sdguy, glad to hear you are there, too. It's much easier (heartache wise) in this spot than constantly looking over our shoulders waiting for them to catch up...they may never be there.

I think it's what IHC was talking about, only she's worried that she won't be able to find it on the shelf.

I think that is where IHC is at, too. It's hard to explain, you just get to that point when it's right for you. Not on anyone else's timeline.

I've had that same fear that I may not want it when it comes back around. I've realized that's okay, I believe it means there is something better out there that is waiting for it's turn with me.

I've heard many times that everything happens for a reason. At first I blew it off as being placated by others. But I'm really beginning to believe it. If my hopes and dreams with H never come to be, there is a reason and something/someone else will come.

SDguy and Horses,

All of us "Killer Bees" are going to be just fine. Our futures are so much brighter than our waywards.

We're gonna need shades <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I wonder if the difference for me is that I truly believe that my H will want to come back. I am CONVINCED of this.

Because I've talked to MOW H so much, I feel like I know her. She is not someone I could ever imagine H with. Completely different than me....many of the characteristics that H has always disliked. Right down to facial features.

H used to comment on my nose and how small and perfectly shaped it is and that he was glad both DDs got my nose. MOW has a large pointy nose. (no wart, though) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Has also commented in the past about big foreheads...MOW has a very high hairline. DD13 has said it makes her want to reach out and flick it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

She is LOUD, especially when drinking. I always drank conservatively and was NEVER loud, especially in public.

She is self-centered and only cares to sit around watching TV, drinking beer, and smoking cigarettes.

I see him heading quickly down a very unhappy and pathetic existence. DD13 said the other day that he is wasting his life, he has begun to watch TV, drink beer, and smoke nonstop.

I am so SURE that H will be back one day, maybe that is why I feel okay putting it on the shelf until WH is gone and H is back. I'm not thinking about my decision yet, I will do that when the opportunity arises.

I don't know really why I am so sure and confident that it will happen. I just AM. Plan B at it's peak, I guess.

Killer Bees....LOVE it! And yes, we'll be just fine. I like your attitude, chrisner, thanks for hanging with us. We get so far down in the trenches we can't see the horizon anymore. Thanks for giving us a boost so we can see!

What I've heard most waywards say (once they get out of the fog) is that they thought they were in love with the OP, but they were really in love with how they felt, not the OP. It appears that OM is lying to WW and stringing her along, but I don't know for sure. I believe that at some point WW will wake up and see who I am and what I have been doing and realize what a mistake she has made.

If she doesn't, then I pity her and our kids, because it will be a sorry life if she continues down her current path.

I know that I will be happy either way.

You are so right, sdguy. Good for you. Tell me again why I was so worried about going into Plan B.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Your kids will be happy either way too. Because they have you. As your WW is now, she isn't good for you or them.

So if WW doesn't return, they will still be happier with you alone than with a WW in your life.

I'm not sure that made sense...I know what I meant but not sure if it came across right. Bottom line, if you can be happy and WW can't, at least the kids can see you living life and being happy when you are with them. You control your part and give the kids at least one good role model.

Greetings, fellow KBs...

It is so encouraging to hear about your "good place." So you think I'll be joining you there in about five weeks? 'Cause I'm still feeling like I'm looking over my shoulder...darnit!!!

I am also so inspired by your confidence that your WH will want to come back. Where does that come from...just MOW H's input? Or is it intuition, faith? Or if, as you say, it's Plan B at it's peak...bring it on!

You just sound strong and confident...either way. I'm happy for you and find inspiration as I come along behind you in our unhappy little timelines.

Hey, LilSis, thanks for coming over to my thread.

You will find that good place, LilSis. In your own time, when it is right for you. It could be tomorrow or it could be 5 weeks from now but it will come. As much as it felt like it at the beginning of this, our WHs' A is not the end of the world. We will go on and have happy and fulfilling lives.

And I have to admit, I'm not constantly looking over my shoulder looking for WH but I do throw back glances every once in a while, just gauging where he is at. Sometimes after a glance back, I have to roll my eyes and think, geez, how long is it going to take you to to realize I'm getting too far ahead and you'll be left behind?

I'm not sure where the confidence comes from that H will come back. I think it is a variety of things:

1. I know this man. He could not have changed his core overnight. This situation is botherering him, he has dropped so much weight, has chest pains, back/neck hurting, stressed with DDs. If it was truly okay with him, he wouldn't have these things. He'd be happy like he said he would be. He is NOT happy. He does not like her type of woman, she was just willing when he was in a bad spot so he took her. Makes me think little of her and less of him.

2. I was so afraid of not being able to make it on my own. Emotionally and financially. It's been long enough, I've realized I CAN make it. Money is tight but I can make it. When WH has to pay CS that worry will decrease for me and make it even easier. I have a great support system here and in real life. I still get lonely sometimes, but I don't get that desperate feeling that I am ALONE anymore.

3. Yes, intuition and faith. I just FEEL it somehow. I don't know WHEN he will try to return and what may happen at that point but I am just positive he will try. Could be tomorrow or 10 years from now. One day I will see H again.

4. Plan B. The dreaded Plan B that I struggled so hard to stay in. I was still so desperate for anything that WH would give me. Even if he was just calling to yell at me, I still wanted that conversation...at least he was thinking of me then and not her. I felt conflict was better than withdrawal. I am so grateful to not have to do that anymore. It doesn't matter what he says, he isn't H, he is WH and I don't care to hear what WH has to say.

I also felt that Plan B gave me permission to not deal with WH. I don't know why I felt like I needed permission but I did. It helped me realize I didn't HAVE to answer when he called or respond when he emailed me or even answer the door if he showed up. Those were choices I could make and I started to respect myself again. I cannot allow someone to treat like he was. I tried to step away from it and view it from a different angle. If one of my DDs or sister's) H was treating her in the way WH was treating me, what would I suggest, how would my feelings change for her if she allowed her H to treat her this way. That gave me some clarity.

4. MOW H. His thoughts on MOW, his knowledge about what was happening early on in the A before I had a clue, his continued conversations with MOW, and really just him. Talking to him has helped me tremendously. He knows HER and he calms my fears about how my children will be treated when they are at MOW/WH house and how she can never take my place. I don't want them treated badly but I don't want them treated too well, either. Know what I mean? One of my fears would be that WH and DDs would go live happily ever after with MOW. My DDs woud accept her and all would be great with them while I was left out in the cold. MOW H reinforces that it will not happen by telling me what kind of a mother/wife she has been. Not just recently but throughout their marriage.

He talks to her fairly often and asks her questions. Her answers are so typical of a wayward. She thinks she is so special, but she is following the script just like everyone else. The knowledge that she has not filed for D yet helps me too. Is she just lazy or not as committed as WH thinks she is?

And I have to admit, I get some satisfaction that MOW/WH get so wound up about MOW H and I talking. This was NOT part of their plan. WH doesn't say anything to me (Plan B) but MOW just about turns herself inside out. I am glad I bother her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

5. Time. As the days go by, I am getting further away from this chaos and looking for other things to fill my head and time with. What happened has happened. I can't dwell on it or I'll be in a constant state of depression. I HATE feeling that way. I'm strong and I will not allow WH to destroy me. After being out of the depression for a while, I know that I don't have to stay there, I can relapse but it isn't nearly as bad because now I know it will get better.

6. DDs. They need to see a strong woman. They need me to be calm, steady, and happy. I do not want them worried about me when they are with WH. I'm okay, doing what I have to do. They know I would do anything to fix this and not have them go through it. They know WH chose it. They see my boundaries and understand Plan B. They've seen me stuggle but they've also seen me stand back up.

I'm glad I can be an inspiration to you. I have admired you for a long time. I was jealous of your Plan A, but saw how much it took out of you too. I am proud of you, Sis. It will get easier. Plan B will help you. Let it work it's magic.

I am also EXTREMELY jealous of the slap! I sooooo wanted to do that! As you said on your thread, not acceptable but absolutely understandable. When WH and MOW showed up at my house on President's Day, WH was by their car and MOW was standing at my door, banging on it like she had a right to be there. It was just incredible the urge I had to open the door and just give her one good punch and send her reeling off the stairs. OH, how I wanted to! But my common sense reigned, unfortunately. I had already called the sheriff because they were there and it would be a mark against me. Custody of my DDs is everything and I could not risk that. But I wanted to go out there so desperately. I felt like such a chickenchit for sitting in the house waiting for the sheriff. And part of me didn't want WH to see me as a chickenchit. I wanted to FIGHT and show them they could not do this to me, that I would not stand for it.

I so understand it, Sis. Please don't beat yourself up about it, many of us wish we had had the opportunity. You strike me as an extremely intelligent woman and a very emotional one as well. You are worthy of the great life waiting for you, with or without your H.

One of my favorite sayings is "we do the best we can with the what we know at the time, when we know better, we do better" We, as well as our spouses, are getting quite an education through this and will definately do better all the way around in the future. We will at least.

I seem to have rambled on a little bit here...but I think it is because my brain is engaged again. I'm not thinking/speaking/typing on emotions only. Hope I've answered some of your questions somewhere in here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Fox

Today's update:

WH calls every morning to tell DDs he misses and loves them (gag) and to have a good day. Usually he calls DD13 cell phone but she hadn't turned it on yet yesterday (I make them turn cells off at 9pm) so he called the home phone. I saw him on caller id and handed the phone to DD13. They spoke shortly and then DD13 handed phone to DD12 who talked to WH. She finished her call and then laid the phone down. DD13 forgot to pick it up and take it with her so she didn't have her cell phone all day. (I took DD12's phone away from her until this weekend because of her snottiness)

Last night I took DDs to the circus. DD12 tried to call WH on my cell phone but he didn't pick up (probably thought it was me). DD12 left him a message to call her back on my cell phone because DD13 forgot hers at home. He did so 5 minutes later. They spoke for a while and DDs told him we were waiting in line for tickets to the circus.

While we were sitting in the stands waiting for it to start, MOW H walked in with their S7. S7 was never allowed to go to the circus before because MOW didn't like it. They ended up sitting a few rows below us. We said hi to each other. DDs know who MOW H is and who S7 is. S7 knows who DDs are and by association, who I am.

The show was a couple of hours long so we didn't get home until shortly after 9:30. WH had called the home phone a couple of times after 9 but not my cell phone. I sent DDs to bed. WH called the home phone at 9:45, I let it ring. DDs were already in bed.

MOW H called at 9:50 and I answered. MOW had called to talk to S7 before he went to bed and quizzed him about the events of the evening. What he saw, etc. Then asked if he saw DDs and I (since WH knew we had been planning on going). He said yes, they were sitting right behind us. We were not right behind them or with them, we were 3-4 rows behind and to the side, but to a 7 year old we were "right behind" them.

This could have been what started all the calls from WH. In the middle of the call from MOW H, call waiting beeped and it was WH. I still didn't answer. Finished my call MOW H and went to bed myself.

WH called again at 10:15. I answered since I thought he would probably keep calling all night until I answered.

BS: Hello?
WH: Can I talk to the girls?
BS: They're in bed
WH: You just got home
BS: We've been home for awhile, they are in bed.
WH: Fine, bye
BS: (click)

Part of it I think he was checking to see what time we got home so he could write it in his little notebook that I am keeping DDs up all hours of the night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> The other part I think he was irritated that MOW H and S7 were in the same place we were. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> At a circus - in public! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> Give me a break.

For whatever reason, WH and MOW H are keeping the kids away from each other. I don't know what their reasoning is for it, the kids know about each other but are never at MOW/WH house at the same time.

WH began calling the house again this morning at 7:00am. I again did not answer. I told DD13 to not turn on her cell phone until we were leaving on the way to school. WH has been calling and talking with DDs in the mornings while they are getting ready for school. This slows them down and then we are running late. It takes us almost 30 minutes to get to school so they have more than enough time talking to him while we are on the way. DDs had no problem with this. WH called 6 times from 7 to 7:30. He'd call and hang up and call again, and hang up, and call again, etc. GEEZ! DD13 did call him when we were on the way to school. No quizzing about last night. I'm not sure why he was so darn desperate to talk last night and this morning.

Fox

Fox-


Ooops CONTACT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I can only guess how MOW/WH imaginations ran away! They probably had all kinds of senerios worked up about Fox + DDS and MOWH + DS7! How much fun you were all having TOGETHER <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Set his a$$ right on FIRE didn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> LOVE IT!

IMHO, You should have turned the phone and or ringers off and not answered because there was NO EMERGENCY. HE WOULD HAVE BEEN CRAZY- WILD AND UP ALL NIGHT LONG!!! It would have been perfect!
Let him write what ever he wants in his book.
Anyone can much chit up and write it in a book.
He has to be able to prove it though!
Do you have a journal? If not you should.
You and DDs know what you did and when you got home. Thats all that matters!

Hey sorry to here about negotiations the other day.
That must have stunk huh? Gosh whats next?

MB
--------------
"Do-so" is more important than "say-so."

I'm sure their imaginations were just going crazy. The fairgrounds where the circus was held is only a couple of blocks from MOW/WH house so it wouldn't surprise me if they drove down and checked out the parking lot, looking for both our vehicles.

Yup, set his a$$ right on fire! And MOW too! She called her H cell phone 6 times while he was at the circus (music was too loud to hear it ring but he checked later) and 15!!! times at his house from 9 to 9:30. Wow! Someone couldn't control herself!

You're absolutely right about the home phone. I don't like to turn the ringers off for emergency reasons (other family) but I could set it to only ring one time. I should have just ignored it even if he did call all night.

I do have a journal..but I haven't written in it for quite a while. Most of my journaling is done here.

DDs and I know what went on and WH can invent anything he wants to. It's all bullchit. If he brings it up to DDs tonight during his visitation, he'll only make himself look stupid.

Negotiations - yeah, it did stink. My lawyer is out of the hospital and I'm hoping he will call me this afternoon or tomorrow with a reschedule. Otherwise, I'm ready for court.

I'm also waiting to get the sheriff's report from Feb 19. I'm hoping it is written better than the p.i. report. Oh well, anything is better than nothing.

LMAO @ their reaction to you guys being at the circus at the same time.

You guys are sooooo close to divorce, they are living together, and they still freak over you two having any kind of friendship. I still think it has something to do with the fact you two can compare notes on them and that irks them to no end.

I agree with mybad, you should have just turned off your ringer (it's only for one night). You are under NO obligation to answer to him on what you are doing. He lost any privileges like that when he moved in with her.

I'm still laughing... what an obsessive pair they are!!!

WS's are so goofy. I think I need to put that in as a tag line--The actions of WS's would be comical if they weren't so tragic and destructive.

It sounds like you handled everything really well. I'm still uneasy about too much contact with OWH, though. My concern is that WH and OW will be all riled up and it will fuel their "togetherness."

I can see why you answered the phone. Next time you won't. Keep up the good work!

sdguy... I don't think they planned on sitting so close together, it just worked out that way. On the outside it would seem it is fueling their "togetherness" but I am beginning to get the feeling that is a facade.

WH and I are very close to divorce but MOW and her H are not. There is nothing in the works, at all. No legal sep, no divorce, nothing. It will be at least another 6 months after their's even gets started. If one of them filed today it wouldn't be settled until sometime this summer. I don't believe MOW and WH will last that long. Their lease is up at the end of July...I expect a major decision at that time if they haven't fallen apart before then.

MOWH has begun asking her why she hasn't filed yet. She has no answer. She says she doesn't know. He asks her if she is going to. She says she "guesses so, since all we do is fight and argue". She must have forgotten the pesky little reason they fight and argue is because she is in an A!

I think it has to do with us comparing notes but also that they truly think MOW H and I are in a romantic relationship. I think MOW H feeds into this. MOW has recently told her H that she is sure that I will be moving in with him by the end of the year. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

One one hand this is just ridiculous but on the other it ticks me off. Do they really think that I am so helpless that I can't take care of DDs and myself all on my own? We'll just see about that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

MOW told her H recently that the reason she moved in with WH is because she couldn't afford a place on her own. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Why not? I am and she makes a little more money than me.

I think it does fuel their togetherness but not in a good way for them. They get sooo riled up and I can just about hear the griping between the two of them. Each imagination feeding off the other until it is so out of wack that it is amazing that they believe it.

Some of the panic from them I think is that they truly believe that MOWH and I are moving on together and we will be happy forever while their little fantasy land is crumbling. WH thinks I have moved on and he does not like it, I should be home pining for him. And he is desperate that DDs not have some one else in their lives. Well, duh, does he not see that is exactly what HE has done?

Maybe all the junk they have made up has made them see a little bit of reality. Not that I am involved with someone but that one day I will be. He's just facing it sooner than he thought he would have to. MOW is in a panic that I am going to meet her S7, she tells her H that I will be mean to S7 because I hate her. What does that mean for my DDs? She hates me so is she going to be mean to DDs?

I've been at a point lately that I don't care if MOW and WH are pushed together because of what they think MOW H and I are doing. I just don't care. I know the truth and if WH believes otherwise than he is stupid for believing MOW. That is the ONLY place he is getting these stories from.

And no, we didn't plan on sitting "together" at the circus. I spoke to MOW H like I spoke to other people that I knew there.

sdguy, that tag line totally applies here, doesn't it?

Absolutely.

It sounds like you really know what you're doing, and I totally respect it. I'm proud of how well you're doing.

Fox, you are handling everything very well! You now have a solid foundation again. It's good to hear. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

About the contact, you know you could have avoided it, but something compelled you to answer, 'nough said. Let it go to the machine next time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />