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Joined: Dec 2006
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Here goes.... never kissed another woman in 23+ yrs of marriage. At the end of last year (Dec) I was told by W after a very innocent and playful hug - nothing sexual about it - that Menopausal women don't like sex and that I should have paid more attention to her in her 20'S AND 30'S! also she decided to open Christmas presents with my 18 yr old son without me. I felt dismissed and was in a state of depression like I have never been in before (never been depressed). I had seen a prior girlfriend (not serious) for a month before that by accident. Not serious then but from what had happened, I thought that W did not care - I was wrong to do what I did and ended up being involved emotionally and sexually in late Feb of 06. I was asked to move out a month ago after telling her about A, and I did. She said that was her "line in the sand". I am now living alone without OW, just need to be by myself and possibily hope that W will respond. I have not seen OW for a least 3 weeks and will never see her again. I feel that W will file for D soon. She is the most caring and beautiful woman but our M has not had intimacy like it should have been for years and years - sex, but that was it. She keeps things to herself and things from 10, 20 and 20+ yrs ago resurfaced recently before the moveout. No little things (neck rubs driving down the road, hand on hand, eyes looking at one another and knowing that we are the only ones in the world for each other - just being there) and letting me know that she is there for me. She has done everything as far as cleaning, cooking and providing a great home but I wanted a wife, not a maid. I gave her space but I feel that the more space that is given to her, the worse the relationship will crumble. I wrote a letter to her today after talking to Dr Harley on the radio to let her know my feelings and to let her know that she is and will be number one forever. I made a terrible mistake and regret doing that and will never do that again. Any more ideas on what to do or past experience. Has it died? Can it be revived? Help!

Last edited by Sad_Remorseful; 12/19/06 09:43 AM.
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Has it died? Can it be revived? Help!

We can't know the answer to these questions any better than you can.

You can try it, or you can leave her.

If you try........ either it will work, or it won't work. You have to try before you will know.

I was also married to a "maid." After 5 years of working the MB plan, things are good at our house. Not perfect, but so much better it's hard to believe.

Since you can't change her, you can work on you. I changed me, and found my W responded to those changes. I found I wasn't meeting her needs either, just like she wasn't meeting mine. I found I had a problem with love busters, and I had to change even more, and get rid of my own damaging behavior.

Are you willing to work on it for a year or two without getting anything back? It might take that long before you see changes.

What do you think?

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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Yes, I want to try more than ever, but it seems that only something as catastropic as this will either change it and make it the best it could ever be or kill it. She kept so many things burried for years and I am sure that they will resurface but I will not be there to explain my perspective on anything. I get on my knees every morning and night for strength and hope and know I will become a better person from this tragic course of events. Thank you for the response.

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I can tell you that Dr Harley's materials work. If you read it all, and change yourself, she still has free will, and choices to make herself. You can't force her, you can only hope she will respond.

Whatever happens, you get to keep the changes you make. That's important.

What's more, it's all you can do.

I encourage you to get started.

If you read on the forums, you will learn how to avoid many mistakes, and it will help you fine tune your plan.

Begin by reading Harley's books.

Then make a plan of improvement - and how you will meet all of her needs that you can.

Set up a time frame - how often you will review your plan.

You don't judge your success (at first) by how she reacts. She is hurt, it will take time for her to work through it.

You judge your success by how well you work your plan.

After 6 months, take a look, and see where you are, and where she is - make adjustments.

This may well be the most difficult thing you have ever done. God be with you.

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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I'm a bit confused. How long did your affair last?

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I saw her in mid August of 2005 - had not seen her in 20+ years. Saw her again in November 2005 and then again twice in Dec of 2005. Serious stuff started in late Feb 2006 until mid Nov 2006. It's now over by my choice.

Last edited by Sad_Remorseful; 12/18/06 09:31 PM.
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So this isn't anything that she is going to get over right away. It will take some time. Please continue reading here.

You need to ask for her forgiveness, and try to explain why you CHOSE (she is 50% responsible for the state of the marriage) to betray her.

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She is still angry, hurt, resentful, in a state of shock and speaking to her friends who have bad marriages. Their remedy is a quick divorce. I think that I should prolong the divorce until all options are exhausted. She was married to me for 24 years and this did not happen overnight. She never talked about the state of the marriage and neither did I. If we would have had fights, it would have been better. At least we would have known where we stood. I am praying for better days and knowing that I will be a better man when this is done, hopefully back with her or on my oun.

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SR, how did she find out about the affair? Did you confess the whole truth? Does she know who the OW is?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I told her about the affair and she knows who the other woman is. I confessed the whole truth to her.

Last edited by Sad_Remorseful; 12/19/06 10:29 AM.
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What prompted you to confess? Was she ever suspicious?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Could not handle the guilt and pressure of leading two lives. At first I said I wanted to be with the OW but knew right after, that it was a huge mistake. I really think that when we are in such a state that it is like being mentally ill with emotions that are not controllable. She knows that the OW is out of the picture by my choice and knows my feelings. She did not have a clue that there was someone else for a year.

Last edited by Sad_Remorseful; 12/19/06 10:59 AM.
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She now won't respond or speak to me but I think she needs to know how I feel as she will be filing divorce papers soon. ShouLd I send her this to let her know the REAL STORY? Thought it out and will not send


Last edited by Sad_Remorseful; 12/29/06 03:55 PM.
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I don't know what others think, but to me it sounds like you are blaming her for what you did, and that she should give you another chance because how much she mistreated you. I wouldn't delve into how she neglected your ENs, but rather what you are going to do to meet her ENs and how you are going to safeguard your marriage from this ever happening again.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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That letter isn't going to motivate your wife to work on your marriage; it's full of blame and threats. It seems like you are blaming her for the majority of what went wrong in the marriage and you are saying that she is lucky to have a great guy like you and that if she divorces you she will likely get someone even worse! That letter might make her angry enough to go ahead and file for divorce out of pure spite to prove that she can get along without you.

You write about all the things that you have done during the marriage to make her happy but how do you know that was what she wanted or needed from you? You write that you didn't want a maid and that she wasn't meeting your EN's by serving food, cleaning, and taking care of the children. Have you ever considered that maybe she made a mistake and she thought she was being a good wife? You need to forgive her for not being a mind reader. From your letter I am getting that you think she purposely refused to fill your EN's so you had no choice but to turn to another woman for comfort. Yet in the same letter you admit that the two of you have had communication issues from the start. You claim that you aren't a mind reader but for some reason you think that your wife is?

You are just as much at fault for the current state of your marriage as your wife is. Claim your share of the blame and work on yourself instead of trying to guilt your wife into taking you back. For the sake of your marriage and whatever love the two of you have left for one another please do not send that letter.

Last edited by Almondeyes; 12/29/06 12:19 PM.
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I didn't even finish the first paragraph and all I saw was you blaming her.

YOU made the choice to commit adultery. You went outside of your M to get your needs met. How did that possibly help your M? It didn't. It is the worst thing you can do to your M.

Is she 50% responsible for the state of the M? yes, absolutely. So were you.

Did having an A fix anything? no

You're going to need to dig real deep to figure out why you had an A. Your wife is not in the equation.

Wife + you = M
You + ? = A

When I read the sentence

"BS, You are a beautiful person, a beautiful woman and a wonderful companion but I didn't want a maid to live with, I wanted a wife. "

"BUT I DIDN"T WANT A MAID TO LIVE WITH"! ...so I had an A!!

That needs some big time review.

I don't want to knock you over the head too hard. You are here and you need help. Realize now...the A was your mistake and you own it, only you.

Start there. Read everything here you can. Post. There are so many wonderful people here to help you.

Start learning.


BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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S&R,

What do YOU really want? What's your heart's desire? Is it your marriage, your BW, an intact family?

"She is the most caring and beautiful woman but our M has not had intimacy like it should have been for years and years - sex, but that was it."

Intimacy is you discovering your stuff and sharing it. Takes one person...were you intimate? Do you want to learn to be?

"Yes, I want to try more than ever, but it seems that only something as catastropic as this will either change it and make it the best it could ever be or kill it."

How adult are these beliefs...that it takes catastrophe to change it into the best or the worst? Why the all or nothing stuff?

"She kept so many things burried for years and I am sure that they will resurface but I will not be there to explain my perspective on anything."

What about you? What did you keep buried for years and she's not there to explain, relate, share?

"I get on my knees every morning and night for strength and hope and know I will become a better person from this tragic course of events."

In between morning and night, are you eliminating your LBs, focusing on you, demonstrating your remorse through Plan A...finding all your reasons why you chose and why you won't choose again?

Do you know your stuff?

And though you didn't kiss another woman in 23 years...did you spend a lot of time fantasizing about other women? Strangers, friends' wives?

How often do you feel dismissed by others...your kids, employers, coworkers, buddies?

"She knows that the OW is out of the picture by my choice and knows my feelings. She did not have a clue that there was someone else for a year."

She may believe OW is out of the picture and an hour later, wonder, disbelieve...because she is coping with the year-long lies and the A, and about a million bits in between...I think that's why you ask should you tell her your feelings and then state she knows your feelings. That she didn't share with you...and that she didn't have a clue...when you don't know that..she may have known, had a clue or suspected and denied it.

Why not pursue your own goals right now? If you want to save your marriage, go for it! Drag out the divorce, Plan A with all your energy...read and learn...and live. She cannot control, cause or cure you...nor you, her. You can do that for yourself, though...and you're only the one who can.

Read, study, learn, thrive...you can do this, S&R...Remorse is when you actively choose to amend your past acts...doesn't make anyone forgive you...gives you the way to forgive yourself.

Are you in IC? MC as IC for now? Did you talk to a lawyer and state you don't want to be divorced and what can you legally do?

Was OW married? If so, did you apologize to her BH or BF? How about to your kids, do they know?

"I gave her space but I feel that the more space that is given to her, the worse the relationship will crumble."

Why not get into reality after the fantasy of an A...and understand that you can't give space...she's the trustworthy one, not you...because she is holding to her boundaries...get to know what projection is and use it to see stuff you don't want to look at in yourself.

Do you know the formula for a wayward state of mind?

Entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

See those things in you, their levels, where you created them, how they paid you...and if it is a false payoff...and choose differently so you can live differently.

I know. I remember. I did the same thing...lived in a blame-filled marriage...until I kicked blame to the curb, not my DH.

LA


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