OMG, princessmeggy, that is HILARIOUS!

LG and meggy will not steer you wrong Fox. LG is so good at this, it's insane.

The biggest part of Plan A that I had a problem with was changing ME, despite what PWC did. It's tough, but you can do this.

HOW do I do that when he is living with Bab's? I have very little opportunity to see him, let alone talk to him.

Do you have any suggestions on how to get that started? I don't know him anymore so I don't really know how to rock his world.

Fox

Fox, if you've read my story, you'll know that my FWH was also living with OW. I didn't know ANYTHING about MB and I did all the WRONG things and he came home anyway (had to be a God-thing). If I had known about Plan A, I would have done it in a heartbeat and I KNOW he would have been home sooner.

In your case, you DO know about it and if there's the slightest desire in your heart to restore your marriage, why not do it? In my case I would have been loving in EVERY interaction-- even those where I was speaking my truth. I would have taken every opportunity to one-up OW in ways that she never could have because I KNEW him.

You do have opportunities to see and speak with him when it involves the kids. USE these opportunities to implement Plan A stuff. Since your opportunities are limited, when you do it, do it with a bang. For instance, the situation with getting the girls to their events and letting him help and then THANKING him big time for it. "You're a great dad and a good man." "I appreciate you." "You look great!" "I made _(his favorite food here)_____ last night and thought you'd like some leftovers." Look sexy. Be flirty. "Oh, remember when.... (good memory here).

Since I'm no Plan anything princess, you might ask the QUEENS of Plan A for more suggestions.

hi wild ~

No no no no no relationship talk. NONE.

LG is telling you exactly right.

Be the better alternative.

Your interactions have been great, I got a chuckle out of your description of the both you saying: Thank you, no thank you, no, really THANK YOU... back and forth to each other.

I get the impression he is eating that up.

You have such a crazy schedule with your girls.

LOTS of plan A opportunities.

BEG him for help. Let him know you NEED his help, you WANT his help, you APPRECIATE his help.

Ask his advice on something and then do what he says no matter WHAT it was. And then admire him for the dang advice no matter how stupid <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If he introduces the R talk, then you can go back to no friendship blah blah blah.

But right now you need to knock his socks off. Babs will be ticked when he comes home with bare ankles.

Yeah! What Bramble said.

Yeah! I second that!
I meant to post before I left work, but needed to get outta there. Plan A with all of those emails you guys pass back and forth, with any game interactions.

I was going to post to ask him for help with something, around the house, the stables/horses, anything. Let him do it his way, and thank him.

What worked for me was to do what I did to catch my H in the FIRST PLACE...

You say you don't know him..NOT EXACTLY TRUE..you don't know the WH..but I guarantee you that he is still ATTRACTED to the things about you that made him fall in love many moons ago...

None at all? Then do I not tell him where I am at and that I do not want D?

What happens if he brings this up? What does it show him if I won't discuss what he wants to discuss? The last times we talked, he really wanted to delve in. And it felt to me that we both really came to a better understanding of each other.

And then he went home to Bab's.

How can he know that I recognize some of the things I did and that it would be different? The main things are that he was not #1 to me and that I didn't allow his involvement (discipline etc) with DDs.

I think these two items were major for him.

I'm concerned that this may be my last chance to talk to him so I need to get it all out at once. Maybe I need to let go of the fear that this is my last chance.



This gave me a giggle, too.

He had DD12 yesterday and brought to final v-ball game for DD13...and brought us ALL drinks again. I had brought water with me, but drank the soda he brought for me first. He doesn't hand it to me directly, DD12 does but I know he had to have told her to get it. Which means he thought of me for at least a moment or two.



The crazy schedule is over for a while. These two weeks of camps are kind of a tizzy but then we settle back down to just barrel racing on Wednesday nights.

DD13 practices on other nights but he doesn't usually come.



My plan is to ask his advice on what to do with DD12. Kills two birds with one stone. I'm asking for his help AND asking for his involvement with DD12.

My mother once told me she wished that I would have a child just like me. Well, I've got one. I think she got a double dose of BOTH H and I's stubborness and pride and my quick wit which can be used as a smart mouth. She's got a lot of good qualities too that come from both of us, but boy, oh boy, do I get tested at times.



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BR, thanks for sticking with me. I know I'm not easy. Sometimes when someone new pops in to offer advice or challenges me, I'm tempted to ask "are you tough enough?"

Looks like you might be tough enough. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Thank you, no really, THANK YOU. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I was THEN as I am NOW. He did all the chasing. He was seeing someone I knew, I never spoke to him,not even in passing. I noticed him, but never spoke to him. I was living with my aunt because I was kicked out of my parents' house, at 17 I was working 2 jobs, going to school, paying for my vehicle, insurance, horse, groceries, etc. Trying to help my aunt as much as I could....she was a single mother and had her own struggles.

I had no time for a relationship.

I knew the girl H was seeing was messing around on him. Eventually they broke up.

I don't know what possessed me that day, because it is SO not me (too shy), but a friend of mine and I were at the place the H worked and I went over just to say hi. He asked what I was doing that day. I told him I was going to a concert with some friends. He invited himself along. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Which kind of put me in a pickle but I agreed since I really did want him to go.

It just went on from there. He did most of the work, he made the calls, he made the effort, he said I Love You first (it was on the phone and I made him say it 6 times because I couldn't hear him with all the noise in the background <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />). He really chased me.

I thought he could walk on water. He just seemed to get what my life was like and what I wanted to do in it and he wanted to be there for it and to help me with it.

We FOUGHT like crazy, each testing each other to see if the other would really stick it out. Figuring out each others boundaries on what was ok and what wasn't.

Alot of it was good, some if it was REALLY tough. Then we got married.....and in 15 years we had, at the most, 6 arguments.

We used to have long, long, long talks about just life in general when we were dating. We'd sit over coffee at a restaurant and solve the worlds problems together. (at 18 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

I will admit, PRIDE is huge for me. I'm going to have to work REALLY hard to not let that get in the way.

Thanks all for being here.

Now, back to current events:

After deciding I was going to ask WH to talk and being helped with the decision on WHEN may be the best time, I headed for the final v-ball game.

The whole time I was at the game, it's going round and round in my head on how to do and what exactly to say. I worked myself up into quite the frenzy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I was there first, DD13 and a friend were in the stands and I went to sit by them. WH and DD12 got there later with drinks. They came up and sat by us. I thanked him for the soda. We were mostly quiet, couple of jokes and comments passed back and forth. We all walked out together.

WH had parked right behind me (MANY other spaces), so we all walked together towards the trucks. It was DDs day with WH so I said goodbye to them all and went to my own truck. (I hate that....)

I went home and worked myself into a bigger tizzy thinking about when and how to ask WH to talk. Should I call (if so, when), should I email (seemed chicken), should I ask him face to face (if so, when) and what EXACTLY should I say.

I decided the best time would be when we met to exchange DDs that night. I HAD to take this step, to be the one to do some of the work on our R this time.

I practiced in front of the mirror <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> feeling like a complete idiot. Changing the look on my face to upbeat, my tone to be what I wanted it to be. Worked on the fumbling of the words.

And what did I say? "Hey, would you mind getting together to talk". I had more but pared it down. I was fumbling too much.

THAT is what I planned on saying. And I had to PRACTICE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I was so nervous, I was trembling and my stomache was churning. But I was determined not to let that stop me. I could not chicken out because I was afraid of his reaction.

I drove to the exchange spot, still all worked up. DDs and WH were not there yet. They drove up a few minutes later. He rebuilt the motor in one of his trucks (the one that was used during the A) and he is now driving that again. That truck is a BIG trigger because of how nice he kept it while the A was going on and I didn't know it. BUT, it is MUCH better than when he drives up in her Jeep. It's the best of the two evils, I guess. That truck has a lot of memories of US, too.

Anyway, they pull up and as DDs are getting out of his truck and into mine, I step out of mine. With my heart (and stomache) in my throat, I walk over to his side of his truck. I had to walk behind his truck because of the way our trucks were positioned (passenger door to passenger door facing in opposite directions). As I came up from the back, he watched me in the mirror. What he used to do in that kind of setup was glance in the mirror and see me coming and then turn his head like he was involved with something with DDs. He didn't this time. He watched me walk the whole way and was waiting for me when I got there.

DDs had closed his passenger door and were getting into mine so were not there to hear anything.

With a smile on my face and a hand on his door (with nicely painted nails), I said "Hey, would you mind getting together to talk?"

And with absolutely no hesitation and with an upbeat voice, he said, "Sure" a short pause and then "tonight? Did you want to tonight?"

Which freaked me out because I wasn't READY!! I told him no, not tonight but I'd like to soon. I told him I didn't want to interfere with his time with DDs so it could be next week if it worked better for him.

At this point, all of my nervousness disappeared. H was still in there.

It was almost amusing. He was talking pretty quickly and asking when...tomorrow, this weekend, next week? When is best for you, Fox?

I told him I'm willing anytime except for next Wednesday and that I didn't want to get in the way of his time with DDs.

He said "oh, not Wednesday because of DD13's barrel racing?"
Yup, that's why not Wednesday.

He never even asked WHY. I was prepared to say "I have some things that I want you to hear from me and I'd also like to get your advice"

He then told me all about a friend of his family that is coming to visit from CA. We talked about this friend for a while and I told him to have a good time with him. I've only seen this friend 2 times in all the time we were married. He lived next door to a celebrity, the celebrity wanted the friends property, there were wars going back and forth between them. The friend lost, the celebrity ended up with the friends property, things just went downhill for him there. The friend received a notice in the mail from the IRS saying that their records show that the friend is dead...all kinds of things started happening.

This friend now lives back in the hills in a cabin and uses a generator for power. He has a 13 year old son that is deaf.

I never knew what to REALLY believe of what I heard goes on his life. According to WH, this friend used to smoke a lot of weed and is just a little of his rocker. The only FACT I know is that the son is deaf.

Anway, this friend is coming to visit and is staying with WH and Bab's. I'm going to stop right there because the rest will be assumptions on what I think Bab's will think of this friend. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> This friend may never go back to CA.

This friend coming could be a good thing in alot of ways. WH will talk with this friend, about EVERYTHING. This friend, more than anyone else in the world, will let WH talk. I don't know what his advice will be (you know, weed residue) but WH will at least get to talk to someone he believes is safe.

Alot of good stuff back and forth here, even though I was standing in the parking lot of WalMart. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

At one point, I reached up, put my hand under his chin a little so my thumb could rub a spot on his goatee that is graying a bit. Smiled and said "what's that?"

He grinned and said "don't even talk about that, they're everywhere."

He's 35 and his hair is peppered with gray. It's moving in to his mustache and goatee now too.

I thought he would pull away, flinching before I even touched him. But he didn't. And I pulled away before he got uncomfortable.

I didn't get an actual day of when we will talk, because we went on to other things pretty quickly.

As I was stepping away from the truck, he said to let him know when I wanted to talk. I said whatever works best for him....I'm free except for Wednesday. I think I'll have to follow up with this. It could depend on when the friend gets to town. He may not want to leave the friend alone with Bab's.

If I don't hear from him by Sunday, I'll go talk to him again when we exchange and actually give him a day and time and ask if that works for him.

I'm trying to show that it doesn't have to be on my timeline. That I'm not controlling when we will meet.

But it might not get done if I don't lay it out that way. So I'll give him a chance to work that out and then I'll make another offer if he doesn't.

I don't know if he watched me walk away or not, but he didn't start his truck until I was almost back to my door.

Now I have to figure out what I CAN talk about! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


PRIDE is a stickler for both of us. Somehow, I have to get past mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to share the story of how I got kicked out of my parents' house. It's a pride issue, on my mother's side and on my side. Neither one of us would give.

You've already heard how things were with my father and as much as I tried to protect my mother from him, her and I had issues, too.

Washing dishes was a chore I just abhored. When my dad was home, he cooked. His motto was "when it's brown it's cookin', when it's black, it's done." Know what that does to your pots and pans? Yuck.

They would also "save" the dishes for whoever's turn it was if my sister and I were gone. She and I were gone for two weeks one summer visiting relatives. It was her turn to do dishes the day before we left. She did them, so when we left there were no dishes. The next day would have been my day. So my parents left the dishes for two weeks because it was my turn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Let's just say...big fight ensued when I got back because I didn't think I should have to wash dishes when I wasn't even there to dirty them.

They decided it was my chore and I HAD to. On this particular occasion, I was 13, I think I ended up doing them.

Flash forward to me at 17 years old. Something happened with the stupid dishes again. And I baulked. And refused to give in.

My mother said "get those dishes done or get out."

I got out.

To me, I was kicked out because I saw no other option with that ultimatum and my pride.

To her, I ran away because she saw no other option with setting her ultimatum and her own pride.

Yeah, pride can be a problem for me.

Fox

Wow!!! He was quick to accept your invitation, that seems positive to me.

As far as the pride thing goes... I can sympathize. Don't beat yourself up too bad. I think the time you were able to be in plan B and there wasn't all this communicating going on gave you some time for self reflection.

I felt for you as you described how worked up you were getting.. I do the same thing to myself!!! ((Wild))

I will be gone all next week. I hope your talk goes well, I'll check in on your thread when I get back on the 30th.

PS - I hope he doesn't tell Babs you asked for this... she might taint the whole meeting! IF he's smart, he'll keep it to himself.

Oh yeah, sexy and flirty is hard for me, too. I'm going to need lots of help with this.

I don't believe I AM sexy and flirty just makes me feel stupid.

I think I can look nice.

Yesterday, knowing I was going to see him, I wore a pair of DDs flip flops to show off my pretty pink painted toes, my nails were done, hair wore in the style he likes, "skinny" jeans, and a tank top.

Also wore the lighthouse necklace I bought last fall to represent my desire to be a lighthouse for DDs. It has my birthstone in the lighthouse and DDs birthstones in the waves. Very cool.

We discussed this necklace during our talks in Dec/Jan and his desire to be the lighthouse for DDs too.

I took off my wedding rings the day he took DDs to meet Bab's sister. I'm considering what I should do about that.

I've seen him looking at me when he doesn't think I know. Who knows if he is thinking about it in a good way...or bad?

Thanks, fcf. I'm hoping it goes well, too. Thanks for checking in, hope you're off to do something fun next week! Better yet if it is with your H!

I don't know if his telling Bab's would be a good thing or a bad thing.

She could just flip out and tell him not to go. And if he does it anyway (which I think he will), she'll be miffed.

She could come up with all sorts of things to say, which WH may or may not believe. May help if she shows her true colors right now. She doesn't know me, what can she really say that has merit?

Or....

He could believe what she has to say and come into it very defensive and protective because she may convince him I only want to talk to manipulate him about the D.

Hard to tell how it would go if he told her. I think he is enough of a conflict avoider, that he won't tell just in case she would flip out. Hard to tell from where I sit.

In Dec/Jan he was telling me that what is between him and I is between him and I, that he doesn't share what really happens with us with her. I don't think she knew when we talked, had breakfast, etc before.

I think he shares alot with her but not deep down what he is feeling about me.

The evil side of me wishes he would not tell her and she would find out from someone else. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

Fox

Hi Cowgirl.

I am no where near caught up on what has been going on but it sounds like you have a really awesome 4th quarter rally happening. Great job!

Don't sell yourself short, he knows you look good.

You can do this Fox!

Back to my lurker status.

FOX:

wow.

no, WOW!

You don't know why WH fell in love with you?

Why he hung around for 13 or so years?

But it was all because of HIM? He persued you?

Well, DUH!

You were worth pursuing, right?

RIGHT?

And he did.

But you did alot of things at that time that you stopped doing later.

Talking all night at the coffeshop and solving all the worlds problems.

Guess what you are going to do Tuesday night.

Let DD13, watch DD12. Tell her what you are doing, and if they act up, you will KILL Them.

Send email to WH: Tuesday: 6:30 at (insert name of place that is public, and you can talk and linger w/ WH)

PS: Hope that Stoner friend in at BABS. And WH with YOU. BABS will give him an earfull when he returns. (OOOPS! That's a LoveBuster, isn't it! Darn!)

And then when he tells BABS that you were with him? WOO HOO!

Now, WH may be thinking that you and He are going to talk about finishing up the D. You will not speak of this. You are magical and the D is Voldemort.

My attorney is handling that....

And then you go back to talking about.....

How good his truck looks.....
The engine sounds really good....
I like the way you took care of DD when you.....
Do you ever think we will be getting any more rain, less rain, etc....
Tell me about you biggest client, "XX-XX" and how is that account working for you?

No R talk....

He's expecting it, but you are not giving it.

GODDESS time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Not sexy and flirty enough?

You were, and have been in the past. Time to just get back to it.

My W loves horses. She rides with an Instructor for 45 minutes every week. You get to ride every day. You get to brush, wash, feed, inspect, ride, saddle, unsaddle, hang out with, talk to and any of a number of other things with your Horses.

And it may be all that you need to stay happy on a regular basis.

WH just became your newest horse.

He needs some training and skills to become a better horse. He needs to learn how to be ridden.

ANd you have to show all these things to him.

You stopped.

Now its time to show him how YOU CAN DO this for him.

Your going to get thrown. Just like Ol' Blackie did, your going to brush yourself off, and get back on that horse. Cause that's the only way that horse will learn what it needs to learn. And you know what you have to do about it.

Now:

About that pride thing?

Do you have a good realtionship with your Mother now?

Hope so.

And if not?

NEVER, EVER DRAW ANOTHER LINE IN THE SAND THAT YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO DIE OVER.

Can I slap your DD around a little bit? I hope you KILL ME after that.

BUT IF YOUR NOT WILLING TO DIE OVER IT, DO NOT DRAW THAT LINE.

Do the [email]d@mn[/email] dishes next time....

Because......

YOU have a DD13, and DD12

And needless to say.....

The battles are coming....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LG

One thing to repeat to yourself over and over again, with power...

I AM HIS WIFE!

Bab's is nothing compared to that. KEep this in mind. If you want to wear your wedding ring, wear it. Wearing it is about you, NOT HIM. I put mine back on when I figured that one out. When I took my ring off, I couldn't stand that lonely little finger, so I put a ring that I inherited from my grandmother on that finger, and left it there, until I put my ring back on. I just couldn't stand it. Why I took it off in the first place had to do with WH, not ME. It was against him, not for me.

He is your husband, whether wayward or not. Fox, I can safely say that you look great! DO NOT sell yourself short, or believe that you are less than anybody, especially not Babs. Put those jeans on, put your ring on (if YOU want), pull that hair up, show off those pretty toes. Use that body language; it is very powerful.

I think he shares with her what he wants her to hear, and that's about it. Unless you are being evil, I seriously doubt he will be talking to her about it. Keep in mind, their relationship is born of deception, and concealment, and lies and hiding. What part of that do you think has changed?

Hey, chrisner! Glad to know you not only survived Cajun Fest '07 but had a blast, too!

Don't be afraid to pop in whenever you have something to say. We still love ya....D and all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Fox

FOX:

One more thing:

Us wayward's very rarely talk about our BS once we really get involved.

We might talk about while we fall in "LOVE". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

But as the R grows, and gets more disgusting, we talk less and less about our betrayed partners.

Many BS think that us waywards spend our time dissing them.

No.

Remember, BS are not part of these wayward selfish worlds.

Babs and WH are not talking about you.

It gets him in trouble with Babs to talk about you.

The kids are reminder enough, so, you going out with him, and having a conversation, then Babs will find out, and LB all over him.

That works in your favor.

Cause he has to lie to her about you.

Just like he lied for so many years to you about her.

LG

LG ROCKS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

LG, (btw, I always want to say LAUGHING Golfer when I read this, I don't know why)

SL is right, you are scary good at this!

Good idea on emailing him time and place. I'm thinking that place where we used to solve the worlds problems may be a good idea. It's been remodeled...so the same but different. They're still open all night.

By letting him know day and time now.....he won't have an opportunity to schedule me out because of Stoner friend. ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) He'll be able to keep our appointment in mind when he is making plans with Stoner friend.



This phrase is very inflamatory to WH. Ticks him off to no end. So I thought I would soften it with "I'm leaving that all to my attorney. I don't know how this is normally done so I'm having to trust his judgement on what is fair."

Then off to other things.....

Thanks for the horse analogy.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



AHA!!



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Fox