Another thing that you might go to a counselor for is to explain to her why you completely abandoned her and the family.

In the end, that was why I decided to divorce my ex.

As painful as affairs are, being abandoned is terrifying. Many seem to have an affair, but still take care of their family, but there are some who don't.

You think you've got it bad in the back Huh! She's up front and still doesn't know what's happening with her emotions. They come on her when she least expects them too. She will be doing fine then, "bam" something will trigger an emotion. But they can be dealt with and given time they will lesson and should eventually go away if dealt with correctly. With help, patience and support on your part she can learn to deal with those in a positive way so that they are no longer important enough to acknowledge.

I will still have those ugly emotions pop up occasionally to this day since I never really dealt with them properly at the time. So Now, I prefer to say to myself "I've been over that ground enough now Get Over It and move on" and not let it get in the way of our Life and M. I have decided that I want to have a great M with my Wife, notice I did use the FWW term here, and will not allow those emotions about the past to control our Lives.

I was refering to her having the front car to mean she has the worst part of it. Not a very good analogy.

I'm glad you've reached the point of forgiveness and have been able to rebuild. I hope both of us are able to do the same.

I know I want a great marriage, but that's easier for me to say. She will ultimately decide whether it's worth the risk.

I think you could help her make the right choice by being the best you, husband and father, that you can be. Make yourself into the most supportive, patient, strong, caring, but not smothering person you can be. Kind of do your own Plan A in reverse.

I don't think plan A has to be only for a BS. Be the person that she was attacted to originally, only better!!


Believer Quote

"Another thing that you might go to a counselor for is to explain to her why you completely abandoned her and the family"


What's up with that? You need to explain this!

That is certainly something that must be weighing on her mind. I didn't see this in the thread maybe I just missed it.

But in any case this means a major repair job for you if that is true.

My paycheck still went to the same account, in full, which she held the checkbook for. In the period of about 2 months, I withdrew $200-300 for living expenses. All the bills were paid.

Does that still qualify as "complete abandonment" in your mind?

It's possible I'm wrong about the context of this. I'm not going to debate what her feelings were. She felt abandoned.

I will be discussing with a counselor, at length, reasons for leaving though.

I suggest you spend the $185. for one call to the Harley's. Then you will have a plan of action for exactly what to do, and your wife will get some instruction on what not to do.

And whatever your reasons for leaving were, they are all one big excuse. If the marriage was so awful, you could have divorced, and THEN looked around for someone else.

The Harley's are experts on this stuff, and can start you on a plan for recovery.

You know..... I feel frozen and like I've lost my voice today. God works in mysterious ways. I appreciate the support group.

These are definitely questions I've been burdened with. I figured in time I could sort through all of this.

Doesn't help when I loose my voice. That happens when I go into protective mode and process and so wrought with grief that I can't even put into words or comprehend what I'm feeling. That's when I lurk. Hide and lurk.

Agreed. I'm working on this. Admittedly, better at some times than others.




My wife states, in the first post, that I "completely abandoned" her.


She felt that way. I left. The rest are specific details that will need to be discussed.

My wife and I will discuss this.


If I had tossed the affair into the mix, I see your point. There is no excuse for the affair. I wasn't refering to it.

This is actually the 2nd time we've seperated. There was no affair the first time. My reasons for leaving would have been the same.

There are a lot of things I want to discuss with a counselor. Most of which aren't directly related to the affair.


I agree. That's why we've purchased the lesson kit and started working on it. We've been slacking lately and need to renew our efforts. It's spelled out pretty well in there.

Good to hear that.

And Mopey - when you are hiding and lurking, go to the home page at the top, and read the Overcoming resentment, and Restoring the Marriage articles. I know how awful all of this feels. Trust us that it WILL get better. Your husband is posting here, which hardly ever happens.

That is a very good sign. But you have to realize that the marriage didn't get this broke in a couple of weeks, and it is NOT going to get fixed in a couple of weeks.

You are in the unique position of knowing some of the things that were wrong in your marriage, things that need to be changed. So start working on those.

I would also write down questions or fears you have and schedule a half hour to talk about it, and then DROP it. Then do the same another day. This stuff is exhausting to both of you.

Just a thought!

Don't forget to find some way to have a little fun together too!

Just try to let down the defenses and emotions even if just for a short time.

Remember some of the good stuff, there has to be some, and try to make some new memories. Start simple and build on it as time goes by.

The above is from Mopey's first post on this thread.

Mopey, how long was he gone when he left for this OW?

If you didn't know about the EA, where did you think he was and why did he say he moved out?

You say they never met, but are you sure?

Apologies if I've missed the answers to these . . .
Mulan

The online affair started about 6 wks (originally thought it was 4 wks) before he told me that he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. He moved out 3 days later and was gone for about 2 months. H moved in with a male friend that he worked with.



I definitely believe he was staying with his male friend.

He told me he moved out because he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for some time. I asked him during the separation if there was another woman and he said, "no". What H tells me now, and told the OW at the time too, is that he was going to wait until I got out of school (which would have been two more years) and then he was going to leave me. He told OW that she just helped him push the date up a little. (It pushed it up 2 yrs).



H's friend, that he moved in with during our separation 1 1/2 yrs ago, also played the online game that my H met the OW on. My H introduced this friend to the OW's sister, on line. My H's friend and OW's sister actually did meet during my H's affair.

The OW's sister looked exactly like the picture the OW sent my H of herself. My H's friend got suspicious of this and convinced my H to check it out. My H went online and did a background check on the OW. The OW told my H she was 32 yrs old (background check showed that she was around 51 yrs old, maybe older, don't remember what he told me.) The OW told my H she had no kids and couldn't. Background ck showed she had kids. My H received a picture, I'm guessing from his friend, of who they think is the real OW and she is overweight and not nearly as attractive as the picture the OW sent to my H claiming it was her. It was actually a picture of the OW's sister.

It was around the time that the friend and OW's sister met, that the OW started to "let go of my H". My H was upset with her for lying to him (what goes around comes around) and broke it off with her. It wasn't long after that that he wanted to reconcile with me.

I also forgot to mention that the OW lives in Texas and we live several states away. I know this for a fact because I called the OW's husband (in Texas) this past Thursday night and filled him in on the affair.

Mopey - Here is my suggestion, and please discuss it with your husband. You stay here on one thread, and let him continue on his thread in Recovery. It is slow over there, but some of the best "experts" post there.

And by the way, I missed the part about your affair........

Mopey - Are you hiding and lurking, or just busy?

Windstopped.....


I agree. Here are the ones I've come up with so far:

Individual counseling
Transparency
Honest and Open communication
Concious effort to study MB principles

xxx0000

Windstopped.....



That means alot. I don't want to fail you either.



Yes I would want to know. So if you have any, please share.

[quote] I did not fill in enough detail while telling her the story of the affair, and lied about specific details. I think that's been covered now, but that's where we sit /quote]


It took me 4 months to get the truth from him. It has only been since Christmas, last wk, that I got the whole truth. And in that truth were some very painful details that were "lied" about. So, for the past week I've been processing the pain, determining if you were going to continue to lie to me and trying to decide what is best for me. In order to make such huge decisions, I had questions and needed time to process.

I'm excited too. It'll come. I working through the pain and I'm starting to accept all of this.