I think I'm done with Plan B (I wasn't any good at it anyway) and I'm doing Plan FU.

WH says he knows when our final court date is. Which just irks the heck out of me. I HATE being out of the loop. I called my lawyer first thing this morning and the District Court Clerk to find out the date. Left messages for both.

I'm just done with this crap....I try to be nice and he kicks me in the teeth again.

Why didn't DD's go with WH? Inquiring minds want to know...

I'm glad to hear that you had a great time with DD's. It must be great to get away!

This weekend was a wash for me. Not much alone time with WH. He was busy with work, trying to meet a deadline for tuesday. DS has been sick, AGAIN, so we didn't do much with him, either. It snowed Sunday morning (about 5 inches) so I went outside in the afternoon to do some shoveling. I cleaned my car off, and shoveled my way out of the driveway. I was standing by my car when my moon-roof made a horrendous crackling noise. It COMPLETELY cracked away from the frame. I'm waiting now to hear from the glass repair company; sounds like I'll be out of a car for the rest of the week.

Right, why did your DD's stay home?

I had a nice weekend, the weather is beautiful in central Texas these days...

DDs did not go with WH because I wouldn't let them. He will not bring OW to my house and think I'm going to go along with it.

I walked up to the window:

BS: Are you kidding me? You brought HER here? I try to be nice and this is what you do? Forget it, I'm not sending them out to you with her here. Goodbye" And I turned and walked into the house and locked the door.

Then I told DDs they couldn't go because he brought OW. And explained to them why...how disrespectful it is to me and to them. I apologized for the situation but told them I had to stand up for what I believe in. And then had a discussion with them about sticking up for what they believe in. With both of us. And how important it is for them to tell us exactly what they are feeling, we both need to know where they are at with things. I reassured them that no matter what they said WH and I would ALWAYS love them.

WH called and sat outside my house for 1/2-45 minutes arguing about why I wouldn't let DDs come out. Same thing over and over and over again. He finally left, lost the signal, and then called me back. For another hour long "conversation".

I spoke calmly and quietly the whole time. Restating facts about DDs and what this does to them and repeatedly asking him to be careful with DDs feelings, etc. Always calm, always stating the same thing over and over. While he screamed, yelled, cussed, accused, etc. What the heck was SHE thinking while he is sitting in the car ranting and raving like a lunatic?

Darn it! Why can't I stay in Plan B?! I REALLY want to Plan FU. I am so sick of getting walked on and disrespected and having him flaunt her in my face. I'm just fed up! We had such a great weekend and then it went to he!! as soon as he was back in it.

Just got off the phone with my lawyer, he is going to track down the final D date and get something rolling for child support in the meantime.

So much for WH moving slowly and phasing HER in. Since he has introduced them, he has seen them 3 times. Two of those three DDs have seen her. The only reason it wasn't three out of three is because DDs had a concert and OW had her son. For whatever reason, OW and WH don't want the kids to meet yet. The kids aren't the problem! They would have seen her 3 out of 4 times if I had let them go yesterday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Tonight is his regularly scheduled evening. I bet he is going to take DDs to his house with HER, just to show me he can. Or maybe not, WH will have her DS7. And the kids meeting is taboo!

Hopefully, DDs will talk to him and tell him what they feel. I don't think he will listen or believe any of it if it isn't what he wants to hear, but hopefully it will make him think. If he has a brain left at all.....

fox, I feel your pain. I fortunately don't have the OP present to worry about meeting the kids yet, just his spirit or should I demon.

You need to stand up for your girls, you need to demonstrate to them what respect is and what boundaries are.

Stay strong stay couragous

Plan B is TOUGH, especially when you have to iron out visitation with the children on the fly.

I like the fact that you have expressed to your children WHY you do what you do, and that you express to them that openness and honesty from them is welcomed. Have your children expressed their opinions as of yet? I would hate to think that they would rather spend some time with their dad (even if OW is around) than to have that time taken from them. They were expecting to spend time with DAD, maybe even looking forward to it, and then, WHAM, that changes, too.

I had a pretty strict visitation schedule agreement with my WH, so I didn't deal with a lot of what you are, and I feel for you. Don't get me wrong here, I wouldn't want my son with OW EVER, but I didn't want my son to suffer either. It's a slippery slope, and you are doing what your heart and mind guide you to do. I have the utmost respect for that...

I get the feeling a lot of this is being egged on by MOW. For some reason their pea brains are freaking over your freindship with OWH. You guys are able to compare notes on them, you've flipped the script and they are going to move mountains to separate you two. If that means messing with you over visitation, pushing the one button that upsets you the most, then that's what they'll do. I wonder if your H is around when they exchange their son. I think she was in the background when all of this was going on just loving it, you two were fighting, her goal was accomplished.

It is good you stood your ground and told your D's your reasoning. I am proud of you FNH!

Thanks for all the feedback. Yes, it is the one button that WH knows he can push that will bring me out of the house and into his face no matter what my PLAN is.

DD13 has expressed her feelings to me. Not to WH..and WH is the one that needs to hear what she says. I again suggested that she write him a letter.

I feel that DDs were relieved that they didn't have to go. They do not want time with her, they want undivided attention with their dad. Before DD13 called WH when we got home she asked me to ask DD12 if she REALLY wanted to go, she sounded hesitant but if DD12 wanted to go, she would too.

I don't want my DDs to suffer, either. I do know time with their dad is important and I know they will sacrifice their feelings no matter who is around so they can spend time with their dad. It is not right for them to have to do that. Just being in his presence is not spending time with him and does not make them feel better about the situation or about him. I think they feel obligated to do that for him because that is the only way he will see them.

I handled it the best way I could in the moment. I'm sure I could have done things differently (like NOT answering the phone) but I did the best I could. I REFUSE to be walked on and I REFUSE to let him walk on DDs.

No, WH is not around when MOW and her H exchange their son. MOWH has been dreading that and trying to figure out how he is going to handle it when/if it happens.

OW may have felt that her goal was accomplished with WH and I fighting, but won't she get fed up with hearing the same thing over and over and over again? I sure do! Wouldn't the chaos and drama get tiresome to her to?

I think you did the right thing, then, judging from what your DD's have told you. It's a tough thing for a daughter/son to tell their GROWN parent that they don't want to see them, due to their behavior, but I think it would do a lot of WS's good to KNOW the truth from their kids.

I guess the only advice I have for you is this...

STAY IN PLAN B NO MATTER WHAT WH DOES!!!

(((((fox)))))

How should I have handled it in true Plan B form? Sent them out to WH/OW and just let it be or done the initial confrontation with him, go in the house and NOT answer the phone?

I imagine this is going to happen again, any suggestions on the best way to handle it the next time it happens?

Thank you all for your input, I know I'm frustrating.... I frustrate myself!

I wish I knew the answer. After a week of having the kids to myself, they're back with WW now, and I fully expect OM will be around again soon. I think that there is nothing I can do about it short of accelerating the divorce and initiating a custody battle, so I'm going to play it cool. I'm not going to ask the kids whether or not OM was there. If I find out that he was, I'm not going to react and let it trigger me. If the kids want to talk about it, I will, but I won't poison them (something my WW has accused me of). I also won't lie to them. I won't make them talk about it. If they complain about anything that happens with WW, I will help them write a letter to WW (suggestion from Jennifer).

And I will stay dark.

My advice is to form some kind of understanding with WH about DDs. I think the best would be if you could communicate to him "Look, DDs don't want to be around OW so if OW is with you when it's time for the transfer, there will be no transfer, no discussion, end of story, don't bother calling because I won't pick up." I would want to be careful about not putting words in DDs mouths, so it would be best if they could express how they feel about OW to WH (letter?). Alternatively, you could just decide that if OW is with him at transfer time, then it won't happen etc. and tell him that, too. Make it clear what's going to happen so that you don't have to get engaged in the conversation, which is where the real poison is.

The whole situation is frustrating... I can't say I wouldn't have done the same in your place. Maybe a Plan B guru will come along... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, sdguy038. The contact between OP and the kids is the hardest thing to get through. The protection instinct is strong. A HUGE trigger for me that I don't think is going to get better. I cannot back off on this. I will fight it every step of the way.

I have encouraged DDs to write WH letters about what they are going through. They just can't right now. Although, I think DD13 is thinking heavily on it, especially after our discussion last night about sticking up for what you believe and not just following along for the sake of keeping the peace.

WH says "if they don't tell meno, even if they feel differently, they are just going to have to deal with it. That's life"

I think WH now understands that if OW is with him, there will be no transfer. I will be watching each and every time now. Before I was trying to stay in Plan B and would just send DDs out to his car when he got there. Not the case now, I will be watching for those sneaky tactics.

You ARE NOT frustrating. What you are doing takes GOBS of energy and perserverence, and coming here for advice is WISE.

Hmmm, I agree that having OW around your children is wrong, and it seems your children agree. Maybe the answer is to try to find a way to convey your CHILDRENS feelings FROM THEM to WH, so that you are not involved. I can't begin to give you tips on this (maybe a letter, as sdguy suggests). I know that I told my son to express his grief to his father, but he is 4, not in his teens. That's a lot of pressure for a young girl.

I would send a message to WH, through intermediary, that you would like to set up a more scheduled thing with the girls for now. Don't be so fluid with them. I know that you would like to provide as much time with their dad as possible, but STRUCTURE may serve you ALL better right now. Just stick to the schedule. Maybe stating, in a very clear, adult manner that you would prefer if OW does not come to YOUR home, or on your property. Maybe others will be able to better guide you with that one.

I wouldn't answer the phone when you KNOW it is going to be confrontational. You have to take the high road. No squabbling; the children see and hear it. NO MORE. You need the calm, serene invironment for the kids, as they are not going to get that from your WH.

It seems to me that the two waywards sure do go out of their way to torment you. Sounds like your Plan B is working. They are focusing on you, not their R, so the darker you go, the more they are forced to DEAL with EACHOTHER, see?

Darkness for you redirects the light on to them...

Thanks, SL, for the validation. It does take so much each and every day. Even Plan B takes alot out of me (even when I am doing it right). Every day it seems it is something else, even just the effort to not let him get to me.

I REALLY hope DDs will write WH letters. I doubt he will believe they came from them, though. He'll think I told them what to say, just like he did for DD13's first letter to him.

Last night was another night of little sleep. Worrying whether or not I did right by DDs or whether I just made it worse.

He told me yesterday that he loved OW and she was in his life "forever" and he just wants DDs involved in his new life because it is important to him and they are important to him. It doesn't hurt like it would have a while ago. I see them failing and both of them hanging on by their fingernails. At this point, I hope they are together for a darn long time...because they won't be happy, just together. As long as my DDs are not unhappy at the same time.



We have a schedule set up through March. He has them the weekend of March 10 and then March 24 to go hunting. If DDs stay overnight at his house with OW on March 10, I will allow them to go hunting on March 24 (w/out OW) but will not set up any more overnights until the D is final. Until then the schedule will be only Monday and Thursday evenings.

I will not condone their A by offering him DDs overnight when I know he is going to take them there with her. If I accept it, I am condoning it and I will not.

I just spoke with DDs, they are at OW/WH house (regularly scheduled visit). OW is still at work. She picks her son up at 4, we'll see how WH is going to play this one. Is today going to be the day DDs meet her DS7 so they can then be around OW whenver? I guess I'll find out tonight.

Thank you for not getting frustrated with me. I'M just so frustrated!

While I prefer DDs not hear my discussion with WH, it's not all bad. I am calm and I repeat the same things over and over. I state my concern for DDs and the harm that is caused by his actions, how this should have never happened, that it is disrespectful to bring her to my house, that it is wrong to introduce your children to your girlfriend while you are still married and she is still married to her H, that I will not allow him to treat me or DDs poorly and I will fight for what I believe in. Calm, quiet, and factual...not a bad thing for DDs to see or hear.

Well, fox, stating your peace is important, and now that you have done it, reiterating it is just continued contact for NO real reason. Your WH KNOWS that you don't want your children involved with OW, as it causes them undue stress and harm. I think it's great for your DD's to see you be calm and assertive. It's a wonderful example. NOW, DARK! okay?

Any time you spend fighting with them takes the focus off of them, and makes a triangle. They then feel like it's them against you. It needs to be them against themselves. Take yourself out, by remaining quiet, and taking GREAT care of yourself and your HOME and your DD's.

BTW, I think you ARE doing GREAT with what you have had to deal with, just breathe...

Thank you, SL, I get it. I am going to create a ticker, so that I have a visual, a goal to work towards. One day at a time.

Your daughters are at a very crucial age for having a good relationship with their dad.
This will be their model relationship for how a man should treat them.

I have a teenage daughter, and the way I approached it with her dad was to ask him to treat his weeknight visits with her as if it was a date. Open doors for her, have her order first at a restaurant, etc. "Date Training"

Maybe your STBX would be more willing to leave OW out of their time together if you could get that message through to him. ??? Just an idea....

I am so aware of what a crucial age they are at and how this can affect their future relationships.

I would LOVE for WH to treat DDs that way. But for me to suggest that to him is telling how he should treat is daughters and he is NOT taking any advice from me.

If I thought this would work...I would have to break Plan B to do it. But maybe I could suggest this to DDs to put in their letters. Not this specific thing, but have them tell him how they would like to be treated...what do DDs want on the days WH has them.

If they are not comfortable telling him what they DON'T want to do, maybe they can tell him what they DO want to do.

Ideas, suggestions?