Okay, so I have found phone contact between WH and OW...again! He says that may or may not be true, but he hasn't seen her ...but there are doubts this information is true since they obviously have not adhered to the 'no contact' rule. He says he has no intention of stopping phone contact--although he won't freely admit it and he won't deny it, he pleads the fifth, he says--and he wants to know what evidence I have. He wants me to turn a 'blind eye' to his indiscretions--if I don't want to know he's still contacting her, just don't ask him anything, he says. He wants us to 'pretend' like everything is okay at least until some financial decisions are made.

I have asked him to leave if he has no intentions of stopping contact and working on our marriage, but he won't leave. He says I can leave, but he won't. I asked him to at least move into the guest room, but he won't do that either. He says if he leaves, it will hinder being able to take care of us financially so he won't. It seems like he wants to take care of us financially, but is also using that to be able to do whatever he wants.

Do I ask him to leave?...enforce it? How can you do plan A if he blatantly refuses to stop all contact?

BTW, his meanness (is that a word?) toward the kids continues...this part is the most hurtful, the part that enrages me. He told the kids on Saturday that he was leaving to do 'stuff alone'. Saturday is the only day he is able to spend with us and we usually spend it together, but after watching the kids at Awanas Games in the morning, he said he was leaving. The kids protested, and I chimed in saying we can go with you to run errands. It ended with him yelling at me and the kids telling them that he didn't like spending time with them and for them to leave him alone. I pulled him aside and told him that was inappropriate and he told me that it was my fault that I provoked him to say that...he should know he has full control over what he does or doesn't say. He ended up getting extremely upset, yelling at the kids to get the h*ll out of the way and leaving. This is NOT okay.

However, yesterday when he was talking about 'pretending' he said he could 'pretend' with the kids as well....hmmm...huh?

BTW, homework, never got past lesson one...he's being resistant...but he told S that he would do it and it would be done by the end of the week. She believed him...he can be so deceiving....

Okay, I changed the thread title a bit 'cause I got wind that he saw my question in the private forum. I don't know if he's been on since...actually, probably not, but I thought I'd make it a little bit harder to find just in case.

Okay this morning he still won't admit to contact, even though I have proof of phone contact--although I didn't tell him how I knew. Keep in mind, he won't deny it either (probably because he wants to know exactly how I knew so he can prevent me from finding out future calls), but he does deny that they've had physical contact....I don't know. He says the affair is not still going on because they haven't seen each other.

I asked him to adhere to the 'no contact' rule and he won't answer. He won't agree. He says 'just don't ask me'. He said the one big thing that makes him want to leave is when I question him. I said the one big thing that makes me upset is him continuing contact with her.

So he basically wants me to let him do whatever--call her or whatever-- and I can do anything I want. He said I could go back to school or whatever I need to do to get financially stable. He says what keeps him from leaving right now is the fact that he knows we will not be okay if he leaves and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want that for us...it seems he's now a maryr, sacrificing himself for us... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> it's actually him continuing contact with her that is causing that for us.

So, although morally wrong I actually considered this...pretending it's not happening, get myself financially independent and then separate. It's actually what that lawyer said, remember?

...but the lawyer also said, some women just can't do it...and I don't know if I can do it. Knowing he's still calling her is NOT okay. I actually tried for a bit, but I can't seem to keep my emotions in check knowing he just talked to her. Hmmm....whatdya guys think?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

DW,

I will be on later to get into your sitch!

DW,

I was going to check on the private boards to see what Dr. Harley said to you concerning this. I will do so right after this post.

I am thinking that it may take you creating a crisis for your husband to move off center. Not sure yet, though.

I do know that you need to continue to Plan A for now, and continue to provide him opportunities to engage with you in working on your homework. As dr. Harley said in California, they dont have to believe....they jsuth ave to do it.

I will check what Dr. Harley has written and will come back later.

DW,

How does it profit your marriage to put your energy into trying to get your partner to admit a truth you already know?

No matter what happens with your marriage, these harmful, full of fantasy choices are yours...and you make them with others, too...as if their honesty can protect you...and their honesty can't.

Good news...neither can their lies!

When you are HONEST with yourself...you will hear what you wrote clearly...your WH said that he had no intention of stopping phone contact with OW...and you know that's contact...which continues the affair.

You know what you know...it's valid and true. Why not call OW and tell her, "Please, he won't leave us...he swears he loves us and won't move out...please help us out. You keep contact by phone and other ways, so your affair continues. Take him, please. Help me out."

Seriously. Fence sitting sucks. She might be outrageously mad at being played...I'm sure he tells her another story...and no one gets the truth (she wouldn't know it if it bit her)...

Expose again...to everyone...to share the truth that the A continues. Then know your WH's truth...he has no intention of stopping the A...he's rationalizing it isn't an A...only phone stuff...he can rationalize, please stop buying it.

Look at the truth...his choice of actions...know it for what it really is...your partner wants an open marriage and he wants to stay in an open marriage and parent in an open marriage right now.

His choices are his...yours are your own. If you don't do open marriages, please do the work to get him out of the house and go to Plan B...take the legal, calm, respectful steps...know reality and bring it...that's Plan A. That's part of recovery.

Stop being so wrapped up in all his stuff...your focus is where you have no control...bring it back to roost where you...on you. Lots of power, DW...and you're handing it to him and others...

Please put awareness as your big goal today...to see with clarity...not to fix, solve, make or smooth.

To see clearly.

LA

Okay, so my H got arrested today for DV. I filed a TRO today and he just got out of jail about 20 minutes ago...i think.

So, it's plan B. Forced, but for the better. I had been praying that he makes the decision to leave, I didn't think I'd be able to enforce plan B and so it was made. The Lord took it into his own hands and so I thank Him.

Long story short, since I really don't have a lot of time, I found his secret cell phone that he had been using to kit with OW in his car and took it. I went to drop the kids off at school and then to the church for a MOM's meeting (kinda like MOPS). Just as I came out the car, he came screeching in his car demanding his cell phone. I refused-he came at me, grabbed me (this encounter is what left me with bruises and scratches) and took my laptop bag and purse and fled. He came back a couple minutes later, probably 'cause the phone wasn't in those bags and demanded it. By this time a crowd had ensued and were trying to calm him down. He ended up breaking and throwing my laptop, my cell phone and ripping my bag. He then fled, but the police came (someone had called 911) and they arrested him at the house. When I came home I saw that the chaos he had left by pulling stuff out of cabinets looking for the phone and had smashed family photos. I saw the mess and decided to file the TRO.

So, I've been at the courthouse all day...he hasn't tried to come get his stuff yet.

I wonder if his 19-year mistress will be happy picking him up from jail. Sorry, that might have been uncalled for.

I have not contacted the OW's family yet or his family yet...was waiting for Dr. H's response. I don't know if I should contact them.

I'm also wondering if I should have a plan B letter waiting for him...

Prayers please...I think I'm still in shock....but I don't wanna do anything stupid or rash....

I think you need to notify the OW's family and and his family. They need to know that the contact is tearing your family apart and that WH is now a jailbird.

So sorry this happened. Don't let him come back.

You could have inserted "I took his bag of crack...and he came after me screaming to give it back." If this isnt evidence of how addictive affairs are, I dont know what is. I am sorry to hear this, DW. Were your kids around...did they witness all of this? I hope not.


No it wasnt!


I am sure Dr. Harley is going to say to contact them. Of course, your husband will spin a different story. So, if it were me, I would contact them ASAP!


Start working on it! Dr. Harley will give you the best advice. But I am sure when there is DV involved, his first concern is with your safety. Please stay safe!


Prayers continue to be sent! Just take this one step at a time. See that your husband is "under the influence." You must fight this addiction, just as any other addiction. And now that he has gotten violent, you must protect yourself. He is going to have to pull his head out...and hitting bottom is probably the only way.


Looking now....

Just looked at Dr. harley's response to you. Please follow it to a tee.

Time for Plan B! And to get the other things together that he advised. Since it was on the private board, I wont go into all of it here...except that most of it is the generic Plan B stuff. Get your PBL ready, but as he said...let the dust settle before sending it.

The fog is thick with your husband! But, sometimes, events such as this are like a slap in the face...and help blow a lot of the fog away. But as the good doctor said...the ball is in his court.

You need to stay out of it and stay safe. Expose the situation to family, etc. Do your PBL. And plan for an extended separation. Use that time to better yourself, so that you are in a better position if you divorce. Or if you dont, and he pulls his head out...you will be in a better position in your marriage to further both of your dreams.

Please make sure you protect your interests legally. Many times, out of anger, the WS will immediately hire a lawyer and start filing a whole mess of stuff. Lock your position in now! You should have everything in place, and have copies of everything to an attorney by tomorrow! Your attorney may even advise to file first, in order to protect yoru position and freeze assets before your husband does something with them. If you do, just understand that doesnt mean you will actually divorce. It is just protection until the dust settles and you can see what your husband will do.

If he is a man of honor, he will find a way to rid himself of the alien that inhabits him. If he isnt, then he will continue on his destructive path. You cannot influence this. This is an internal issue within your husband now. Prayers for him is what is needed. The Lord and your husband will now wrestle for control.

I am sorry you have to go thru this. But in the end, this might be the best thing to have happened because it will get things off the dime now. He wont be able to have his cake and eat it too. You wont have to be abused day in and day out by his affair. And while the violence was scary, at least you werent hurt and all that was damaged was some telephones and computers. That will be a very low cost to pay if your husband does indeed regain his honor.

Keep posting so we can help and so we know that you are safe. Get to your attorney today.

The Lord is watching over you.

Thanks...

I am scared...terrified...but know that God is there to protect me....but I'm still scared...not just of him, but of the future I think...scared on how to handle it..if I can do it 'right'...

I am wondering how he must be feeling right now. Terrified, mortified or justified in anger. My emotions waver, but I think I need you all to remind me when I start to feel sorry for him, that he needs this wake up call. I can't make it easier for him, he needs to redeem himself at this point.

I mean, here my H left me with bruises and scratches, threw and broke valuable items, smashed family photos and here I'm feeling sorry for him....but don't worry, I won't be lifting the TRO or contacting him. I just wanted to tell you all this so that I won't dwell on it.

I just think about he's been lying and how upset he got trying to protect his affair, her, his 'bag of crack', and it reminds me he does not have my best interests at heart.

So, yes, in contacting the OW's family...okay...

I am going to file the legal separation papers today...I didn't have a chance yesterday to stop by his office and get copies of all the financial dealings before he got out, I hope he doesn't start moving stuff around. He keeps telling me it's not about the money and he would NEVER do that to me....

I just have to pray and trust that God will protect me financially as well...

We have all been scared also...so we know how you feel! Hang with us...we will hang with you. Remember, sometimes the Lord calms the storm and other times, he calms His child while letting the storm rage on. He is in control!


All of this, I suspect.


We will! Which is why you need to be posting here constantly for awhile.


Yes he does. First and foremost with the Lord...and with himself.


After the dust settles, you will need to send the PBL. But for now, just do what you have to and wait on the Lord.


They all try to protect their "bags." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> As you can see up close...this is an addiction!


<Mortarman stands and applauds> Make sure you get his family, and any others that will bring pressure on their relationship.


Good that you are filing. But dont trust what he has said. Addicts ALWAYS lie! Change the locks on the doors. Count on him doing all sorts of stuff he promised NOT to do (like when he promised on your wedding day to forsake all others!).


He will! I would also suggest, if you havent read it yet, to read the link below concernign the roles of husbands and wives. It will give you a roadmap on how to deal with your husband...and possibly help save him from himself!

Keep us informed!!

There is no greater time to utilize Plan B than when a spouse becomes physically abusive, and the situation spirals out of control. You are doing so many of the right things in this sitch.

Don't worry over him right now, just concern yourself with being safe, and detach from him. It will take a while, but you have all of us here to listen. Just do one day at a time, don't think long about the future, it serves no purpose right now.

Hang in there, you will have some quiet and some peace in Plan B.


(((((DW)))))

I know you are very frightened. Who wouldn't be? But continue moving to protect your family. Don't trust ANYTHING that your WH has said. At least he is now out of the home, and you and your children can get some peace.

WH is probably very angry, and feeling justified, but deep down he has to realize what a mess he has gotten himself into. Don't feel sorry for him. Maintain your boundaries that his behavior lately is unacceptable.

Okay, so I'm in need of a bit of encouragement...to help stay on course....

So I guess blood is thicker than water....
I told his brother today about the DV charges, and wouldn't you know, he started to blame me! I wasn't going to give him details but he started to assume I had provoked him. Why did I escalate things?! Wait, my WH came driving like a maniac into the parking lot attracting attention before I even opened my mouth. Then he says, "Why did I take his cell phone?" HUH? I'm supposed to allow my H to have an affair?

Their mother was 'attacked' (his word) by father numerous times and he seems to think that she instigated it and pushed him to attack her.

I didn't do anything that day in the parking lot...there were over 20 witnesses that can confirm this.

He said he was coming down (about a 3 hour drive) to talk to him....I wonder what he's going to say...

At least he told me I should get legally separated or turn a blind eye to his affair. He was hinting that I should do the latter. What is with men?

...or it the culture? My mom was saying the same thing...I should ignore the affair--it should end eventually, get my master's, ignore him, and plus the kids behave better if there is a dad in the house. A dad in the house that is having an affair? A dad who says he doesn't like spending time with them and leaves to spend time with his mistress instead? How is that better?!


I am soo upset right now. My mother (BTW, my parents live about 90 minutes away...came down to help watch the kids yesterday...am grateful for that...but...), trying to help, decided to tell the office staff at my daughter's school that my DD was upset because her daddy didn't come home last night because he was having an affair. Okay WHY???!!!

First of all, my DD was upset all week because a girlfriend of hers ditched her to spend time with two boys. She was upset because it happened twice this week. My mother said she asked my DD why she was upset and my DD didn't answer. My mother assumed it was because her father didn't come home last night and took it upon herself to tell people...and why the school secretary???

Then she told my DD that her father didn't come home last night. My DD asked me if this was true. She had no idea before my mother told her. I was going to tell them, but I was going to wait until tomorrow because they usually don't notice if he's home or not during the week. He can come home really late and he's usually sleeping when the kids are getting ready for school. I was going to tell them and then spend the day with them...but my darling mother decided to take it upon herself to tell them...

...and then when I start to get upset at my mom for telling people she had no business in telling, she tells me I can make it better by calling my H up and telling him to come home....WHAT?!?! She proceeds to tell me that it is my fault that he isn't home.... my fault that my marriage is falling apart. I should have just ignored it, I shouldn't have taken a stand. She says how am I going to live now, financially how am I going to take care of myself...

This part has me a mess...my mother telling me I'm worse off now because I caused him to be gone. Thanks, mom.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

sorry to hear you have "anti-help", working against you on both sides <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

hang in there

Sorry you are going through this. Your mom sounds kind of old-fashioned. That is the way women used to handle affairs.

I would like to see you go back and finish school. Is there any way you could do that?

Okay, so my WH sent a friend to pick up some of his personal belongings today. His friend said he's really upset with me. He says, "Does she think I'll come back after she put me in jail?" He says he didn't do anything, he just took my laptop bag and purse, and broke personal property. He thinks I got 20 of my 'church friends' to all lie for me to put him in jail. His friend said that he actually considered this possibility until he saw the bruises and scrapes. Talk about wayward thinking....
I actually hope that he told the arresting sheriff his idea that they all lied for me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


His brother came down and they are going to go eat...I sincerely hope they come to their senses...but I don't know...


Gotta keep focus...on the goal, on His will, not mine...

Thanks for the encouragement...I'll need it..

BTW, school, some think if I get a good attorney I might be able to still finish school...let's hope that's true...actually if I move out of CA I probably could...any good states out there? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How long have you been a SAHM? The courts will figure that in. If you could finish school, you would make more money to take care of your kids.

Could you start now?

If you become serious about MOVING to another state, after much of the ruckus dies down, I would consider looking at what profession you would like to take on and search for regions where that is booming. For me, I'm a protein chemist, so I would be looking to areas of research and development for drug companies, or in the research triangle in NC. I would love to live in NC, but my family is here.

In regards to the horrible responses from your family, STAND YOUR GROUND. Just let people know that this is the way that YOU are doing things, and shoulda coulda woulda doens't live here. You need their support, not advice on how to sit by and watch you family be destroyed. That's just me though, I'm not one to people please or take much crap from anyone, especially people condoning an OBVIOUS attack on ME.

Look for that attorney.