rug but put it on the backburner for awhile and started having fun with my H...

Made a world of different for me...

Thanks. I did enjoy my wife. I just got back from having lunch with my w at home. She made some mac & cheese and then we had a tickle fight on the living room floor. I feel much better about today right now.
Thanks everyone!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Great job of turning the day around...making it work for you!

KUDOS!

Last night was fine. We went out to dinner with the kids and then had to go to conferences at school. My W is being so good to me lately, yet I did some LB jabs at her. I don't know why. I have a question though. I know that forgiving is a process and someday I hope that I can just wash it all away and forgive her. I just have more questions about the A's that I keep wondering about. Do I wait until later on after there is more healing and we can look back at it and talk about things? Or do I just stop thinking about the questions that I have and just learn to let them go and move on?

I think that you will think about what happened until you get your questions answered. That will come in time though.

What if you ask questions and she tells you and then you get upset and start LB all over the place? Where would you be?

I think waiting for a better time is better. Kinda like the hand gun waiting period. If you wait and heal more than you may not care about everything that you do now.

Also, by waiting, you are growing closer and after a long enought time the two of you can talk about it more.

I am in recovery myself and my wife will answer my questions when I ask, but she doesn't want to dwell on them for too long.

Enjoy your wife and the good times. Everything else will come in time.

Do you think this could be some fog lifting?

If your talking about two posts up then yes some.

Everyday that you grow closer to your wife is a day that the fog lifts some more. This is the long road part. Everything is measured in days, weeks and months. Nothing fast.

Rock, you are doing good, keep the LB in check though. They will die on their own as you two get back to a loving M.

I spent LOTS of time doing family things. Makes a mom really think about "the family" and how she would hate to not be part of it.

I know, I know. Things are going good for me and I should be happy. It's just that it's so hard to deal with the thoughts that keep haunting me. It must be my taker going crazy. It's just so hard to stop from just being down. I need a slap upside the head again.

Rock,

Why not list the good things about your wife? Tell me what you like about her and what things she has been doing to help your M right now. Put it into words.

Well M2L,
Thanks for asking. I guess that the things that she is doing differently now is mostly just seeming to show some concern for me. Sometimes she will just come near me and sit down next to me and just seems to want to be near me. Which is much different than it used to be. If I am doing something in the other room sometimes she will just come and sit down and be with me. She will hold my hand or lean on me. We just seem to be enjoying each others company more. It's funny how it was so easy to neglect those things for so long. We used to just stay away from each other in the house and do our own thing. I would hang out in the basement all night and watch tv down there and she would stay upstairs and watch tv up there. Then when it was time for bed, she would just sleep on the couch and I would go to bed. We did that for about a year. It sucked. She will call me now or email me and just say hi, which is nice too. I hope it's not just an act.
I am not talking much about the M, R, or the A. Although I do have some questions that I am dying to ask her, but I will wait. SOmetimes I feel down, but I try to not show it. She kind of feeds off that and she gets a little frustrated I think.
She went and saw our dr. yesterday for something unrelated. She told me that our dr asked her how I was doing and she told her that I was doing ok and I was getting some good support from this board. Our dr also asked her if she had been drinking at all lately and my wife told her no. She asked my w if she missed it and she said no. So that's good.
I just have to keep being strong and fight all those thoughts that keep attacking me. Thanks for the reply!

Well, here's a weekend update. Yesterday we kind of got into a little unpleasant discussion. She told me to stop doing things for her and I asked her what did ishe mean? She said "Plan A". She told me that she knew who I was (on this board). I guess she had been snooping (which I really assumed anyway). I told her that I didn't mind at all and I would let her read whatever she wanted. She saw that I wrote about Plan A, but she really didn't know what it was. She thought that it was about me making myself indispensible to her. I told her that Plan A was really all about myself and changing my ways and just trying to be a better person. I let her read a response from LA from a post I did on the Plan A/B board.
SHe also said that she saw in one of my posts that I said that I still have questions ans asked me what more I needed to know. I told her that I figured that I would wait longer into the recovery so that maybe then we would be better or more open to talking about things or maybe in the future I would not have any of the questions I have anymore.
I told her that she could read my posts anytime. She apologized for snooping and told me that she felt bad for invading my privacy. I think it makes her feel guilty whenever I am posting here. I told her that maybe it was insensitive for me to post here in front of her and if she wanted me to, that I would only post here when I'm at work or when she wasn't around. She said she didn't mind.
I think that she always thinks that I am bashing her to everyone on these boards. I assured her that I do not and that I am just seeking help. She understood.
I even told her that if she wished to post that there are many here that have been in her situation.
In our talk she had told me that sometimes she feels like confessing to her mother and to her friends what she had done, but was afraid that she might lose her friends. At one point I asked her what she thought about the PA when she thinks back to it. SHe told me that first of all that she doesn't try to think about it and also that she is disappointed in herself and doesn't know what the heII she was thinking. That was good to hear.
So that's my update for now. I will tell you some more later.
Thanks for listenng to my boring drivel.
Rock

Well Rock you are correct - she can read here anytime.

Welcome Mrs. Rock.

All the marriage problems are not on your head alone. The A yes, but M problems no. I hope Mr. Rock is truly changing his ways to become a better person. He loves you very much. Please ask any question that you may have.


Over all you two can work this out and have a better M than before.

Ok.It's going on almost five months since D-day and I was wondering if there is a certain timetable on things. I have read about anger stages at 7 months,etc., etc.
Right now there is NC and we seem to be slowly healing. I guess. I did notice that for a week or two I seem to be doing fine, but then I have a rough week and I wonder if I will ever be able to handle things and get through them.

Yes Rock there is a time table.

It is not the same for everyone, but there does seem to be pattern. Often the BS has difficulty with anger or despair around the 6 month mark, as it becomes clear the marriage can make it, and the pressure to perform is off. Then things withheld start to percolate to the surface.

I do think it is a good thing to consider writing down your questions for your W, but rather than give them to her just yet, write down WHY you would like to know the answers to these questions...be HONEST with yourself. Then let them sit for a day or two, and if the question is still in your mind give them to her.

The spirit of this is NOT to attack her, but for YOU to learn, and for her to HEAR your concerns. Some will seem silly to her. Some will seem very personal. Some will make sense. But the point is they need to be identified as of use to you, by you first.

Next milestone is often about 8 months and the guilt really starts to hit the WS. Things are going better, and the question "what was I thinking" often hits the WS about this point.

Another milestone is about a year. Two things seem to happen at the same time. Some if not most of the triggers start to go away, because when you ask yourself, "what was going on last year at this time?" The answer now becomes we were working on the marriage, rather than the spouse was in an affair. So one year is a milestone in that vein.

However, some people are hit by the "anniversary" affect of remembering D-day, and that can be a downer. By the two year mark, Harley claims most marriage can or have healed from the affair, but memories linger. What changes is that teh feelings associated with the memories start to fade.

Please consider having your W come here and at least read the articles. She might like to post as well. The main thing for both of you to remember is that this site is a "marriage builders" site, not just a "get through the affair" site. Thus there are many tools and lots of people to talk about concerning OTHER aspects of the marriage that could use a tune up or some changes. BOTH of you may benefit from addressing those issues here.

But, most of all Rock let her know she is more than welcome here. Some of THE MOST EFFECTIVE posters and helps on this site are former WayWard spouses. Without them this site would NOT be nearly as effective as it is.

Keep up the good work, and make sure that you encourage your W to do so, by letting her know when she is doing something that makes you feel good about her, and yourself. Remember, neither of you are much good at mindreading.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL