True, but my WW considered hers to be an EA even though there was kissing and fondling of breasts because "they didn't have sex."

It may have been an EA, but make no mistake what the OM was angling in for.

Oh and there's more. I also saw what you wrote about being in touch with the OM because "he's in the same place I am". What is scarey is that you don't even see the irony in that, but people HAVE pointed it out which is a good thing.

NC, NC, NC that's No Contact, No Contact, No Contact!!!!

Jim, I'm AGREEING with you. If you read the twelve stages (or fifteen stages) of an affair, the final stage is "capitualtion". Until this happens (and it means SF) most affairees kid themselves that it's not an affair. It's a "fling" or it's "not harming anyone because we haven't had sex".

Also for the record (so many newbies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) my A was as BigK said, very infrequent SF over 18 months. An EA for at least 9 months of that. But, my God, it was an A, nothing surer.

No duh, he's your affair partner. But we have that in common, we are both cheating on our spouses with each other. Lets talk about it.

I know you are agreeing with me, I was just clarifying another point.

O.k... I have to say, you're all overwhelming me a bit... I'm listening to everything, and reading the recommended threads.
I can relate to what Marshmallow said, of wanting to feel things, that I'm not... but I don't know how to START... other than doing the right things... I am doing those more than I'm not!

I do look back to when the A started... things in my life were crazy, found out our Co. had been sold, and was told we'd lose our jobs (which date has now changed forward/backward more than I can shake a stick at) I am very career oriented, so this made me very uneasy... I'm also the one who's salary is more, so our lifestyle was at risk if I lost my job... something I don't think my H ever really understood how much that was bothering me... again, not an excuse here... just sharing what all was going on during that time!

I'm not sure what else to share/ask?

Okay. Sometimes it gets like this. A public forum and all!! So relax K, and understand the fact that you are asking the questions is GREAT!! And you are doing the right things here by seeking the truth.


And this is good! The feelings will come. But I think you got it now that NC is absolutely necessary before you can get those feelings to happen. Up until now, they havent been possible because there was a third person involved. Once he is completely gone, it is then that your efforts will begin to bear fruit.


I am glad you are sharing!! Let me ask you a question...did your husband know how much all of that was bothering you? Did you ever sit down and tell him what you told us here, about the possible unemployment? You see, too often spouses want to protect their spouse by not rocking the boat. Dont bring uncomfortable things. The problem is, if one is upset or uncomfortable, then the marriage is in trouble. Not telling him, not sharing...not allowing him to help you come up with solutions to the problems that faced you is the beginning of what happens in a marriage when people begin to drift away. How do I know? Because I did the same thing!!


Well, so we can really stop hounding you...have you put together the NC letter to be sent to the OM? Have you sent it? We want to help you delve into this other stuff and begin to move forward, but it would be a waste of your and our time if we did so before NC.

Yes, I just sent it this morning when I got to work. I told him (OM) that I was giving everyone involved an early XMas present... that I was going to start doing the right things, and i was going to make 1 TRUE effort to save my marriage for the sake of my family.
He (OM) did this to me a month ago... and I was hurt... I didn't respond to his goodbye letter for 2 weeks (it was a very hard 2 weeks) but then I broke and responded... saying I was hurt how he just ended it like that... but that I understood... but then we got right back to e-mailing everyday again... So... my learnings here... We have to stop COLD TURKEY! And that is what I did today!

I did not tell my H that I started up talking again... I just can't do that...
I am making a fresh start here, as I told my H Sunday night... that I would be giving 100% to fix this... "no looking back" just moving forward. I feel that if I tell him this... that we will go backwards and I finally (after listening to all of you) want to try moving forward. And this is something I can honestly say, I haven't felt since this all came out!
Can this work without me telling H of the add'l contact?

NC + doing the right things + time = loving feelings for BH.

I promise.

Your feelings for him WILL come back.

Months before my A, I had a number of events in my life that made me vulnerable to the A, but none of them were the root cause of it.

The A showed me something that I hadn't realized before... I was never happy w/ myself. I had a habit of trying to go outside myself to make myself happy.

I had to rethink the way I've always thought.

It's been a wild journey, but VERY rewarding.

Force yourself to keep NC.

Get through w/drawals. (It sucks!)

Make loving choices towards your BH

Make healthy choices that build your M up

Keep posting and reading here.

You'll get amazing feedback that will help you figure all this out.

I promise.

~ Marsh

kg, a fresh start begins with total honesty. You can't go forward based on a lie. He needs to know this. I would tell him about the continued contact and GIVE him full access and the password to your work email. Complete transparency is what he will need to see in order to trust you again.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Awesome!


I understand your trepidation in telling him. You just want to make a clean break. To just move on from here, without hurting him more, right? I mean...afterall, he doesnt know about the contact and since you are moving forward, it really doesnt matter...does it?

I ask you these questions K, because you have to look in here and see what will happen if you keep this secret. And it will be a secret and you will have to keep it. One thing I know...secrets in a marriage cause loss of intimacy. They just do. They always cause a wall, however big, to remain between the two of you.

Instead of laying yourself bare for him and saying as you have said...that you are 100% committed to this...and then showing him by opening yourself up completely to him...instead, keeping this will always be a wall for you to be intimate with him.

Also, while you may not know this...BSs almost always know when there is contact! We can feel it in our gut. We can sense it when we are around the WS. It may be one of the reasons that your husband has continued to pull back from you. He may not have the facts...but he feels he cant trust you.

But, should you open yourself up to him completely...that would be a very huge downpayment on your future life together. It allows him to understand his world in light of ALL of the truth. It allows him to be able to trust you, because you came to him and told the truth.

And it allows you not to have to carry the emotional baggage of keeping secrets from your husband.

I hope you understand what I am saying. I know this is hard. It will be hard for awhile. But, if you want the marriage you say you want...then you have to want that for your husband to. And that means showing him the respect enough to lay yourself out there, to give him your best. And to never hold anything back from him.

As has been said...you cannot change him. Not overtly. But, you can change him when you change. If you change, then everyone around you MUST change to be able to deal with the new K.

So, I say that you need to tell him. You need to open up and say that you havent understood all of this until now, but that you do want to be married to him and do want a great marriage for both of you. And since this is true, you need to let him know where you have failed him. And that you do so because you want to mvoe past this and want him to trust you again.

I think you get the point.

The other part to "why" I don't want to tell him... he has threatened physically hurting the OM... on many occasions... I don't want to cause anymore problems on his marriage than I already have. My H called OM wife and told her what was going on the day after he found out. I asked him not to and he said o.k. but did it anyway.
I want him to just focus on our marriage and leave OM out of it. My H has anger management problems and as I've said before, I've feared my safety once already... I don't want to go through that again! That was worse than the evening he found out about he OM.

kg, he has to be told. He has a right to this information and so does the OM's wife. This is never going to work if you continue to lie to him. Honesty is the solution to infidelity, not more lies.

He has to be told, kg. There is no way around it.

It can change, It just takes time, and more work then seems worth it at times. My W and i went on a cruse vacation a few months after D-day. The time together was nice, and it was a very fun vacation. I will say if you do something big, Enjoy it together, but don't push happyness it comes with time.



This is a strugle i am haveing with My W right now. She is being very dedicated to the M like you feel you are. But don't get that confused with repairing the hurt you caused. Doing things like going on Dates with our spouse, and spending time toghether, is what any M needs to be healthy. It is important that you do thoes things, and also spend time addressing the issues arround the A.

Take a good look as to why you had the A. If it was you were not happy with your H, then you probably need to dig deeper. Part of the Why with my W, was that growing up she saw her parents as together but unhappy, therefore she felt that her M would also be broken, and therefore even sabotashed it. If you are blameing your H for the why then you are not looking deep enough. to have a bad marrage is something that both of you have to deal with, to have an A is a selfish choice that you made alone. If the M was so bad that you had to have an A to survive, then leaveing would have been a better option. Since you are trying to recover, then the M must have been still good enough to stay in, and a better decision would have been to talk to you H, and possibley go into MC. (which MC might be a good way for both of you to do now.) Friends are nice, but they are bias also, but that is why they are your firends.



If he is anything like me he probably doesn't know what he really wants, except the feeling of betrail to go away. Want to throw him for a loop and get things moving fast. Next time he sees a reminder, and you notice. Out of the blue appologise, and be specific. I am sorry that i hurt you.

One of the books i was reading has an example of a Recovering couple at a resturant. When the watriss came up and asked for her meal her name happend to be the same as the OW. Before anything was said about the A, the WS appologyesed for the reminder. "I am sorry i hurt you, I know it must be hard seeing the reminders like the watriss name. We can leave if you would like." According to the book and i would agree, the reminder of the A could have ruined the evening, but the appology that he have actually helped the R more then anything else.


p.s. You might want to take a look at another post i made. Acceptance is a key

Keep in mind that while i created a the post, and did say thoes things, i am not quite at a point where i am ready to accept them, and I am a year into this.

kg6,

All BSs would like to hurt the OM. We rarely act on it, but I know that thought crosses my mind daily. I know I have been hard on you in a couple of my posts, but I am proud of you for doing the right thing. It makes me want to cry knowing that my WW is not willing to step up to the plate like you are right now. That is all us BSs want is for our WW to realize they made a mistake and give 100% to our M. I'm sure once he realizes this, he will start to open up more and work harder on the M as well.

One thing that I would recommend if your BS isn't into MC or self-help books, is to purchase and read SAA by Dr. Harley, and leave it out in a location that might arouse his curiosity as to what you are reading. He may not want to be told to check out the MB website or literature, but if he stumbles across it himself, he might embrace it. Even if he doesn't read it, knowing that you are reading it will at least be a signal to him that you are truly trying.

Kg6, God bless you this holiday season, and good luck in restoring your love for your husband and your marriage. Just as we have helped you remember to pray for us BSs who are still struggling with their WSs affairs. Have a very merry Christmas.

Tell the husband about the contact. The recovery is about rebuilding trust. Telling him you had contact, but now stopped it builds trust. Also when you tell him follow it up by giveing your passwords to your email accounts, and tell him that he is welcome to check it anytime. You might be suprissed on how an act of humiliation and truth will get a better reaction then "cold turky and move on".

If you work with the OM then i sugest switching jobs. I love my job, but if it came down to my M or my job, the jobs out the door.

And yes every BS would like to punch the lights out of the OM. I still don't know how I will react to seeing the OM. And oddly enough me thinking about hurting him calms me, At least i am not thinking about the porno video of an A. What every you do, it is your husband you should be concerned about. Showing any care for the OM is an act of betrail to a BS.

Here here!

A lot of us BS's wish our FWW would take the same inicitive you have to finding out how to repair your mistake. As good as my R is, I really wish my FWW would take the front seat for a while.

Just remember if there is a chace to show honisty do it, don't wait for us to ask. And while withdrawls may be hard (I honisty don't know) NC has to be upheld.

I'll have to think about the confession of contact thing for a bit. Off for the holiday vacation... wish me luck on the full week off with H and kids. The last few months, I've not looked forward to weekends or holiday vacations... so much time together... has in the past ended with MANY fights! I'm hoping this will be different!
Upholding NC... cross your fingers!
It helps having this to e-mail on instead of OM! Thank you all for that!
Happy Holidays, and hoping you all have a "pleasant" holiday vacation too! Talk "next year"!
K

Remember, it takes two to fight. A M isn't about who is wrong or right. Don't let him bait you into any fights, and you will find out that he will try starting them less often.