Wedding preparation guidelines

Announcement:

It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).

Invitations:

Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and Jennifer's having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our weddin'."

Proper attire:

For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big "they" are.

For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, concider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

The ceremony:

No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony..." tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.

Reception:

Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car.

When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how HOT it is!

Common wedding questions and answers

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.

Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.

Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".

LOL.

What about second weddings? For Utah, we should include tips about when the groom is still married to wives 1 and 2.

What about the children? Should they come or stay home?

Oh, and Buck, the [censored] hound.....can he be the best man?

Oh behave ladies..... BEHAVE!!!

State Shower Gifts. Includes mega bonus welfare checks; one way exdous trip for wives 1,2 and the kids to Florida, free condo's and college degrees included!

Bet the groom pulls out the ole denial card says, dah wat wives 1&2, wat kids??? Ahhh dang, don't pay any attention to them ole wives tales/myths..... tee heee.


Yep, let's party to toon towns....Goofy gets my vote as the preacher!

Happy Holidays!!!

A staged wedding to bust dealers
As supposedly reported on CNN:

Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend).

The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.

The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? "I Fought The Law, And The Law Won"

Skydiver, you made that up. Please tell me you made that up or it was all filmed and will be running soon on my favorite show, COPS.

Who me? Of course I didn't make that up... that's the truth nothin but the truth. What a hoot-wouldn't that make a "riotious" funny show!

Talk about havin the wedding blues NYPD style, hey? Now that's what I call gettin "cuffed & hitched at the alter"!

Bells toll for Lady justice & court jester, as she gets her day and man! Talk about the ultimate Wedding Guide!

Happy New Year!!!

If Men Arranged Weddings...


1) There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.

2) Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.

3) They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not...

4) Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

5) June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

6) Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

7) The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped-up ‘73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

8) Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

9) Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."

10) There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

11) Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

12) Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

13) Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party.

14) Men wouldn’t ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They’d just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

15) Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

16) The bride’s dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her tush.

17) Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza, and plenty of bar-b-que.

18) No one would bother with that veil routine. But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

19) The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what’s the difference) or something.

20) Invitations would read as follow: Tom ([censored] or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain. He’s getting married. He either:

A) Knocked her up,

B) Couldn’t get a different roommate, or

C) Caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of this life at Soldier Field Stadium On the 50-Yard Line at Half-time during Sunday’s Game Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B.

Definitions of Marriage-Joke

From Lee Daniel Quinn's book, Quinn's Devious Dictionary:

MARRIAGE, n.
[1] the dawn of romance and the commencement of history;
[2] a word that should be pronounced as "mirage";
[3] an event, for the upper middle class, is the only adventure left;
[4] a very good way to promote civilization - if you get a good wife you will be happy, if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher {Socrates};
[5] a process much like a cafeteria - you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best - and pay later;
[6] an event which is called "tying the knot" - unfortunately, the knot can be a noose;
[7] a word which always means commitment - but so does insanity;
[8] a ceremony favored in England - it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating;
[9] something that changes the demeanor of a driver - there is no longer any effort needed to keep both hands on the wheel;
[10] the only permanent cure for love;
[11] is only compatible when the man makes a living and his wife makes living worthwhile;
[12] the only adventure open to the cowardly;
[13] something which is called a feast - unfortunately, sometimes the appetizer is better than the main course;
[14] a group which consists of: a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two;
[15] the alliance of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them;
[16] the process that turns a female from an attraction into a distraction;
[17] a legal custom which turns a man into the captive audience of his wife;
[18] that ceremony which makes more strange bedfellows than politics;
[19] a rite where two people, under the influence most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part;
[20] occurs where a man gets hooked by his own line;
[21] in America, is the only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech;
[22] is made out of two toothbrushes but a single tube of toothpaste;
[23] is just a three-ring circus: engagement, wedding, and suffer;
[24] the process of finding out the kind of guy your wife would have preferred;
[25] a condition where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected what he was getting;
[26] the ceremony which provides a man with something that, sooner or later, he will find he can't blame on the government;
[27] a tradition which would suffer considerably if men had to pay the minister the same fee they will eventually have to pay the divorce lawyer;
[28] is much like a pair of shears, so joined so the parts cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who tries to come between them;
[29] the continuous process of getting used to things you never expected;
[30] a status which depends upon two to be successful but only one to turn into a failure;
[31] is a book in which the first chapter is written in poetry and the rest of the pages is prose;
[32] a bargain, and a sensible person understands that someone must get the better of any bargain;
[33] in Japanese is called "Judo" - the art of conquering by yielding. This is the western equivalent of "Yes, dear";
[34] a confrontation which always demands the greatest understanding of the subtle art of insincerity possible between two human beings;
[35] is not a word, but a sentence;
[36] a delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy;
[37] an investment that pays big dividends if you manage to keep up the interest

The above marriage definitions are just 37 of 5,000+ definitions appearing in Quinn's Devious Dictionary (Available from him at [email]words@iop.com).[/email]

"Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle." --Sam Levenson

"For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked." --Bill Cosby

"Marriage -- as its veterans know well -- is the continuous process of getting used to things you hadn't expected." --Tom Mullen

"If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married." --Katherine Hepburn

"The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him." --Cher

"Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry." --Tom Mullen

"When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions. They are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part." --George Bernard Shaw

Real Marriage Advice by Kids!

Precious Joke!
(As answered by elementary school students)

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10

What is the Right Age To Get Married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?

Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

Is It Better To Be Single or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

How Would You Make a Marriage Work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

- Ricky, age 10

Senior Issues!

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

"Well that's a good enough valid reason at any age!"

Mum's the Word!

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate Stephanie was.

Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react. Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.

But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie.

But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom

Hymns for Her!!!

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!!!"

Welcome at Church?

Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

Serving Two Masters!

A old Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy.

After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the acquaintance demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.

"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."