Actually, I would have loved for H to treat me the way you pointed out throughout our marriage. I would be so impressed if WH would do that for DDs.

He likely won't be able to hear what they tell him anyway, especially if they're not really clear about it, which I can't imagine they would be. I can't see my DS7 ever being able to tell his mother he disapproves of what she's doing--it's just not in him. My DD3, on the other hand, said she was 'going to have a talk with Mommy on Sunday' because she didn't want her to be angry at me anymore (SDGuy chokes up immediately). She doesn't understand what's happening, though.

It would be great if your DDs can tell him themselves they disapprove of what he's doing, but it's a lot to ask. If you can get them to tell you and be confident they're not just telling you what you want to hear, then you can help them tell him. "DDs have told me that they're uncomfortable being around OW, so if she's with you at transfer time, there will be no transfer." and "Yes, I encouraged DDs to tell you themselves, but they are uncomfortable talking to you about it. Maybe if you ask them, they will tell you how they really feel. Until I hear otherwise, this is the way things will be." But again, he will probably pass the message through the FogFilter and not be able to hear it anyway, so the best thing may be to say nothing at all.

I agree with SL's schedule suggestion.

And even if you're calm in what you're saying to him, part of you is still hearing the Fogtalk being spewed at you. You can dissect it as rationally as possible and know that it's Fogtalk, but it still hurts. Stop letting him do that to you. It's a trigger, and it brings Plan FU that much closer.

Good God... what will these two do when there is no drama to fuel their romance?

Any word on the court date from your attorney?

I absolutely agree with this. Even if somehow he does hear what they say, he'll discard it and say that I am the one that told them what to say. If DDs do it, it is for them. To get what they are feeling out in the open. I doubt it will do anything to WH at all. His belief system has totally changed.

When he and I were talking on Sunday after he brought OW to my house, I made a statement about how we used to be raising our children with the same belief system and had agreed on what was right and wrong. I told him his belief system and changed but mine had not and I would continue raising our children as we had agreed.

We had many discussion about infidelity before we got married because he had old girlfriends that had cheated on him. He wanted reassurances from me that I would not do the same. So we discussed it often. We both made promises to each other that if we were not happy in the marriage, we would do everything we could do make it work, if we could not, we would get out of the marriage before we ever turned to an OP. He says that is not what we discussed, he says we both agreed that if either one of us cheated the M would be over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> That's just stupid.

District Court Clerk called me back today about the final D date that WH said he knew and I didn't. District Court Clerk does not have it scheduled. Sarcastically: I can't believe WH lied to me again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I have posted a calendar at my desk at work...every day I complete a successful day in Plan B I circle the date in red. Gives me a visual for my goal. I just need to take each day as it comes. There are no events for DDs and our visitation schedule is set through March.

I will not be offering an extra time for WH and DDs. The schedule as set is the schedule.



This is true....even though I am calm, WH is not. Just his twist on what we agreed regarding infidelity irked me, he KNOWS better! I would never agree to that....it's like saying it could happen, so if it does here is what we will do. No! My take was it WILL NOT happen. I PROMISED I would not cheat and so did he. That is what I went into the M with. Trust that he would not betray me.

Rewriting history... never! A WS never does that! (insert sarcasm)

Keep up plan B to the best of your ability. No more listening to your STBXH'S rantings if at all possible.

((FNH)) I'm pulling for you that it does get better.

Just keep in mind that he believes a lot of what he's spewing. He has to. He's an alien, remember?. I think these people are that messed up.

That's actually what makes me angry. I think he DOES believe it and it's bull.

I know he has to in order to live with himself but, geez! The crazy things he has said and convinced himself of are just nuts.

Yesterday was WH originally scheduled afternoon with DDs. They did not see OW although they were at OW/WH house. When OW got off work and picked up her DS7, WH and DDs left.

DD13 says she thinks I made him hesitate to bring DDs around OW with all the things I said to him. I don't know if WH said anything or that is just her take from overhearing the conversation I had with him on the phone.

DD13 also said WH apologized for what happened. She didn't tell me the specific things he said, just that he apologized. Is he sorry that he brought OW or is he sorry that I made it an issue?

He also told DDs that "OW is really sorry about what happened too, she didn't want it to be a big scene". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

The scene is already big. The OW is just babbling. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.

Trash, that's all I can say about OW. Pure trash. I'm sure she was playing the "oh, I'm so sorry, WH. If I had known your psycho W was going to act that way, I would NEVER have come. I would have stayed home all by my little self so you could have time with your beautiful DDs. You're just soooo important to me and I want to be involved in every aspect of your life." (gag)

I'm tired and worn out today...no particular reason just life at the moment. I didn't sleep well last night again. On the verge of tears for no particular reason.

Yesterday was Day #2 of complete darkness. Today will be Day #3.

Had argument with DD12 last night. Took her cell phone away for a month. I started at a week and she just kept going until I reached a month. When will she learn just to keep the smart mouth shut?

We ended on a good note, though. I was on the couch watching TV after our disagreement and she had gone to her room (door slam and all). About 1/2 hour later, she came out and laid her head on my lap, I stroked her hair, and it was done. I've never seen her give in so quickly. When she gets mad, she stays that way AT LEAST until the next day, usually longer.

Had to change screen name......WH/OW may have found me here.

Fox

I've never understood WHY they come here??

I wonder that, too. If they don't care and he wants away from me so badly, why bother checking into what I am doing/saying?

I don't know for sure that he is here, but he as made comments twice now about my "little online support group". Mainly when he is mad that I talk to OWH and asking why "your little online support group isn't enough".

I'm not even sure if it would be bad for him to read what has gone on here, but I don't think he would take it at face value. He would twist it to be something devious.

Sorry to hear about your daughter being a teenager and all that requires! Maybe she gave in more easily because she only has you to go to right now. It's a good thing that she does come to you. I used to love to put my head in my mom's lap; she would stroke my hair, it was so relaxing and I felt so loved.

It's good to know mom's still show love in the same old ways...

You are doing so great, and have handled the girls with such grace; good for you!

Thank you, SL. I was wondering, too, if that isn't why DD12 gave in. I'm all she has right now. I don't feel like I am handling things with grace, I feel like I am stumbling every step of the way. There is no defined path. Thank you for your encouragement.

When DD13 was born, she had a diaphragmatic hernia and had to be flown to SLC to the Children's Hospital. She had surgery that night, H and I arrived the next day (they wouldn't let me out of the hospital any earlier). The only place I could find to touch DD13 was her on her temple, the rest of her body had so many bandages, tubes, moniters, etc. I remembered that's what my mother used to do to me and how wonderful it felt.

They had her in a drug indused coma and I was hoping just my touch could comfort her and let her know that I was there.

To this day, both DDs love to lay with their head in my lap and have me stroke their hair. It doesn't happen nearly as often as it used to but still on occasion. It was nice last night after our struggle, that DD12 came looking for that. It comforts me as much as it comforts her, I think.

I am dreading the day that one of them says "fine, I'm just going to live with my dad"

I am dreading the day that one of them says "fine, I'm just going to live with my dad

ewwwwwww. Never experienced this one (because my dad was never there to run to) but I did experience the 'your not my dad, and you can't tell me what to do!' we were the evil stepchildren. It's better to attempt to bring their dad back into the fold, if that is still what you want.

I know you don't feel like you are doing a good job, but you are. You are protecting your children, you are being a PARENT, none of whom are PERFECT.

Just keep stroking their hair. They may not do it as often as they used to, but when they do, POW, mega love bank deposits. My WH used to stroke my hair, and rub my ears. I loved it! Man! I hope I get that again...

It is what I want for them. For me? I just don't know. And I would only want it for them if WH would put in the effort of being a better dad and rebuilding the bridges he has burnt with DDs.



I will do this every chance I get. Although I am the one doing the stroking, I get love bank deposits for it too.

I soooo wish my H would have been affectionate in that way. Years ago he was. We would rub each others backs and write things and the one who was getting the back rub would have to guess what was written. I can't even remember the last time we did that.......before DDs I think. Since I got pregnant with DD13 3 months after we got married...we didn't do if for long. I used to rub his back often but not the same as we did when we first together. And for the past few years, I'd have to BEG to have my back rubbed (even just after rubbing his), and then often wouldn't get it.

H used to get sinus headaches. I would give him face massages to help lessen the pressure. Did that all through our marriage. Right up until the ILYBNILWY speech.

I hope that returns for you, SL. Those little things are what make the biggest LB deposits.

Fox

How funny, I looked and looked for you and you were on the first page all along! If they are here reading, that's really sad. You'd think with them being SO HAPPY to be together and your WH wanting you to "let him go" they'd have better things to do...

I'm glad your DD came to you like that. My DD13 has told me before that sometimes she gets into a brat mode and can't seem to stop herself. Later, she regrets it. It's nice you were loving to her, despite your disagreement.

I'm not certain he/they are reading here. Just a "feeling". A couple of snide comments he has made. I'm not sure if he was mocking me for having a support group or what he meant by it. Either way, I don't want him here right now. I don't want him to know what I feel (or don't feel) about him right now.

I'm exhausted today and have had a constant lump in my throat. Tears just waiting for the right/wrong comment from someone. Yesterday was like that too.



I think this is what DD12 gets into, too. She can't stop herself from getting into brat mode. Then her pride won't let her apologize. I do the same thing sometimes, fight because I am POSITIVE I am right and then have a hard time admitting I may have been wrong.

But there have been times with DDs that I am short tempered because of the situation. I am later able to recognize that I snapped for no good reason and I will go to them and apologize for my behavior and admit that I shouldn't have reacted that way. Probably should have done that with WH when he was H.

Glad you found me, familycomesfirst!

Fox

Things are still quiet. Today is day #5 of dark Plan B.

I went to a conflict management for women seminar yesterday. It was pretty interesting. It is really fun to watch and listen to someone who is really good at public speaking.

During some of the role play (which I HATE!) I met a woman who is having a rough time in her marriage. Husband is an alcoholic and has complained that she isn't giving him enough SF and he's going to find it somewhere else. I told her what a great site this is and how incredible the support is here.

Thanks for the update! Hopefully the weekend will be peaceful too. When does your H have the girls again?