So your H is still around, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok, now plan B that WS and stop talking with him. Let him tell those funny stories to himself and know his family isn't willing to share their lives with a WS.

JMHO,
L.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It means so much.

Yes, Orchid, H is still around....somewhere....

My lawyer was going to try to get the final court date moved as he has a doctor appt out of state. WH lawyer was fighting this a little bit. I have a call in to my lawyer to see what he has found out. Maybe if we have a little more time, my Plan B can work before the divorce is final.

I sent WH an email yesterday laying out a temporary visitation schedule and asking for his response, I have not heard back from him yet.

WH: If the girls don't have a lot of home work on Tue.. If everything goes smooth on the swimsuit buying. I'll get them dinner and should have them home by 6:30.

On Wed I'll have them home at 7:00 If something crazy happens you will be the first to know.
How is schooling going? Hope their not raking you over the coals.... I was wondering if you wanted to try to set up some kind schedule during the week for the girls would have some kind of idea.
I've talked with Kelly and I can alter my work times. I hope all is well with girls and you. It sure is nice spending time with them. Even if it is in the ER. Let me know how this sounds to you and good luck with your classes.Sorry this has taken a while to get this to ya but you know how I type.

BS: The plan for Tuesday and Wednesday this week sounds fine to me. Don't let anything crazy happen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

For a schedule until we come to a formal agreement, I would like us to consider the following: You have them Thursdays from 2:45 to 8:00pm (starting next week) and every other weekend (Friday 2:45pm to Sunday 7pm). Homework, etc would have to be done during this time, not when they get back home. Your first weekend on this schedule would be Feb 2-Feb 4. Let me know what you think. The time I have with them is very important to me and it's hard to give up any of it.

I'd like to do one day during the week for a few weeks and keep an eye on how they do with schoolwork, etc and then we could talk about more days.

I am not giving in on the fact that I do not want them to meet her, it will never be ok to me. This time should be spent with YOU. They love and need you, without distractions. I'm glad you are enjoying your time with them, they enjoy it too. It's hard for me, but I know you all need it.

Take care of yourself. BS

It irritates me that he is now all friendly after his big blow up last weekend. It makes me feel like I am being the unreasonable one!

Wow Fox,

How do you handle this? I mean to hunt you down and disrespect you, now acting like that didn't happen and being nice and funny...just wow is all I can say, the fog is thick. He definitely wants you as a friend, he seeks you out. I thought I read where you told him you didn't want to be his friend, either a recovered M or just co-parenting. I happen to agree with this, I couldn't be my FWH either. He actually said this to me a couple of times, I hope we can still be friends. My response, with friends like WH I don't need enemies!

Anywho, I like your response, somewhat playful but very direct. Are you plan A'ing, planning to go to Plan B, or don't know at the momement?

I'm not really in plan anything right now. I'm on my way to Plan B. I was hoping to have visitation worked out first but WH keeps dragging his feet. Our final court date is next Wednesday so I'm quickly running out of time.

I just got off the phone with my lawyer with the first round of negotiations. He told me what WH plan is for custody. I agreed mostly with...but not on others. So he is taking my "rebuttal" back to WH lawyer. WH lawyer told mine that we should be able to have an agreement done by the end of this week.

I will send my Plan B letter to WH tomorrow after 2:45 when he is picking up DDs. He will get it first thing Thursday morning....then the testing will begin I'm sure. Please wish me luck.

The D is going through at this point no matter what I do. Plan B is only going to be protection for me......healing and moving forward with my life without WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

(((Fox)))

I understand that last statement and your confusion. Do you still love your H (not WH, of course)?

I can safely say that I still love my H, but I'm fairly sure that I am ready to move for a D this summer. I will probably remain in a Plan B state even after D. I'm still not in sync, so I will wait for it, but I think it's coming, I can 'feel' it, my WANT to recover eroding away...

Although these interactions with your WH are VERY difficult and gut wrenching, try to stay the course of Plan A until you go dark...

You will have your own period of withdrawal, so be prepared for lots of thoughts to come at you; in time, the quiet comes and clarity follows...I know it sounds trite, but just take one day at a time; don't think too far ahead, let things come to YOU. Relinquish whatever control you believe you have over the sitch, and gain control of yourself. Do things for YOU. I've taken to hanging out MUCH more often with friends, and indulging in my shoe addiction...

You WILL be happy again, maybe even Happier, and peace will come...

I still love my H some......less each day that this continues. I always felt like I loved him more than he loved me. I'm afraid if recovery ever were to happen, I would question even more what he felt and always be waiting for him to give up again. Would he run at the first bump...or the second....or the third? Or could/would he change enough? Could I trust that change to be permanent?

I deserve more than that...I deserve to KNOW if my spouse loves me, not wondering what I'll do next that will give him an excuse to leave me again. His INACTION spoke to me much louder than his words.

My WANT to recover has also eroded...until it's almost completely gone. And I'm afraid of that too....I KNOW WH will come back at some point. Then it will be me that is unwilling to restore our family.

On days like yesterday, where I had to discuss custody with my lawyer, I find myself in the same panic I used to be in. I have to fix this! This can't happen! What do I do? After a while I step back and realize....it's happening anyway and no matter what kind of panic I get into...it's going to happen because WH wanted it to. And I have to accept it all over again......and somehow I find that place again where I am ok. I find that spot to rest in my own head...without getting in a panic and an uproar to stop it. It is what it is.

I'm almost looking forward to the final court date. I need this to end and to move on. I cannot move on until this is finished. It will be a relief to know how much money I will have every month and then figure out what I am going to have to do to balance out the rest. WH has had way too much power in this. I have to stop letting his moods effect mine so much. I'm counting on Plan B to help me with that.

Today is Plan B day. WH is picking DDs up from school to take them swimming. I will send the Plan B letter by email to him at work...he should receive it first thing tomorrow morning.

I'm afraid of doing it, but know I have to. For my own sanity. As recent as yesterday, I found out a new detail about his actions this past summer with OW.....and it stabbed me all over again. I have to get out or I'll continue to be drug down. He needs to save himself, I just can't do it.

Thank you for staying with me and giving me your point of view, it is extremely helpful. I'm too close to see the right direction. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm assuming you have read a bunch on Plan B and are prepared to go very dark.

Who is your intermediary???

Are they prepped and ready to go???

Do they know/realize that there job is to protect you from all interactions, other than emergencies and cordinating exchanges of the children such that IF and/or WHEN WH comes to his senses and ends his affair you MAY still have a little bit of love left in your love bank which will enable the two of you to at least pursue a recovery?

Meaning...your intermediary is NOT a marriage coach and need not get involved in passing along details, comings and goings, info about OW, etc. There job is NOT to fix things but just be a conduit and filter of logistical information.

Mr. Wondering

I'm glad your back, Mr. Wondering

I have read up on Plan B and will go absolutely dark. My mother is the intermediary and is aware of her role and how to protect me. I don't think she will have to do much.... WH will not confide in her in any way and will probably never contact her to make changes for the kids. They did not get along well during our M and less so now. She will be civil but stick only to facts with him.

Thank you for checking in with me. I expect these next few weeks to be fairly difficult. Finalizing the divorce and absolutely no contact. My heart still wants to accept all those little crumbs he keeps handing out, but my head knows better.

Where is the best place to learn more about Plan B? I've read the articles on this site and SAA....is there anything else?

I don't know off hand. Hopefully, someone will come along and post a link.

I did want to insure that you explicitly inform your mother, as intermediary, to keep her opinions out of the delivery of information. She is going to want to protect you and MAY tend to express a lot of negativity to you even keeping a semblance of hope alive. Getting you to give up is not her job. Just express that you are not ready to date anyway and you're really not that hopeful but this process (Plan B) is about YOU getting peace and making your own personal journey towards recovery. IF WH ends his affair and expresses an interest in recovery...you MAY remain open to the possibility; however, you can express to her that otherwise you have no intention of becoming friends with him.

Affairs end. This process will also place the greatest burden on the affair that you can possible place. OW will be responsible for all his needs and he hers. He will remain miserable without YOU to blame. At the very least you want to take the best approach possible to sever their relationship in the quickest amount of time to get her away from your family forever...regardless of any divorce.

Trust the process.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- will the divorce paperwork include the restriction on overnight guests or exposure to OW. This restriction is a bit risky because it would be nullified if they marry. You don't necessarily want to hurry their marriage along but then again, pressure to get married if WH is not ready or willing to marry OW may be just what the doctor ordered. Your call.

p.p.s.- The actual divorce MAY work for you too. WH will then be a free man and OW will need to compete with ALL other available single women out there instead of just you. He'll find out soon enough that he is still miserable and may just start blaming her (cause it can't be him, he's great). Thus, he may initially decide to just become single and end the affair. Then, as an after-thought, noticing how strong and secure you have become, begin to consider and pursue reestablishing a relationship with you. They nearly ALL try to come back someday.

I'm trying...I really am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I hope this is the right path. I do know what I was doing wasn't working..... can't continue to do the same thing and expecting something different.



I talked to my lawyer again yesterday about including a restriction on overnight stays. My lawyer is sure that the judge won't go for that....it just isn't typical and may make the judge think I am being unreasonable. However, we are going to try to work it in to the negotiation end of it before it even goes to the judge. The judge doesn't have to agree...as long as WH does. I can guarantee you that WH does not want ME having overnight stays at all...let alone when DDs are there. Not that I would, but WH may think so since he thinks it is ok for him.

My laywer is pretty adamant that I cannot put restrictions on DDs meeting her after the divorce. He believes a judge will think that is over the top and a judge will not do it since it is not "typical".

OW and WH cannot marry after WH and I are divorced. She is still married. Her H is trying to get a legal sep done but she is dragging her feet. She keeps telling him she doesn't know what she wants to do. WTF? I believe she is doing it because she has the upper hand as far as their son is concerned. She is able to tell him when he can have his son and when he can't. Most of the time they are pretty flexible but there have been instances where he made her mad and she asked him if he ever wanted to see his son again. And...she doesn't have to make a decision she can continue to do whatever she wants to do and he is supposed to sit there and wait for her to decide. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />



I expect this to be a big LB between them. Once he is D, why isn't she at least working on it. OW is telling her husband they stay out of each other's business. What goes on between WH and I is not discussed and what goes on between OW and her H is not discussed. I doubt it...how could it not be, if you're so in love and looking forward to a long term relationship? How could it not be important to know what is going on with your "partner".

I believe the D is going to be the smack between the eyes that WH needs. It could be too late, but I really think it will have a huge effect on him. Feb 24 is 6 months since they moved in together. I have a feeling things are going to be much different for them by then. Especially when I have disappeared from the equation and they can only look to each other for "happiness". (gag)

Just sent PBL to WH....he should get it first thing tomorrow morning. I really hope I did the right thing....

My gut tells me that it is right....but I'm second guessing myself already.

Oh Fox, You have soooo done the right thing IMO. If only for yourself. I only wish you would have done it sooner. I got all choked up reading your stitch today. So much has happened, you must be utterly exhausted! You have truley handled yourself with dignity and respect and I am so proud of you! You are truely amazing!

MrWondering is sooo funny!
heh heh
good one!
He's great, heh heh

MB

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What we see depends mainly on what we look for.
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Fox,

These next few weeks will be an adjustment to what you are used to; some good, some not necessarily bad, but difficult to get used to. I don't think that a D will be the end in this one, I don't KNOW, but it sounds like there is just too much that your WH cares about with you. I don't really think you would have seen the commotion that you have if he didn't have some connection with you. Jealousy, well, it speaks for itself.

Now, with that being said, remember that you need to begin to live YOUR life; no more putting things on hold thinking that you would like to wait for some of those decisions until things are more concrete. Live life as if you are a single mom. I'm sure you already feel the crunch, having to do most EVERYTHING yourself.

I have been in Plan B since October (3 mos) and am really beginning to feel better, happier, daily...It took me some learnin and detachin, but I've gotten to a place where I feel WHOLE again. My old self is coming back. I don't think I will ever be as bubbly and happy as before, but I will be as much of a smart alack, and jokster...the naiveness is gone, and will not return.

You are doing what is best for you, as you WILL feel better, and your children need a happy Mom. Hang in there!

As a side note, my boss has come down pretty hard against PERSONAL use of the computer, so I prolly won't be posting during the day, and will have to play catch-up at night. You will get great advice from so many, that I don't think you will miss out on much...

FNH - You are doing right by plan Bing him, if anything, for your own sanity.

We are here for you!!

Thank you all for your support and kind words. I truly appreciate it. Please watch me closely...I may have to call out for you to talk me out of calling him, especially if he doesn't try to contact me at all. My resolve is strong, though, I am going to do this.

SL, I understand the work commputer situation...please catch up with me when you can.

Well, Day #1 in Plan B, let's get to it.......

"Please watch me closely..."


Will do. You can do this!!!!

Most likely he'll react as your efforts to control the situation goes against the fantasy of everyone just gettin' along and ending up happier and friendly.

Sometimes...their pride interferes and they go silent just to punish you for taking a stand. They sense the loss of control and feel manipulated thus they consider the most likely way to manipulate you back is to go silent themselves.

Other times, they feel temporary relief that they finally got what they wanted. It takes a few days for the withdrawal to commence and they come roaring back to change the situation and get you out of Plan B.

I'd guess your husband will take tact one and fight Plan B from the get go.

Additionally, YOUR withdrawal will be your biggest enemy. You've been together for a really long time and your mind will try to convince you to give in to contact. Your mind will rationalize and create emergency reasons why you MUST respond to this or that and that one little contact is OK. We can't do this for you. Sink or swim. It DOES get better with time.

Mr. Wondering

Yup, it's my own withdrawal that I'm most worried about. Finding those little things to try to make an excuse to contact him....just to stay in it a little bit. But I won't, parent-teacher conferences are coming up and I've already notified him of those before sending PBL. Now it's just a matter of figuring out how to deal with him when we are both there, without giving him any "extra" contact. Conferences aren't until Feb 12 so I have a little time to figure out the best way to do it. The last conference is when he told me he was ready to "talk" whenever I was. I knew it wasn't going to be recovery talk, just excuses as to why he did what he did.

Tonight I'm taking all the wedding pictures, reminders, etc down around the house. DDs have wedding pictures of us in their rooms. I will remove and put away anything that is about him. The last will be my wedding rings....but not until D papers are signed on Wednesday.

Feb 12 will be 2 weeks from the 6 month anniversary of when they moved in together. It seems so close, but we all know how quickly things can change. Either way, I'm moving forward. Once the D is final and I know what my finances are going to look like, I am going to begin the search for a new house. Start fresh.

My guess is that WH will not contact me for at least a week (although we will see each other at the D hearing). His pride will be in the way...or he'll simply thing he is trying to honor my request to leave me alone. You know, cause he is such a sensitive guy) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> At most, I think it will take him 2 weeks to try to break me. Then he'll find little things to call me about. Of course, only related to DDs but then will want to get into other things. I have caller id at work and have already asked that someone else answer it when he calls. My cell phone is set to not ring or vibrate when he calls, I change that only when he has DDs in case of an emergency. He is blocked from my email, and I have caller id at home. I think I have most everything covered, now it's just a matter of not giving in when he does try.

I know you can't do it for me....but knowing you're all behind me gives me strength to do what I know has to be done. Thank you, again.

The pictures in daughters room may be a bit overboard. By all means if DD is for it too, then OK. But I'd give doing that some thought.

W