Thanks for reading. Here is the problem. My son has been with his GF for about 2 years. They are thinking about getting married, but not engaged yet. I love her and am very close to her whole family.

It seems like things have been going well between them, very few arguments, no drama. But she has an exBF, and I saw her with him a month ago. I stopped and talked to her, and she introduced me to him. No problem.

Then I saw them together yesterday, in her car. She didn't see me. Tonight my son has been trying to call her, and she had turned off the phone. He didn't know where she was. Later she called him and said she was with her mom, and was coming by. That was about 2 hours ago.

So here it is. With my background as a BS, I am thinking the worst. If something was going on, I would like to tell my son. On the other hand, I am close to his GF, and don't want to tell on her if nothing is going on.

I'm waiting to hear suggestions.

Well, if nothing is going on, then she won't have much to explain. I would let your son speak to her first, then if there is some problem in their conversation, or a noticeable change in either him or their R, make him aware of your encounters and suspicions, or 'gut' feelings. Just my $.02.

Have you suggested that he read HNHN or SAA? It is good reading for those endeavoring into marriage.

Hi B,

I guess you got me tonight. I'm am a BH so I'm thinking like you.

I think I would talk to the GF without your son knowing. If nothing IS going on then she shouldn't care if you ask questions. I would want to know why they are still talking though.

JMHO

Best wishes,

M2L

"Son, by the way, I was driving down XXX street yesterday at XX o'clock
and saw GF in her car with XBF... I don't know if she saw me. Did she mention it?"

since you don't know anything else, don't speculate

Happy New Years Believer

Pep

Now that I'm where I'm at in life, I think that these would be a great wedding gift. How would it not be taken as rud though for a new couple??

M2L

It is funny how our perspectives are changed because of being a BS, isn't it?

This morning I was at the gym. DH was playing racketball and I was waiting for my class to start. I was up at te front desk chatting and a man came in- deacon in our church, not sure if he knows who I am.

A few minutes later I walked to a different level and he was on the club phone. Chatting and chatting. I must have stared- because he turned away. I walked away and came back later- chatting and chatting still. Of course, you know I am thinking he is talking to someone he should not be - why else would you come to the gym and chat on the phone? Did he not want his wife to see a call on his cell?

This adultry stuff really changes you.

If you are really close to her, you might bring up what Dr Harley says about not being friends with former lovers. Maybe purchase Dr Harley's new book for her to read.

I know you must be really torn about this.

Thanks! I know that this is just crazy, and nothing needs to be done right now. But son is very upset, and of course that makes me upset. G/F and I are very close. And that is what makes it so hard.

My mind is running over and over this, thinking of possible explanations, just like I did with my WH.

This stuff sucks, and never leaves you.

Hi B...like we would tell any BS around here...you will have to do some 'investigating' somehow....maybe when you are with his GF...as you seem to be close....why not ask her 'outfront' about her exBF and see what she as to say? how does she feel about maintaining contact with exs?....then go from there.....

...and if they are planning to get married....I think there are many books out there to read so that 'issues' are discussed BEFORE getting married.....and before they become ISSUES....

Yes, B...given our experiences....I think it's pretty normal for you to 'think the worst'

It helps me to sleep on it. Maybe give it a night and see what happens and how you feel.

I agree with Pep - just very casually mention it to him... very casually..... plant the seed....

Sending you my very best,

Carnation

Has anything like this happened before?

For one, I'd be worried. I know you don't want to make trouble where none may exist but, it is suspicious.

Are the two of you close enough to ask questions about the R w/the XBF? After seeng her w/him, I'm sure her turning the phone off was a red flag to you.

I'd keep my eyes and ears open for sure.

Oh, B...

I'm in the very exact situation in liking my son's GF and my son being in love with her.

I would mention it to her as soon as I got the chance in order to get a read from her..."I happened to see you with your old BF again the other day"..as you know, I think things happen for a reason....once you get the read from her, I THINK YOU WILL KNOW WhAT TO DO...

Mayybe your son is cooler than mine is..I couldn't even casually mention something like that to him without him losing it...

Maybe you are being DIRECTED to intervene since you have been PROVIDED with this information more than once...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

well

my opinion is

Believer's son has the right to the facts pertaining to his own life

and he has the right to deal with the facts as he sees fit

so, Believer's only obligation is to share the facts that she knows for certain with her son

then, let it go

it is his life
he is an adult

Pep

You're probably right Pep.

For me, I have to be realistic about who my son is...

But my sons just went through this stuff with their father..

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I would make darn sure that my son knew the truth. Mimi, your son might lose it when told, but better to lose it NOW, before he is married, than AFTER when he is. If she is not marriage material, he needs to know now so he can dump her.

I totally agree with Pep - her first post was spot on. Believer - this isn't hard at all. If it was innocent that will come out. If it wasn't then he is well informed. No harm, no foul. Don't make this harder than it is.

I say far better for your son to know now than after M.

Perhaps you can find out if she has told him anything and then if not say well I did see her with X, & so on.

Though she may be totally upfront & all ok, lets hope & pray, then there is no harm except she may learn not to hide things like this from her future H. However if she is having second thoughts then your son deserves the same opportunity especially if her behaviour is not acceptable.

It must feel horrible to be in this position B, big hugs ((((((B)))))).

I thought about it some more.

I would definitely tell my son...no doubt about it..

I wouldn't want to tell him....but I would...

I'm with you, Mimi. I sure wouldn't want to tell him either. I would hate even more for him to marry someone who turned out to be faithless because I didn't warn him. A difficult situation at best.

Believer,

1st go to GF. This will be a test of her friendship with you.

B: Hi GF, I got something that has been on my mind. Wondered if you can help.

GF: Sure B, what's up?

B: Seems you have been spending time with xBF. Since BF is MY son....can you see where I am going with this or.... (let her figure it out.

At this point, watch the eyes. U 2 have an R, it is now being tested. Don't be afraid of the outcome. It is best if you find out now.

Not just 'cuz you were a BS...but because u r a mom and a friend. Keeping the trust is vital to any R. You can really make this a life learning lesson for all involved.

Hugz,

L.