Big sigh....

DD12 had a ski day today at school. WH went with her (first year EVER). I called DD12 when she was on her way back to school from the ski hill (she was on the bus) and told her I would pick her up from school. The original plan was for her to ride the bus to my mother's like they do every day. But DD13 was home sick and I had plans right after work so it was easier for me to pick her up at the school and bring her back to work with me.

She said WH was planning on taking her home. At what point was he going to tell me this? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I told her he didn't need to take her home, either I could pick her up at school or he could bring her to my office. He was not on the bus with her, he had to drive separately. I told her if anything changed, she needed to call me.

A few minutes later she called and said WH wanted to take her home. I said no, he could just bring her to my office or I would pick her up. She said he said he wanted to see DD13 since she was home sick. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Since when has he ever checked on DDs when they are home sick? Oh well, doing better now, I guess. I said that was fine that he takes DD12 home and checks in on DD13.

But it bothers me. Why does he think he can go into my house when I'm not home? Am I going to be allowed to go into his house when DDs start staying there and stay home sick? I doubt it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

So, both reasons, actually, although I was more worried about forming a relationship with OW H. Just be careful with it.

The infidels in my situation also lose it when OMW and I talk, and while I don't mind them losing it, I'm beginning to think it just gives them more fuel for their affair. You two against them. If you ignore them and don't give them that fuel, they have to come up with their own inertia to keep the affair going.

How you proceed probably depends upon what you want. I hear you questioning whether you want your H back at all. You know you don't want WH back, but he's a fogged-out zombie, so that's not really the question. If you think you might want your H back, get back on your Plan B and stay dark. Stop talking to him (let's see...where have I heard this before?). The more exposure you have to the alien, the less interest you'll have when the A dies. At least, that's what I hear.

Double check your computer for keyloggers and look around carefully for a bugging device or recorder. He may have wanted to spy on you. Ask DD's what rooms he entered. Check any auto that was there also. More likely he just wanted to snoop around for letters, emails, undergarments, etc....anything to PROVE you are actually having an affair with OWH.

Talk to OWH on the phone or in public but don't get caught again anywhere alone with him. The implications can and will be used against you in court AND/OR in the court of public opinion. He will forever use the rationalization and justification that YOU had an affair as why you guys didn't or couldn't reconcile. He may not ever even mention his own infidelity. He will most likely say the same thing to your daughters as they grow older. With time he can skew the perceptions to make the whole dissolution just a matter of he said/she said and irreconcilable differences thus absolving himself. Kids and others won't know what to believe so won't believe either of you...live and let live.

Your children will suffer because of this. They won't absolutely know the truth. YOU are still a married woman that should not be going on "dates" with anyone let alone a nearly divorced man (He is still married too so the same thing applies to him???). IMO, once you are both divorced, it's still not a very good idea to be too close with OWH, kids are confused enough.

"It feels good"...come on, your integrity (in reality and as perceived by your children) is more important than this temporary attention you are receiving. Further, you may believe making WH jealous or maybe you feel like you are getting some revenge on him by giving him the perception you and OWH are hooking up. This is NOT how a married woman should behave. It's making things worse, not better.

Sorry for the 2 x 4. I'll be out of town for a few days. Hope I come back and you are doing great. We are trying to help you...not drive you away.

Mr. Wondering

So what happened?

L.

This is a common problem when people split up and there are children involved old enough to have a key or are able to let the parent in. I know my mom and dad fought over this when they D'd. All the more reason to speed up that divorce and change the locks, but your D's could still give him the key... Tough situation. You might want to ask your lawyer what you can do about this.

WH didn't go in the house yesterday. DD13 went outside and talked to him. He was there for just a few minutes, didn't get out of his vehicle at all (OW Jeep)

I, too, think it gives them more fuel for their affair. I am ignoring him the best I can, he is the one tracking me down. On one hand, I think I should lay low and not allow anything to happen that would provide more fuel. But on the other hand, I think "screw him, why does he think he has the right to tell me what to do and to judge me at all?"

At the same time that it is pushing them closer, it is also a drain. They are ranting and raving so much about what they think OW H and I are doing, they aren't spending quality time together. If their goal is to be happy, this won't get them there.

OW told her H that if he wasn't "seeing" me, they would have a chance at getting back together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> OWH said "alright, I won't "see" her...when you are moving out of the house you share with WH?" Silence ensued.

The intent is not to make them jealous. I wish they never knew we ever talked. Secret intel carries a little more weight when it's actually a secret. But I also won't deny I get a little satisfaction out of them going insane about it. Reinforces how foggy they really are.

And I do know how bad that looks that OWH was at my house and that we were going somewhere together. But truly, not a "date". I do see what it looks like, though, and it does concern me now that it was pointed out. It was innocent to me, but I understand what it can be manipulated and used against me. Won't happen again.

Thank you all for pointing these things out. I know you are here to help and not chase me away. That's why I give you complete information, not filtered so you see me in the best light. 2x4s are difficult to receive, but necessary.

Thank you for not getting frustrated with me and leaving me. I appreciate all of you a great deal. I know you all have your own things going on, and I am grateful that you will come here and give me your viewpoints.

Well... it's pretty obvious that it's driving them crazy that you two have contact. I know it's tempting to rattle their cages some more, I mean, what right to the really have to be telling either of you what to do? They are still married to other people and they are living together yet they are throwing demands around and acting like nutcases...

But, maybe the others are right though and no more fuel should be thrown on the fire.

The [email]d@mn[/email] attorneys need to hurry up!

I need a little advice on how to handle tonight with a true Plan B.

DDs have a chorus concert. Today is WH regularly scheduled day. He has them from 2:45pm until 7:30pm. DD12 concert starts at 7pm. DD13 starts at 8pm.

WH will take them there. My plan was to be there also, but to sit in the back, away from WH. Then when DD13 was finished, they could come find me and I would take them home.

I feel a little odd about doing that for DDs sake. Although, I have discussed with them why I can't be around WH anymore. Would it be better for me to not go at all? I've never missed one of their concerts. And if I don't go, WH has something else to use against me with his lawyer. First I didn't go to parent/teacher conferences, and second, I didn't go to DDs concert.

Any thoughts?

Go and stay very very very far away from WH. If he comes near you, move. You shouldn't have to avoid these events. If he harasses you at all or makes you fearful of your safety, call the cops.

Is there anyone you could take with you? Besides OWH? Hee hee, just giving you a hard time...

Do you think he'll show up with OW?

I'm conflicted about that, too. Whether I want the attorneys to hurry up or not. I do for financial and stability reasons. But then I think, if it gets drug out long enough, things could change. But I don't know if I want it to change.....I'm still so confused about what I want to have happen. I really really wonder if H ever returns, could it ever work, would he ever deal with what happened or would it all still be blamed on me? And should I allow him that second chance after all he has done.

When is it just enough already? Will he admire that I put up with so much and still offered him another chance or will he completely disrespect me, and think I'm a fool for putting up with so much?

The way our court system is going now, I doubt we can get a new final date before the end of May. That's 10 months after the A started and 8 months after they started living together. Alot of things can change by then. Will it be better or worse?

No, I don't think he will bring OW. I have a feeling he is a bit afraid of how DDs are going to be with her (and her with them). He pushed it some, but now has backed of a bit.

I don't think he'll harass me or give me any trouble with DDs right there. I'm sure he'll be putting on a show for them about how reasonable he is and how he will do whatever it takes to get along for them. While Mom is being childish and won't even sit by him for their sake.

Can you bring someone else with you?
A friend, a sister?
Someone that can be both a witness and a buffer to prevent him from coming near you?

I agree -- don't avoid events.

Are you getting a restraining order?
That will keep him away.

Just asked my sister if she will come with me. Waiting for response.



I am not getting a restraining order right now. I have a police report filed over the last incident and my lawyer is going to call his lawyer and warn him to leave me alone. If ANYTHING else happens, I will file a restraining order.

How did it go last night? Was your sister able to go with you?

No, my sister was not able to go with me. Everything went alright, though.

I arrived a few minutes late, the only lights on were the ones on the stage. I was able to slip in one of the seats in the back by the door where the kids come out from backstage. DD12 was on stage first. DD13 was sitting with WH.

When DD12 finished, she came out of the backstage door and was able to see me right away. She sat down with me for a few minutes and then went to WH who was sitting on the other side of the auditorium towards the front. DD13 went onstage without noticing I was there (different door to go onstage).

DD12 sat with WH for about 10 minutes (I assumed she would sit with him the whole time and that was fine...it was his night), but then she came and sat with me for all of DD13's performance. Leaving WH to sit by himself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> His idea or hers? I don't know. I kind of doubt it was his.

When DD13 came offstage, she immediately saw me and we talked for a couple of minutes and then she went to WH. DD12 went with her to say goodbye to WH.

DD12 then came back to me and DD13 stayed with WH. I'd forgotten we would have to go to his truck afterwards to get their backpacks since he picked them up from school. I had made sure I parked on the other side of the school than WH. But then I had to go there anyway. DD12 came with me and we drove over to his truck to pick up their bags.

I did not say a word to him, he did not say a word to me. But I did notice when DD12 was sitting with him and DD13 was backstage, WH kept turning around and searching the crowd. Didn't see me though, until DD12 came back to sit with me.

WH left the auditorium on one side of the room and I left it on the other. Unfortunately, everyone comes back together at the front to go out the main doors. And somehow we got there at exactly the same time---and he walked out the door directly behind me.

We never made eye contact and neither of us said anything.

Good!!! I'm so happy to hear there wasn't any drama!

I'm taking DDs out of town for the weekend. Here's hoping we can get some peace!

I hope you gals enjoyed your weekend together! Did you have any good heart to hearts and eat junk food?

Had a GREAT girls weekend with DDs and my little sister! Was very good. Not really any heart to hearts...just relaxation and good times.

DD13 talked to WH on Saturday and said he sounded pretty down and was missing them. I thought I would be nice and offer him a few hours on Sunday afternoon. We left the cabin early so they could have some extra time with him.

DD13 called him Sunday morning and gave him the offer. The plan was for DD13 to call him when we got back to town and he would come pick them up, spend a few hours, and bring them back home in time to settle and get ready for school the next day. When DD13 called and told him we were home, he said ok "we'll be right out". After they hung up DD13 told me he said "we" but she didn't know who the "we" was.

So I was waiting outside when WH arrived....in her Jeep... with her (with a little smirk on her face, like she got one over on me). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

They left without DDs.