Don't sweat her

YOu stroked her with the donuts....even if she complains about them.

Might just be that time of the month or she just wants to keep blaming you for everything. If you ever have the time...keep her talking, despite all the fog babble coming out of her mouth.

But for NOW; Focus on your job

I remember how hard that was but try.

Mr. Wondering

Mr W

Shouldn't I email WW explaning my side of this story. Even if it is for custody purposes only.

Her time of the month isn't regular. It usually only comes 2 or 3 times per year unless she takes medicine to start it.
It is hard to focus on a job when all of this unexpectantly happens, but I am trying. I just want to make sure I don't LB by saying something I souldn't. That is why I told her I would not argue with her.

Resign yourself to understanding that most everything to do with a WS can be unexpected. Not to mention venomous and illogical. Remember the more she "seem's" upset, generally, the more CONFLICT she is in, hopefully, created in part by the donuts! Mission Accomplished!

SD

Should I not explain it with an email. I seem to do better right now with emails rather than face to face. I am not educated enough yet to say the right words.

I don't mean to sound dumb but how would the donuts cause conflict.

I think you handled it just fine.

I'd forget about the e-mail...in this case I think less IS more.

She just wanted you to fix something that SHE messed up. I don't blame DD for being angry about her things being messed w/. You ought to suggest to DD to bring whatever she values w/ her when she comes to your house. Or maybe look into buying her a trunk w/ a lock on it so she can protect her things at her mother's.


~ Marsh

Hey pHB,

Don't respond at all about this AM call from your ww. Let it go.

The donuts you gave were your way of still showing her how much you think/ care for her. See knows what she is doing is wrong she just can't help herself. Then you keep acting so nice and husbandly to her. She doesn't understand this. How could you be so nice when she crapped on you like she did?

This is conflict within her own mind. If you did nothing but yell at her and be an a55 then she would have no conflict. In her mind she would be doing the right thing - getting away from you.

Keep it up, it's weighing on her mind.

Now get back to work. I might own stock (401K) in your Co. if your public and I don't want my Co. paying you to read this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

She'd rather have you behave angry and mean so she can continue to justify her A> Your bringing the donuts caused conflict in her mind, b/c you were thoughtful when she wanted you to be nasty.

I agree w/ SD, the donuts worked!!!

~ Marsh

Already thought about that and will suggest it next time I talk to her.

Less is more. I am learning because I didn't fire back at her this morning. I remained calm and just said I am at work and I will not argue with you. So I think I did ok with that but It ticks me off that she is blaming me for this and telling others that it is my fault. I am here to vent. You all told me to do it here so that is what I am doing. I just wish I could get my mind off of it.

Ok I will let it go. But I am still ticked off about this weekend of WW's spending time with OM's kids and not even calling her own. Letting go now

I sure hope and pray that all of this is correct. I know all of you have been thru this before so it helps me to understand better. I just hope you all are right. I hope and pray that my niceness is driving her crazy.

Vent away!!!

I honestly don't think you could have handled that any better.

If she tries to tell anyone that you are to blame for what happened this morning, she will look perfectly ridiculous! No one w/ a brain in their head will not see the situation for what it was.

~ Marsh

And so did the phone call to you. She wanted you to get angry...she was just about begging for it, which is why she said what she did about the donuts. She doesn't WANT you to be nice to her. It takes some of the fun out of the A for her.

Conflict is GOOD.

Don't let her remark about the donuts discourage you from reaching out again.

~ Marsh

Doing just that

Thanks I hoped I handled it ok.


Only the fools beleive what WW is saying, She does try to mix it all up to sound in her favor. I just need to forget about it and move on improving myself. BTW I am seeing definition in my abs. Yeah <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Terrific! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

THAT'S gotta make you feel good about yourself, huh? Maybe you should post some before and after photos of yourself like Walt did. Have you SEEN his pics yet? They are in his sigline.

~ Marsh

I would post some pix of myself now but I am into rebuilding marriages, not destroying them HAHA.

No really I may do that later on when I get to where I am going.

Marsh did you not see anything I did wrong this morning. I was totally caught offguard. When I left WW house everything was fine. Then BAM I get a phonecall and all the crap is hitting the fan. It's like no matter how hard I try, she still pushes away and blames me. WW said everytime DD comes back to her house she is different. Well we didn't talk much about it this weekend, only when DD wanted to talk about it. I don't know how much more I can do or take.

I think you handled that phone call and your temper perfectly. You didn't lose your cool and love bust her, you didn't show any weakness by trying to defend yourself, you were matter of fact. Which must have thrown her off balance... so much so that she felt she had to phone you back w/ that snarky comment hoping she'd get a rise out of you.

I'd say you have reason to be proud of yourself, PHB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

come on now PHB

It's nearly 11 am EST and you've spent too much time analyzing this.

YOUR wife had a tough morning, she's tired out and she may have tried really hard all weekend to convince herself she was happy

Then you (and DD9) ruined it monday morning.

Remember the 3 states of relations

1. intimacy
2. Conflict
3. withdrawal

Conflict is good. The donuts and your daughter put her there. I'd rather you spent and extra 5 - 10 minutes on the phone with her this morning instead of dismissing her with "I'm at work"....LISTENING than a few hours on here trying to understand it. You can listen without defending yourself....eventually, the ridiculousness of her words become your defense.

GET TO WORK.

YOU DID FINE

THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO UNDERSTAND



Post a question...then let it go. Spend the rest of the day focusing on that question. This morning IS already over for her. Let it go...move on.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- You sound a little insecure about your MB knowledge. Spend more time reading the main site and maybe reread some of the pinned Just Found Out newbie threads for Betrayed Spouse again. Reimforce your knowledge base. NOW...THAT would be a productive use of your time.

"Marsh did you not see anything I did wrong this morning. I was totally caught offguard. When I left WW house everything was fine. Then BAM I get a phonecall and all the crap is hitting the fan. It's like no matter how hard I try, she still pushes away and blames me. WW said everytime DD comes back to her house she is different. Well we didn't talk much about it this weekend, only when DD wanted to talk about it. I don't know how much more I can do or take."

pHB,

Lets look at this another way:

You are sleeping with a woman who isn't your wife. You like the way it makes you feel. It's new, fresh, fun and you feel like a real man now not just a H who does the dishes and such. Heck I would like that feeling too, who wouldn't? You try to stay in that A to keep those feelings going, but your wife keeps poking her damn head in and stops you from have that "good feeling" all the time.

This is why she wants to start fights with you or make you look like the bad spouse and parent. She needs to have you be bad so she can continue to feel good.

When you don't bite on her attempts it makes her even madder at you. YOU ARE RUINING HER FUN TIMES BY JUST BEING NICE AND THERE.

That is why we say that even just a few donuts helps create conflict