WH had DDs after school yesterday until 7:50 (20 minutes late) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Next week he'll have them Monday and Thursday evening and then will have them all of next weekend.

I would be acceptable to having them come home around 6 Sunday evening but WH wants to bring them back at 1pm. He must be obligated to spend Sunday afternoons with OW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> He says it is so DDs can get ready for school the next day.

Whatever, I'll take them as much as I can get them. His loss, my gain.

I think quiet is good. I hope so, anyway, because things have been quiet for me, too.

Always makes me a little suspicious when WH is quiet. I start looking over my shoulder to see where he is going to pop up next to make a scene.

I am taking DDs out of town again this weekend, going to some hot springs. More rest and relaxation for us. It's easier to get peace when we are not in the same town.

I was just thinking today how awful it would/will be when/if I go into the same restaurant that OW, WH, and DDs go to some night for dinner. Our town is not that big, it could happen. Made me cry just thinking about it. Seeing them as a family unit, me as the outsider.

Glad things are quiet for you, sdguy. It's hard when they are quiet because we think they don't care, but I really believe that is when they have to start seeing reality. No more blame placed on us (or not as easily)

Fox

(((Fox)))

Hope your weekend is great! Treat and pamper yourself and the girls!

Fox,

Taking care of your own needs is essential to healing. You have had so much drama to deal with, I'm sure the silence is deafening, but you will learn to revel in it, and will appreciate the breaks now and then.

I have had the same thoughts; running into my WH with whoever he may be with, while my son is with him, feeling like I'm outside myself looking in. I told my WH that part of the devastation of him having an A is dealing with the fact that he will be with another woman, possibly having another family, when he has a perfectly good one at home, right now. I also told him that it hurts to think of his hands on someone else. HE became angry with me when I brought that up; as if it's disgusting to talk about! Can't say that I don't AGREE with him on this one, it is DISGUSTING to me!

Anyway, enough of my ranting, I'm supposed to be helping you. So, you take it easy. They do see reality when they are away, NOT FULLY, but they get glimpses of it, and that is part of what draws them back. The trick to recovery is maintaining that drive, toward REAL HAPPINESS, not chemically induced, that is most difficult, especially, it seems, during withdrawal. The drug of choice is sitting and waiting for their call, ready to run away with them and take away all of the pain AGAIN.

The other day I put a calendar up at my desk at work that I circle each day I am successful in Plan B. I started this calendar the beginning of this week...then I thought I should complete it, going back to the day I started Plan B and see the progression. I shouldn'ta done that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

All the days of successful no contact with WH are circled in red, pink highlight shows days DDs had contact with OW, green highlight shows my contact with WH (email (even through intermediary), confrontation, sitings,etc)

I should have been in Plan B for 35 days. Eleven of those I had some sort of contact with WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> That ain't right!

I had 5 days of no contact after PBL
Then 4 days of contact (sick horse, kids scheduling)
Then 3 days of no contact
Then 1 day of contact (high school registration)
Then 2 days of no contact
Then 1 day of contact (WH notified me he was going to introduce DDs to OW, argument ensued)
Then 3 days of no contact (one of those days DDs saw OW, I stayed silent)
Then 1 day of contact (email through intermediary)
Then 1 day of no contact
Then 2 days of contact (emails through intermediary, chorus concert)
Then 2 days of no contact
Then 1 day of contact (WH & OW came to my house)
Then 5 days of no contact
Then 1 day of contact (WH brought OW to p/u DDs)
Then 5 days of no contact (up until now)

In my conflict management class we did a personality evaluation. Can you believe I am deeply analytical? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Fox

Just called District Court Clerk to verify no date has been set. It has. March 13 is the new date.

Geesh, a week from Tuesday. I thought it would take longer than that......

If reality hasn't hit WH by then, it sure will at that point.

MrW,

I've printed your post about a prepared statement to the judge. I am going to work on it this weekend so it is in my own words from my own heart. I will post next week for comments.

It may just be a relief to get this over with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Fox

I feel like I was given a 6 week reprieve and pi$$ed it away by allowing contact during Plan B.

Fox

March 13th? Awesome! You do need to get this over with! How was your weekend, everything quiet on the homefront?

I am looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.

Looking forward because I will be able to finally make some decisions and figure out how to go on from here in many ways....and so that WH has to take some responsibility and feel the consequences for what he has done.

Dreading it because once it is done, it is done. No going back. I know the man I once loved so deeply is in that WH somewhere.



Our weekend was pretty good. Started out rough. One of my horses got her leg stuck in something and ripped it up pretty badly. Had to have the vet out and spend more money that I don't really have.

I considered cancelling our plans for the weekend but then decided we deserved it and I would find a way to balance it all out.

Took DDs and my mother to some hot springs. Soooo relaxing! Well worth the trip. We were all up half the night laughing and talking, playing games, swimming, etc. Was really good for all of us.

DDs talked to WH every day. I have had no contact with him for a complete 7 days. Today will be #8.....and counting.

DDs have volleyball tryouts today after school. It is WH's day to have DDs after school until 7:30. DD13 told me WH was going to come watch (as she rolled her eyes). She says NO parents come and watch tryouts.

Came back from the hot springs in time to make it to my grandpa's birthday party... lots of food and family. And no one asked any questions about my situation at all, which was nice.

Good for you on the 8 days of NC! Remember, do not get lured back in, keep your resolve!

Do you find it helping you, Plan B that is.

I do feel like Plan B is helping, bringing the focus back to DDs and myself. Not worrying quite so much about every move WH makes or what he means by what he does, or searching for a glimpse of H everytime I see WH.

I am calmer..not quite so wrapped up in it all.

But I think I am still in withdrawal, too. I go through long periods of being okay and not thinking about H and our life together. But then I have moments like last night where I think about the past and I just cry and cry. Those same old questions come back about how this happened and how did H make this choice? And the fear of the future and how I'm going to get through this without getting myself into the poorhouse and/or the loony bin.

But those panic moments are few and far between and my SURVIVOR instinct kicks back in and pulls me out of my despair. I WILL make it, no matter what WH does or doesn't do. My DDs will have happy and successful lives, no matter what WH does or doesn't do.

DDS and I are a family and always will be, no matter what WH does or doesn't do.

Fox

But I still wonder..........will WH ever regret what he has done and want to be H or is he permanently WH?

I have to let that go and continue as though he will be forever WH. I cannot wait forever for H to reappear.

Fox

{{{FNH}}} It is a tough road, but you are a strong woman, I can tell from your posts. Plan B is good in situations like yours because it allows you to remove yourself from the toxic environment and begin healing. I am so glad it's helping you.

Thank you so much, familycomesfirst. I really appreciate the support.

We posted at the same time! LOL! It's funny you asked that because I almost said your WH will probably regret some of his actions down the road. He jumped from your M to living with another woman, a married one at that with a child of her own. That in itself is not the smartest move. I've always read if you are coming out of an M, you should give yourself at least 2 years to be healthy enough for a serious relationship. Just think, you get to start off free and clear with a clean slate while he's tethered to someone with a lot of baggage related to his M to you. Believe me, it will cause them issues down the road. Trust will be a word they don't have a grip on.

Will he live to regret it? I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about it, if I were you. If he does eventually regret it, his pride might not even let him tell you. Also, if he came back now on his knees, can you honestly say you'd want him back? I think too much has happened, IMO, for you to let him in that easily.

I'm not sure I'll ever have a clean slate. I wonder how to go about not making the next man I am in a R with pay for what WH has done. I don't know how I will ever trust so completely again and not wonder every time he is not with me whether or not he is with someone else.

Even before the A I felt as though my H didn't loved me enough. I didn't feel as though H loved me as much as I loved him. His A only reinforces those feelings.



If he came back on his knees regretting what he has done, I'd consider taking him back. We had family together, one that I dearly loved. If he were ready to make the effort that Recovery would take, I would be willing to make the effort. No, it would not be that easy.

So many things would have to happen and he/I would have to make alot of effort before we got there, but if wewere to do that, I would consider it.

I haven't completely shut that door, but every day gets me closer. The man I have been dealing with since the A is not my H. It really seems as though he has some mental illness that is causing this. Maybe it's my own denial in looking at it that way. But I've known him for almost 16 years and would have never thought he would ever act this way or put his daughters and wife through this.

If the man I knew were to return (with the intent on improving our relationship), I'd want that.

( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> did I really say that?) Looking back over all that has happened, I don't know how I can still feel that way, but I do.

Fox

Fox:
Never posted to you...but now that I'm in Plan B (as of Saturday) I've got more time to check into what others are doing and how they are holding it together. (Actually trying to make sure I am not crazy.)

We are on a similar timeline. D-day for me was 6/28/06, with the PA/EA beginning March 04. He filed on 10/13/06 and our first settlement conference is on April 26.

(I think WH had this idea that as soon as the 6-month minimum date rolls around--which would be April 13--then POOF! We'd be D'd. No negotiations, none of that pesky stuff about property, pensions.)

Anyway, 'nuf about me. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate learning from you and getting some perspective on what this process and on the feelings that you experinence as you go through it all.

Thanks, and good luck to you.

LilSis

LilSis,

You are absolutely NOT crazy! I've felt that way too. So many times. I really struggled with going to Plan B and flubbed it up pretty badly until just recently.

You will get peace, it takes time, but already after only 8 days of no contact with WH I feel better. There are moments still, but not so many. You energy level will return and some of the joy of yourself will return after you are not so engaged in battle. I was incredibly exhausted by the time I went to Plan B (I didn't do it nearly as well as you have)....just THINKING all the time about my situation wore me down.

Then I realized by letting myself get worn down so far, I was causing DDs more distress. I am better able to deal with Plan B now because I look at it as giving my DDs back their mother. WH needs to fend for himself, DDs need mommabear.

DDs and I laughed so hard this weekend. Big belly laughs, laughing so hard we ran out of air, and our sides and cheeks hurt. It has been soooooo long since we have done that. And sooooo good for all of us.

I went off ADs in December because I couldn't afford them anymore. I still having crying jags but in a more controlled way (if that makes sense). I don't drive down the road with tears rolling down my cheeks, or choke up at songs (I can turn the radio back on now). Or all those little things that would take my breath away. I am able to hold it off until I'm in my room alone or in the shower. Often I am able to hold them off long enough, the urge passes.

I wish you all the best, Sis. I've followed your sitch faithfully and admire you so much. Thank you for your encouragement. We will get through this, with or without our Hs.

Hang on to your hope, anything is possible.

Fox