1hb, they ALL become furious. It is an expectation. But your marriage can survive some anger, it can't survive an affair.

The reason your H is so FURIOUS is because he is SCARED you will ruin his affair. If you ruin his affair, you have a chance to save your marriage. So, would you rather avoid making him mad and lose your marriage? Because those are your choices.

He is trying to SCARE you off from interfering with his affair. Do you see this?

Prepare for this -

Your husband will be furious. He will say that he was going to work on the marriage, but now he is not, he wants a divorce, you are crazy, it wasn't your business to go to OW's house, this is the last straw, how could you try to hurt her, you went about this the wrong way, and my personal favorite, he will never trust you again.

1heart,

Why else would your H be mad at your going up to someones door? He is about to lose this A to the light of day. An A can't live when others know about it.

I know about this. I called OMW and had lunch with her. I didn't want to do it, but I was told to by these nice people here. It made my wife mad - very mad, but she got over it and the OM.

You will never have your H back unit this A is over first.

Please look at MelodyLane's name and see how many posts she has and how long she has been here. THINK she knows a thing or two about this???

You will come to learn that your WH is no match for all of these people.
M2L

Hey, I add in Believer's post count also for kicks.

I will bet $$$ that your H says just what B said above. THEY ALL DO. Just don't believe him whe he says it!!!

M2L

I have the name guys! Also, what is this "utube" movie website? he had tons of emails from Utube and I just thought they were spam, but there not- b/c it states- "***( wife sent you a video" Her messages on these were "stand by me. I love", "Thanks for the kiss you gave me to build my dreams on" ... she is definately influencing him.

I think I'm throwing in the towel. I just cant fight for this. I've just read tons of stuff from her. She pretty much has told him that she is all his if he wants her--- which i'm pretty sure he does. He has told me numerous times that he cant fix the marriage. He isnt interested in trying again with the two of us working at it together. I just dont think I can win this battle.

When you contact the OWH, ask for his e-mail address and forward all of those e-mails to him. That should be enough to counter any gaslighting that his WW is putting him through.

Don't give up without a fight. Every time he speaks that WS-talk, think of him as an alien inhabiting your H's body. In reality, your H is no longer with you, and had been replaced by a vicious creature commonly known as a WS. If you want your H back in that body, then fight for him.

First make sure your safe. You know your husband if you are going to do something that is going to make him get violent then think twice... but you have to decide what is the most important things for you. Your dignity or his opinion.

The OWH should know things as well, if he needs to build a custody/divorce case against her then he will be happy to receive what you have. You don't have to frame your discussion with him as to have him try to save his marriage, but you can tell him he needs to know the truth and down the road he may need it.

Is her husband in law enforcement too? I know the band of brothers thing goes both ways, they defend each other when attacked from the outside but when they do something to another then they become pretty viscious.

You need to stand up for your dignity, even if its not to recover your marriage. Rember fix yourself first, get a grip of your feeling and your self esteem, it sounds like your H or someone has done a pretty good job of knocking you down all these years, but its time for you to pick yourself up and fight for yourself

1heart, you do realize that they have successfully SCARED you away from telling the OWH, right? The OWH probably wasn't even home when you went there at all. It was his WIFE. They are SCARED TO DEATH he will find out about the affair because that will ruin it for them. Are you going to give up so easy?

In other words, exposure didn't "backfire," it almost WORKED!

I hope you can get copies, or somehow save what you have found. Melody knows all of this stuff, and hopefully will be here to help soon.

Don't give up. Stay calm. Now you have the proof for exposure. There is no need to do anything right now. Take your time and relax. You have all of the cards right now. I promise you that thinks will get better.

Can you give some background? You may have posted it, but I missed it. How long married, how long dated, kids, etc.

backround for Beleiver:

6mo married- known each other 2yrs... no kids.... when we got engaged I made sure he did not beleive in divorce- guess words only mean so much.

I am a full-time student with no job, house is in my name, cc's in my name. I've offered several times to go get one, but he tells me no-he wants to provide for me.

There has been no signs of an affair. Completely blindsighted

That would be "Youtube", a website where anyone can post any sort of video at all - anything from entire TV episodes to the poorest sort of amateur crapola. Go to the youtube.com site and see if you can search out the videos in question. Just prepare yourself for what you might see.
Mulan

The proof wont really do any good. My state is a "No Fault" state - which means the judge doesnt care if one spouse cheated on the other.

It's just so wierd. I come to this website and the support is moving and uplifting. Makes me want to fight- BUT then I talk to my family - who are mostly extreme feminists and they just say to move on and kick him out. They think it is silly I waste my time and dont understand the BC or the exposure idea. I, myself dont think it will work. I mean I just think that people in my area dont care. They think- "its none of our business" or "if they're going to do it, they're going to do it."

By the way- my H and I are only 23. That's why I think there is a good reason it wont be saved. He has a whole life ahead of him- what do I matter to him? His family will accept it as "he married too young and made a mistake" Thats how everyone will justify this. The OW is only 21...

Well, if you were my daughter and you had only been married for 6 months and were experiencing this, I would also tell you to RUN. You just got married and are having to deal with this nonsense. What if you had a mortgage and 3 little kids? Maybe you should consider yourself lucky that you found out now rather than later?

I'm talking about proof so that you and the OW's spouse know the truth. Sadly, in most states, adultery doesn't matter.

The Harleys think that if you are newly married and have no kids, it might be best to divorce and move on. Frank Pittman, who is also an expert says that a high percentage of affairs happen early in the marriage.

Your family is normal. They love you, and don't want you to be hurt. But unless they have been through this, they don't have a clue.

A couple of questions - how did your husband meet the OW?

The other thing is, you are very young, but I promise you that you will feel better 5 years from now if you give your marriage every chance possible. That way there will be no regrets.

the OW and WH met at work.

yes it is good no kids are involved- and yes it would make it easier to run- but I am still faithfull to my vows and the commitment I made.-- thats what makes it so hard. My parents divorced when I was 3yrs. I never had a relationship with my father. I told myself I would never get a divorce - kids or no kids. This is just killing me. I hate that states make it so easy for anyone to go out and get a divorce. You can buy the forms at wal-mart now. It's just sickening.

1heart, moving on may be the smartest thing to do before you become too invested and before innocent children are dragged into a mess. There is nothing wrong with admitting you made a mistake and correcting your course before it gets worse.