Remember this... most of what you say to a WS is never heard. Trying to teach, or impart information verbally to a WS is like throwing cotton balls at a crocodile. They make no difference at all.

It's all about the actions you take. If you have the slightest notion he will try to go forward with any loan, you need to hire an attorney to protect your financial well being. Most states require both H & W signatures for a second, but make sure that's the case in your state.

Remember, your ACTIONS are what will make any difference, so please fully understand Plan A and remain in it for as long as you can!

Best wishes,
SD

Hi there. I’m an ex-wayward husband who has been through everything your husband has. Sadly once I was out of the house I was with my OW (more than just friends) and I would assume your H is too. That’s a safe assumption. Much of what he says to you will be a product of his guilt. He knows what he’s doing is wrong, hurting you and your child and telling you that you no longer meet his needs is just a pathetic attempt to try and feel better about what he’s doing. If he can paint you as the bad guy it justifies his actions in his mind. I know, because that’s exactly what I did.

What you have done is what any normal, decent person would do in the circumstances so don’t feel guilty about it. Personally I differ from the Harleys' advice on this a little. I feel strongly that WHs should be made to see the consequences of their actions, the pain it inflicts, the financial impact, the disruption to everyone’s lives. That might be construed as a love buster, but it’s the truth and WH are all about hiding from the truth and minimizing it. So you can be honest with him about how much what he does is hurting you and your child, without being attacking or demanding. But I strongly advise you to avoid doing anything that would enable him to continue doing what he’s doing in the name of avoiding love busters. So no loans.

By the way for a while, until this situation is resolved one way or another you cant expect him to worry about doing sensible things like saving money or acting responsibly. For the moment you have to take care of yourself and not let him hurt you more than he already is. That might mean getting legal advice so decisions he makes without your knowledge don’t impact you too much.

Finally I don’t know your entire situation but I can say that I came back and gave up the OW, eventually. Our marriage has improved a lot. We still have scars and I am still hurting from the affair, but at least it over. I think of it like an addiction. I will always be an addict; it will always be a risk we face and a weakness for me. But right now I’m clean and sober.

Good luck.

He cant get the 2nd on the house without my signature.

GRXANNM: How long were you and your wife separated? I am sure he and OW have spent more time together if not in person at least on the phone-since her H knows I dont know to what extent they are going to see other.

I agree that he needs to feel the consequences of his actions!! I tell him how our son is doing -truthfully. I dont yell at him about it but speak calmly but truthfully. I also feel that he should feel the pinch financially-and if he has to stay with that other guy longer than he wants to because he cant afford his own place I will be GLAD!

I agree it is like an addiction. Did you ever have counseling with Steve Harley? My H has appt with him on Thursday of next week-in your opinion and having the experience with this that you do-do you think counseling will do any good considering the state he is in?

Another question to an ex WWH's-last night my H could not stand to be with me another 6 months-today he was leaving the office we work at to pick up our son and he made a point to walk over to my desk and hug and kiss me.

Whats that all about?

We were separated for 6 weeks and I moved in with the OW for that time. Once we were together full time the house of cards we had built all came tumbling down. It wasn’t so much that we were not getting along, but the grief and guilt started to haunt me and her to the point where I became a nervous wreck. My youngest son was crying himself to sleep every night and I missed my kids so much I couldn’t bear it. My wife collapsed in a heap, couldn’t eat or sleep. I finally saw how destructive I was being and for totally selfish reasons. I just wanted to, I had no justification, I was just being totally self-centered, and I thought I was entitled. It was at that time I realized that I never really wanted to leave my wife and family, but I did want to keep what the OW provided. Here’s the tricky part - I wanted both, it’s never about choosing one or the other.

That’s why your husband hates you and loves you at the same time. He wants to keep you and your child but also keep the OW and what she offers and he’s trying to work out how he could do both. Of course any normal person sees that he can’t do both, but he’s basically mentally ill right now and giving it a try. He’s annoyed because you are the person preventing him from enjoying the fantasy of life with the OW. You are a constant reminder of his real life and responsibilities and his promises.

But its his marriage to you that enables the fantasy with the OW anyway. If he didn’t have a real life with bills and dishes and work and all that, he couldn’t have a secret, alternative, exciting life with the OW. So deep down he knows he has to have you to keep it all going and he also knows that it impossible to have both. Its over, he knows it, and that’s why he feels so confused and angry and messed up. He wants to keep both and you won’t let him.

What about counseling? Worth a try if he’ll take it. Every little bit helps, but also fair to say he will take time to come around so set your expectations low. I am convinced that an affair is, in a way, a form of mental illness and the normal rules of coming to your senses don’t apply. People should just snap out of it and do the right thing, but they don’t. So you get put through all this pain. The point is that you will be unable to make sense of his behavior by using normal logic and what he used to be like. Right now he’s more like a crazy person or an animal or a drug addict. He’ll lie, cheat and steal to get what he wants. Right now he’s not the man you married, so you have to lower your expectations accordingly.

But with time he will come around, mainly because affairs never survive the light of day. Once they are discovered they are no fun anymore and the pain they cause becomes so obvious the partners give up. Affairs only survive when they are secret. Once he tries to live with this woman in the real world it will all collapse. And with everyone telling him he’s being an idiot the pressure is really on to bring it to an end. But watch out because as he goes through withdrawal from his “drug” he will continue to lie, cheat and steal just to keep in touch with her until things blow over. I know because that’s what I did.

Please keep asking questions if it helps.

Did you try to stay in touch with your kids as much as possible? He calls our son every day-twice a day but he needs more than a phone in dad!! He is angry and confused and hurt and my H knows that but doesnt seem to grasp it.

Did you ever tell your wife you didnt want to be married to her anymore? Did you ever tell her that you have changed and you are going in a different direction? Thats his newest line.

Also did you take your wedding ring off?

Our work had a Christmas party tonight-I couldnt stay long because I had to pick our son up. During the party mu H disappeared for about 10 minutes when he came back I aske dhim where he went and he said he went to get his jacket out of the truck-I said it took you that long?? He didnt say anything. I asked to use his phone to call our son and I looked at recent calls and there were no funny looking ones but then I thought maybe he got a different cell phone for those so I cant track him anymore. Is there any way for me to find out if he got another cell phone?

I feel so angry right now-I need a H that loves me, that respects me and wants to be with me and I dont have any of those things right now. I just want to scream and call him every name in the book but I dont. When I left he said give Nicholas a hug from me. I wanted to turn around and say F YOU!! YOU SHOULD BE THERE TO GIVE HIM THE HUG YOURSELF YOU ****** . I just left.

h

Does anyone know if I can look up my husbands credit report to see if he got another cell phone account-but then again he could have purchased a cell phone that you pay as you go.

One quick comment - I don't think counselling with SH will do your WH any good at this time, but if he's willing to talk, have him do it anyway. SH will be able to learn a lot about where WH's mind is now, and get a sense of what you can best do.

No magic pill, but it could still be very useful to you.

We just got back from our trip together to visit my husbands family and took our son to Disneyland. It was ok-we didnt talk a lot in the car and he wasnt real affectionate. I kept hoping he would realize that I belonged there with his family-we have so much history together. At Disneyland he did hold my hand a couple of times but it wasnt like he was treating me as his wife. He isnt wearing his ring which bothers me. He has an appt with Steve Harley on Thursday which I really hope he keeps. He gave me a card for Christmas that said he was sorry and he hoped the new year would be better. I dont really know how to take that.

It is so hard for our son too-a few minutes after we got home and unloaded the car he left to go where he is staying I guess-our son cried-he just doesnt understand why his dad is doing this. Neither of us do.

My H spoke to SH yesterday and I spoke to him today. This Sunday will be 3 weeks since my H moved out. Steve explained to him the concept of actually being able to feel in love with me again. He said my H listened but it's hard to say what he thought. He sis say that my H said it all made sense and it sounded good but he doesnt think it will work. Steve said our next step is to fill out some more questionares and then make another appt to call in together as soon as possible.

I asked Steve what if he wont make another call or fill out questionare-he said I will have to go to plan B. My H and I work for the same company so I see him daily at the office and we went on our trip to California for Christmas that we had planned but other than that we have not had a lot of contact with each other since he moved out. How will Plan B be very different. I know plan B is more for me -is this just meant for me to wait it out while he's out doing what he thinks is going to make him happy? Then hope and pray he comes back to me when he learns that doesnt make him happy?

Steve told me to ask people on here their opinions on Plan B when you see the person daily at work. Does anyone have experience with that?

Do most people here agree that I need to get legal advice right now? Our money is still combined at this point and I wasnt going to get legal advice unless he started withholding money. Any advice on that?

Do most people here feel like their lives have become consumed by their spouses A and their stupid behaviors?

Another question I have is since my husband is not living at home should I still be checking on what he is doing? I still have access to his cell phone records but that doesnt mean that they couldnt have gotten new phones that I cant track. I have even entertained the idea of calling a private investiagor to follow him for a few days but at this point does that seem foolish?

As you can see I have a lot of questions and would appreciate any and all advice.

jen

My WH and I worked together when I went to Plan B, and it didn't make any difference at all. But we didn't work closely together, ie - I didn't have to communicate with him about work.

Plan B was a life saver for me. I just wish I had done it sooner.

Get your finances protected. I didn't and WH blew our life-savings on wining and dining the OW, and then came back for MORE during our divorce.

The thing about the finances is he makes over 3 times what I do-if it comes to me having to get a legal separation do the courts give you what you would get if you were divorced?

My H was talking a while back about wanting to get a 2nd on the house to pay off some credit cards and the motorcycle he HAD to have and he said that he will pay the payment for the 2nd and doesnt want any money from the equity in the house - but if I ever decided to sell my house I would have to be the one to pay off the 2nd -that doesnt seem fair.

Also I received an inheritance which we purchased our 1st house with and someone told me that inheritances can be treated as individual property so that could help me too. Does anyone know of the laws in Nevada?

You need to consult with an attorney for things specific to your state. You can find out general things on line if you google Nevada divorce.

In California, money from an inheritance is separate, but I would not co-mingle it - ie using it to buy a home jointly.

You need to see an attorney to find out what you should or shouldn't do, just in case there is a divorce in the future.

I googled it, and apparently you are okay - if the home was divided, your contribution will can be recovered. But again, see an attorney.

I don't see your WH having anything permanent with the OW. Too bad her husband doesn't think anything is wrong. She must be still having sex with him. I'm sure that this is an affair, not friendship. That is why your WH is so foggy.

Hang in there.

So do you mean that whatever money I put in from the inheritance I would get back?

I dont see anything permanent with OW either but now that he's notliving at home I dont know what else he is doing-I having been think about hiring PI-any thoughts?

When I asked my husband if he was mad I called her husband he said why did you tell him how to look up her cell phone records on line? I told my H that I didnt tell him to do that-so maybe the husband is more suspicious than I thought.

I am REALLY trying to hang in there but I have bad days-I just wish he was home. I know that sounds terrible but it was almost easier when he was home even though I knew he wasnt here mentally-he made his choice to leave so easily though that it was obviously what he has been wanting.

Do you really want a WS in your home? Ws' are hard to exterminate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

No you're right I dont want him in my home if he's here totally but I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. I feel like I have not only lost my husband but my best friend. I have no idea what he is doing out there.

I love him so much but sometimes when I feel this way I think it would be easier if divorce is really what he wants -I say lets get it over with. Of course in my heart I want this to work out though.