+++started a new thread so I could change subject line+++

It's been a while since I've posted but I lurk often. I wanted to give you all a quick update on my situation and tell you again how much I have appreciated the support that I get here. Just being able to read about everyone else and how they are dealing with their problems helps me a great deal.

I am doing much better than I was even a month ago. I like the changes I have made and am gaining confidence in myself daily. I always considered myself a strong and independent woman, but this A really threw me. The last few days have been somewhat difficult but I have a great deal of support and my family really made sure to take care of me this year. In a family of 5 kids, it's not often that one of you gets so much darn attention.

About a week ago, WH called me at work (which I've asked him not to do) and wanted to know when he could have DDs around Christmas. I asked him what he wanted to do and that I was willing to work with him on a schedule. He told me to make plans for whatever I wanted and he would fit in wherever he could (REALLY unlike him to offer that). He said he was the one that screwed all of this up and he knew he was the one who was going to have to be flexible and adjust to what we needed. Is he getting it? I don't know....maybe just words again with no follow through. We'll see what his actions are. We worked it out where he could come on Christmas eve morning and open presents at my house and then take DDs to his sister's house to open more presents there with their cousins. DDs had a GREAT time....they don't see these cousins often because WH and SIL do not have a very good relationship. DDs haven't seen these cousins since WH moved out. I did see SIL in the store the other day and she said hi but was very short and unfriendly. Then she saw DDs with me and was VERY friendly to them. Anyway, back to the telephone conversation about Christmas plans, a couple of times through the conversation WH said he "had made his bed and knew he would have to lie in it now". My sister and her two kids are staying with me for two weeks and WH was even willing to come to the house with them there. I decided that would be too awkward for DDs so I asked my sister to go to our mom's while WH was there. This in itself was pretty shocking, first that he was willing to come to my house at all (he has been adamant that he will not spend time with DDs there and seems pretty uncomfortable when he has come to pick them up - only stands in the doorway to wait for them), and second that he was ok with my sister and her kids being there. While discussing this part of the plans, he again said that he had made his bed and would have to deal with all that has brought on. Is H making an appearance?

WH came to the house Christmas Eve morning to open presents with DDs. He was pretty chatty, telling me stories about work, friends, and his family. He was wearing a new sweater (very preppy, which is not his style and new tennis shoes that were not his style either) I was pleasant but didn't ask many questions and didn't offer any stories of my own. I was pretty emotional and close to tears most of the time but I don't think he knew. Until they left, and then I couldn't help but let a few tears out. Then I sucked it up and waited until they were completely gone to cry. Christmas was better and less emotional. All of my siblings and my mother came to my house and we were busy all day. Then my sister, DD13, and I sang karoake until 1:30a! It was a blast, even though I don't have a voice this morning!

OW update: OW H has talked to OW about a legal separation and come to a verbal agreement. After that is filed, neither one can file for divorce for six months. According to OW H, she has not even spoken to a lawyer yet. He has taken her off all of his business accounts (he is self employed), personal accounts, and their DS7's bank account. Right after Christmas he will have her sign the agreement and file it.

OW does not seem very committed to my WH. She seems to be enjoying riding the fence, her H being kind to her and my WH doing whatever he does for her. I drive by their house often as it is on my way to pick up DDs after school. Often WH is not there and OW is. When he talks to DDs he says he is working late or at a buddy's house helping him out (excuses to me during the whole A also, is he telling OW the same thing? ). You can see right through their picture window, especially since it gets dark so early and she has the lights on. It feels like a physical kick every time I go by there and she happens to be walking in front of the window. But it's like a car accident, I can't help but look even if I don't want to.

OW and WH never even got a Christmas tree this year. And DS7 lives there! Pretty typical of WH though. In our phone conversation about Christmas scheduling, I had made a comment about him having to do his own shopping (which I had always done) and he said "well, you know I've never been big on holidays and this one I'm even worse" What happened to being so in love? Soul mates, etc? OW went to her sister's house as they do every year, WH was not welcome (Thanksgiving did not go well when OW took WH to sisters). So where was WH? Hmmmm.... Actually, I know what he was doing for part of the day....talking on the phone to my brother who was at MY house. Getting his "family fix" that way, I guess. What must that have felt like? To hear all the laughter and talking going on in the background and not be included?

A couple of weeks ago at DD12's basketball game, WH asked me if I would get a copy of our last 2 years tax returns to him. I said I would look and see if I could find them. --I know exactly where they are (I actually had them in my truck with me as I needed them for my lawyer). He asked again a few days later and I told him I hadn't had time to look for them. Then he asked me again a week later and I pretty much laid it out to him that I would not be helping him in any way to make the D easier for him to do. There are other places he could get the information he needed. There was a long pause and he said he understood. Then another long pause.......and he asked.....where can I get the information. I just kind of laughed and made comment about still getting information from me when I didn't want to help him out. Then I told him to talk to his HR director and they could get his W2's. I just can't help it! It is not in my nature to withhold things I know that would help him out! I wish I could but I don't like to be unfriendly especially when he is being nice. But I imagine he is only being nice to get what he wants from me and to be "friends". I am confused sometimes about what is the appropriate way to react to him. Being my normal helpful self vs enabling the affair and destruction of my marriage. Anyway, I don't imagine he even has to have them because they were turned in to my lawyer so the court will have a record of them.

I believe the lovebusting between OW and WH has begun or will begin shortly. WH asked to have DDs over for dinner one night (the first time they have even been to his house since he moved out). I asked if "Mike's wife" was going to be there. He said no and proceeded to tell me what her plans were for that night! I cut him off and told him I didn't need her itinerary, just knowledge that she would not be there for dinner with DDs. They still have not met her and I'm working that angle as long as I can. I called OW H to find out OW plans for that night. Their DS7 had a Christmas play that would get over about 7:30. She asked her H if she could go to his house to wait for it to begin, he didn't make it easy on her and asked why she didn't just go back to her house. She made some lame excuse that she didn't want to drive all the way home and then come back for the play. They were less than a mile from her house, but OW H was pushing her because he knew my DDs were at WH/OW house. She got irritated with him and then he decided to let it go and let her stay at his house until the play started. He was not going to be there as he already had plans. When their DS7 play got over, OW called WH and asked if she could come home yet. He said DDs were still there but would be leaving soon. She waited about 10 minutes and then called him back. WH said DDs were still there but they could leave if she wanted them to. She must have said yes, because he brought them home. DDs heard all of this conversation between the two of them. What must they think of her? What must they think of WH for basically letting her kick them out? I followed OW home to make sure that DDs and OW did not cross paths. I was having dinner at the place she stopped to call WH and wait to go home. All by chance since I didn't know she would be pulling into that particular parking lot to wait until she could go home. hehehehehe Perfect opportunity to follow her and make sure she stayed away from DDs and their was no "accidental" meeting. Makes me wonder what WH thinks of OW. If I was her, I would have gone shopping or something to give WH as much time with DDs as he could have since he has not spent any time with them since the end of November. Are those cracks I see in their "relationship"? And does it really matter anymore?

I feel pretty strongly that D is going to have to happen. Even if WH changes his mind, I may finish it. I like who I have become and have been able to see how H treated me in the marriage that was not always good for me. He was always pretty inconsiderate and selfish. Which reminds me, DD13 had made a gift at school for WH and gave it to him while they were opening their presents with him. He didn't even open it. I know it hurt DD13's feelings but she didn't say anything. This pretty typical of H also. He doesn't like to open gifts in front of anyone. But she isn't just "anyone".

That's my update for now. There is more but will have to wait for another day. I hope everyone had happy holidays. Now we don't have to do it for another year, maybe it won't hurt quite so much then. It was easier than I thought it was going to be but still hard sometimes too. DDs had a great time and seemed to handle everything as well as could be expected.

Thank you all again for your support, opinions, and suggestions, it is greatly appreciated.

Sometimes I just sit and think "I don't know how to do this". Then I come here and know that I can do it, others have, and I am not alone.

Oh, yeah. When I talked to OW H, I voiced some concern on whether or not WH and OW may stage an "accidental" meeting with my DDs. He said that he doubted she was looking to meet them at all. She is not friendly with kids or motherly in anyway. Even with her own son. OW H has kids from a previous relationship and OW never once let them stay the night. She told her H that "they had rooms at their mother's house and that is where they can stay". Real nice isn't she? Makes me wonder why he allowed that to happen, but I have my own worries without analyzing someone else's relationship!

Thank you for responding. I feel like I am doing well, most days anyway.

I am basically in Plan A still. WH is still living with OW and her DS7. I want to go to Plan B but do not have visitation issues straightened out. I do not want to push this as it will push OW into DDs lives more. By staying in limbo, I am protecting my DDs from contact with OW. If I can hold off long enough, maybe she won't be an issue for them. I would really like to go to Plan B as it seems much safer for me. Every time I see or hear WH, it hurts again. The final date for D is January 31, 2007. I will go immediately into Plan B as custody will be determined by then. I have lost so much respect for WH and really don't see him making ANY effort to recover the M once the A is over.

There have been a few things between OW and WH that I have found out that are kind of interesting. Things I KNOW would bother WH if I had done them.

I have a story about his dog that is kind of funny....have to update on that later. Gotta work.

Hi again Fox, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Since Plan B is right around the corner (late-Jan awaiting final visitation/D), how do you feel about your Plan A?

Do you feel semi-confident you've laid the ground work where your husband can find his way home to a safe loving place once the affair ends?

Also, do you have your Plan B letter crafted and ready to go?

Jo

Hi, Jo

I feel very confident about my Plan A up until today. I bought HN/HN in late June before I knew of the A. I REALLY did a GREAT Plan A until beginning of August when I found out he was seeing someone. Then I absolutely fell apart. I have to admit I was pretty pathetic, crying constantly, continually asking to talk and figure things out between us. I went on ADs the day after D-day but they took a while to take affect. WH moved out in late August and I had more difficulty doing a decent Plan A but did the best I could considering the circumstances and the limited opportunity I had to see him. I was ALWAYS looking good, smelling good, and had a happy attitude.

WH paid "CS" for September and October and has given me nothing since, and has not paid any of the household bills. I was holding on pretty good for a while but this month didn't have enough money to cover everything. I had to call the bank and discuss options regarding my truck payment for this month. They agreed to tack December and January's payments onto the end of the loan. Since WH is still on the loan, he would have to sign the modification papers. I didn't think this would be a problem and told the loan officer that I would call WH and have him call them to set up a time to sign the papers. I called WH (which I HATE to do...I don't call him for ANYTHING) and he said he would have to talk to his lawyer. Just the tone and the attitude ticked me off! I said that was fine but he better "check with his lawyer" PDQ as it had to be done by the end of the month so we didn't incur any late charges and it wouldn't go on OUR credit reports. He was just a jerk about it.....he hasn't paid one dime towards that truck or his own insurance on his truck since August. Here I am again trying to balance everything and get things taken care of and he's off doing whatever the heck he wants to.

Then he had the guts to ask if he could have DDs for an overnight stay in two weeks. He's lucky I'm not using DDs against him....that was a really horrible time to ask. But all I did was ask if "Mike's wife" was going to be there. He said no she wasn't and I said that was fine they could stay with him.

I called the loan officer back (who knows the situation, she worked with OW and WH mother when each of them worked at the bank at different times) and told her what he said. She kind of went off a little bit about how stupid he would be for not doing the modification so I offered her WH numbers. She is calling him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> She is someone who says what she thinks. She told me she was going to tell him "how this cow cracks". Whatever the heck that means!

After I had hung up with WH the first time, I thought about things for a minute (should have thought longer) and then called him back. He didn't answer so I left a message on his voicemail at work. Basically told him what a stupid A$$ he was and how frgn stupid he would be for not signing the modified loan papers and that it was to his advantage as well as mine. He was acting like I was out to screw him financially (certainly not the OTHER way!). Then I said "fight me, I dare you" Then I told him to have a nice f'n day.

I'm sick too so my voice is all cracky and I was using a pretty mean tone. I don't think he has ever heard that tone before and I have NEVER sworn at him or called him names before either. I don't think that is the way you should treat someone you love.

Can you tell that money really stresses me out!? It especailly bugs me because he bought DDs some pretty expensive Christmas presents but didn't bother to give me any money to support them.

I think I forgot your questions......oh yeah, Plan A. Not so good today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Forgive yourself and dust yourself off and back into Plan A, Fox.

I don't know any BS here that hasn't love busted at least once during Plan A. As hard as you thought Plan A was gonna be, you wished it was that easy.

I'm wondering why most of this financial stuff hasn't been legally decided by the courts (or mediator) yet? Or is it your WH is simply ignoring his legal obligations. Have you taken any legal action to protect yourself and children financially hon?

Jo

My Plan B letter is on my other thread...I will hunt it up and post it here.

The finances and custody have not been determined yet as I am stretching the D out as long as I possibly can. Yes, WH is completely ignoring his legal obligations. My attorney said I could get an emergency injunction right away to force WH to assist with financial obligations. However, an interim custody plan would also be worked out at that time. I opted to not do the injunction to hold off on the custody decision. Right now custody is in my favor. I have some say about when they go with WH and can keep them away from OW. Once a "plan" is legally in place, I lose that control.

Thank you so much for your support. It helped me tremendously to vent at him today. Over and done with and now back to Plan A. It's also does me good to see and hear about some of the things OW as done and that things aren't perfect in their world.

After talking to WH, I called OW H and asked if he knew what OW plans were for the night my DDs will be at WH house. He said he didn't know but would find out.

So until those financially legal determination have been set, you should prepare yourself for more possible missed obligations by your husband. Meaning, no love busting when it happens again. Try not to voice your anger, even though its perfectly warranted.

And please don't get me wrong here, I don't blame you for your anger when he is remiss in meeting his obligations to his children yet can find the funds for expensive gifts, its def NOT okay. Moreover its dead wrong and irresponsible.

Thank God you have a level head and are seeing to it that he's not going to drag you and your children under with him.

Jo

Here is my Plan B letter:

Dear WS,

I regret that we find ourselves in the situation we’re in. I never imagined this would happen to us.

I know that you’ve been unhappy for a while, for many reasons, some of which you may not be sure of. I’m aware that my behavior in the past contributed in part to your unhappiness and the emotional estrangement between us. I’ve worked very hard these past couple of months to make myself a better wife, mother, and person. The changes I’ve made have improved my relationships with many of the people in my life, especially DD13 and DD12. We’re closer now than ever. People can change if they are willing to take a long, hard look in the mirror and hold themselves accountable for who they are and what they have done. I did that and I’m proud of the person I have become.

I still believe we can have a happy, loving, fulfilling marriage. I believe we can learn from our mistakes, grow from them and with effort and desire we can begin to slowly rebuild the love that was the foundation of our marriage and start to become a family again, for our sake and our daughters’. I believe we can have a marriage based on trust and honesty where we both feel safe sharing our innermost thoughts, feelings, fears and dreams. The kind of marriage we both imagined when we said “I do”. I’m not naïve, I know there’s been a lot of damage done. It won’t be easy but it can be done. I’ve had the good fortune in the last couple of months to meet many people who have been able to do it.

I’ve suffered tremendous pain from seeing our marriage fall apart, learning about your relationship with OW and dealing with impending divorce, but I never stopped loving you and I never forgot what a wonderful person you are and how much joy you brought me. That gave me strength and hope to go on. But the pain has become too much to bear.

I do not want this divorce. I want to be your wife, in every sense of the word. I want to hold you, talk with you, laugh and cry with you, comfort you, share the joy of raising a family with you. As much as I want this, you have made it clear that you don’t, and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life except as the mother of your daughters, it is simply too painful. Therefore, I must ask you not to contact me except for emergencies regarding DD13 and DD12. This is something I believe is necessary to preserve and protect the love I still have for you before it slips away. If you want to see them, call them and ask them. I will let them know if we have other plans and they can let you know. I will not encourage or discourage them in spending time with you or talking with you. Your relationship with them is what you are making it, it is your responsibility.

As always, I will continue to be the best mother I can be and do whatever is necessary to insure our daughters’ happiness and make their lives as fulfilling as possible.

If, down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to give our marriage a chance, I am open to discussing it with you and working out a plan to restore our marriage and make it what we only dreamed it could be, but I will need to know you are committed to our marriage and assurance that OW is no longer a part of your life. I still love you, and as I said before, I believe in our marriage and I am willing to do whatever is necessary, but until that time, please respect my wishes.

All my love,

BS

Too long, and it doesn't clearly spell out your REQUIREMENTS to end plan B and allow him back into your life.

"Please realize that until you have completely removed OW from your life, are willing to go to marriage/individual counseling with me to work on our marriage, and to take whatever actions are needed to help us both recover from this and work on things, I can no longer permit you to be a part of my life. No marriage, no friendship, nothing except the minimal contact between us needed to take care of our children. Any communication needed to allow us to take care of them needs to go through xxx (you pick someone). Other than that, there is nothing further for you and I to discuss until you've taken these steps to repair our relationship."

Kinda along those lines.

Thank you, Owl. I will revise and repost.

I just got off the phone with the loan officer. She talked to WH and he gave her some song and dance about BS' truck and BS' loan...she cut him short and told him it was his responsibility also and he didn't get to pick and choose what he was responsbile for. He signed the loan papers too. He is supposed to call her back today and let her know whether he will sign the modification or not. In a way, I hope he doesn't. A judge will NOT like this!

WH bought DD12 a 4 wheeler for Christmas. She got to ride it on Christmas eve day for an hour and has not seen it since. WH took it back to his house where DD12 has only been once for dinner. I found out today that OW DS7 rode it before Christmas and has ridden it often since. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I will not being sharing that information with DD12 as it would really hurt her feelings. But DARN it BURNS me! It was bad enough he gave her a present she has been wanting for a very long time and then took it away from her, he is letting someone connected to the ENEMY enjoy it! What happens when/if DD12 and OW DS7 finally meet and he tells her how much he has ridden her 4 wheeler? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

OW and WH don't know it, but I've met her DS7. I went to OW H to exchange information and he was there. Really cute kid. I feel bad for him. One day he was trying to explain who WH was to OW H sister when she went to OW/WH house to pick him up for a visit. He said "he's mom's ex-husband". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Maybe he can see into the future? Just shows his confusion in what is going on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm actually doing well emotionally today. It is so much easier to be angry than it is to be hurt!

WH called me this morning crying and upset. Wants to be in DDs lives and is missing them, etc. Feels like I am not letting him see them. I asked him when I refused to let them see him when he asked for them. No answer....because I've never refused to let them see him. He has chosen not to ask for them. He was bothered that when I go out of town etc that I do not call him to take DDs, I take them to my mothers without even giving him the option. I told him that I don't trust him to keep DDs out of his situation. He snuck around behind my back before, how do I know he wouldn't pull another fast one? He said he would make other arrangements so they weren't at the house with her. I suggested maybe she stay with her own husband. Lots of things said, lots of emotion, etc. At one point when he said "I just wanted to tell you what I am feeling today", I said "why don't you tell Mike's wife" to which he said "I did". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Then why is he calling me?!

He now wants to meet to come to a schedule, which I have been asking for and he hasn't followed through with. We aren't meeting until next weekend (Jan 6 or 7). I don't really know if I should or not. I'm tempted to just let the lawyers do it, safer on my heart that way. But I would like to know what he wants.

OW H called to say OW was in an uproar today too when she dropped DS 7 off at OW H house.

Maybe things are not so perfect anymore? He isn't saying anything directly about me, only about missing the kids. I'm still nobody to him.

As a kid we would occasionally visit my cousin's dairy farms in St. Albert, Canada. "How this cow cracks" was a reference to a vertical split or crack in the cow's claw wall that caused extreme pain and lots of trouble. Funny--I haven't heard that expression before or since.

You're still in Plan A, no Fox?

The reason I ask is I believe your husband was reaching out to "YOU" (bold above). He already told OW who didn't meet his need for understanding what he felt, and so he reached out to you to fill it.

And because he was reaching out to you I have an inkling things are crappy in affair-ville.

Jo

Fox,

Here's a link to LilSis's Thread where she is in a similar sitch as yours. Maybe give it a read:

Lil Sis's Thread - CLICK HERE

Thanks pieta! It makes much more sense now. Funny how those expressions get started and how long they can hang on.

Resilient,

In regards to him reaching out to me for understanding, do I give it to him? This month we will start negotiations for the divorce. Is he just softening me up so I am "fair" with the negotiations. I really don't thinks so....he was so upset on Friday. He's called me every day since also. They seem like nonsense calls...no real direction although he does have some lame excuse for the call.

I don't know which way to go with this. I don't think I want him back at all so should I even be worrying about his reasons for calling. I want to talk to him partly just for curiosity's sake....but it's better if I keep my distance because I hate to see him this broken.

When he called yesterday part of our conversation was:

WH: Are you doing okay?
BS: I'm doing what I have to do. I'm doing pretty well.
WH: Good
BS: Are you doing okay? You've sounded pretty upset lately.
WH: You know how I can get...I'm just really down right now.
BS: Are you worried about work? The girls said you had been working pretty hard lately.
WH: I'm getting my a$$ chewed left and right at work....and I'm worried about us, and I'm worried about the kids. I'm just really down right now.
BS: If you need to talk, I'm here.
WH: I know you are.

I was understanding and didn't make any comment on the "us" part. As far as I'm concerned, there is no "us". But it is nice to know that he is thinking of someone other than himself. The kids too.... all of it has been just about him and his feelings "today". This is the first time since the beginning of all of this that he has asked how I am doing.

OW H asked their son how much WH was there. OW DS7 said not very much. He was always at work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Glad to hear not all that much has changed!

We're supposed to get together this coming Saturday to discuss visitation schedule for DDs. Hopefully it will actually get done this time...I've tried to do this before and he would say he was willing but would never follow through. Since they can't meet OW, it limits his schedule. I did tell him that it didn't have to. He could get his own place and this wouldn't be nearly as difficult. He didn't answer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What do I do from here? continue to be still? He's seen me having a good time and living my life as it is now, but he's also seen me crying and upset.

Any suggestions on things to bring up in our talk this weekend? Should I discuss anything but the schedule for the kids? Should I take this opportunity to point out how much this has hurt me or do I stay away from relationship talk. I really don't know what direction I want to go. I just don't see reconciliation happening and I don't know that I want it to.

Please offer suggestions. And thanks, Resilient, I will check that other thread.

WH called again yesterday morning "to check on DDs". He gave them cell phones, he should be asking them himself. Still very broken up. He offered to fix some things around the house. I told him I was here if he needed to talk. He said I know you are. Then he said he was there if I needed to talk, too. Anytime. Is concerned that we won't be able to be friends after this. I told him I probably couldn't be. That it is safer for my own well being to keep my distance because I continue to be hurt by his choices.

He asked what my plans were for today. I told him what my plan was, which included swimming with DDs and my older sister and her kids. He said he might drop by to see the girls. I said that was fine. When he got there, my older sister and I were in the hot tub. Instead of going over to the kids in the pool, he came to the hot tub and sat by the side and talked to me.

When it was time to go, I headed into the changing area and my sister stayed by the pool a little longer. As she walked by WH, he grabbed her arm and pulled her into a hug and held onto her for a couple of extra seconds. When he let go her told her to make sure that she took care of me (with tears in his eyes). She said she would and that he needs to take care of himself too. That DDs were the most important thing in this and he needed to be healthy and well to help take care of them. He started really crying and than she did too. He was waiting when we got out to get in cars and he told DDs goodbye. I stayed at my sister's truck and didn't say much to him at all.

I don't know what to do at this point. Help him or let him figure it out on his own?

The following is an email I received from WH today after I had sent him pics of DDs and I:

Thank you for the pics. I am sorry that I've hurt you. I will always keep the girls and the good times we shared close to my heart. I also want to thank you for being truthful about what's going on in your and the girl's life and the way you are feeling. I know in our lives we both don't have anyone that we can tell how we are feeling and understand it. I hope that we can still be able to talk about the girls and their lives as while as ours to each other. I do place a lot of the blame on myself. Thing have been said to each other that we swore we would never do and did. I hope from this point on in our lives we can be honest with each other and do all the thing right for the kids in the future. I hope I don't lose a friend that I once had. I wish only good thing for you. Let me know what time we are going to have our meeting on Saturday.


My response to him:

I hope the pictures help you little bit. The three of us will always love you. We know what a good man you are......you've just made a very big mistake that we have all been hurt by. Everyone makes mistakes, it's admitting that you have done so and how you correct them that counts. None of us is perfect. I hope you learn as much from this as I have.

I struggle with how to respond to you.......should I help you when I see you in pain or do I leave you alone to work through it on your own? I just don't know. I hate to see you hurt like this, but right now you are going through only a fraction of what I have gone through for months. You had someone, I was alone. You chose this, I did not. It seems my mind and heart are always fighting with each other. My head tells me to leave you alone, that this is what you wanted and I can't save you from it as much as I may want to. My heart still wants to go to you and comfort you and help you through the pain. I hurt when you hurt. Believe it or not, I do understand what you are going through. It is different than mine was, but I still understand you. I've put myself in your shoes and tried to look at it from your point of view. I didn't like it there, so I didn't stay long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm sorry you are hurting, I hope you can find your way out of it. I know you can, you just have to want to and take some sort of action to do it. You can't escape from yourself, so make choices you can live with. I believe in you, you can find a way.

But the bottom line is you still live with her and are planning to take our girls into that environment. I just can't see past that right now, I have to protect them from that. I don't see us being able to be friends. I am/was your wife and that is what I wanted to be and no friend would treat me like you have. You wanted out and you got out in the worst possible way. I have always been honest with you and will continue to do so and work with you about the girls, but as long as you are with her, I cannot have any relationship with you, friends or otherwise. You say you don't want to lose a friend that you once had, but you lost me when you chose her. I'm not angry with you right now, just confused, hurt, and lost. I've worked my way through most of the anger and frustration and really most of the other feelings too, but I still have moments. I'm not necessarily gone from your life forever yet but you are continuing to put her above the girls and I. I will not accept being put last anymore. It still hurts because as much as I try not to, I still love you and I still don't understand what really happened to us and how this could have happened. I don't know how to get past that either, but I'm working on it. I'm moving forward and making the best decisions for the girls and I that I can.

There are ways out of this, but you have to find that path for yourself. Don't beat yourself up over what has already happened, move forward and make the right decisions for you and the girls from this day forward. Today is another chance to make it right for you and for them. I truly want you to be happy and I hope you can be again.

Let's meet at 9 on Saturday. You choose the place.



Any thoughts from anyone?