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Whatever you do...keep wife away from this thread and keep us your secret until well into recovery.
The reason I mention this NOW is because the "game" reference specifically could very well be used by WW's attorney in any divorce/custody proceeding to make you appear to be vindictive and game playing merely to get your wife back as opposed to really being interested in the "best interests of the children".
I know it's just an analogy. I know that's not your intent (you want your family back and THAT ultimately IS in the best interests of the children) and I know an active wayward spouse (of either gender) is situationally an unfit parent; HOWEVER, the courts in most states will not consider her adultery to much or any extent when making it's determintation about the kids. The "game" references could potentially give them at least one argument to use against you....thus, keep her away from here or don't use it.
I prefer calling it a battle for your family. In a "game" you have rules...in a war, all's fair. When you win a game...there is a trophy/award...recovery is not much of a trophy. On the other hand, winnig a war is more comparable as there is always a lot of cleaning up the casualties and mending of wounds. Further, you aren't "playing" for your family you are "fighting" for them. See the difference...a "game" is just to cute a term for such a serious matter.
Mr. Wondering
p.s. - I sent you email yesterday afternoon
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Me-34 (BS)
W-33 (WW)
DD-7
Married 3/28/1992
DDay 8/4/06
Seperated 8/18/06
Plan A Start 1/4/07
**A Warrior does not give up on what he Loves, he finds the Love in what he does.**
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What's the bad news, PHB?
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Whatever you do...keep wife away from this thread and keep us your secret until well into recovery.
The reason I mention this NOW is because the "game" reference specifically could very well be used by WW's attorney in any divorce/custody proceeding to make you appear to be vindictive and game playing merely to get your wife back as opposed to really being interested in the "best interests of the children".
I know it's just an analogy. I know that's not your intent (you want your family back and THAT ultimately IS in the best interests of the children) and I know an active wayward spouse (of either gender) is situationally an unfit parent; HOWEVER, the courts in most states will not consider her adultery to much or any extent when making it's determintation about the kids. The "game" references could potentially give them at least one argument to use against you....thus, keep her away from here or don't use it.
I prefer calling it a battle for your family. In a "game" you have rules...in a war, all's fair. When you win a game...there is a trophy/award...recovery is not much of a trophy. On the other hand, winnig a war is more comparable as there is always a lot of cleaning up the casualties and mending of wounds. Further, you aren't "playing" for your family you are "fighting" for them. See the difference...a "game" is just to cute a term for such a serious matter.
Mr. Wondering
p.s. - I sent you email yesterday afternoon Thanks for that insight Mr.W I wasn't looking at it that way. I did receive you email and have been trying to decide what to do. I received some bad news earlier and I have been trying to reach the person to find out what was said and how. This person told my buddy to make sure I called. I keep getting a voice mail. I will update when I find out more but my buddy told me that this person had a long talk with WW and the news wasn't good. So I guess I will keep my mouth shut next time when I said nothing was happening. I will wait until talk to them before I jump ship.
Me-34 (BS)
W-33 (WW)
DD-7
Married 3/28/1992
DDay 8/4/06
Seperated 8/18/06
Plan A Start 1/4/07
**A Warrior does not give up on what he Loves, he finds the Love in what he does.**
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What's the bad news, PHB? hope to let you know shortly, haven't been able to contact the person who had long talk with WW
Me-34 (BS)
W-33 (WW)
DD-7
Married 3/28/1992
DDay 8/4/06
Seperated 8/18/06
Plan A Start 1/4/07
**A Warrior does not give up on what he Loves, he finds the Love in what he does.**
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So you have NO idea what the bad news is?
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Just remember that whatever you hear your W said, she is fog bound, and can speak nothing other than fog babble.
Take it with a grain of salt and stay on your plan.
SD
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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Just got off the phone with the lady and I need to be brief because I am at work. Maybe its because I am maturing in Plan A or just getting emtionally detached but I didn't take it a bad as my friend did. I will give some quick hits of what WW said and also points out the positives that I caught. WW said she had given everything she had to me and had nothing left. She felt empty and was upset as to how I have handled this sitch. WW brought up some of thie things that was in the email but lady said that there was no way it was that bad and that WW was only looking at BS negatives and to try to look at some positives. Then WW said that BS was a wonderful person, caring, very generous, never complained, and always supported WW when she wanted something and a few more. Then she said she new she handled this sitch wrong but she thought this was her only way out.
Now I look at this a couple different ways. One is she was able to say positive things about me.
the other is that her pride would not let her come back and also the guilt she would have would be to much for her.
I will try to give a more details tonight but the overall view from this lady was for me to move on. That is what hurts is when others tell you to move on. But I told her I had already released WW and trusting God. I have Plan A
Me-34 (BS)
W-33 (WW)
DD-7
Married 3/28/1992
DDay 8/4/06
Seperated 8/18/06
Plan A Start 1/4/07
**A Warrior does not give up on what he Loves, he finds the Love in what he does.**
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PHB,,
I don' take this as all bad. Did you say that your WW is still very much involved in the A? If so, this is exactly what I would have expected her to say.
Also, document this really well, who told you this, when, time, etc...exact words such that it could be recalled in any custody hearing that hopefully will not take place.
Hang in there. The key is destroying the A.
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Oh, ok, I was thought maybe she had decided to move in w/ OM. Your 2nd hand info doesn't change a thing. People who care about you and don't understand MB's principles will tell you to move on. They are afraid you are setting yourself up for more pain by fighting for your M. They don't understand. But you do. And like you said.... So onward and upward.... ~ Marsh
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That's exactly why some of us idgets still post here. We've heard all the "stuff" they say, and when you know in advance their whole premise, you are better off. You know others have heard the same "stuff" and prevailed in their efforts. When you are NOT prepared and don't know it's coming, it can be totally depressing, and make giving up so much easier. Knowing in advance what they'll say doesn't allow the knife to cut so deep.
Her feelings and statements have some "truth" in them, but those are temporary feelings, and they can be changed with an effort by a husband who is prepared to do the work!
Best wishes,
SD
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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PHB,,
I don' take this as all bad. Did you say that your WW is still very much involved in the A? If so, this is exactly what I would have expected her to say.
Also, document this really well, who told you this, when, time, etc...exact words such that it could be recalled in any custody hearing that hopefully will not take place.
Hang in there. The key is destroying the A. Agree...especially document all the positive things she said about you. ~ Marsh
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One more thing she said was big in my book was that BS had said he was going to change many times, and he would for a while, but then fall back. That tells me I can't show a change in the way I am now. Any sign of going back would be a big LB. See i am learning. cya tonight
Me-34 (BS)
W-33 (WW)
DD-7
Married 3/28/1992
DDay 8/4/06
Seperated 8/18/06
Plan A Start 1/4/07
**A Warrior does not give up on what he Loves, he finds the Love in what he does.**
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I still don't know how to do that damn quote thing - block by block so here goes: Just got off the phone with the lady and I need to be brief because I am at work. Maybe its because I am maturing in Plan A or just getting emtionally detached but I didn't take it a bad as my friend did.
****some of both****
I will give some quick hits of what WW said and also points out the positives that I caught. WW said she had given everything she had to me and had nothing left. She felt empty
***** I heard these things from my wife in Oct. Nothing new here, we all know she feels like this. FOR NOW, NOT FOREVER***
and was upset as to how I have handled this sitch.
***sure she is mad, you are not making it easy for her to leave and have the A and be happy. She thinks that will make her happy, but it won't. You are the wort on her [censored] of progress toward the A.******
WW brought up some of thie things that was in the email but lady said that there was no way it was that bad and that WW was only looking at BS negatives and to try to look at some positives. Then WW said that BS was a wonderful person, caring, very generous, never complained, and always supported WW when she wanted something and a few more.
*****pHB bad, pHB good - Your ww doesn't know which way is up right now and is having a hard time within herself with all of this. ALL Fog.*****
Then she said she new she handled this sitch wrong but she thought this was her only way out.
****very normal for her to feel like this. Steve H told me this. Now we have to work on you being the lighthouse to show her the way home. All a process and all in time. Thats that part that sucks - the time it takes. *****
Now I look at this a couple different ways. One is she was able to say positive things about me.
the other is that her pride would not let her come back and also the guilt she would have would be to much for her.
**** even in the fog she still says nice things about you. That is a good sign.******
I will try to give a more details tonight but the overall view from this lady was for me to move on. That is what hurts is when others tell you to move on. But I told her I had already released WW and trusting God. I have Plan A You're doing good so far and you are learning.
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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I still don't know how to do that damn quote thing - block by block so here goes: LOL When you want to reply to a poster, click reply from their post. Then scroll down to their post (under the box you're writing in) copy what you want to quote and then click on the quote box underneath "Instant UBB Code" the following will appear.. ---->[qoute] [color:"red"] * [/color] [/qoute]<----- (only w/ the words "quote" spelled corectly and minus the [color:"red"] * [/color] ) Paste the quote you want inside those quotes.(Where the red * is) Repeat as needed. ~ Marsh
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When you want to reply to a poster, click reply from their post. Paste the quote you want inside those quotes.(Where the red * is) Repeat as needed. Thanks, you learn something everyday!!!! Bet you couldn't tell this was my first "chat room" I've ever been to? Too bad it had to be this one though. thanks agian Marsh
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Bet you couldn't tell this was my first "chat room" I've ever been to? LOL You still haven't been to a chat room. (Neither have I. ) This is a message board. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> And you're welcome, M2L. ~ Marsh
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Bet you couldn't tell this was my first "chat room" I've ever been to? LOL You still haven't been to a chat room. (Neither have I. ) This is a message board. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> And you're welcome, M2L. ~ Marsh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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DD informed me that WW gave her a spanking when DD pitched a fit about OM coming over. She also stated that OM came over anyway. Now that normally ticks me off. But this time I had my little VR in my pocket and I turned it on and recorded DD as she was talking aboutthe thing WW had did while she was with her. Is that a good thing? Should I call her or do you want me to type out exactly what was said. DD didn't know I was recording. What should i do?
Me-34 (BS)
W-33 (WW)
DD-7
Married 3/28/1992
DDay 8/4/06
Seperated 8/18/06
Plan A Start 1/4/07
**A Warrior does not give up on what he Loves, he finds the Love in what he does.**
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This is gold for any custody hearing. Don't let your WW know you have this. I might talk to her about how she is handling her DD, however.
Last edited by jmwc95; 01/11/07 05:13 PM.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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