If you are ready for Plan B (financially, Plan A good, etc.), then tomorrow may be a good time to start, handing him the letter prior to leaving. Make sure that you either have an intermediary (I had one, but it sort of fizzled out), or be sure that your WH has it crystal clear how to contact you.

I know of one poster (lunamare) who has her WH leave messages on her answering machine, but I prefer either text or email, so that I do not have to hear WH's voice, as Plan B does involve a period of 'withdrawal' for YOU from WH, and hearing his voice would have been difficult for me--still is...

Please let us know what you chose...

My gut tells me to wait on Plan B until the D is final. Although it seems a bit manipulative, right now, while he is down I may be able to get the best "deal" from him for DDs and I.

By waiting for Plan B until after the D, it will not save the marriage. But will help me in the long run. By doing it now, I'm afraid I will give his lawyer something to use against me. And nothing will be signed after tomorrow, just a mutual verbal agreement. As he has shown before, his actions don't back up his words. I may need to give him the opportunity to adhere to the schedule before I do Plan B. I don't think he will take it as it is intended, he will see it as me being difficult. At that point, he may start to fight over petty things.

I will stick with it for a few more weeks. I just feel a certain desperation to get away from him for my own mental health. I'm having difficulty not letting his actions/feelings/words effect me. How do you make the decision to not let them effect me and then make it happen?

Eye opening and exhausting 4 1/2 hour talk on Saturday. Will update shortly.

Don't leave me hanging.......

Continuation on final court date........how's that for a cliff hanger?

Won't be able to do full update til this afternoon. Have to do SOME work around the office!

Okay, I think I have a few free moments and I'll try to get this all out.

First surprising item: WH was on time. I pulled up at exactly 9:00am and he was already there. There has always been a running joke that he would be late to his own funeral. It always felt to me when he was late that whatever the appointment was for was not important enough to him to get there on time. So this was a plus in seeing his changed ACTIONS.

Second surprising item: WH had PAGES of his thoughts on what to do with DDs as far as custody and visitation are concerned. He actually had a notebook and a folder all prepared with his plan. Amazing....this is a man who always depended on me to do all the research and make a plan and than he would follow along. I think this gave him an out if things didn't go well and he could blame the "plan" on me. Another changed ACTION.

We went through all the custody/visitation information together and came to an agreement. There were a few sticking points along the way but we got through them ok. The first sticking point was that I viewed his plan as a long term plan that would work in the future but not an immediate workable plan for the kids. Mainly because it included continous overnight visits at OW/WH house. No go right now. To which he says he understands. We completed the long term plan and will talk again on Tuesday about the interim plan. He seems to be truly LISTENING and TALKING with FEELINGS about others than himself.

That was the first 1/2 hour of the conversation. Then he turned it to "us". He feels as though I have died, that it is even worse than when his dad died because I am still here. He doesn't want to lose me. He has gone back over every day of our marriage and misses things and wonders what he could have done. Says he has second thoughts contantly. Then he said something about us working it out and then quickly backtracked by saying "I'm not saying that is what I want. I know that just isn't possible, you could never trust me again." etc. I told him that anything is possible of both people commit and do the required work, but I also followed up by saying I wasn't sure that is what I wanted either. He told me how hurt he is and how hard it is to hear that I am moving forward with my life. He is worried about how I am doing and thinks I just say I am okay because I don't want him to know how I really am. He says he has searched and searched and searched to find just one thing about me that would be bad enough to make him not hurt for doing this and he can't find it.

But then in the next breath he is telling me he doesn't want to hurt her and make her think that he is running to me.

He cried and cried and cried. I reached over at one point (crying myself) and took his hand for a moment. I squeezed it and then tried to draw back. He wouldn't let it go right away but then finally squeezed back and let go.

He said he was afraid of the day that I find someone and how much it will hurt him to be replaced in my heart. He says he goes to bed each night wishing he wouldn't wake up the next morning. He's afraid that when he dies no one will remember him. Absolutely heartbreaking how he presented this.

Thanked me profusely for meeting with him and being honest. I've spoken to him multiple times since Saturday and each time he has thanked me.

After one comment he made about how much he missed me and didn't want to lose me, I said that he can't have us both. He said, I know. Maybe I just do want my cake and to eat it too. I'm surprised he sees that. I made it crystal clear that I would not be able to continue to see him and talk to him so deeply after things were settled. That it was safer for my own heart and best for my own healing to not have any relationship with him at all. He cried but said he understood.

I'm really confused by all the back and forth. First he was talking about us and how much he missed me and had so many regrets about this but then talking again about her and not wanting to hurt her and still making plans to take our kids there.

I don't know what this is all supposed to mean. He said I have my own email file at his office and he has them as far back as 2004. He has read through every single one of them and especially my recent ones trying to get the "meaning" of everything.

I told him how difficult it was for me to sit with him and make him feel better knowing that he was just going back to her. He said he understood and deeply appreciated that I would do that. I talked a little about the war between my head and my heart and what one wants versus what the other thinks is best to protect me from more hurt. Later on in the conversation, he used the same analogy for his own situation. He is in a constant internal war. And he says he is absolutely exhausted. He says he is the lowest he has ever been. Then follows up with how I understand him and know what is truly in his heart. That even when he says and does things, alot of it is not truly what he feels, it is just lashing back.

So do I really know? If so, here is what I would say is in his heart. He loves me and wants me back but doesn't know how to get there. He's pulled between the two of us, even though he knows I am truly the one he should be with. I think he doesn't see how I would ever forgive him or how this would not be a forever problem between the two of us. Becuase he is still with her, I don't know how to give him that out. And I don't know if he truly wants it. He sounded like it, his demeanor and body language tells me that he does. But he is still with her and wasn't saying he wanted out.

I told him he wasn't good for any relationship right now. He needed to get a grip on himself and get out of this depression before he made any drastic decisions.

He really seemed to be LISTENING. It is so good to be HEARD. But what did it MEAN? Not much that I can see, he went home to her and today is the same it has been for months.

I tried to get up and leave a couple of times and he would pull me back into the conversation. The fourth time, I said I really had to get back to DDs. And he looked straight at me and said "it is so hard to watch you leave" He walked me out to the truck and made a little small talk, then rubbed my arm and told me to take care of myself.... and thank you again for coming today.

My lawyer called today and he has a dr appt out of state on my court date. He had already talked to WH lawyer to get a continuance but he, of course, had to talk to WH first. In the meantime, DD12 has a ski trip that she asked WH to attend. Which he never done before. He wants to go, but is on the same day as our final divorce date. He, too, is willing to continue. I don't know yet what the new date is. Again he is showing with his ACTIONS that he is putting DDs first. He could have been a stickler on this. He has never been on this ski trip that the school has every year. This year, he is putting work aside and making the EFFORT. Big accomplishment, I think. I'll have to wait and see if it continues.

Then I talked to OW H. She called him today and raised he$$ and was ornery and snotty with him over things. He asked he if she wanted to continue with the LSA or what she wanted to do now. Which was her opportunity to say "no, i want divorce" but she didn't. She said "yeah, I guess, whatever you want to do". WH is unaware that I have spoken with OW H, but OW knows. That is why she called him to yell at him. Why is she keeping this secret from WH? Tomorrow when we talk, I am going to tell him. My thought is she is going to hold on to it until she can use it against me. But I may just turn that around. I will tell WH that she knows and I thought she told him?

OW H asked OW if she still loved WH. She said "Yeah, why wouldn't I". They seems to be at different spots in their relationship. Maybe she doesn't know what WH is going through. He did tell me through the conversation that he kept it separate. His heartache and pain are between him and I and he doesn't involve her. That just seems odd to me, you'd think they would share everything if they were so in love.

Should I be still or should I give WH an out and let him know that recovery is a possibility. I wonder if that isn't just setting myself up for more pain when he rejects me. What do I do now?

can you scrape enough money together for a call to the Harleys?

This is one of the advantages to a Plan B letter - it spells out the "path home". That way you could refer him to the letter.......but I am not sure if this is a good time to throw a Plan B letter at him.

He is clearly struggling And this is the time when you get to watch the A fall apart, and decide for yourself what is best for you.

This is a very difficult time for you.

Hopefully someone else will chime in here.
I am really wondering about a Plan B letter - giving him the path home

i realy would call one of the harley's right now....this seems to be a time that you rally need a plan and solid advice from them....can you get the money together?

it's $185 for 45 minutes but jennifer at least didn't stick to the time limit and i believe i've read posts that say steve doesn't either

ps
i would give anything to hear from my H the things that yours said to you....it means there is still a good chace in my opinion

Thank you, eav, for your response. Unfortunately, I can't scrape enough money together to call the Harley's. I spoke with Jennifer in September but much has changed since then. Actually, maybe I can. This is so important, that maybe I just HAVE to find a way. It wouldn't be until next week......

It does seem like there is a chance to me too.....but then he goes back home to her. It's so confusing. But you're right, it's helps me just to know that I have been a thought in his head and it seems I am a constant thought. I've felt like absolutely nothing to him since he decided to get out. That is what is so painful....that he seemed to find the switch that erased every single feeling and thought of me. I'm glad to know he didn't.

The other part that scares me is if he does decide he wants to come back....do I want him to? My heart says ABSOLUTELY but my head tells me to be careful and not to let him set me up to be hurt again.

We are getting together again tonight for dinner to figure out an interim plan for visitation/custody. I am going to take this opportunity to tell WH that I have spoken often with OW H and voice my worries of how she was with her BH's sons from a previous marriage. She didn't want them around and would not allow them in her house. They were about our daughters ages. She told her BH that "they have rooms at their mother's, they can stay there". I can't imagine my WH with someone like her. What does he get from her?

I've gone back and forth on whether I should do Plan B right now. On one hand I think I should but on the other, with the D so close, I don't want to make the judge think that I am uncooperative.

I may also talk to WH more about recovery....not to educate but to share that it could be a possibility.

womanoffaith,

What about a letter pointing the way home, without actually being a Plan B letter? I think he may be ready for it, but doesn't know how to get there and can't imagine that I would forgive him and trust him again.

Well, things have changed already. WH talked to his lawyer this morning and his lawyer talked him into not continuing. Supposedly his lawyer doesn't have any other time on his own docket to continue this case. I'm positive that WH would have allowed the date to be continued but his lawyer convinced him not to.

I asked WH point blank if he felt this absolutely had to happen and there would never be a chance for us ever. He very quietly said 'yes, I think so'. Think so? That was not very convincing and I told him so. Gently, of course. He said he feels like he just needs to get it done and then it would be okay. I told him it wouldn't, in the end all we are doing is signing a piece of paper. People, feelings, emotions, history, etc is still involved.

He said he fell asleep last night and didn't wake up until this morning so didn't get the interim plan drawn up like he wanted. Still wants to meet but he won't be as prepared as he was planning on being. That's ok, it'll give us a little more time alone together. Even after all that sleep, he is saying "I'm just so tired today, BS"

If I am able to come up with the money to call Jennifer.... would this be a good time to ask WH if he would join me for this call or talk to Jennifer seperately? I really don't feel that he wants a D, but doesn't see any other way either.

Or do I just let it go? He isn't saying he doesn't want D maybe he does and is blaming it all on his lawyer for not moving the date.

The following is an email that I would like to send to WH today. Please give me your thoughts, suggestions, etc.

Felt this song fit us today. No hidden meaning....it just is what it is. I want you to know how important our family is to me and that I just want us all of to find happiness. I also want you to recognize the possibilities for our lives. I believe we can still all find happiness together as a united family. I was just about to say that I know you don't see that but decided to take it back because I don't know what you see or what you hope or what you have just resigned yourself to or how stuck you may feel. I'm going to let your thoughts be yours and not guess at what you may be thinking. But I'm also going to be honest about what I am thinking and give that to you. Even though I am setting myself up for more hurt. I want you to know that recovering our marriage and family is a possibility. There would be a lot of work to do and we'd have to find a way together to get past all this and to build a better marriage for both of us. Things would definately have to be different than what they were, but I think they could be better. I think you would be surprised at my capacity to forgive and change for the better and I've already seen your willingness to improve on the behalf of at least DDs. I know this mess isn't the true YOU and what you believe in. There are many people who have survived an affair and thrived after it. Just think.....if BIL & SIL can do it, don't you think we can?

I'm not begging you to come back, I'm just telling you that I wouldn't reject the idea completely.

Fox,

First of all I want you to know what an inspiration your story has been to me. Yours was the very first I read when I came to MB and I have followed your stitch ever since. I am glad to see you started writing again as I often wondered what ever happened to you.

IMO, your focus has always been on your DDs and in knowing what you had to do maintain your health (mentally and physically) to remain strong for them. (You have done a great job with this and I commend you) It seems to me you have come to a resting place where you know if you never get back with WH, you have chosen your life path and will survive and be happy regardless of him. That is clear to me. DO NOT let him shake that ground for you.

The part that is not clear, and my question to you is…if your WH wanted to come home and start over would you want that too? From what I read it sounds like you might be willing to give him another chance.

WH sounds extremely confused, mainly when he says he does not want to hurt OW. IMO, he has no obligation to her, however he does have an obligation to his family. Yes, you and girls are still his family. (For now anyway) Has he lost his way so much that he can’t recognize this? Is he seeing an IC? He can’t handle this alone. Have you two had any MC at all? Have you articulated to the judge that you DO NOT want a D? I know in my state a strong expression of this could mean a continuance in the case, especially where there are kids involved. By expressing this you could possibly prolong the date and force him into MC.

I think he is terrified and afraid that you will reject the idea of working toward reconciliation more than he is afraid to hurt OW. I bet when it comes right down to it, he would walk away from her with out hesitation if he knew he had you and the girls to work toward. If he is not willing to discuss or doesn’t know what he wants, then I would truly consider a very, very dark Plan B.

My heart is with you and your family,

MyBad

BS 42 (Me)
FWH 38
2 StepDs 17, 15
DS 9
DD 7

D-Day 3/20/06
In Recovery

MyBad, thank you for your thoughts. It is greatly appreciated. Sometimes I feel alone out here, I get responses but don't feel that my life is "juicy" enough to get the same dialog going as others do. Thank you for your kind words, I've tried very hard to do what I've needed to so that the hurt was lessened for my DDs. Although I couldn't keep them completely out of this, I could minimize the pain and not add my own to it. I know I've stumbled along the way, but I've realized I'm human and it's ok to make mistakes too.

I haven't written much in the last few months because things were just status quo, he wasn't speaking to me at all, wasn't seeing the kids very much and just seemed to have cut me out of his life. Now, it seems, he's letting me see what he is going through and I have something to report and ask advice on. I have been here, throughout these months, but just reading, gaining strength and wisdom from others.

I had come to the realization that I will survive and could be happy even if WH did not return. I still believe that to a certain degree. It is just so difficult to watch him in so much pain and anguish and not rush to him and get him through it. His pain causes more pain for me. Mainly because I know it just isn't necessary but that he is choosing it. I did let him shake me up again. I love how you said that I had come to a resting place, that is EXACTLY how I felt. Just resting..... no more panic, or fear, or desperation, or self-doubt, etc. I KNEW/KNOW that it can be done. It's just really hard to not get pulled back in.

Your question is very valid. "If your WH wanted to come home and start over would you want that too?" It's probably not clear to you because it isn't really clear to me. I really want to say yes, I want that chance. And I think I really do, I'm just really afraid of a false recovery. That would really devestate me and only cause more pain for DDs. Without that crystal ball to see into the future, I just don't know. My heart screams yes, give him the chance but my head holds me back.

I have tried to get a continuance and drag this out as long as possible. If one person wants it, it happens. It doesn't matter that the other one doesn't....but I'm going to talk to my lawyer about it and see what he thinks. Maybe if the judge sees the indecision of WH and takes DDs into consideration....maybe.

But I go back and forth also about what is right as far as that is concerned. If it is going to happen, I just need to get it over with so I can go on with my life. If it is going to happen anyway, I get hurt by waiting. And WH is just the same.

To answer your question...... I think the answer is yes. If I saw his ACTIONS and if he was willing to make some changes and show me the effort than yes, I would want that chance. It is what is best for all of us to be together as long as the commitment was there. I'm just afraid that it won't be. It would absolutely be for me but what about him?

He is not seeing an IC. Doesn't believe in them and doesn't think it would help. That will be one thing that I ask for....he needs a release of some sort. Years ago, he would release all of that to me and I would just listen, without digging deeper, just letting him vent.

He did see DDs counselor on one occasion. But it was all about DDs....she is NOT pro-marriage and only dealt with DDs. I may ask him to talk with Jennifer next week. At this point, I don't know if I could talk him into seeing an IC.

I hope that WH would leave OW so easily. But I don't know. He does feel an obligation to her but that may change after I break it to him that she is not divorcing her BH even after her BH offered to do all the work for it. And that OW BH doesn't want it. Walk softly...but carry a big stick. That's my motto at the moment. Approaching him in the right away, offering assistance, but not getting hurt deeper myself.

After the D is final, I will go into absolutely dark Plan B. It safest for my own feelings to get distance. He has to figure out his own stuff, I can't do it for him. I've got enough of my own. I do know that life will be OK after D, it isn't what I wanted for us, but DDs and I will be happy again.

Even when he pulls me back into it a little bit...it is easier to come out of it again, because I know it will get better. As trite as it sounds...time does help you heal. But you have to meet it halfway...use that time wisely.

Again, thank you for your thoughts and encouragement. Your post made me tear up. It helps a great deal to know that people see how hard I've tried to get through this and do what is right by DDs.

I would suggest leaving this part out of the email:

One of the common things that a WS says is "people don't change". You and I know that is crap - we all change, everyday. But in a fog bound WH mind, he is likely to read that last part and say "Foxy is just saying that she will change, to get me to leave OW, but once I leave her, everything will go back to the way they were." this is the sort of crap that a typical OW feeds to the WH.

I also would not mention BIL and SIL's recovery. there is a slight possiblty that he may not agree with it. Perhaps BIL may have shared with him, at some point, a bad moment with SIL, and your WH may still carry that one bad comment as one of his excuses for leaving. Something like "BIL said that SIL held it over his head, and I am not about to let that happen to me".
If BIL made just one negative comment about SIL, then your Hound is likely to hold onto the one negative. Best to leave that out.

Other than that - I guess I am thinking that if YOU feel this email is good to send, then follow your own gut. You certainly know him better than we do. I worry that he may fall back into a deep fog, read your eamil, and then go back to treating you like crap "so you don't get your hopes up". If he does retreat into his old crappy behavior, you will rapidly lose your love for him. I would hate to see that for you.

I would also be cautious how much info you divulge about your converstaions with OWH. I am certain that OW has made him out to be a lying monster. She may have said that she wanted to be around his kids but he would not allow it. that woman will say or do anything to make herself look better. if you suddenly pop up with "OWH's said XYZ" your fog bound WH may run to defend her. He all ready feels like he doesn't want to hurt her. If you come up with anything negative - it will further prove that her own BH is a monster, and OW could not possilby go back to a monster like that, who tells lies about her.

I guess I would at least tell your WH that you have spoken to OWH a few times - but don't go into detail.

Remember that part of the WS handbook includes defending the lying, home wrecking, two-bit wh**re that he is currently with.

It is far better to let your WH see for himself what a horrible person she is.

Frankly, I would avoid any converstaion about her. Instead, focus on the two of you, your M, yoru family with the girls.
Best to be the bigger person in all of this.

I also would not suggest talking to him about the Harleys just yet. It is just too soon. Keep that knowledge to yourself for now.

Sorry - it takes me a while to respond, and it looks like we posted at the same time.
I really want to caution you - do NOT tell your WH that his OW is not even filing for D, even though her own BH has offered to pay. Your WH is going to figure this stuff out by himself, eventually. After all, he will start to realize that her D is not final, and he will wonder why.

Remember that your WH is folling the WH handbook. Chapter 18 of the handbook tells your WH that everything his OW says is golden. and you, and her BH, are only out to get revenge. The two of you have spoken recently, you are probably even sleeping together, and you have come up with this clever plan to "win" back your spouses. You will make huge promises, and when you finally get your way, and your WH moves back home, and gives up "his soul mate" then the other shoe will drop. Suddenly, you will launch an attack. You will kick your poor WH out on his rear, and then he will have no W, no family, an no OW.

Your WH is scared of EVERYTHING right now. He knows that he has a big can of whoop a$$ coming his way and is watching for it.

It is best to keep yoru mouth shut, and listen to what he has to say. Don't try to teach him, don;t try to save him, let him grow up on his own. I know that you wnat to save him - I have been there - but you can't fix this. If he doesn't wise up, become a man of honor, and start taking care of his family, then he will do this to you again.

I would suggest asking lots of questions like "WH, what are your plans with OW?" "Why are you in such a hurry for this D to be final?" "How will that make things any better for you?" "Has OW filed for D yet?, When will her D be final?"

You need to get him thinking about this stuff. If he tells you that "OW is trying to get a d but her H will not let her" You will KNOW what sort of lies she is telling. At least you will have planted a see do doubt in his mind.


remember - he sees OW as "needing to be saved" this is a common issue. She has made her own BH out to be the bad guy - a man so horrible that she HAD to elave him. So any, I mena ANY negative things yous ay about OW will only serve to further convince him that OW needs him to resuce her.

It is gross - and frankly, when your WH fianlly wakes up to the truth he will be disgusted with himself for believing her crap. But you can not make him see this. He has to do it for himself.

I think you are right, womanoffaith. I need to not discuss her at all. I really don't want to hear him defend her, knowing what I know about her, she can only hold up the facade for so long.

I sent him an email right after he called me this morning and this is what it said:

Even though I know I shouldn't, I was just thinking about you. Keep your chin up..... take a moment at a time and do the best you can in that moment. Do your best, and I promise, things will get better. Yup, I promised, so you know it has to happen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care of yourself, WH, you are important.

BS

He called me just moments ago, obviously upset and said "thank you for the email" in a very soft voice. Then in the same voice said, please make sure I do what is right be DDs. That's all I want, is to do right by DDs.

I don't know how much is too much in regards of letting him lean on me and me holding him up a little bit. Isn't that Plan A...meeting emotional needs? This is one of his. do I let him fall over or let him lean?

I think I'm going to hold this other email regarding recovering back until tomorrow. I'll see how our conversation goes tonight and follow my gut then. I really feel I will need to send it....it's just the timing needs to be right so he is receptive.

I will tell WH that I've spoken with OWH, in the spirit of our honesty...but not go into detail. You're absolutely right, who knows what they have told each other about us. He'll be defensive about the fact that I've talked to him at all and probably won't be receptive to OWH comments.

And won't understand why I trust OWH more than I do WH and OW.

Thank you so much for responding. This dialog eases some of my internal conflict. And it hard to separate what I KNOW is best and what I FEEL I should do. The panic of feeling like I only have a certain window of time to get this done is a lot of pressure.

Fox,



What is right is to try and put the family back together. Not just for DDs, but for you an him as well. Tell him that D is not right. D should absolutely be the very last possible resort. He has not even tried to work things out. Tell him tonight over dinner (softly) that you DO NOT want this D to happen. You want to try again. Tell him what is in your heart. Postpone the hearing and give it more time. Tell him if it doesn’t work then you can have your divorce. But you can’t not try!

And listen closely to what he says. Do not offer information such as you talking to OW BH. If he asks about it then answer honestly, but don’t offer. And I also would not ask about OW at all. Keep her out of the conversation completely.. Do not even bring her up. This conversation it is about you, not her. You don’t’ want to discuss her involvement; (plenty of time for that later when your in recovery) you should be discussing you and you DDs. And after tonight you find he is not willing to move forward with saving your M…GO DARK! I mean it. Don’t wait for DDay, you will only hurt yourself by doing so. Don't forget that Plan B is to preserve any love you have left.

You know why he is so upset right now? He already told you. Read back through the beginning of this latest stitch. He sees you moving on. He sees a strong, wonderful, confident person and mother. And that is attractive! He admires how you have handled all of the crap and come out admirable. He really needs to get IC now. He needs guidance. Fox he is reaching out now. Are you there? Be there for him but be very clear about your boundaries.
This volcano is about to erupt. Don't forget he is very confused. Be prepared.

You are amazing! Don't for get that. Do not let him shake you anymore. If he does not want to try, then move forward without him. And tell him exactly that.

MB

Oh, MB,

You are right. That IS what is right for DDs. If anything the effort of a TRY is what they need, from both of us. Then if it doesn't work, it doesn't work and they at least know it was important enough for us to TRY. I lost that for a little while. Thank you for bringing me back to that.

I know he is reaching out, and Yes, I am here. But how do I do this is the question. How can I be here for him but move on at the same time? Even if he tells me right now that he doesn't want to try. I don't believe it. I am positive he does want to but is afraid to. But I can't MAKE him try or MAKE him put D off. Do I take his words as true and go dark or know that isn't really what he feels but what he thinks he has to say and continue Plan A?

Why is this so difficult?! Darn love anyhow!

Also, in regards to mentioning OW BH. I feel I need to say something, OW already knows and is withholding that from WH right now. If she tells him, I'm afraid he will view it as me lying to him. Any thoughts on that?

Fox,


Couldn't have said it better myself!

So that is the question isn't it? How to be there for him yet still move on. The answer is simple. You can't. Sorry, I know thats not what you want to hear. You have to make a choice. A choice that is right for YOU. If you think you have enough left inside to continue on, then stay in plan A. If you simply can't do it anymore then move to plan B. What ever plan you choose, choose it for you. Because its what YOU need.

A good plan A tonight right! Tell him tonight that you don't want a D. That you simply want another chance to put the family back together. Just prolong the Ddate. If it doesn't work then you can persue the D. Give him some time to think it over. (With a deadline of course...don't forget your boundaries) Let him leave and go where ever it is that he goes. Give him lots of space. But what ever your deadline is...10 minutes (heh heh)....tomorrow...this weekend...what ever you decide the boundry to be, you will need an answer. Once you get your answer you can decide how to move forward.

Your right, you can't MAKE him try or even MAKE him want to. But you can present the possiblity to him. He may be sooo lost that he doesn't believe the possibility even exists. Show him that it does exist. Then be very still. (Remember the lighthouse)

In the event he decides he does not want to persue the possiblity of a reconciliation, have your plan B letter ready. Post it here you want help, but be prepared.

MB
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You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
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