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wow...that's a tough spot.

I think you should tell him exactly what you said above....that you understand that staying married to you feels like another blow and you don't want to cause him anymore pian or disrespect...that even though you love him and would love to stay married that alowing the divorce is the best thing you could do for him right now.

i would ask him not to rush the divorce though.....isn't there a mandatory seperation time before divorce in most states?

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I am so amazed that this doesn't happen more. I see this being more of a problem for the betrayed husband than the betrayed wife. The thoughts of someone else sleeping with the woman you married, had children with and loved is almost unbearable. Then throw in the months and months where the betrayed had to work just to get a chance at saving the M and WOW do you ever have a plate full of resentment even if things work out so to speak.

Pride is a big thing and one that is hard to control. McBecca's actions told her BH that he was not good enough, not sexy enough, not smart enough, not sensitive enough, not handsome enough, not, not, not......and now that he has convinced McBecca that he is he wants her to feel what he felt and feels and he can't figure out a way to make her pay or hurt enough for what she has done to him and the family. He even wants the innocent child to hurt because it is part of McBecca and OM, not him.

I think he needs spirtual and individual counseling in the worst way. McBecca needs to at every corner validate and repeat what he is feeling, asking how she can make the hurt more bearable though she cannot change the past. I do agree that pressuring him and trying to guilt him into staying married is unwise. I think telling him your heartfelt feelings for him and then recognizing that you and the affair you chose to have may just be too much for him to overcome, thereby freeing him to chose his path may be effective.

I truly hope this works out for the children's sake and because I think you two have a chance at a different and better M if this large mountain can be climbed.

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{{{{{{{{{McBecca}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I see a glimmer of hope here. He has said, basically, that he is going to give you till this summer? Well, if he was so hot to get D'd, he would have called his lawyers and told them to file already! This is giving you time to work on your Plan A and knock his socks off with it! Also, what are your state's laws regarding D? Many have a waiting period before anything final can be done. Check to see what those might be. It may give you even more time! One other thing that kinda hit me was your mention that if the xom found out about a D, he would be happy, well, you could possibly use that to your benefit as well with BH. If he knew that remaining M'd would be a thorn in xom's side, that he couldn't have you and you chose H over him, maybe that will help BH come around as well.

Yes, you need to get your "ducks in a row" for this summer's possibilities, but don't give up yet! Read, and re-read all that you can. Stock up your knowledge of how to re-win your H's heart! Keep up the good work, and no matter what the outcome, at least you can say that you did your best, right? If you give up now, it would be a failure, if you try your hardest to repair this M, you may just end up with celebrating your 25th with your BH down the road! But, no matter the outcome, if you work at it, you will know that there was nothing else you could have done.

I hope and pray that your BH comes around. Please keep us updated.


Tigger
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h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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{{{{{McBecca}}}}}

What do you want?


Me FWW 36 BH 50 D-day 1 2/18/06 D-day 2 3/28/06 (same EA) NC 3/28/06 and going strong 7 total children Mine/ours live with us DS 15 DD 12 DD 21 months "With all it's shams, lies, and broken dreams, life is still wonderful. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
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Becca .... you ought to respond to the following
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Pep



McB,

There is an old saying the the Hall of Fame Coach, John Madden , uses. You need to consider it.


Quote:
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don't roll out the hoses until you know where the fire is.


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Have you talked to him about his feelings concerning what OM did to HIM. Do you need a list to help you recall?

1. OM took his W.

2. OM impregnated his W.

3. OM then tells EVERYONE what he did and that there is an OC in the situation.

In short, OM has done about as much as one man could do to another. Isn't it time you thought just a bit about your H and this situation? I hate to sound harsh, but all of your posts are about what you are feeling, and what YOU fear, and what YOU feel you need to do to protect yourself.

Isn't it time to consider that your H is right now a little wacked out from all of this? Isn't time to cut him some slack and see if he is serious? A man dead set on divorce doesn't just say "well we'll do it in awhile". Nope a man deadset on a divorce is down visiting his lawyer and filing.

That has not happened and it may not happen IF you don't give up. The man is hurt, and further you have expressed that he is not the best at discussing his emotions or handling them.

McB, don't roll out the hoses just yet.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

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I guess too much! I want the great marriage, being able to feel part of a marriage and not just someone who screwed up and will never be on the same level. I want intimacy, I want friendship, I want to feel secure in the relationship.

Even when we were supposedly trying to work things out, things weren't good. Now I know why. He isn't trying. But how can I ask him to try anything after what I've done? why should he? All there is left for him is uncertainty.

I would like to know exactly how he feels but he won't share. Like I said he is a private person and has always been, I never really knew he loved me until last year when the affair first came out in the open. He was very emotional at that time, crying constantly, upset, begging me to stay. But all that was before we knew of OC.

Now I feel if I am emotional and cry in front of him, he is going to think I Am just scared to be on my own. I think in a way I have to show him that no matter how painful I will go through with the divorce because that will show him that I am not staying out of fear. It is a catch 22, if I show him how much I don't want a divorce, he doesn't believe it and thinks I am just staying until something better comes along or until the baby is old enough... if I go through with the divorce and agree to it all, then it seem as if I have given up and don't want my marriage.

I really don't know what to do. I am trying to stay calm, not freak out, not cry at the drop of a hat (in front of him) and trying to do the things that I will need to do in order to be on my own.

B


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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McB,

There is an old saying the the Hall of Fame Coach, John Madden , uses. You need to consider it.


Quote:
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don't roll out the hoses until you know where the fire is.


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Ok, I know that is the case. He hasn't filed yet and he is still with me and actually acting quite loving and patient. I am trying not to get my hopes up, and trying to be normal in front of him. Should I show him more emotion? should I tell him how I feel? I am afraid if he thinks I am doing this for fear, he will think it isn't because I WANT to stay married.



Have you talked to him about his feelings concerning what OM did to HIM. Do you need a list to help you recall?

not really... he only tells me he is angry about it all, but he won't elaborate.

1. OM took his W.

2. OM impregnated his W.

3. OM then tells EVERYONE what he did and that there is an OC in the situation.

Yes well, once again OM is a SH*THEAD! but again, I will NEVER EVER EVER move back to where OM lives and that is FINAL! BH knows this because I cannot face the people I wokred with after the crap OM has told them.

In short, OM has done about as much as one man could do to another. Isn't it time you thought just a bit about your H and this situation? I hate to sound harsh, but all of your posts are about what you are feeling, and what YOU fear, and what YOU feel you need to do to protect yourself.

Ok, but I don't know how he feels or what he really wants. From what he tells me he wants to see if he can find hapiness somewhere else. He feels our relationship is done!

Isn't it time to consider that your H is right now a little wacked out from all of this? Isn't time to cut him some slack and see if he is serious? A man dead set on divorce doesn't just say "well we'll do it in awhile". Nope a man deadset on a divorce is down visiting his lawyer and filing.

I think he is thinking of the children. We just moved here and our oldest had a hard time adjusting, if we move AGAIN it will be yet another adjustment. I think part of the reason he wants to wait a bit is so it is less stressful on the children too. Also, would he have to pay spousal support if he were to leave now because I am not working due to moving here for his job?

That has not happened and it may not happen IF you don't give up. The man is hurt, and further you have expressed that he is not the best at discussing his emotions or handling them.

So what shoud I do? I feel like what he wants from me most is to respect his wishes after all I am the one who hurt him.

McB, don't roll out the hoses just yet.

Please think about this.

Ok.... I won't but as the guilty party, shouldn't I at least respect his decision and accept it that my f'ck up is beyond repair?


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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I think Pep makes some good points. As far as your H goes... his statement about not letting your child stay with him speaks volumes to me... this is what I was afraid of. If he makes the decision to NOT be a COMPLETE father to this child... the OM should be given the chance to be the father that he is to this child. He can certainly become a good father... people can change can't they McB? I mean what labels could others have put on you months ago....??? and look at where you are now. Your daughters father.... her bio father... can be a very good option IN THE EVENT THAT YOUR HUSBAND continues down this path. If he changes his tune...my vote is for you to continue working on the M. If you will recall though... several months ago this is exactly the scenario that I feared... and I do NOT want to see your child grow up without a father.
And while I sincerely hope your H recovers from the terrible hurt he is having to deal with... please know that he COULD BE very serious about divorce at this point and it may not be just his hurt talking. Just because he is waiting until you are in a better financial place does not mean he is not serious.

"Considering he hasn't done anything to keep contact with OC I am not sure I even want him in her life."

This was at your and your husbands request so I do not agree with the logic. You and everyone else here were slamming him about possibly fighting to stay in his daughters life and now you are saying that because he went with your wishes that he was wrong. I will respectfully disagree.

Follow Pep and others advice as far as your H goes... but have a plan in place as to how you will proceed should the divorce papers come. I am sorry to say that based on your H's words, I would say that it is likely that will occur
Please take care of yourself McB.

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McBecca - You cannot control him you can only control yourself. I do believe this is as Pep said a test of your resolve. I would pay no heed to what he says other than to validate his feelings but if he wants a divorce let him do the work. All yu can do is Plan A to see if he can see changes in you and fall in love again.

Everything else is just borrowing trouble from tomorrow.

But like MEDC said, get the ducks lined up for CS if that becomes necessary.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
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McBecca - perhaps you are trying too hard to fix it ALL AT ONCE - to hav ethe perfect marriage NOW. And it's too much pressure.

Read the "Be Still" thread - again, and again. Until you know what it's like to just be still.

These song lyrics came to mind - I hope you've had a chance to see the video.

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THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS FOR (Amy Grant)

Sometimes, we make it harder than it is
We'll take a perfect night
And fill it up with words we don't mean
Dark sides best unseen
And we wonder why we're feeling this way

Sometimes, I wonder if we really feel the same
Why we can be unkind
Questioning the strongest of hearts
That's when we must start
Believing in the one thing
That has gotten us this far

(Chorus 1:)
That's what love is for
To help us through it
That's what love is for
Nothing else can do it
Melt our defenses
Bring us back to our senses
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that's what love is for

Sometimes, I see you, and you don't know I am there
And I'm washed away
By emotions I hold deep down inside
Getting stronger with time
It's living through the fire
And holding on we find

(Repeat chorus 1)

Believing in the one thing
That has gotten us this far

(Chorus 2:)
That's what love is for
To help us through it
That's what love is for
Nothing else can do it
Round off the edges
Talk us down from the ledges
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that's what love is for

That's what love is for
That's what love is for
Melt our defenses
Bring us back to our senses
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that's what love is for

That's what love is for
(That's what love is for)
That's what love is for
(Ooh, nothing else can do i

Stop making it harder than it is - just love him.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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I'll be the dissenter again so gotta get my targets properly in position over my butt.

IMO there is no circumstance under which I would *volunteer* to introduce your former affair partner [and her BF] into the equation..not even for CS.

Here's why. What you already know is that your entire relationship with this man is corrupt and sick and destructive and addictive. That's not going to change [why NC is for life]. I know people so often wish "well why can't we all just be grownups and DEAL with this situation like grownups and make it work for the best interest of the child?!"

Frustrating as it is..what I believe is that the two of you are INCAPABLE of doing that. If you could behave like grownups and control your addictions and skewed reactions to each other there wouldn't BE an OC. There is not one single shred of history that supports the possibility for the two of you to to sustain a positive relationship and I fear that OC would be FURTHER damaged by being stuck in this malestrom. Better FROM a sick relationship than IN one..right? Better NO father than a BAD one. My belief is that the corrupt nature of the relationship prevents coparenting from being a viable option. Honestly I would just cut ties and cut everyones losses.

Now that was my glimpse into what I think is the unlikely future because I believe he is not remotely likely to folow thorugh on this even if HE thinks that he is right now.

He might. You may have a very accurate snapshot of what is going on in his mind and heart but as we all know..feelings are very fickle. He was badly triggered..as a WS I doubt I can even explain to you how horrific the betrayal and VIOLATION of an affair really is so I won't bother.

VIOLATION is the key word and an OC is ..really...just the worst case scenario there.

I'd look at the work incident EXACTLY as though he was raped...wound up pregnant as a result...and had people [and his violator!] taunt him and call him a slut at his job.

I know as a man it MUST be a different experience but I'm a woman and in that circumstance that is precisely what imagery comes into my head.

Since you are also a woman I'm sure that YOU can use that imagery as well.

So it's no suprise that he's reacted pretty badly to it and may very well be feeling pretty hopeless and depressed and ANGRY. It's no suprise that he is pulling away from OC when he was previously very caring of her [and even still he can't COMPLETELY refuse her..he has bonded even though it probably causes a great deal of internal FRICTION].

I think it is OK to show pain. I was always affected and moved by my Hs tears of genuine remorse and regret and sorrow...heck even self pity because I can certainly empathize with feeling pretty bad about yourself.

I would stay the ****** away from justifications or blameshifting and I would stay away from detached "OK see you in court" as well.

I really just think plan A and I really think that a phone call to SH would be very helpfull in formulating a situation specific plan.

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McB,

So much to say and little time to do it. You said
Quote
Now I feel if I am emotional and cry in front of him, he is going to think I Am just scared to be on my own. I think in a way I have to show him that no matter how painful I will go through with the divorce because that will show him that I am not staying out of fear. It is a catch 22, if I show him how much I don't want a divorce, he doesn't believe it and thinks I am just staying until something better comes along or until the baby is old enough... if I go through with the divorce and agree to it all, then it seem as if I have given up and don't want my marriage.

I really don't know what to do. I am trying to stay calm, not freak out, not cry at the drop of a hat (in front of him) and trying to do the things that I will need to do in order to be on my own.

Ok, here is a clue...honesty. Why don't you simply try honesty instead of trying to play games. I don't want cry because he may think... I want to show him I am willing to divorce... I want, I want.

Oddly if you love the man and want this marriage why not simply tell him this. You have no control if he divorces you, but you are a fool if you think playing games instead of being honest with him will work.

If you want to remain married to him...tell him.

Better yet IF you want to remain married to him...answer this simple question, WHY?

WHY do you want to remain married to him?

Is it for the kids (not a wrong reason).

Is it because you know more than you did even a few months a go?

Is it because you respect him?

Is it because you actually do see good in him?

Is it because you actually want to be his partner?

Is it because you are afraid?

Is it because he would make a better father to your youngest than anyone else?

Is it because it would be more convenient?

You need to be brutally honest as to why you want to remain married to him IF you really do. If the answer were to be yes to all of these questions, then tell him.

You also should be talking to him about his anger, but in a way that is constructive. You do know that anger is a secondary emotion driven by primary ones such as; fear, frustration, pain, etc.

Ask him what he fears, what images hurt him the most, discuss with him the issues of your new child and what HE sees as possible solutions. Talk with your kids and get their input about your H and relay it to him.

YOU need to open up the dialogue. You already know that what OM did to your family and specifically to your H HURT BIG TIME. Have you acknowledged that? YOu don't need to apologize for OM, you need to apologize for bringing OM into your lives.

McB, there used to be a lady that posted here. Currently I cannot remember her name but I will. She was divorced by her H because she had a long term affair. She did NOT realize what she had lost and her kids had lost until the ink was on the divorce decree, she was THAT fogged out.

Her goal was to somehow reunite her family and she did it. It took several years, and a lot of rejection by her exH, but she did it. She was/(and I presume still is) very happy and so was their children and her H.

If anyone else can remember her user name, please chime in, I am sure it will come to me, but age <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> is getting to me it seems.

I agree that you should make plans to take care of your family IF he does not change his mind, but I would remind you that he may well change his mind after the divorce. You can have the marriage you want, but you know what it will require???? HONESTY. Your H needs to know of your dreams, and more he needs to know HIS PLACE in your dreams.

Your marriage was not good before this, but DUH!, that is usually how it happens. Nevertheless, you can learn, have learned, and if you are willing to learn more, your marriage can be much better. Your H needs to know you understand this.

What is required on the part of both of you is NOT CHANGING yourselves. It is changing your perspectives about each other, marriage, and commitment.

Please think about this. And quit with the excuses. When I asked
Quote
Have you talked to him about his feelings concerning what OM did to HIM. Do you need a list to help you recall?

You answered
Quote
not really... he only tells me he is angry about it all, but he won't elaborate.

That is just an excuse from you. YOU need to talk to him about HIS pain. You need to get him to open up and you need to listen, and take all advice you can get on how to do this. If you want this marriage, you cannot take NO for an answer.

Time to toughen up McB. Your marriage rides on you being something you have not been for a while: tough, honest, relentless, and loving.

Again, please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

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Quote
If anyone else can remember her user name, please chime in, I am sure it will come to me, but age is getting to me it seems.


I've been knocking on this door ... but no one's home <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I can't remember either ....

it was a long haul plan
but she did it

Pep

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the title of this thread has been bugging me

FALSE RECOVERY

it is just not accurate

recovery is supposed to be
this difficult
this up & down
this uneasy
this fragile
and this UNcertain of success

our recovery was full of doubt
and we had NC immediately, no OC to contend with, and we had a lot of geographical distance between families

I was contemplating divorce many many times ... especially the first year, but also once or twice the second year as well

in fact, after watching the movie "Waiting to Exhale" ... I actually wrote up my personal "escape plan" .... where I would live, how I whould survive ... if I decided to divorce

so Becca ~~~> get back to work

this is NOT a "false recovery"

it's just a damn tough one full of misery

the backwash of adultery is misery

get through it
work toward your goal

Pep

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Tripple ditto.

If FWSs knew what was lurking in the minds and hearts of their BSs most of the time they'd never sleep unarmed.

It's not a false recovery unless the A resumes...that is the intended meaning of the term.

This? This is par for the course..normal...expected...etc as so many have said.

Sometimes it does result in divorce but...not very often and his signals are not consistent with someone who is seriously out the door.

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Ihope that doesn't give a false sense of security though...your reactions here are probably very important.

I agree with JL...please be honest and tough...don't protect yourself with giving him what you think he wants...be naked and vulnerable with humility.

It's SCARY but it is NOT too much to ask.

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I may be off base here..haven't been keeping up closely..but I want to add this...

Part of his response that night may have to do with you REJECTING HIM SEXUALLY..bringing up the reading material...

THAT IS/WAS A MAJOR, MAJOR SOREPOINT FOR MY HUSBAND and many men..it's not about the sex as much as them feeling DISRESPECTED..

The book LOVE AND RESPECT stresses that DISRESPECT hurt a man's SOUL.....

my .o1 cent...

I barely lived through more than one FALSE RECOVERY..and yes, this is not that....

RECOVERY is just as hard if not harder..I called ourselves..THE WALKING WOUNDED..full of HOLES INTO OUR SOULS...EMOTIONALLY RAW....A very difficult, difficult time interval....


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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He actually initiated the talk, we were cuddling in bed and I just simply said "I love you" and he said "I know you do" and that's how it started.

He talked for the most part and I just kept my BIG mouth shut as I really wanted to listen to what he was saying. He said the THREE things that are forcing him to make this decision.

First - the lies.... he said he just cannot get over all the lying that went on during and after the A. He said he was so emotional last year for fear of losing me, until now he really didn't see it for what it is. All the lying (because I kept the PA part of the A from him).

Second - Trust... how can he trust me ever! how can he move on KNOWING that at any sign of trouble I could find the SAME excuses and do it again.

Third - Our children... what kind of message would he be sending to the girls by agreeing to stay with me after what I've done? does that mean he is condoning infidelity? that there are no consequences for actions like this? what if one of their husbands or even themselves became "cheaters"? would we want them to just stay with them after they've been cheated on?


So those are the reasons he gives me for not being able to do anything else other than a divorce.

I didn't say much because I just didn't know this is how he felt. It was the first time I was really hearing all of this.

He said sure I can say over and over that this will NEVER happen again but what happens when our marriage goes through a rough spot in the future? what if once again I feel justified have an A? He said no matter what I say right now, the truth is from now on for BOTH OF US there will always be an excuse to do it.

One thing that he did ask me was "you need to figure out if you want this marriage the way it is because most likely it will ALWAYS be this way. IF that is enough for you, then we can proceed but if you feel that your needs aren't met or you want more, then we have to divorce because sooner or later you will use that as an excuse for another A"

He keeps hearing me say how I Want a better marriage, how we need to change to make it so etc... and reading this line:
What is required on the part of both of you is NOT CHANGING yourselves. It is changing your perspectives about each other, marriage, and commitment.

right now just made SO MUCH sense to me!!! I need to change my perspective and forget about the "fairytale" and just accept things as they are.

I know in my heart I will NEVER again allow anyone else in my life as I did with OM. Even if I have to lock myself in a room for the rest of my life, I will NEVER be able to do this again. What I need to do is give him all the reasons why I DO want this marriage "AS IS"....

The biggest reason is I do love this man! He is someone I have always admired in many ways, and in many ways I want to be like him. My flaws are his strength and vice versa.

What OM gave me, the ONLY thing I can say I probably wanted from him was communication. BH is more reserved and quiet. BUT one of the reasons why we don't communicate as well anymore is because we DON'T have the time! with children, work and activities we don't have time to sit and talk for hours like we did when we first got married.

He did agree that we would need to make our M a priority and not our children as we always have. The children will benefit more if both of us are happy.

He said for him the marriage before was just right. He said sure it wasn't "perfect" but that was OK with him. He doesn't want "perfect" he wants what we had (before the A of course).

So ladies and gents... that was our talk. I do love my BH, I think I have and had pitty for OM as he was/is such a broken soul and somehow I thought our friendship could help him!! that goes back to another need of mine which is why I will now start volunteering and put it to good use!!

So any advice? thoughts?

We just left it at that.... didn't decide one way or the other. I want to tell him about this line that I just read because that is EXACTLY what he was trying to say and I didn't quite see it that way. We compliment each other so no, we don't need to change necessarily (sure, I need to change my bounderies and realize no more opposite sex friendships EVER) but ultimately what I need to change is my perspective of what a good marriage should be.

B


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
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J
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Quote
One thing that he did ask me was "you need to figure out if you want this marriage the way it is because most likely it will ALWAYS be this way. IF that is enough for you, then we can proceed but if you feel that your needs aren't met or you want more, then we have to divorce because sooner or later you will use that as an excuse for another A"

If he says this again, tell him this is what you want even if it is always this way. It is enough for me, but I will always try to make things better.

Quote
He did agree that we would need to make our M a priority and not our children as we always have. The children will benefit more if both of us are happy.

He said for him the marriage before was just right. He said sure it wasn't "perfect" but that was OK with him. He doesn't want "perfect" he wants what we had (before the A of course).

This doesn't sound like imminent divorce to me.

Well show him how much better it will be than what was OK with him. Continue to meet his ENs. Right don't talk about R/M unless he brings it up, and then don't argue. He is going through a resentment phase that will pass.

Dr. Harley says this. "If a spouse consistently meets the others top 5 ENs and avoids LB, they will find that spouse irresistable and fall in love with them." As the M starts to improve and his love bank gets filled back up, then push him a little more to meet your needs. You are okay, Dr. Harley says it may take several years to recover from infidelity and having an OC is probably one of the worst cases to have to deal with.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,525
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McB...

This is not the conversation of a man who is walking away.

He is having the SAME SAME SAME thoughts as all of us and trouble forgiving himself for forgiving you or even wanting to.


Bob pure has a whole thread dedicated to this issue on the recovery board..maybe checking it out will help give some insight.

He is having trouble volunteering for another dose of abuse and as of yet he really does NOT have any compelling reason to think that if you were unhappy you wouldn't do the same thing because he is not you and can not experience your affair from your perspective. He is not seeing YOU yet as the blend of post and pre and duration of A Becca...he is likely still watching through the eyes of an actively BS and it will warp his persepctive.

What he knows is that you are capable of lying to him and having sex with another man behind his back and justifying it. he doesn't trust you yet..not in practical matters and certainly not with his heart.

It takes TIME for his perspective to change and he will have to heal to a certain degree before he can see your regret and genuine remorse at something besides just the consequences for yourself.

The whole world is telling him he is a fool and there is no comfort anywhere.

Do what you can to be a comfort..what sorts of activities did he enjoy when you were dating or newly married?

Can you find a way to ditch some of the demands and even the kids more regularly and work on the RA and companionship element?

Can you get in 15 hrs a week without making it part of a program [read chore]and instead just say...I'd like to see a movie friday, seen any interesting previews lately?

For me this was very helpfull. I had to learn to LIKE my H again before I was willing to love him again or make any sort of commitment.

I would advise no more relationship talks that aren't started by him for a short period of time and just focus on filling the ENs that he will let you fill. Have fun together..watch movies, play charades, go eat something weird that makes you both laugh and get grossed out...low pressure fun activities.

SF is tricky..on the one hand you don't want to reject him..on the other understand that having sex with you is likely ...very likely...triggering him. The mental movies are EXCRUCIATING.

There are a lot of threads around on the recovery board about people dealing with that as well.

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