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Joined: Dec 2006
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rwinger Offline OP
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I have been lurking around this site for the last 12 mos. and found it very helpful and it has given a clear explanation of my W’s behavior in the last 2-3 yrs. I want to mention that I admire the “unsung heroes” of this site who have given much time to assist others in their time of extreme pain. The pain one reads on this forum can be so raw and brutal.

Let me explain the story – long-sorry – Both my W and I are 47 yrs. My W is attractive, looks 10 yrs younger and full of energy. She is the type that bounces around in a blonde pony tail with a personality in which no one is a stranger. I always call her a little “sprite” or “pixie”.

We have been married 26 years and have 2 DS (24&19) & 1DD (15).Most of our M – she has been a SAHM with occasional PT jobs. Since 2001, she has been working as a bartender during the day. I used to travel quite a bit during the work week, but always made a point to be home for the weekend.

During the spring of 2004, I noticed her behavior was changing for the worst – not attending church, binge drinking, staying out late at night, and hanging out with a different crowd. Friends were exotic dancers, etc.

In the beginning – I thought pre-menopause, her mother’s death -prev 2 yrs, 2 kids moving out to college and an all around mid life crisis. SF also dropped suddenly – almost overnight - very active to not interested for several months. Alarm bells starting going off in my head when I checked the cell phone records.

Attitude towards me went down hill quickly that spring, our closest relatives are over 1K miles away, so we have always relied on each other and have a close knit family unit. But there was something amiss during the period between 3/2004 and 6/2005, we were not working together and I was starting to get the feeling of not being wanted around her. I didn’t realize it at first – but there was a third person.

Other symptoms cropped up, each spring we take a backpacking trip to Big Bend NP and in the summer we go to Florida and a small trip to the Texas hill country. She no longer wanted to join the family in the trips but rather stay home. She would say not interested in roughing it but in the past – she always loved to be outdoors.

Also received comments from her about how her customers at work would say that she doesn’t get treated well by me. My reply was we have been together so long – how in the heck would they know our relationship and how tight our bond is. This is just sample of strange comments and behavior. Each symptom by itself did not stick but when one looks back – you have to know something is up when added together.

After a bit of investigation in summer 2005– I found that a wealthy single OM was wooing her since spring 2004. Did a look up on property values – his condo is worth over $800+ . It dawned on me when she used to say there was some one who wanted to take her to NYC and Las Vegas for weekends. She never accepted - I think. I realized that I had some tough competition on my hands to keep my W. On the financial side (I make $50K) I couldn’t compete. Self-esteem nose-dived. I couldnt compete this rich Dallas OM. I was at my lowest at this time around Nov 2004. I started to realize that you cannot take a marriage for granted and you have no control over other people.
To this day – not sure if PA – not sure if she crossed the line but I wasn’t fully aware of the danger to our marriage or understood affairs at the time. I still didn’t understand the scope of the issue until this period was over and I starting looking at this site.

Strange but during this time – I plan A’d her big time without realizing until afterwards. On our 25th anniv 2005 – I took her on a backpacking trip to Tulum, and Belize for 10 days staying in hostels, & cabanas and riding local chicken buses. We had a good trip and she didn’t want to leave to go home.

When I got back – I got HepA and was bedridden for over a month [shots didn’t work ]. She basically stayed home during that time taking care of me (there was NC w/OM during this time). I do recall one incident during one of the high fevers, she was upset with me and started to slug me and wished I would just die and leave her alone. I was kind of in a dreamy state but that is etched in my mind. I have never brought it up but it was the first time I realized my vulnerability. I can still lose her .

My boys were in the house at the time so this is when events took a turn. Both sons are big athletic types. The boys were giving their mother a hard time on her attitude and I believe they may have met up with the predator OM and gave some advice to back off from their mother. I had overheard them talking amongst themselves from another room.

Anyway I got better, we returned to our jobs and I saw the cell calls resume and there were a couple of late nights in Aug / Sept 2005. All of a sudden the calls to the number stopped (same time I think sons may have intervened). Within a week, my W went into a depression that lasted 5 weeks until Nov 2005. She never went to work and barely got out of bed during this time. I since now know that she may have been going through withdrawls.

My guess is that he dropped her because of my sons, or the PA never materialized, or he got his notch and eventually dropped her. I think he just wanted another notch on his expensive belt – perhaps she figured it out. I know that she will never tell me and it will remain a mystery. In the last year – well we are getting along nicely but I spy and snoop like there is no tomorrow. I did see a contact to the OM a couple of months ago on the cell phone – 4 min call and nothing since that time.

The only thing not back to normal is SF – no SF for 6 mos early this year. Very frustrating – I am definitely not over the hill yet. I have sat her down and explained to her I want a W and companion for life – I have no need for a maid nor a room mate. She still works at same place but gets home right on time for the last 12 mos. Things are getting better. I have made sure there is more time for us.

I have tried to bring it up and she quickly says that its all in my mind. Gets upset that I would even think that she could fall for anyone else. I don’t push it because I know if it happens again in the future – I will catch it early with proof. I have my ducks in a row, a plan in place if it happens. One key thing I have learned from this site – get a plan and stay the course. It’s the only way to master the emotional roller coaster. I may have been lucky this time that it didn’t take a bad turn like she wanting to move in with OM, etc but I also realize I don’t have control of events – only my own actions.

Long story but quick queston? Anyone out there find out about an affair after it ran its course or am I the only one who didnt notice it until the A ran out of steam?


Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
Joined: Sep 2003
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What is her explanation for no sex?

Joined: Dec 2003
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With no contact with the OM for quite some time, I would recommend you contact the Harley's for counseling. Your W could be in a state of depression, or, contact could be ongoing. Your W obviously has issues of some kind, or she would have returned to some pattern of SF, JMHO.

Have you read Harley's books? What is your plan for enticing your W to be more of a W, in the SF department? Is she pretty much "normal" in all other areas of marraige? How is her relationship with her sons? (Damn good sons, they were, by the way!)

Best wishes,
SD


BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04

***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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Quote
Long story but quick queston? Anyone out there find out about an affair after it ran its course or am I the only one who didnt notice it until the A ran out of steam?

I found out about my FWW's A as it was ending (the PA part of it had ended 5 months prior to D-Day, and the EA part ended shortly after D-Day). She was *very* good at hiding it (no written records, no calls using home phone, only invited him over when I was out of the country, etc.). However there were still signs that something was not right - more secretive, a lack of empathy for any of the problems I was going through at the time, etc. Of course I only recognized this on D-Day.

Don't beat yourself up too much about this - after so many years of M, your "possibly-FWW" would likely know enough about you to be able to effectively hide something like an A from you.


ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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I also found out after the fact- about a year or so later. The affair was long over and the marriage seemed somehow stronger and better. I didn't know it was because there were now just 2 of us rather than 3.
It is hard not to beat yourself up over not realizing what is amiss immediately. The fact is that I trusted my spouse and never believed that an affair could happen to us. Afterall, his father had had an affair and it devasted his dear mother. How could he possibly turn around and do the same thing to hs own family?
I just never realized how easy it can be to lead a double life. Had I realized during the affair, I am 100% convinced that I would have left without a second thought.However, I am a different person today (lucky for him...).
You cannot control the past or the actions of anyone else but yourself. Easier said than done, I know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Hang in there.

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rwinger Offline OP
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W explains lack of SF due to “issues” “not in the mood” “too busy – we have stuff to do first”. It has picked up some but seems to be more for my sake; which doesn’t appeal to me in the least.

Might be due to menopause. Wish I could find more info on that subject. I have a higher than normal libido but have learned to control my urge. I have resigned to never beg and wait for her to initiate. What’s the point – better than the rejection.

One comment – W went on a 90 day smoking cessation program cpl of yrs back before A -prescribed by my doctor. He put her on Wellbutrin – which reduced the toabacco cravings. It worked but one side effect was she wanted SF all the time. I mean she was turbo-charged – wanted several times per day. Absolutely amazing – I need to research this more LOL – Never see this on the TV ads.

I also realize that we may have become more like buddies over the years and I am working to sweep her off her feet. We used to (pre-A) to go on Saturday dates (3 out of 4 weekends) and have started to do that again. Buy flowers for her when I go to the grocery store – little things like that. Things are improving and I am getting a rush doing things like that again.

Ordering the HNHN book – I need to understand this situation more. It seems to be a more positive action oriented approach than other books I have read.

I am very lucky to have such good kids. Our family is very adventurous / active and spend a lot of time together. I was pretty much the recreational director for the neighborhood children for 10 yrs. We may be the only house on the block without a D or any blended families. Man - what does that say for our society?

We are all physical fit and take care of ourselves for the most part. I need to stop the smokes though. My sons have become my best friends. My teenage DD is getting to be bit high maintenance lately. Perhaps that’s good since any OM would have to endure it as well - hehe. My sons on other hand would make the potential A – a living h3ll for W.

My illness from the Mexican trip may have been the ice on the fire for the A. It was the first time I have been ill other than a head cold since 1983 when I had the flu. Its very rare and my family response was crisis mode. These reasons including my kids may have push fantasy into reality and turned the tide. The Lord has a reason for everything but we don’t see it at the time.

Concerning the A - Before I worked in IT I used to do skip trace work for bounty hunters when I moved from Canada to Texas. I worked my way through college for 10 yrs. The A may very well be deep underground but a "sign" will always pop up. Passive sonar is on.

One point of my post – in spite what I thought was a healthy good marriage, something did go awry. We change, our relationship changes over time, we need to be aware of this and always improve ourselves. Always keep the marriage first priority after GOD. For H&W – there are predators out there who will snatch away your S given any chance they can get. They are everywhere and unless you live in a cloistered community, do not take your marriage nor your spouse for granted. They are a gift – protect them and yourself.


Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl

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