Fox,

I felt EXACTLY like you did

But I think I am still in withdrawal, too. I go through long periods of being okay and not thinking about H and our life together. But then I have moments like last night where I think about the past and I just cry and cry. Those same old questions come back about how this happened and how did H make this choice? And the fear of the future and how I'm going to get through this without getting myself into the poorhouse and/or the loony bin.

But those panic moments are few and far between and my SURVIVOR instinct kicks back in and pulls me out of my despair. I WILL make it, no matter what WH does or doesn't do. My DDs will have happy and successful lives, no matter what WH does or doesn't do.

DDS and I are a family and always will be, no matter what WH does or doesn't do.


This summarizes how I initially felt in Plan B, and you feel even more resolve as time goes by. Yes, you may have a D looming in front of you, but you have the power to remain in Plan B even after D, and heal.

Try not to worry too much about what will happen if you meet someone else. I think the pain of this R will remain with IT. If you move on to ANYONE else (WH, new man, etc) you WILL have learned about your NEEDS and BOUNDARIES, and these are healthy attributes for ANY relationship. You will be A-OK.

You are doing an amazing job. It's good to reflect on the changes in you week to week. To reinforce your self-healing and growth. It's not a bunch of psycho-babble, you will be stronger, better, wiser. We can rebuild you....Wai, did I just slip into the start of Six Million Dollar Man! LOL!!!

About regret from WH, you may not care so much about his regrets later, as you will have detached yourself, and will have let him go. Now, I can say, I am very focused. I want my M, but not at ANY cost, NO CRUMBS. I want a duality. I strive for that. If WH CANNOT do it, then I must go it on my own. I have faith that I will have a loving R again. I'm not worried so much about being alone. I'm worried about losing a great R, and breaking up my family. I only have control of me.

I just want you to know that you deserve Kudos for working so hard. The spring is coming, things will be brighter...

It sounds like you're doing well, Fox, or at least as well as can be expected. I wish it didn't suck so much for you and all the rest of us, but you know that things will get better. You have the right attitude--be strong for the girls. Keep it up.

Thanks, SL. It is so nice to know others have felt what I do. That's why I'm on this forum. For the wisdom of others, to gain knowledge from their experience, and for an outside view on my sitch.



I wholeheartedly believe in this. I said in my post above that I didn't feel like my H loved me as much as I loved him. I've come to realize that he probably did, he just didn't know how to show it....his needs versus her needs. And I may have done the same to him...maybe he didn't feel as though I loved him as much as he loved me although he has never told me that.

It all seems so simple, just meet each other's needs. I have learned so much through this process and believe that ANY relationship I am in will be better because of it.



If? If? If? Please don't say IF!!!! That is one of my biggest fears, not finding someone to share my life with. I have to hang on to WHEN. I want to share my life with someone, grow old together, watch our grandchildren grow, etc. I do not want to be alone. I know I would be okay if I was alone, but I want to come home to someone every night and live our lives together.

I know I need my own recovery after D is final but I have to believe eventually I will find someone to share with.

I know you didn't mean anything by the "if" but that is a bit of a trigger for me. Could you tell? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for the kudos. And spring is my favorite time of year......new growth and awakening.

Fox

She meant when. I bet the if was only IF you have to meet someone because you don't want your WH back.

But I expect that fear is part of your withdrawal and what makes what we're doing so hard. That comfort and sharing has been ripped away from you, and you really feel its loss as you go into Plan B. I suspect it will get easier the longer you go, and you will be more confident in yourself, which will make you that much more attractive WHEN you meet someone (IF you have to).

I share the fear, though, which I think is why I have to fight the urge to go ahead and start looking for someone now.

Oh, sweet fox, I'm so sorry for the 'if'. I sort of meant a when, but didn't want you to think that your recovery wasn't a primary focus.

You are quite YOUNG, and I'm sure beautiful and fun, and you will be stronger and happier WITHOUT anyone. You will be with someone, it's just a matter of who, and if it's not your WH, imagine who you may get to be with....hmmmmm...

No worries, SL. I know what you meant....just struck me is all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Just got off the phone with my lawyer. He says our hearing will not be March 13. He will be out of town. And he is irritated because he spoke with WH lawyer last week and WH lawyer specifically said no date had been set yet.

My lawyer is calling District Court Clerk to figure this out.

That was quick...lawyer just called back. New date is April 3.

Fox

Grrrr... it just keeps getting moved back!

Good morning, all!

You've got to love DDs!! WH had DDs after school yesterday until 7:30. At one point in the evening they were joking around and trying to figure out where to have dinner. Teasing after DDs couldn't agree on a place to go, WH asked if DDs just wanted him to take them home. (interesting how he calls it home to them). DD13 said "geez, Dad, don't you want to spend time with us?" She said it kind of flustered him. According to DD13 this was all said in a light hearted teasing manner. But I think he got the point....

Score 1 for DD13. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Fox

Gotta love them sassy teens! lol

What makes it even better is that it came from DD13. She is NOT usually sassy, especially to WH. I could see DD12 doing something like that...and not in a teasing manner. That's just how she is <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Did anyone get tremors from your sitch? They started for me on D-day and continue to this day. I went on ADs the day after D-day and the dr had told me they could make me shaky, so for most the time I blamed the ADs. But I went off of them in December and still have the tremors. Not nearly as bad, but still there.

Anyone else experience this? I'm sure it's just stress from the sitch but I would have thought they would be gone by now.

Geez, and I wonder why I have tremors.... I just got served at work for DD13 medical bills that have been unpaid. Before WH moved out, I was making sure these bills got paid. Once he moved out, I've just been getting by with the essentials. This particular bill followed him to his new address and he has done nothing about it.

With MT being a community property state, this bill is my responsibility as well. Which means I will have a judgement against me if I can't get it paid. Just one more thing piled on that I have to take care of.

How much do I have to be responsible for while WH is out screwing around? I'm getting so fed up with this. At least the server was kind enough to call me and ask me to come outside. He asked me about WH and what was the best way to serve him (ok, the devil came out in me a little bit). I soooo wanted the server to walk up to him right in the middle of the office and serve him! But I just told the server we are in the process of a divorce and I didn't really know how he should go about it.

DARN!!! I was just thinking.....I should have had him do it after hours at WH/OW HOUSE! Darn!! I just thought too slow!

Oh well, he'll get it one way or another.

I've called my lawyer (who is the plaintiff's lawyer also) to see what I should do.

Okay, I was quicker than I thought. When the process server called me I wrote down his cell phone number. So I called him back after he left and asked if he had WH home address. He did not...so I told him what it was. He is going to try to serve there before going to WH employer.

I SO hope OW is there. Which she should be, she doesn't leave the house very often on weeknights. She picks up her S7 from daycare and then plops herself in front of the TV for the night. What a fun life!

Now she will see what living with WH is really going to be like. She hasn't had to worry about money since she married her H. Welcome to reality. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Fox

Wildhorses,
HEE HEE!
The pains those waywards have to face! Oh What a pity!
I'm so sorry that you had to deal with this!
Cripes! The addict and his HO! YUCK! Hopefully it goes right back at him!!
My Aunt has lived in MT most of her life, MT people are Great People!
Be dark, dark, dark....!

PGA

Thanks, PGA! I absolutely LOVE MT. I've lived in CA for a few years and visited many places. But MT is HOME. Yep, lots of good people. WH is NOT from this state, although he likes to say he is.

Today is day #10 of absolute no contact with WH. I'm strong today. Starting to finally be able to see a future without WH in it, if that becomes necessary.

I feel like I've been hanging on a cliff by my fingernails with all of my strength. Today I know that I could let that last grip go and there will be earth close below to catch me. I may fall and be a bit bruised, but I will not be destroyed.

Today is a good day.

That is such good news wild! Plan B is all about making YOU stronger.

I'm wondering if his lawyer advised him to chill on harassing you. His stunts weren't doing much for his case...

Hi, familycomesfirst.

I've been thinking he just doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I'd forgotten that my lawyer was going to call his lawyer after the last incident and tell him to leave me alone or I would file a restraining order.

His stunts were actually better for MY case. But it also showed me he still thought about me even if it was negative, now I have nothing.

DD13 says he doesn't ask what I'm doing when he talks to her anymore either.

That's ok, let OW fill his days. If this was going to happen, I'm so glad it's with someone like her. I am confident that the A cannot last. If for some insane reason it does last, H/WH will not be happy.

Well, WH lasted 9 1/2 days without trying to contact me again.

I went home from work yesterday with a migraine. WH called my office, called my cell phone, and the home phone looking for me.

When I wouldn't answer his first call, he met DDs when they were getting on the bus at school. DD13 talked to him and he said "oh, are you guys riding the bus today?" (duh, they were at the bus weren't they?).

DD13: Yeah
WH: I wasn't sure because Mom isn't at work.
DD13: I know. She said she went home and will pick us up at Grandma's later.
WH: Oh, that isn't what she is doing. She went to pick up OWH from the airport.
DD13: Oh, well, I just talked to her on my cell phone.
WH: Did she call you from work or from her cell phone.
DD13: I don't know. I could look if you want me to.
WH: Yeah, please look
DD13: She called from her cell phone.
WH: Oh. Well, I just wanted to stop by and give you guys a hug and a kiss.

Then he called my cell phone again. Then two more times blocking his number. I didn't answer any of them. After I talked to DDs I was worried that he may take them (not his day), so I listened to the voice mail. In a very nice calm voice he was telling me that he just found out that my lawyer had moved the date again and he wanted me to look at the list of days that he wanted DDs for April, May, and June.

I had talked to my lawyer 4 times yesterday afternoon also. So much for resting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> WH may not know it yet but we have a negotiation conference with WH and his lawyer on March 20 so there is no reason to discuss this back and forth now. And the dates he is requesting are past the final D date. That will all be settled by then, I think he is just trying to tie me into an agreement and then say "look, BS, as already agreed"

WH was also served with the same papers I was the other day regarding DD13 doctor bills. In his message he was asking that I call him back and let him know when payments were made on that bill. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Find out yourself, buddy! All he has to do is call the company we owe the bill to and find out. He has always expected me just to have information like this at my fingertips. Which I do, but not for him anymore.

I paid these bills right up until he left and I didn't have enough money other than for essentials. When the notices started coming, they came in his name, and I wrote "forward to" on them and sent them to his new address. He must have ignored them. I really hope that OW was there when he got served.

I talked to my lawyer about it and he knows the lawyer who is handling it very well. He is going to talk to that lawyer about splitting the responsibility in 1/2 and than discussing reducing mine in a settlement to get it taken care of. Then my name won't be on the judgement at all. (phew)

My lawyer was the original lawyer on the claim but has since had himself removed since it would be a conflict of interest since he is representing me. So he will talk to the new lawyer and explain the situation and work a deal out. What a relief, that was just one more thing I didn't want to have to worry about. I'm working so hard to keep bills taken care of so this doesn't happen. I don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life. And it would only make the next few years harder as I try to make some changes and hope to move.

I don't understand why he does that stuff to DDs. What is gained by catching them at the bus to tattle on me for something I haven't done? He only makes himself look like an idiot. I had talked to DDs and they knew exactly where I was.

DD13 told me last night that she wished he wouldn't do that. It makes her feel like she is caught in the middle. I told her to tell him that. Say, "Dad, I feel like I am caught in the middle of you and Mom. Please don't ask me stuff about her". I told her to say it nice and respectful and there is nothing wrong with that. WH needs to know how it makes her feel.

Who wants to be met at the bus by your dad when you are in the 8th grade even when life is great?

He also left a message on the home phone, same calm, rational voice asking for the same thing as he did on the cell phone message. Except at the end he said "Please call me back and let me know the answer to these questions. If you don't, I guess I'll assume you are deleting my messages." (defeated sounding voice at this point)

I just don't understand it. I'm attempting to move on.... just like he wanted to do.

Last night was the coaches meeting for volleyball. DDs had talked me into volunteering and I'm really looking forward to it. Should be GREAT fun. Except.....WH is planning on attending EVERY practice and game. He is going to be irritated when he finds out practices are on "his" days. Right smack in the middle of his time. It was not my intention to set it up that way but with the other activities that DDs have, it just worked out that way.

The admnistrator told us to pick Monday or Wednesday first. I had to pick Mondays because DD13 has rodeo competitions on Wednesdays. Monday is WH visitation day. And I had to do it after work so it is set at 5.

Then the administrator said to pick Tues or Thurs, which we will only do for two weeks until games start. I chose Thursday because I didn't want back to back practices of the same event, and Tuesday DD13 practices for rodeo. Again I had to do it at 5 so it could be after work.

So both practices ended up on WH days. I initially felt kind of bad about that, but then changed my mind. Accomodating DDs schedules is part of being a parent. It isn't "his" time or "my" time, it's "DDs" time. DDs shouldn't have to adjust so WH has "his" time exclusively.

Fox

Even with all of this, I am strong today. My mother sent me an email with the following quote. She said when she was going through her D (from my aloholic father), she posted it on her wall to remind of just how strong she was and she knows now that I am strong too. I think we all need that reminder sometimes.

YOU
Are a woman of
Wisdom,
Courage, strength, compassion
& creativity


Go forth, then, with the fire of
Confidence in your heart, kindle it with care
& never let it’s brilliant flame go out!!

Fox