JustKeepGoing.....



I TOTALLY agree. H and I are, for the first time in our 15 yrs together, starting to be open and honest with each other. Our communication problems go way back. I have alot of work to do when it comes to LB's. It was a pattern my whole life and although I can catch it sometimes, I don't catch it nearly enough. This will be a SERIOUS issue for us.



My sentiments exactly.

I appreciate your input and we have been reading HNHN. Turns out he's pretty good at meeting mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Windstopped....



Aint that the truth!! I laughed when I read that.

Thanks for hanging on.

Believer....



In the first 3 wks of our separation, I was TERRIFIED. H told me I needed to go out and get a job immediately because he was no longer going to be supporting us (the kids and I.) He DID NOT tell me that he was going to be paying the bills until later and that he would only be paying them until the divorce went through. He told me he was going to file for the divorce right away. He saw an attorney the first or second week he was gone. It only takes about 2 months to get a divorce here. I haven't worked in about 8 yrs other than part time jobs off and on over that period.

I was in school and so were my kids. I quit my full time job years ago to stay home with the kids. I knew I wouldn't be making very much money, would have had to sell our house and things were looking pretty bleak financially. He had no intentions of helping me in anyway other than the 50/50 split of assets.

I wanted just enough alimony so I could work part time and go to school full time to get it over with so I could make enough to support myself and the kids. My kids were graduating school soon. Their plans were to live at home and go to a community college here. That was the plan for a long time.

My H was very cruel to me during those first few weeks. I'll never forget it. I knew we had a rocky marriage but was always hopeful that one day we would connect. I was completely blindsided by his requesting a divorce and him telling me that he didn't love me.

Just a few months before at christmas he gave me his grandmother's ring that he "wanted to keep in the family". During his affair before he left, we were talking salsa dance classes together once a week for 8 wks.

Feeling abandoned was more than just the terrifying financial aspect of it. My H abandoned "me". I was devastated.

JKG.......



I totally agree this is the way it is and that'll lessen with time. I feel like I've already come a long way as far as processing and feeling a little less pain. In time I know it'll get better. It already has. I know I will be our worst enemy but don't see any other way around this process.

JKG.....



I believe my H did this over the weekend while I was so withdrawn. It made a HUGE difference. He gave me the space I needed without making me feel like he was waiting on me to come out of it. He took care of himself and that made me feel less anxious and really good.

Believer......



AMEN SISTER!!! This kills me. I knew we were distant for most of our marriage. I asked him on numerous occassions throughout our marriage to please, please, please leave me first if he was going to have an affair. He agreed.

Believer.....



Read that stuff several times awhile back but I do need to revisit it again. I am ready to start learning about forgivenss too.



I totally agree.



I agree. I have alot of work to do in the LB area. I'm going to see if I can get counseling through my school first and then look at other options if I need to. I grew up in an abusive home. LOTS of yelling. That's how we got our pain out. It's been a problem that I knew was a problem for a long time but didn't see how bad it was until my H left last time. I thought this was the main reason he left. I know now that was a part of it. The OW had alot to do with it too.



I will talk to H about planning realtionship talks. This doesn't sit well with me even though I can see the advantages. If I feel the need to talk I want to and it's hard to keep it bottle up inside for however long. I want to get it over with. Although, over the past 4 months, I will go days without talking about the "A" so we can reconnect. It's just been really hard the last three weeks because of all the new infomation about the affair and the lies that went with it.

Beliver.....



H did start his own thread this weekend. Here's the link if anyone is interested:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/new...part=5&vc=1



I unfortunately started more than one thread since I've been posting here. I just tried to find a post that I did early on explaining "my affair". I couldn't find it but I didn't try that hard. I have so many post so I'll fill you in here. BTW.....learned my lesson already on creating more than one post. I'm staying here.

Here goes....my affair.....

Probably about 9 months or more before my H's affair (I still need to look up this date so I can know for sure) I went to a Phi Theta Kappa convention for the weekend with some friends from school. We had a blast. The last night we were there, a female friend of mine and myself we sitting by the pool having a drink. It was already getting late, probably around 10:00.

Three guys walked up to our table and one of them asked for a light. My female friend sparked up conversation with them (she is also married) and they joined us at our table. They just left a bachelor party and the limo driver was with them. After about 30 mins of converation, we all went for a two hr drive in the limo. There was drinking, laughing and talking.

This one guy who I found attractive was hitting on me all night. After the limo ride we sat in my van to talk so we could (gonna get 2x4'd for this big time) smoke a joint and continue to drink. We listened to music, talked a lot and I let him kiss me. Then I let him kiss me more. I let him kiss me but would not let him put his hands on my body where he would like to have had. I told him a bunch of times that I wasn't going to sleep with him. I was only going to allow myself to enjoy the kissing.

It was part enjoyement and part guilt. Actually the whole time I was with him (about 2 hrs in the van) I felt desired and wanted by him but also felt awful at the same time. All I could think about was how bad that I wanted to do this with my H. It killed me that I didn't have that kind of effection and open communication with my H.

I was starving for attention. Excuse I know, but that was my justification. My H would come home from work, talk to me maybe for 10 min then get on his computer game and play to the wee hours of the morning. Day in and day out for years. He did this on the weekends too.

He use to tell me before I left to go on a school trip, "Have fun but not too much fun and if you do, I don't want to hear about it". Also he thought it was funny to say, "remind me to send your boyfriend a thank you note" when I kept myself busy. Before the computer games it was a book. He was withdrawn our entire marriage.

The OM begged for my phone # but I wouldn't give it to him becuase I had already decided during that affectionate/awful two hrs with him.....that I loved my H, I didn't want to disprect my H like that ever again, I wanted my marriage to work and this would only kill it, and that only my H could make me feel what I was missing. It didn't take me long to figure out what the OM was giving me wasn't what I wanted.

I carried this guilt around until about 4 months ago. My H held a different viewpoint than me and almost convinced me of the same. He use to tell me that "if someone has an affair, that they should keep it to themself and live with the guilt instead of inflicting the pain on the spouse". This was his belief that's why I use to always tell him to leave me first before he had an affair if that should ever come up. I think we can all see how there would never be the possibility of an intimate relationship if this were the case. I was always haunted by this since my H was such a big flirt.

Anyway, in those few hours with the OM, I learned quickly that it felt wrong, I didn't disrepect my H enough to ever humiliate him like that again, and all I wanted was to have my H giving me the affection I needed because it felt empty with the OM.

I also had to keep it to myself and couldn't be honest with my H about it becuase not only would he have been hurt by it (at the time I didn't think he would anyway) but more so, he would have accused me of trying to hurt him more by telling him about it.

My H didn't confess his affair to me until I had some proof and then he minimized it so terribly for so long that he put a knife in me everytime I found out just how big it really was. Right after his minimal confession, I told him about mine. He barely had any reaction. Had no questions. I honestly don't think it hurt him that much. This was before we found MB and was his tank was empty anyway. Mine too pretty much but I've always loved him anyways.

Now that we have used the MB principals and have found love for each other more than we ever have, I think it hurts him deeply now and that hurts me. But it also hurt me when he didn't show any pain about it previously so now it's like a double edged sword. It makes me think he actually cares about me if I see him hurting over it. But that makes me feel really bad too.

I spent the evening last night with my H just enjoying ourselves. We needed a break.

Been catching up this morning on things I wanted to post. I have one more that I really need some advice on asap that'll I'll be posting in the next hr or so. I won't be on tonight cuz I promised H that we would play his (and mine now) computer game.

Thanks for sticking with me MB family.

All MB'ers........

I could really use some adive here. Here's the situation:

This past Thursday night, I called the OW’s husband. I have been wanting to do that for a few months now. Didn’t know what to expect. During the affair, the OW told my H she was separated from her husband and that her husband had his share of girlfriends.

My H told me that he rarely ever called her and she mostly called him. They communicated via email and internet chat mostly. My H told me he did call her house once and her husband answered the phone. My H questioned the OW about this later and she told my H that her husband was just there to do some kind of household thing or whatever.

When I was getting ready to call him, my heart was pounding out of my chest and my hands were shaking. I was so scared that the OW would answer the phone and I definitely do not want to hear the sound of her voice. The voice that my husband made love to for months.

The OW’s daughter answered the phone (OW denied her kids during the affair, said she couldn’t have any) and I asked for OW's husband. When he got on the phone I told him my name and that I had some very important info to give him. He said o.k. I told him that his wife and my H had a 4 month long affair and asked him to verify a few Q’s about his wife to confirm they were indeed the OW and the OW’s husband. It was confirmed. I offered to give him my email address so I could fill him in on some details. I knew his daughter was there and it wasn’t the right time. He agreed. He emailed me the next morning from his office.

Instead of writing emails that could be discovered by his company causing him embarrassment, I called him at his ofc and told him the whole story. He emailed me the next day and told me he was getting “his ducks in a row”. I don’t even know if he’s confronted OW yet.

The OW's husband is waiting for me to call him today in a few hrs as planned per an email I sent him this morning. I figured he’d have Q’s after having the weekend to process it all.

My dilemma…..I want to ask the OW's husband if he’ll email me after he’s confronted her and let me know what her side of the story is. I want to compare what she says about the affair to what my H says about the affair. Is this wrong? I do not intend to hold this man’s hand through this ordeal, I just have questions that I want answered and he probably does too.

What do ya think guys?

Also, I know I just said I wasn't going to start another thread but I think this particular subject needs a new topic heading.

Smoking dope, drinking, and making out with a stranger in a van is very risky behavior. And this was BEFORE your husband's affair.

I say go for it, if you want to hear OW's side. Of course she is an admitted liar, so who knows.

Then your hubby may want to talk to the drinking/dope guy, to see if his story matches yours. Do you see where this is going?

Instead, I admit that your marriage has been limping along for a long time, and put your efforts into building a new and better job.

Seeing it in writing makes me realize even more now how stupid that was. Although, there was a very annoying security guy in a golf cart that drove around the hotel and passed by my van every 3 mins or so for the whole two hours...lol....

Seriously though....Don't think I'll be at risk for a revenge affair now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />



I already thought about the possibility of the OW lying before I called. I still want to hear her side if it's possible but I'm not going to freak out if I don't get the info. And quite frankly, I don't think I'm going to find out. When I talked to OW's husband last night for the 2nd time, he was leaning towards just leaving her and not even mentioning the affair cuz he thinks she's involved with someone else now. Told me there have been other men calling the house over a period but don't know how long. It all sounds so strange to me. I guess there is trouble in paradise. I have to admit that I'm kinda dissapointed that he hasn't confronted her yet. I am getting a sick kick of fantasizing how it'll feel to her when she knows that I've been talking to HER husband behind her back. Is that bad? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

No, it is not (too) stick. The other thing to keep in mind is that she might be angry and tell things that didn't happen.

I spent some time yesterday reading on the "other" board, where the WW's post. When they are exposed, many get furious and try to damage the marriage by telling lies to the wife.

All in all, I think it is always best NOT to bother with the OW. Your main problem is right there in the home with you. It will take all of your energy to fix this.