Oh Fox...I didn't call him a POS even if the shoe does fit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
However, If do feel he is a lost soul who THINKS he has found his calling.
I can almost see the day he comes crawling back saying "OMG Fox I am sooo sorry! I have made such a mistake" cuz the majority of them do.
The sad part is it usually happens when the BS has moved on....

MyBad

Sorry, MyBad, got my supporters mixed up.

If I just knew when the day might be that he'll even show a slight bit of remorse, I could hang on a bit longer. I know this is asking for a crystal ball and that isn't reasonable, but I still wish it.

I'm letting go.......and that worries and excites me at the same time. I'm excited about the future and what could be but I'm worried that I'm leaving behind my best friend in his greatest time of need. I still want to save him, knowing he can only save himself.

I also worry that I am trying to release him and get away from the turmoil at the time where I should stay engaged and be the most vigilant for the protection of DDs and I. By staying engaged, I know what is going on and can use it to my advantage in court. And that makes me feel like I'm being underhanded....watching him screw up his life and then using it against him.

I'm in a weird emotional place today, not upset but not in my resting place either.

If you don't need to move on to someone else right now (and the majority will tell you you should not) then Plan B is still a good place. You have to run silent, though. Why not stay in a dark plan B? You MAY still recover your M, not with the WS, with your H. Get quiet, hold on tight...

Realize, every interaction you have with WH is providing him a fulfillment (no matter how sick or twisted it is). He is holding on to whatever you will give. Don't give to a wayward; let the chips fall, let the shoes rain down.

Let's say that your H never comes back to the M, but your H reappears and wants to be a better father, your Plan B will allow you healing so that you can THEN facilitate a good R with the kids.

DO NOT HARBOR THIS SHIP! Let it sink. You can't make him a better father, you can protect your girls, but you can't keep them from seeing him AS HE IS. No control is the name of the game. Control how you protect the kids.

Most of all, if you don't relish talking to the wall, then stop talking to the wayward as if he's different. Sometimes, the wall can be more entertaining...

I've been to mediation before, but it was for something else, not a D. Be prepared for outrageous demands from him at first. If he doesn't come out with guns a blazin', you'll be pleasantly surprised. I get the feeling he'll try to throw all kinds of false accusations at you. Remember, the burden is on him to show PROOF POSITIVE of these alligations. I don't think you can just throw around hearsay in court. You need hard cold evidence.

I have the feeling you are pretty prepared for tomorrow. It's been moved like twice now, right? You are more than ready to get this on by now. We'll be pulling for you. Just imagine us as your cheering section.

You are so wise, SL. Thank you for pulling me back around. Plan B for the long haul.

Fox

Fox, you got triggered by your contact with him. When that happens, your guts get all tied together, the raw hurt comes to the surface, and you start to question everything. I was doing it yesterday ("and why would I want to stay in a marriage with this person anyway?" and my mother quite correctly responded "that's not a decision you're making right now"). You might even start to believe the FogSpeak. Don't. Your WH is not your H.

They are digging themselves holes, and it sounds like your WH is maybe starting to wonder whether it's a good idea. To go back, however, would be to accept and own the wrongness of what he did, and that's hard. So instead he digs harder, trying to convince himself that he likes the hole. With some curtains and maybe some linoleum tile, this hole will be a great place to live with the made-up baboon and her son and his daughters (except that they don't want to live there) and . . .

Even with curtains, it's still a hole. Sooner or later, he'll figure it out. I think your Plan B is working. Stay with it. Go dark. Dark, dark, dark.

And if you have the hearing tomorrow, it's going to be extra hard. Be prepared for it. Try not to LB and make DJs. Anticipate the triggers. How will you respond to them? Maybe ask yourself "What would Mother Teresa say?" Be calm, cool, and businesslike.

You can do it!

(((Fox)))

oooo, what would Mother Teresa say, good one.

Like they say in West Side Story, "Stay cool, boy, real cool..." even though you are a girl, doesn't matter, same message.

Is there something that you like to do, some simple pleasure that helps you. Do THAT tomorrow, after the hearing.

Stay away from saying things like, "That ludicrous, ridiculous, outrageous" Don't respond to any attack on your propriety. Stick to facts and don't bring any conjecture into it.

Stay cool, girl, real cool...

THEN IMMEDIATELY INSTITUTE THAT CURTAIN OF DARKNESS. Pull it closed, like an exclusive room in a club. Remeber, you are the place to be, the hippest, bestest, coolest place to be. We all have bad days, yet we all pull through. We will be here...

Fox:
Just read back over about four pages of your thread. We are in the same place emotionally, I think....questioning if the WH is IT now. No more H at all. But getting stronger, too.

My WH seems soooo far gone. And I have no idea what's going on in his head, or what he's doing. I even stopped DS11 from finishing a thought the other day because it was TMI. (I apologized to him later)

I was just saying on another thread that the fog-speak wasn't quite so recongizable until I heard it coming out of MIL's mouth. Think about it. If someone else--someone you weren't nearly so invested in--said the exact same words as your WH, you would probably just laugh in his face.

SD's good at identifying those triggers and calling me on it. I've come to think that a PERFECT plan B = no triggers = peace.

I see being REALLY dark like a buffer zone...no triggers allowed...not even anyone who could come in under the radar and set off a trigger.

Homeland Security is patroling the edges of my buffer zone. I'm going to be vigilant about it now.

Good luck today Wild.

WildH,

Good luck today! I will think of you often. I get my turn in the courthouse next Tuesday.

Be strong!

Hope you are doing well today. Thinking about ya! Cyber hug!

Thank you for checking in with me, everyone. I'm doing ok. A little apprehensive but also ready to get this done. I'm tired of him trying to yank me around.

I talked to him yesterday because I had to put his horse down...and, of course, he was a jerk. Today should be great fun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It will be nice to know what he is after, though. Custody-wise, especially.

Fox

Fox, I'm sending you all the strong, serene, confident vibes I was storing up for my own hearing today. Good luck!

Hey Foxy lady! WE are all here for you. I know it doesn't change the slings and arrows that you must suffer, but we will listen and talk you down.

Final hearing changed again....June 6 or 26

Well, the first mediation is over with. Although I wondered if it was even going to begin. When my lawyer and I first walked in, WH lawyer met us at the door and said he didn't think this was going to be very productive and maybe we should put it off for a while. My lawyer said lets go ahead, it may be more productive than you think.

WH is a putz. Wouldn't even sit in the same room with me. My lawyer kept running between WH and his lawyer and the conference room where I was. Laughable, really.

Bottom line, is I caved. My lawyer thinks it will work against me to not let WH have DDS every other weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I REALLY didn't want to. But I have to look at the big picture. If a judge thinks I am keeping them from WH, he could end up getting more time. AARG~!!

Part of my lawyers reasoning was give it time before the final hearing to generate problems. WH lawyer is going to request that DDS talk to the judge...my lawyer thinks by giving them time with WH they may realize they don't like it there (or do). But morally it just bugs the heck out of me.

I guess I have to let go to a certain degree. DDs know this situation is wrong and I have only so much power and ability to protect them from it. Every other weekend was coming eventually anyway, I might as well use it to my advantage. This way too, it is something I gave, not something he took. Small comfort, but a little just the same.

We agreed on some items that he can have. Disagreed on others. He left PISSED, although I didn't see him at all, I did hear him in the other office. Why was he pissed? I got nothing out of it, I gave in. He got DDs more and is still not paying ANY child support. He just wants his kids NOW. He's hanging himself all the way around. Hanging me too, though. Another couple of months of the financial scramble.

This really needs to just get done.

Fox

Why no CS?

Fox, you did fine. You knew that this was coming, and there is only so much you can do. Your DD's have said that they would like to have overnights with WH, so they know what will be.

You didn't cave, you did what you had to do, and I, for one, believe you've got guts and WH DOES NOT! Geez, a room apart, what a maroon! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Maybe next time, you guys can give the lawyers walkie-talkie's and just stay home... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think it's good for you that he wouldn't be in the same room, all things considered. You sound strong and like you handled everything really well.

The every other weekend thing does suck, but I think you're right that it was inevitable. And I understand completely the difference between giving it up and having it taken away--the thought of having something imposed on me by the court is what was making me so nutty and why I'm happy to have a continuance.

It's okay that he's angry, but don't do anything to make him angrier. It must be tempting to tweak him right now, but staying in a dark Plan B will be harder on him (and more effective).

I think you did really well.

Thanks, guys. The whole thing just irks me. It all seems to be in his favor right now. He's dumped everything on me and is legally allowed to do it. And I just have to take it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Love this, SL. I'll have to suggest it.

I just left a message for my lawyer to get me the new final date, WH property list from yesterday, and child support. WH property list was pretty stupid. He wants the snowmobile he bought me a few Christmas' ago. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> And he listed "vehicle fluids" from the garage.

When I went to pick up DDs after work, DD13 told me that WH had called and told them about the new schedule. DD13 told me I should have fought to the very end. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> I tried to explain why it happened the way it did. She isn't totally against every other weekend. But is EXTREMELY unhappy with an every other holiday schedule. She would prefer to celebrate holidays with one parent the day before (or after) the actual holiday and then the other parent on the holiday. I'll have to see how I can work that in. And see what I can get out of DD12 about what she wants.

DD13 said she is concerned that if I'm doing something she wants to do that she won't be able to do it with me if it is "his" day. She's probably right. I doubt he'll let her come with me on his day. If he was doing something she wanted to do with him, I would allow it...even on "my" day. I just hate this. How unfair to the kids.

He is angry. I don't know what the $%@$%#%&J^ he's angry for. He chose this, he's getting what he wants. What is there to be angry about?



I don't know how to look at this in my sit. On one hand I feel like it should have to be imposed on me by the court, that I shouldn't give in. I feel like I'm saying it's okay and showing DDs it's okay and normal by letting it happen. I feel like I should have fought until I was forced. Kind of blame my loss on the court because they only go by law not by morals.

But I also don't like the idea of the courts telling me I have to give in.

Does that make any sense? I guess it doesn't matter how I look at it, either way I lost my DDs for every other weekend. Now I have to sit back and wait for the court to decide and see how badly I messed up.



I felt I handled it well, too. I was actually in a pretty good mood and was able to laugh with my lawyer over WH stupidity. I build myself up pretty good before having to deal with WH and I was prepared not to let him get to me. I think I would have done alright if he would have been in the same room. The more he acts like an idiot, the better I look when I stay calm and steady. (and the better I feel too) I don't need to lower myself to his level.

The problem with building yourself up to get through something is eventually you have to come down. After talking to DD13 the first time last night, I really felt like I screwed up. The 2nd time we talked about it I felt better. She's okay with the weekends, just not the holidays. And is worried about not being able to do things with me.

I'm trying to not let it bother me that WH thinks he "won". And is likely to win more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Fox

Maybe your lawyer can use his walkie-talkie to direct an air strike. When the F117 is done at Infidel Hotel we can redeploy to Montana. Split the bill?

There is only so much you can do legally with the kids. You stick to the high road as we all know you will and your kids will stick to you forever. It is not all about today. It is about their high school dances, sports, proms, high school graduation, college, weddings and someday your grandchildren. It will always be a marathon and never a sprint.

Last night DD19 told me that she knows that I will always be there for her. That’s when you know everything will work out great. That is true victory for your heart.