Hey foxy lady,

I think it will be good for you to have the remainder of your WH's things out of the garage. You will not have to look at them, and be sad or angry, whichever emotion is ruling you at the time.

I hope all goes well, and I hope your DD13 has a great slumber party with her friend.

Let the ripple pass; it is better to just get his stuff out, have him deal with HIS problems.

Good idea to video tape beforehand and leave a voice recorder going. That way you have some evidence. Maybe video a copy of the newspaper so you have date of reference to show when the video was made when you are making your tape.

Does he still have a key to the house that works?

BTW, what movie do you plan to see? I want to take my 13 yr old DD to see Shrek 3. I loved the first two.

Be prepared for what you could hear. He is still a committed wayward and any recorded conversations that have you in it as a topic will likely be mean and cold. Plan B is to help preserve the remaining love and believe me these recordings can be tough to listen to.

I have my own recording from the night Wayzilla moved out talking to MIL and idiot BIL. There is some vicious fog talk in there. I only listened to it once and the memory of it tends to harden my resolve. Any time I felt weak in Plan B all I have to do is think about the nasty things she said about me and I am good and strong again.

Oh, Chris, I can't imagine hearing that. It was bad enough, for me, to intercept a few emails between WH and OW#1 about how much they wanted to kiss while at our 4th of July party, and how he watched her cars tail lights as she drove away, longing to be with her, and not at the house with me. Another email about how unfortunate he was for having to seal the deck with me, he was just so sick of it. Man, I hadn't thought on those for a long while.

It's okay to think on them, and I did often while in Plan B; it did help me to stick to the plan, because my HUSBAND was never cruel to me or about me. He used to be very proud of our R, and said so. Those emails were so not him.

If I had to hear him audibly saying those things, I think it would have been seered on my memory. Maybe consider only listening if something isn't right, askew or gone.

I thought about you on Saturday Wild. I hope everything went okay and you and the girls had a nice day.

Thanks for checking on me. Got through it. One more step towards finished.

I stayed home sick on Friday. Guess who showed up? Yup, WH. Said he had tried to call me (I must not have heard the phone because I checked later and he had called from his friends house). His friend was with him and he asked if he could take his car (had to be hauled). PULEEEEEZE, take the car! Ugly little piece of chit ruining my view.

He did not come to the door...I assumed he was just going to take what he wanted...so I stepped outside. Didn't say a word until he spoke. His tone was almost kind ? I told him "sure, no problem, go ahead and take it" and returned to the house. It took a few minutes but he took it and was gone.

After picking up DDs from school and heading out to my mother's to take care of the horses, I drove by his house. That ugly piece of chit car is sitting next to his ugly piece of chit camper. He drive an ugly piece of chit pickup and has a decent pickup parked in front of the house that is not driveable. Bab's has to love that! NOT!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He had emailed me on Thursday telling me he was coming to get his stuff out of the garage on Saturday. I had asked him what times because DDs were having friends over and I didn't want him there when they were. He had told me he was going to be there on Saturday and would continue hauling until he was done. I left a message for my lawyer before responding to WH on what the best way would be to set perimaters for when he could be there and what I could do if he didn't leave when I asked.

My lawyer didn't get back to me until Friday when I was at home and couldn't email WH back. So I didn't get a chance to tell him beforehand when he had to leave by. But he did know beforehand that I wanted him to leave before we picked up DDs friends.

So.....
I woke up at 5am...checked to see if WH was there...nope
I woke up at 7am...checked to see if WH was there...nope
Looked out again at 9am to see if WH was there...nope
Looked out again at 10am to see if WH was there...nope

WH didn't get there until 10:30am, with a huge u-haul truck. He usually has access to his employer's delivery truck but didn't bring that. When we have moved in the past, we usually have a "crew" from his work. Friends that are willing to help out. It was only WH and his best friend.....the one that helped him lie to me to cover his A. (you can take that "A" as affair or a$$, they both apply)

Anyhow, he pulls up, opens the garage door and starts moving a few things around. I go out.....and stand there for a moment until he turns to me.

I told him nicely that he needed to be finished by 2:30 because DDs friends are coming over. He looks at me for a moment and says "I'll try" In a kind voice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I said kindly "no, WH, you need to be done by 2:30" Again in the same oddly kind voice he said "when can I come back" (which makes my heart skip a little even though he didn't mean it to be "when can I come back to you?").

Matching his tone, I told him he could come back after 1pm on Sunday and stay as late as he needed to. Still with the weird, kind, voice he says "but I only rented the u-haul for one day". I said, "that is not my problem, WH" He said "ok". I turned and went back to the house.... and occassionally looked out the window to see him taking the rest of "him" away.

It was just so odd. Writing it here it doesn't sound so, but the tone was just strange for this conversation. The tone felt like we were speaking deeply to each other...one on one..heart to heart....like we SAW each other. Quietly, carefully, with meaning. But the words did not match. I wish I could describe it better....

But then....he left around 1:30, a full hour before I had asked him to. But left things in the garage....empty jugs, garbage, oil spill, motor parts. And his mother's old couch and china hutch that neither one of them want anymore, so "gave" (dumped) to me.

He did not come back on Sunday at all.

The one thing that confuses me that he left was his dad's old train set. His dad died in '95 (our daughters were 1 and 2 years old). He used to LOVE to set up that train set for his grandkids. Odd that WH left it, although it was never set up by WH after his dad died. I will keep it for DDs if it doesn't come about that WH wants it. I'd offer it to MIL but she doesn't even put up a Christmas tree anymore.

Saturday night after WH had been there, I had a really hard time sleeping. Went to bed around 1:45am, woke up about 3:30 and didn't get back to sleep until close to 6. Nothing in particular going through my head, just out of sorts.

He looks so thin......but maybe I just haven't seen him in a while. Maybe that's how he always was.

Part of me (a BIG part) wants to take all the chit he left in the garage and deliver it to his front yard. Another part of me wants to just let it be...not let him know he made ANOTHER ripple. He is trying to bother me by leaving that stuff for me to take care of. But it feels like I am letting him use me by taking care of it AGAIN. I dunno.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I don't know if I posted this but he did send me another check for child support last week. So...he paid April's at the beginning of May and then May's in the middle of May and might pay June at the beginning of June (to show judge). That leaves him VERY tight financially. He also gave Bab's $515 towards the beginning of the month for his share of the bills. He is WAY broke, I'm sure. Hardly enough to cover smokes and gas. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Bab's H still gets all her bank statements at his house and he is on her accounts. Again this month, she spent over $3,500 of her savings. She is down to less than $5,000, when she went into this R with savings of over $15,000. And she must have changed her dependents on her W-4 as her employer is taking out an extra $100 every payday. OUCH...

Her parents have passed away and she is barely talking to her sisters anymore. They have not seen her son in 6 weeks, the last time her BH took them there.

Rock bottom is getting closer and closer and closer. Can we say SA-LAM! We'll see if they lay crumbled at the bottom or if they make the bounce back.

Interesting conversation with DD13 about what she plans on telling the judge she wants for visitation.....

Babs Goes Into Business!

It sounds like you did pretty good Cowgirl. Don't lose to much sleep reading anything into what he says or does. You know the drill.

What is she doing with the money? That's amazing.



Drum roll.................

You and your cliff hangers!!! lol

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

DD13 and I were in the living room alone together, just talking in general, not about WH. DD13 speaks up and says, "I think I know what I want to tell the judge if we have to talk to him. Even though, I don't really want to go to Dad's every other weekend, I think I'm going to tell the judge that I want it to be just like it is now. And when I start driving, I'm not going to go there for evenings during the week just to visit." Currently, the schedule is two evenings during the week and every other weekend with WH. I asked if that would change in the summer or if that is just how she wants it. She said that is just how she wants it always...not just during the school year. She does not want to spend every other week there like WH is asking.

I hope she has enough courage to actually tell the judge what she wants. I think she will...especially since it is still 5 weeks away. They still have a holiday to get through and Father's Day....

DD12 was very loving this weekend. Hugging me, joking, being playful. It was so nice. I still need to talk to her about what she feels she would like for visitation.

They may change their minds, too, once Bab's is out of the picture.

I got a little giggle this weekend... DD12 and I were in her room singing karoake and DD13 was in the living room watching TV. DD12 and I finish up and I came out to check on DD13. Know what she was watching? Baboons! hahaha ..and it was eaten by an alligator! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Made my day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

This song has struck a chord with me since the beginning of last summer.

Artist/Band: Walker Clay
Lyrics for Song: Then What
Lyrics for Album: Rumor Has It

Well I got a good friend who's got a good life
He's got two pretty children and a real nice wife
But he never seems quite satisfied
I said I know what's on your mind
But you better think about it before you cross that line
The grass aint always greener on the other side

Then what, what you gonna do
When the new wears off and the old shines through
And it aint really love and it aint really lust
You aint anybody anyone's gonna trust
Then what, where you gonna turn
When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn
And fate can't wait to kick you in the butt
Then what

Well I aint saying that looking's a crime
Well I've done my share from time to time
It dont mean that you gotta take that leap
When you're standin' on the brink
Before you jump you gotta step back and think
There's price for ever promise you dont keep

Then what, what you gonna do
When the new wears off and the old shines through
And it aint really love and it aint really lust
You aint anybody anyone's gonna trust
Then what, where you gonna turn
When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn
And fate can't wait to kick you in the butt
Then what

Do want you want, do want you wish
It's your life but remember this
There's bound to be some consequences
Sneaking under other fences

Then what, what you gonna do
When the new wears off and the old shines through
And it aint really love and it aint really lust
You aint anybody anyone's gonna trust
Then what, where you gonna turn
When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn
And fate can't wait to kick you in the butt
Then what

DD13 was talking to her friend on the phone on Friday and they were discussing going to the movie on Saturday. DD13 told her friend that I was going, too. (I wasn't planning on sitting with them).

DD13's friend was all excited and said "how come your dad cheated on your mom? She is so nice!"

ummm....DD13 didn't know quite how to answer that one.

wildhorses,

It has been my experience that the older the kids get, the more they KNOW and UNDERSTAND who did what to whom, and who was there for them and who was not. My kids were 12yo and 9yo when my exH's left us all for his wistress, and 16yo and 13yo when our D was final. It didn't take them too long to realize who was faithful and who was not, nor did it take them long to realize who was the parent that took care of them and who was not.

Kids are AMAZINGLY smart. Does that mean you should tell them everything "from your adult point of view"? No!! But they figure it out for themselves pretty quickly if you stay consistent.

Good job and keeping it together when WH came to get his stuff. And BTW...we do know what you mean about the talking. For a long time you and your H "spoke your own language" as a couple--like there was body language and secret words you used and stuff. I suspect on Saturday he was using the body language (eye contact a certain way) that USED TO be your language together. He was trying to have his OW and yet have you keep his stuff cuz it's an eyesore and OW doesn't like the white-trashiness of it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Your faithful friend,



CJ

Ouch. That's certainly another potential trigger. Depends upon how strong you are.

You're strong.

"Then what, what you gonna do
When the new wears off and the old shines through
And it aint really love and it aint really lust
You aint anybody anyone's gonna trust
Then what, where you gonna turn
When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn
And fate can't wait to kick you in the butt
Then what"



I particulary like that part of the song you posted. It's so true!!

If your WH is feeling twinges of regret and uncertainty over what he's done, I'm pretty sure he feels he's burned his bridges with you at this point. As much as you'd like your H to return, realistically it would be hard for you guys to just pick back up again. He'd have to court you like your R was brand new.

And... isn't it annoying how he just left the mess for you in the garage?? How lazy can you be?!! I bet Babs would have made him clean it up, and then wash his hands for 5 minutes.

I think it is SO wonderful that you and your DD's have such a good R. They need at least one of their parents have their best interests at heart. They SEE that you are in their corner. They see their dad as being pretty selfish at this point in time.

More than likely, your DD13 will speak her mind, she has a vested interest in doing so if she really doesn't want to spend that much time at Babs place. And they FEEL the fact it's Bab's house. They don't see it as their dad's place. He's shackin' up at HER house and that just adds to their discomfort over visiting him. Well... I'm not telling you anything you don't already know!!

Anyway, I'm proud of you for how you handled this weekend. Pat yourself on the back!!

He didn't want me to keep his stuff...he's acted like I've been keeping it hostage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I can just imagine how much Bab's is having to suck up....this stuff will bug the beans out of her. DDs were at his house last night. He's invaded "her" house with a bunch of stuff that I didn't want in my house because it is "white trashy". Like an old Black & White bottled that is on a cradle....Bab's S7 likes to make it swing back and forth.

He's making it look like a bachelor pad with all his old empty alcohol bottles on display. They were always in a box in the garage at our house.

There is so much more that he took to their house that I'm certain she won't like. She may be putting up with it now, but I doubt she is really agreeing with it all.

You are sooooo right with this. They absolutely feel like they are "visiting".

Thanks for the reassurance that I did okay this weekend.

How well did Babs keep her house when she was with her H?

His "guy pad" Bud commercial personna could well be killing her. But he has to know that. Is he sabotaging himself?

She kept it pretty well. She likes high end, expensive things. She allowed very little "man" stuff. Her BH was expected to do 50/50 housework...and she would say when it was done.

I think he is sabotaging himself. Big time...and doesn't even realize it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Or he knows she doesn't like and is doing it anyway because it's "his" house, too. Either way, "they" lose.

That would support some of the unexpected demeanor he displayed this weekend. Very interesting. The battle lines are being drawn I think. Stay very dark because I think something is going to happen pretty soon. Don't be a target, the shells are about to fly.

Thanks, chris. Here's hoping so. In the spirit of Plan B, I am not going to say or do anything about the stuff he left in the garage and the fact that it is a mess. And YES, it bugs me. But I won't let him know that.

I'll let it sit (my truck is too big for the garage anyway) and deal with it through the lawyers later.

I hope you're right, and the shells are about to fly.

Hmmmm...let me think when the next time I am required to see him will be..... should be tomorrow because DD13 has a competition. But it has been raining and is supposed to continue all week. It will probably be canceled.

The next DD transfer is Thursday, but I will again be in the store so he doesn't see me at all. So probably the next "fix" of any kind he will get is Wednesday at DD13's competition, if weather is good.

Thanks for keeping me on the path.