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I didn't say much because I just didn't know this is how he felt. It was the first time I was really hearing all of this.


good for both of you!

EVERY BS feels some version of this turmoil ....

it was difficult for him to say
and it was difficult for you to listen to it

GOOD JOB

Pep

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Our oldest DD can babysit our little one now and I just need to do it! I am always thinking "oh but spending time with the kids is so important" but the truth is our kids have us ALL the time! We used to enjoy long talks during dinner at some new restaurant, movies too. I am just going to do what you suggested without much planning just pick a movie and go, pick a restaurant and go.

We had the BEST talks during dinner but now we rarely get to go to dinner without the kids and well, talk is nearly impossible then!

The thing is SF is a big deal to me too. I feel connected to him if we are intimate on a regular basis, he doesn't quite realize that and I am afraid to say it because I am afraid he will think "Oh so this is why you got pregnant" so I guess it is probably a trigger for both us right now.

He did notice I've been rather quiet but part of that is simly because I don't feel I can SAY much anymore, I need to DO more. Actions speak louder than words right?

B


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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Sounds good Becca.

Great to have a built in sitter [ours is still cooking..lol...but we can't wait till she's ready] I'd suggest keep conversation light and fun...this is en deposit not relationship dissection time.

Not dismissing the need for FS or saying you shouldn't...more a heads up that it may be affecting him and why.

It's so inportant to rebuild those structures of friendship and loverdom...if the kids have to wait for your attention it is nothing but good life training. They will be FINE and will have much healthier expectations with regard to what keeps a marriage afloat.

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Just as another heads up..expect some backlash if and when things are going well in this department.

It means he's starting to invest/want and is meeting some internal resistance.

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It's so inportant to rebuild those structures of friendship and loverdom...if the kids have to wait for your attention it is nothing but good life training. They will be FINE and will have much healthier expectations with regard to what keeps a marriage afloat.

Plus, recovering your M is the greatest gift you can give your children. I think all children would gladly give up some "mommy/daddy and me" time to have their parents remain M and happy.

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Becca,
Please take this in the spirit in which it is offered and understand that I may be able to relate to your BH pretty well, given my sitch...

(2X4 alert)

The next time you are about to SF with your husband and you feel the urge to discuss literature you sent him to fix or teach him a lesson - stop. Don't say ANYTHING. Just SF. Raise literature stuff like when you're in the car driving for four hours, especially the kind that shows how lousy a husband you think he is being... talking about that is not foreplay FOR ANYMAN. Meet his needs. Don't LB. Stop trying to educate him. That isn't YOUR JOB! Your job is to focus on meeting HIS NEEDS. Not train HIM TO MEET YOURS! Until he feels he can trust you, your love, your emotions, your actions, your morals, your intentions, your behaviors, there is just YOU DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES!

Not intentionally, but it sounds like you have slipped into, "Now that we're back let me fix you so that I won't have to cheat on you anymore"..... that's what HE HEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop telling him this, by trying to educate him... it only makes him (or any man for that matter) feel inept. IF YOU WANT A LIFETIME WITH YOUR HUSBAND, you need to be prepared to carry the load for much longer than you FORCED HIM TO CARRY THE LOAD during your A.

OK, I'll put my 2X4s away now.

((((((((((hugs BECCA))))))))))))

Heartsore


BH = Me 38; WW = 35; DS = 5, DD = 3, DD = 14 mo.
Feb 2006 = EA/PA started
May 19 & Aug. 15, 2006 = D-Days
Nov. 3, 2006 = Divorce Papers - (EA/PA ongoing)
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You are all so right, I keep wanting him to be someone he is NOT but at the same time, I want him to be who he is because if he becomes someone else, I may NOT want him!!! ooooiiiiyyyy did anyone GET that?? LOL!!

My expectations have always been so high in terms of relationships and I have always felt like he never measured up!

I will continue to listen and talk when he is ready. I know that at worse case scenerio we divorce but maybe this time is good for me to be able to give him back SOME of the respect I took away by boinking that PIECE OF SH*T OM!!!

B


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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LOL Becca

I love it when you show your spirit

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

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M,

I think Noodle has a great "NOODLE".

She see's things very well from the BS point of view.

As a FBS I can tell you I was exactly where your BH is now. After my FWW told me, D-Day, she ended her A. I had supected for many months, nearly a year, but never confirmed. After D-day we both went into a deep dark place for about 3 month. Then she went "I'm over it let's go on". I on the other hand had never even started to get over it. We talked some for a few more months but she finally felt that since it was over and I was still not letting it go that she no longer wanted to talk about it because " I was just punishing her"


In some ways that may have been true. I finally sat down and thought about it and decided that I would never be getting the answers I needed because there were no such answers. There was no reason for her A it just was. "Sh## Happens"

Kind of a weird realization for me but true.

I decided that for us to move on with our M it was ecessary for me to put it behind us and not use it any longer as punishment or leverage etc. So that's is what I did. We then started moving on with life. Doing the things we always loved doing and inventing new things that we learned to love as much as the old. We met for lunch in the park went for walks and just talked about us about what we wanted to do in our life together. No further A talk.

We visited about 30 national parks over the course of the next few years with our son. Just did a lot of being a family and living life.

It was not until I started reading here recently that my wife realized that I was still thinking about this. I finally explained to her that although I had never said anything to her about it, Never a day goes by that I still do not, at some time or other, think about that very dark time in our life. It will always be there but I choose not to dwell on it or let it dictate our happiness in life.

My only reason for posting this is so that you may in some way begin to grasp the level of hurt you have heaped upon your BS.

My wife never really did until very recently.

I also would hope your BH can see that his actions are not going to make for a better M for you. He needs to come grip with it and this stuff happens and he needs to decide if he wants this M to work then he needs to work on it.

We have had a very good life together and are doing even better as time goes by.


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McBecca,

QUOTE:
"Second - Trust... how can he trust me ever! how can he move on KNOWING that at any sign of trouble I could find the SAME excuses and do it again."

This is the question that needs answering, IMO. If you can answer this, then he will KNOW that it will not happen again. AS I see it, this is how a WS becomes a FWS. You won't find this answer in a book or in a post on this site. It can only come from within YOU. How do you KNOW that it can't happen again, given the same or worse state in your marriage?

For a BS, the greatest agony is in trying so hard to "fix" what is wrong w/ the M, knowing that it cannot be sustained at that level forever. A BS needs to know that they don't have to be perfect, can have a lapse in meeting ENs and still not have to worry about what will happen.

What boundaries have YOU established for yourself that guarantee that you will not look outside your M to get your ENs met...ever?!

You need to show him what you have done and are continuing to do along these lines. The day every BS lives for is the day that you know that you don't have to police the relationship because the FWS is doing that job for you. Then all the BS has to do is police their OWN boundaries. When that day arrives, the M is restored to its rightful place.

As others have already said, it ain't instant pudding. Recovery is HARD work. It takes a LONG time. Stop trying to teach him where he went wrong and SHOW him how you know that you will never go wrong again.

The question isn't "Why did I do this?"; it is "How did I let this happen to US?" A BS knows they weren't meeting their WS's ENs but their own ENs weren't being met either. What allowed the WS to break the vows they made and the BS didn't do so? You aren't looking for a CAUSE without, but a LAPSE within.

Mark

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McB,

I believe it was you that I spoke with about your H when you first came here. You had a message from him and somehow found it lacking in information. I recall pointing out to you that your H had in fact given you a huge amount of information.

I mention this in light of what you just said to me.

You said your H was a very private man and did not speak of his feelings and emotions. Then you post
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He actually initiated the talk, we were cuddling in bed and I just simply said "I love you" and he said "I know you do" and that's how it started.

He talked for the most part and I just kept my BIG mouth shut as I really wanted to listen to what he was saying. He said the THREE things that are forcing him to make this decision.

First - the lies.... he said he just cannot get over all the lying that went on during and after the A. He said he was so emotional last year for fear of losing me, until now he really didn't see it for what it is. All the lying (because I kept the PA part of the A from him).

Second - Trust... how can he trust me ever! how can he move on KNOWING that at any sign of trouble I could find the SAME excuses and do it again.

Third - Our children... what kind of message would he be sending to the girls by agreeing to stay with me after what I've done? does that mean he is condoning infidelity? that there are no consequences for actions like this? what if one of their husbands or even themselves became "cheaters"? would we want them to just stay with them after they've been cheated on?


So those are the reasons he gives me for not being able to do anything else other than a divorce.

First, don't you think those are valid reasons for him to divorce you? Second, do you see HOW much information he has given you? He has told you of his deepest feelings and fears. He has opened up to you and yet I sense you don't see this. This is part of the perspective change I am talking about.

But, McB if you change your perspective you will also see something else in his list of reasons. What I see is he is ASKING you to address them. I believe he WANTS you and loves you, but YOU have to change your perspective enough to address his reasons. This is NOT a test on his part, it is a plea for help. The man is asking you to help him and his has told you specifically where he needs help.

Now there are no glib words you can say to respond to his plea and make it all better, but there are words associated with actions that will let him know you actually HEARD him and you willing to address his reasons.

So let's take them one at a time and I will offer you my thoughts for your consideration. I suspect you will receive many other thoughts as well.

But, first did you tell him that his reasons are valid? If not you should. Walk up to him and tell him you have been thinking about his reasons for getting a divorce and you realize they are real, they are powerful and they are valid.

Then you look the man in the eye and tell him you intend to address those reasons with actions and words because
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The biggest reason is I do love this man! He is someone I have always admired in many ways, and in many ways I want to be like him. My flaws are his strength and vice versa.

I now realize
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What OM gave me, the ONLY thing I can say I probably wanted from him was communication. BH is more reserved and quiet. BUT one of the reasons why we don't communicate as well anymore is because we DON'T have the time! with children, work and activities we don't have time to sit and talk for hours like we did when we first got married.
And more importantly you (H) and I agree that
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He did agree that we would need to make our M a priority and not our children as we always have. The children will benefit more if both of us are happy.
And part of that priority is my realization that I need to change my perspective on our marriage
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He said for him the marriage before was just right. He said sure it wasn't "perfect" but that was OK with him. He doesn't want "perfect" he wants what we had (before the A of course).
My goal and promise to you, H, is to not make the marriage perfect, but to ENJOY the marriage we have. To ENJOY you, our children, our time together.

McB, why would you be saying such things even if it is me putting those words in your mouth?? I'll tell you why.

IF you change your perspective and decide to ENJOY your H, see the humor in his failings, enjoy your children and savor their growing, take JOY in your life and the trials and tribulations...YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR MARRIAGE. IT is not about going back to pre-A, it is about changing how you savor and enjoy the marriage.

Now let's consider his reasons for leaving. The first one was
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First - the lies.... he said he just cannot get over all the lying that went on during and after the A. He said he was so emotional last year for fear of losing me, until now he really didn't see it for what it is. All the lying (because I kept the PA part of the A from him).

Ok, we can list why you lied right?

1. You did not want to hurt him or your family.
2. You wanted to protect yourself( huge reason to lie right?)
3. You wanted to continue the affair, right?

What other reasons? Did any of them include hurting him, not really, BUT you knew he would be hurt if he found the lies. You lied because you were in the affair, you did not start the affair because you lied.

Do you see the distinction? If normally you are an honest person, the way you avoid lying is to avoid being in situations that will lead to lying. So while you can promise not to lie again, what you really need to do is develop and PLAN with him so that lying is never a temptation. I think with regard to the lying your best defense is simply to admit you did it for your purposes and the purposes where those you were ashamed of. Your plan now is to be "radically honest" so that YOU AND YOUR H can head off situations wehre lying seems to be the best course of action, even knowing it never is a good course.

You cannot take back the lies, but you can develop a plan to avoid lying again. Further, you might point out given all that you have done and have had to face, you KNOW that being honest would be easier. THink about this abit.

Now on to the next reason
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Second - Trust... how can he trust me ever! how can he move on KNOWING that at any sign of trouble I could find the SAME excuses and do it again.

Excellent question and one that has been asked by the many thousands of BS's that have posted on this site, and millions more that have never posted. Your short answer to him, is that he has no need to trust you right now, you will be transparent to him, he is free to check, he is free to ask questions.

But, you might consider discussing what trust really is. It is the ability to use past actions to predict future behavior. The most recent behavior is the most heavily weighed of course. He can trust you, if he will do two things. First, he needs to recall that for most of your marriage, you have been trustworthy even in rough spots. Yes you failed terribly...ONCE. But, you have learned some hard lessons and the consequences will be felt for the rest of your life whether he stays or goes.

The second part is more straight forward. He needs to allow you to SHOW him that you can be trusted. If he will allow you time to build up the data base with trustworthy actions he can develop trust, but simply letting you be what you want to be, trustworthy. He does not have to do anything except watch, and check up as he pleases. You are alright with him checking on you, in fact you will encourage it.

Now here is something neither of you might have considered and it comes under the heading of perception. Most people complain when the BS checks up on them, they feel it is an invasion. Yet, the same WS's say "He/She never cared or loved me." My take on this is that checking up on you shows his care AND love. Tell the man the more he checks the more you will love it because it shows he cares and that is after all you ever wanted to really be sure of in the marriage...his care and his love.

Odd isn't it? Checking up goes from being something that shows lack of trust, to something that shows care and love. It is all in the perspective isn't it?

Let's take a look at the last one. I am so glad he brought this one up because it opens soooooo many doors for you and he to really do some positive things.

He said
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Third - Our children... what kind of message would he be sending to the girls by agreeing to stay with me after what I've done? does that mean he is condoning infidelity? that there are no consequences for actions like this? what if one of their husbands or even themselves became "cheaters"? would we want them to just stay with them after they've been cheated on?

Ok, do your daughters know of the affair? If they don't then his reasoning isn't valid is it? But, if you two have decided to tell them in age appropriate ways or they already know, then your H has the OPPORTUNITY to decide what kind of message this gives them. You also have an OPPORTUNITY to show your daughters many things, but let me address your H's options.

It seems to me if he decides to remain married to you and rear OM's daughter as his own, that your daughters are going to learn some very very powerful lessons.

1. That forgiveness is a great attribute to have because the family is going to thrive within the context of your H's forgiveness, grace and leadership.

2. That he is a very very devoted and strong man. He honors his family and tries to do what is best for his children.

3. That he is a man that can see the innocence of a child even one that is not his biologically and love that child.

4. That he is a man that has been deeply hurt (they will know this really only as they reach adulthood), but overcame it.

5. He is a man that learns and grows from adversity.

6. He is a man to be respected and honored.

How is that for starters? Would you like your daughters to have those same attributes?

Now what would your daughters learn from you?

1. You have had the strength to face your failing.

2. You have had the strength to learn from your failings.

3. You overcame your failings and became the woman you always wanted to be.

4. That one mistake no matter how grievous can be overcome with an open mind, a good heart, and lot of hard work.

5. It helps to marry the RIGHT man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I think I could go on, but it seems to me your children stand to learn alot more from both of you IF you two can change your perspectives and make this marriage work.

I have rattled on long enough, but I hope that you see McB, you do have a lot to talk about with your H, and it starts with validating his points of view and starting to change your perspectives. Your H is not perfect and never will be, but he does have his strengths and those are carrying things right now.

What this man needs is YOUR support in validating his feelings. In explaining to him his strengths. In showing him how to smile and love. In showing him his OPPORTUNITIES. What he does not need is you trying to change him or educate him. Work from his strengths McB and I think you may have a good chance of having better marriage but probably NOT a perfect one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I hope this helps you.

God Bless,

JL

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JL, you are just simply amazing. Do you realize how many people you help here? You turned my day around with this post. Maybe you turned my marriage around too.

Thank you...
~Saturn


Me: 45
Him: 47
married 23 years
Two wonderful sons
D-day for my EA: 8/15/04
D-day for his PAs: 8/16/06

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SaturnRising,

You are more than kind. I do hope that sometimes I say things that help. I am glad something I have said has helped you.

God Bless,

JL

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Something in this thread just caught my eye...and this line from good ol' noodle really stood out to me:

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I'm telling you that having survived a spouses waywardness is *half* the battle...the other half is surviving your own.


Yes, yes, yes. I'm the BW, Becca, and you are getting excellent advice here. EXCELLENT. Start Plan A'ing like crazy ~ if you really want to save your M, that is. And DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT point out any of his behaviors and/or problems in the M that might possibly sound like you are trying to justify your A. STEER CLEAR OF THAT FOR NOW.

I'm only saying this because I am in a very similar place to your H, except (Thank God!!!), my H is really starting to "get it" now and is working hard at trying to meet my ENs. But let me tell you, about 2 months ago, I WAS DONE. I even started formulating my "plan" in my head. I had Plan A'ed my [censored] off for months and months, both while the A had gone on, and then for 6 more months while he was all fogged out. And during that time I got NONE OF MY NEEDS MET. I had finally just had enough. I knew I was in trouble when I started asking myself "what in the heck do I love about him anyways?!?!? OW can have him, he sucks!" And my eyes started wandering...and I started thinking "Hmm, if I got D'ed, I could probably go out with that guy...or that one...or that one." Yeah, I knew I was in trouble. And then all of a sudden ~ bam, he started to come around. And things have changed and are still changing. Far from perfect, but at least now he's trying to meet my needs ~ not perfect, but trying.

Forget about getting your needs met for a while ~ your H deserves to be pampered and treated like royalty for what he's gone through. This will be a huge turn-on for him, and he won't be able to help but fall in love with you again. TRUST ME. I'm sure that's hard ~ locking your taker up ~ but it's the only way it's gonna work. How long was your affair? How long were you all fogged out? Whatever that time frame is, double or triple it and know that you're going to have to Plan A your BH for that long, in order to even try to start to repair the damage.

The good news is, I would bet a lot of money that once you start totally selflessly meeting his needs for some time, he's going to start meeting yours as well ~ he won't be able to help it, because he'll be "in love" with you again.

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He is at work or at home pretty much. The only chance is during his trips to Chicago but even then it is all coworkers and he is afraid to death of being taken the wrong way as a manager etc. He is very cautios with how he approaches women for fear of being suit by some lunatic!

He also says his morals and religion wouldn't let him do that. But of course, we know someone scorned is capable of anything.


DO NOT BE SO SURE. My H was ALWAYS home or at work too. ALWAYS. Most of his A was conducted via cell phone (it was a long distance EA at first), and when it turned into a PA, I was told he had to work a little "overtime" (yeah, he was "working overtime" all right) ~ it was NEVER like he was gone alot or anything ~ you can have sex in a matter of minutes if you want. Not that he did, but I'm just trying to illustrate that it doesn't have to take that long...a few hours here or there. That's it. Keep your eye out, a severely burned BS is very susceptible to an A. And your H has been severely burned.

And as Heartsore said (BTW, hiya HS!!!) ~ "...be the lighthouse!".

Your H needs you now ~ needs YOU to take over the recovery for the M. He's tired and burned out ~ trust me, I know.

Good luck...

~MF


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

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Dear McBecca.

I am writing you to try to hope you can see how the shoe feels when it's the woman wearing them...I was you see, on a similar type receiving end of what your BH is living right now...and maybe if I can put it in my words for you, you can be able to be a BETTER HELP to him...

First of all, this man, the OM, is a horrid predator seeking to actively destroy your H...the man who DID stand by you...he went to his place of employment and told their friends the dirt...the awful dirty shame. And he can't get past it. He's hurt beyond words...he's shamed. He feels like you're maybe not being up front w/him or trying to morph him into "somebody like the OM monster" guy...all the while you haven't gotten the OM to sign off on paternity papers. How can your BH feel and regain his heart, dignity, and maybe learn to love the Oc? I can tell you...by kissing off the OM forever and for good. First of all that will mean by LOSING EGO all together right now. You still have some...there's still a small even teensy bit of WS still there...I read it in your words...here's a snippet of my perception...

you wrote, "My expectations have always been so high in terms of relationships and I have always felt like he never measured up!"

Well McB...he MORE THAN MEASURED UP...he didn't leave and hasn't divorced you yet has he?

Now let me tell you woman to woman how you'd feel if you had to walk in HIS SHOES FOR ONE DAY...

I remember...I was divorced 2 months when I had to meet my xh for a drop off with my son. I would not let the man at my home, and met him nearby for the child exchange. There, I saw my xh...the man who I'd been up until sixty days earlier married to and around for almost a decade standing there with his hands in his pockets...he never did that before..it was not his usual stance. I knew he was hiding something.

He was hiding the bracelet that they give new dads at the hospital when they become daddies. The one that lets them see their babies. I remember telling him to take those dam#ed hands out of his pockets...I saw it...and I remember feeling as though 10,000 knives were simultaneously stabbed into my heart and back. I remember not being able to breathe. And I remember asking him about the name..begging and pleading that no, he didn't name the child the name I had chosen for our son had he been a girl...

He got tears in his eyes and said the name was firmly chosen and that it was that name. I almost collapsed to the floor. But for my ds's sake, I held most of it in...only falling to pieces when I drove home.

That has to be one of the most selfish things in the world to do to a spouse. Not only cheat, but cheat with selfishness that one DOESN'T CONSIDER OR BOTHER TO THINK ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL OR A CONDOM...they just can't control it...so they do it without regard. Or thinking about a baby.

Now how do I feel about the Oc? I harbor NO RESENTMENT WHATSOEVER TO THAT CHILD. I teach my son to be sweet to her and I always remember to get her a present and a book to her for holidays and birthdays. I hurt for that baby b/c she is a gift from God and she's got two egocentric parents..one a golddigging egg donor and the other a narcissistic sperm donor. And I know their M will not last, their affair M that is...but I do know that my precious little boy needs a good relationship with his sister also and I will always help him maintain that...as that poor little one will have upheaval I fear again and again in her little life.

If you can show your BS that the OM is forever gone and is not to ever be a parent to that baby, and over time he can grow even as I did to see the beauty and love that precious child can offer its siblings and one day even him, he will be more of a man than you can imagine...the ultimate H ever!

But you gotta see it thru the eyes of one who was hurt and bled emotionally like nothing else.

Please be strong. You created this drama...for the WHOLE FAMILY...NOT JUST YOUR H...and created it for the baby too.

McB...my friend, the only way to get outta this is to GO THRU IT AND DO IT WITH DIGNITY...and love and with a heart committed to family, love, renewal and tomorrow.

That means get the OM outta your life forever and TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES to show your BH that this is the case! I swear in the recesses of his mind, he doesn't feel you've done that or his actions would be backing off a bit.

When I read how the OM told mutual friends and coworkers of your H, I was livid and angered beyond anything I've read here in some time. That man is a low life scumsucker of the lowest life form to crawl this earth. What a malehobag he is. I hope he now disgusts you.

Please recover your M. For your kids...for this precious baby...for yourself...and for the BH.

Please commit 100 percent to your BH and give him the honor and dignity of nothing less than a truly repentant heart showing that YOU HAVE CHANGED...request NOTHING from him for a while. YOU DID THE DEEDS...NOW YOU CARRY THAT BURDEN.

It ain't a light load...but this family depends on your strength and return to character and morality if it is to survive.

My prayers are with you all. God's blessings to you for a renewed family this year.


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
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McBecca Offline OP
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I appreciate EVERYONE'S posts of course but thank you so much for going down line by line for me... you know, my mind has been all over the place these last few months, I am still shocked that so many things which stand VERY clear now, were so "foggy" for me for so long.

You know, if someone had told me how I would feel today vs how I felt 3 or 4 months ago.. I wouldn't believe it! Sure NC has a lot to do with it, to be able to see things clearly etc. But I have to give God all the credit too. I kept asking him for a resolution to my situation, I kept thinking perhaps D was what is best for everyone. How stup*d of me to think that! I kept thinking I was in love with OM and now I realize just like all other WS I was in love with how he made me feel. The only thing he gave me that BH didn't was fill my need for conversation! OMG I ruined our lives for THAT? sometimes I wish there was more, but there isn't.... I don't care about him as a person. HE is selfish, imature, arrogant, gosh so many other things I could never tolerate in people... but I had convinced myself that I Was in love! I think looking at it all now, it was just a way to completely justify my actions. It was a way to put blame on BH when the only person to blame was me!

The saddest thing is that now I see that all I had to do to "fix" the things that were not going well in my M was for ME to talk to BH about them. For ME to open up to him. Instead I let resentment build and I convinced myself that he wouldn't care to hear those things.... I NEVER EVEN GAVE HIM A CHANCE!!! Ack!!

Oh well... realizing the reasons for my actions will only keep me from repeating those mistakes right?

Thank you so much, I know there is a lot of work ahead of me yet and God only knows if I could ever win back BH's heart but you know what? I brought us into this mess... I will take us out!!

Thanks so much for your post... I will read it daily!
Love

B


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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If you will read and listen here and most importantly have the attitude you espoused above then you can help lead your family out of this disaster.

Lastly, what has become of the the OM's involvement or lack thereof?

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McB,

IT seems to me that if you read my last post to you, there is something in it you missed. You just said
Quote
Thank you so much, I know there is a lot of work ahead of me yet and God only knows if I could ever win back BH's heart but you know what? I brought us into this mess... I will take us out!!

I like your attitude, but what you missed is that you AND your H will take "US" out of it. That is the part that is hard to understand for both the WS and the BS.

I think you need to talk to him about the things we dicussed earlier, but you need to tell him you are ready and willing for him to "lead US" out of it. You need his help and you will do all you can.

You see part of what got you into this mess was thinking that YOU could do what was necessary. You did NOT let your H in on the plan nor the issues, YOU tried to solve the problem, whatever it truly was. Now this time, rely on your religious faith, ask your H if you can rely on you, and promise to HELP rebuild this marriage.

Life is a team sport McB. You and your H each need to know that the other one is an intimate and integral part of the team.

You are doing well, and with perspective changes that have come and are coming you two can find a very deep happiness.

God Bless,

JL

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McBecca Offline OP
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You read a message that is now over a year old to OM and you watch to PUKE because you are so disgusted with yourself! *insert PUKING icon here*

Ack! Hi everyone.... I thought I post a little update.... So here I am 4 months of NC, feeling absolutely NOTHING, ZERO, NADA for OM. ACtually.. there is a feeling associated with OM now that wasn't there before, shame! I feel sooooooooo freaking ashamed for that relationship :-( I wish I had known then what I know now. The sucess or failure of my M was in my hands all along but I was too blind to see that.

So here we are.... BH and I haven't finalized anything. We are actually quite loving towards one another. I am enjoying once again my life as his wife. I am no longer looking for all his flaws, instead I am rejoicing in his strength, his courage, his determination among so many other great qualities he has.

We've had a few talks but I try to let him initiate these talks. I have learned so much about the pain he is in. Remorse and regret is all I feel every time we talk but I know we have to talk about these things.

I had a HUGE panic attack this week because he is traveling and I had convinced myself that he is having a revenge A. I tried so hard not to confront him about it, but I did find a way to bring up the topic, he reassured me that as much as that may seem like the vindictive thing to do, he can't do it. He said although he could use my A as an excuse, it won't do any good to bring someone else into this mess and worse yet how could he explain to God his actions. But I know he is human,I am sure he is tempted and I Am sure it isn't easy for him to stay faithful now.

So here we are. I am not sure we are in "recovery" or what... I am afraid to ask him if he still wants a D. I don't know what else I can do at this point so I thought I check in with you my friends.

He told me just yesterday how he's kept ALL The emails he has from OM and I. He said he cannot bring himself to delete them yet. He said he doesn't know why he still has them but he feels he needs to keep them for now.

He also said he is afraid that he will never be able to meet all my needs and that is his biggest fear and what keeps him from moving forward. I once again just listened to him and didn't really say much. I want to tell him that meeting my emotional needs is alot easier than he thinks, I finally KNOW that it wasn't that he wasn't meeting my needs as much as the fact that I wasn't LETTING HIM meet my needs. IT was easy for me to dismiss any sign from him before, to dismiss any attempt from him. I allowed resentment to get between us and so any and all attempts from him were useless.

But... I couldn't say anything. I just listened. I guess I want to somehow SHOW him this and not so much talk about it anymore. Does that make any sense?

B


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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Well, I think the most important thing is to SHOW him, not talk about it. You have that part right.

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