Don't know what state you are in but in my case it most certainly was an issue and OM was warned not to be around son during the separation and leading up to the D.

Well, things have been quiet for a while....went a whole 13 days without him trying to contact me. I knew this one was coming, however. With yesterday being the last day of school, I knew he would try to mess with the visitation schedule. DD13 wants to keep our current schedule. DD12 is still undecided (or unwilling to say). I'll probably need to talk to her tonight and get a firmer understanding of what she wants.



"where they are with us?" us? us! He's such a jerk. Is he really this stupid or is he poking on purpose? Right now, I think he is just stupid. Forcing the "us" because it isn't so "us". She doesn't like them and they don't like her. He keeps forcing and it is only going to get worse. okay.....after looking at that line a couple of more times, maybe he meant "us" has in him and I. As in trading back and forth between us. I'm at the point that I always think he means the worst.

He was picking them up from school, now that school is out it looks like he is expecting me to bring them to our transfer location. Which I cannot do. I can't (and won't) leave work twice a week to accommodate him. I would have to drive 40 miles from my office to home and then back to XXXX and then back to work. He could just go pick them up at home which is 10 miles from where he works.

I have not yet responded to him. I forwarded his email to my lawyer asking what I can do if he just keeps them. Tomorrow is his next visitation day and it would not surprise me at all if he just tries to keep them through next Sunday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Once I hear back from my lawyer I will respond, I'm intending to send the following depending on what my lawyer says.

"WH, the schedule needs to remain as it is until our final court date. You may still pick them up at 2:45pm on Thursday. I am unable to take them to XXXX for you to pick them up. You had decided that you would pick them up after school, now that school is out, you need to make other arrangements. The schedule for this weekend will stay the same also. That is from 2:45pm on Friday until Sunday at 8pm at our usual meeting place."

or I could simplify it and just say:

"WH, the schedule needs to remain the same as it is until our final court date"

I'd like to not respond at all...but a judge wouldn't look kindly on WH asking to work out a schedule and me not responding. I'd like to tell him that DDs don't want to be with him every other week, but then he'd just confront them and they don't need that. And it would give him more justification for keeping them since he "didn't know because BS wouldn't respond so he just did what he thought was best"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Ah, well, I'll just wait on my lawyer. I sent him an email and then left him a voice mail.

I think you are going the best route right now by consulting your A. It is best to keep things as they are until court... IMO at least. I hope your lawyer responds quickly!

And you are right... he is trying to force an R between DDs and Babs and it will blow up on his face.

So, not to suggest that WH isn't a total d!ckhead, but my guess is that when he said "us" he meant you and him rather than Babs and him. Being careless with language like that is one of the dangers of communicating by email.

You're handling it exactly right by checking with the attorney. And I like the shorter response.

Talked to my attorney late yesterday. He said stick with as is and if WH keeps DDs we will immediately go to the judge. It would be to my benefit if WH does that.

It would be to my benefit, but what about DDs? They don't need that stress.

If WH keeps them, going to the judge is my only recourse. My attorney says we could go to the judge now but he doesn't want to unless we absolutely have to. If we wait a little longer and let WH continue being stupid, it's better legally.

It's so hard to balance the legal issues and the real life day to day issues. It seems legally, it doesn't matter that my daughters are being put through this and it is just the way it is. In real life.....it sucks. Every day we have to deal with the new lives that we didn't choose to live.

This morning I've had a few more email exchanges with WH about this (all CC'd to my lawyer). He's actually being fairly reasonable and decent. No snide remarks. (sdguy, I do think he meant "us" as in him and I. I'm hypersensitive to anything that he says and jump to assuming he meant the worst).

I was worried once I told him I would not do the week on, week off schedule that he would blow a gasket. But he didn't. I nicely said that schedule needs to remain as it is until it is decided at the final court date. I did, however, agree to him picking them up earlier than 2:45 on his days. I agreed to drop them off at his mother's house on my way to work. They will be able to see Grandma and cousins there. WH may or may not leave work early to get them from her house. I checked with DDs before I agreed as I really feel they need to have a say. They were okay with it.

We aren't quite done ironing out the details yet but I also asked him for confirmation that he is prepared to bring them back to me at 8pm tonight, he'll have them again tomorrow, and then drop them off at 8pm on Sunday. He has not yet given that confirmation and I don't really expect him to.

Doesn't really matter if he does confirm or not. He might say now that he will and then not do it later. Actions...not words. I'd just like the confirmation for my attorney. (and to ease my mind some. Even though I know I can't trust what he says)

Thanks for your thoughts, sdguy and fcf.

You are doing the best you can all things considered. Asking you to make adjustments to visitation when court is right around the corner is silly. Also, I think if you did agree to the week long visitation schedule it would look like you are okay with your WH's living arrangement.

I personally would hate to not have to see my kids for a full week at a time. Too me, since he chose to move out and live with his married GF he needs to make the sacrifices. He doesn't get to see them as much because of his foolish choices. THAT is not your fault.

That's exactly how I feel, fcf. He chose this, DDs and I did not. He needs to make the adjustments and the sacrifices.

I don't know if he plays "poor me" to play me because he thinks he can still pull at my heart strings (and he can) or just because he feels sorry for himself.

In the last email he was telling me that he is willing to have DDs go with my family if they ask but that he has DDs so little, it is hard to give up his time with them. Boo hoo...he should have that of that before he CHOSE to walk out and leave them for at the very least 1/2 of the time. DDs and I did not chose that AT ALL.

There is no way I would ever agree to not seeing DDs for a whole week. I will fight tooth and nail on that.

That is what Bab's and her BH are doing so I'm sure WH thinks that is perfectly logical. The difference is Bab's doesn't want her son full time. I want my DDs every moment I can have them.

I think we got the visitation finalized now. He did agree in the last email that he would bring DDs back tonight at the designated time and Sunday at the designated time. We'll see if he follows through. I've got it in "writing" now. And he knew full well that I was cc'ing my lawyer every time I responded.

We'll see if he sticks to it now.

I've got my fingers crossed for ya Wild!

"The difference is Bab's doesn't want her son full time. I want my DDs every moment I can have them."

Real mom of the year material babs is huh? What a loser your WH decided to shack up with... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I think that was part of the problem, fcf. I am/was a good mom. I think H felt left out. So he found someone that wasn't focused on her children. She has sacrificed her DS for WH. In the end, H won't respect that.

There needs to be a balance between the two of us. I would have dearly loved spending time with just H. He never initiated and the few times that I initiated, I felt like he didn't really want to be there. So I went back to focusing on my DDs. And he went on his way....... independent of each other. He didn't want to do the things DDs and I were doing so he went off on his own. He became an outsider of the family and I didn't know how to draw him back in. I still don't know what I should have done. We wanted him, he just didn't want us. He was always invited, but declined.

Sounds like a self imposed exile to me...

I'm amazed how many couples have trouble because of this. It is usually the man that can't handle no longer being #1 and gets jealous of the attention the kids get. I feel like saying, what are you, 5 yrs old???? They don't need that level of attention forever. Pretty soon, you'll be lucky to even get their attention! (the kids that is)

Hi Cowgirl,

I am behind on everything right now. I need to catch up on your thread. Thank you so much for your support to me and DD19. It means the world to me. Now for some heavy forum reading! Be back soon.

Hiya Wild! Any luck with staying dark this weekend?

Hey foxy, hope all went well with the child dropoffs this weekend.

I hear the sadness and anger in your posts about your family and what your WH CHOSE. You are dead on with that assessment. HE CHOSE THIS.

I'm with you on the visitation schedule, too. I would hate to go an entire week without being with my son, and *I* didn't CHOOSE to leave him, PWC did. I know that PWC expressed how much he really, truly missed DS when he was gone, and this is part of the reason he did return home. I hope we can perservere and expand those reasons for him returning. His kid's been thru enough...

Friggin' triggers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

DD exchange when smoothly this weekend. NC with WH at all.

But.....

a friend of ours that I REALLY wanted to contact and renew our friendship with dealt me a big blow this weekend.

This weekend was WH weekend with DDs. DD12 called me Friday to say goodnight. And told me that R and M and their three boys were there and everyone was having a great time. One of the boys (9 years old) yelled "Hi, BS!" when he realized it was me on the phone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I could barely finish the conversation with DDs. I was broken down and kicked, and stomped on all over again. Here were "our" friends hanging out and having a good time with the waywards. I felt again like I was so easily replaced. Like I didn't matter...there was someone else there to fill my spot and no one even noticed.

The next day they all went on our friends' boat.

I decided to give M the benefit of the doubt and emailed her this morning. Who knows how the get-together transpired. M's husband (R) works with WH and was one of the recipients of the exposure email I sent. M now works for WH. I don't want to make her uncomfortable but I do want her to know that I value our friendship and would like to continue it.


It frustrates me to no end that WH chose this, yet it is Fox sitting in the dust alone.

Fox

Oh, Fox, this [email]d@mn[/email] infidelity train just keeps a rollin'. None of PWC's friends called, emailed or attempted to help while all h3ll was breaking loose in my life. I had expectations that were dashed over and over. I don't really look forward to seeing any of them. PWC doesn't understand this and always says "Well, they were MY friends, why would they help YOU." I know he's right about HIS friends, I guess I just had more faith in people. A little of that is lost now, too.

I think your email got right to the point. You want to rekindle the friendship, but only if both parties are very willing. I guess it's hard to be outside of a situation, and trying to understand it.

I'm sorry for your triggery weekend. That really bites

Ohhh...I know how that feels:

Like more betrayal.

Where's that karma bus? I swear it's broken down somewhere.

(((fox)))

Ouch... {{Wild}}

I've got Rin's mechanic working on it. We're gonna roll over some people when we get it running again.

Hang tight. It's gonna be a bumpy ride, you know, b/c we're rolling over waywards and stuff.

Now go watch the anchorman bloopers on SD's thread.

make you feel better

Thank you so much for the support. Yes...absolutely another betrayal. I was a puddle of tears again on Friday night. Taken right back to the beginning of this mess.

Tell me again that WH and Bab's won't work, that they CAN'T be happy "together forever". I don't necessarily want him back, but my ability to move forward and heal is partly hinged on the fact that I've been positive that WH will crash. I do not want to believe that this may actually turn out well for him. And it is looking like it just might......