Pages must be larger here in Kansas? I thought everything was bigger in Texas? Can't you get Aquanet in 5 gallon buckets?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

hunny, I have a KEGGER of Aquanet!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Now I know why Texas has so many tornados.... y'all let go of an Aquanet kegger, and the wind starts swirlin' and the clouds start getting dark and next thing ya know a trailer park comes up missing!

LMAO! Good one, SD. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mel's turn.

everyone knows DOROTHY and TOTO live in Kansas, silly!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, but that lady with the house on her was from Texas. <ducks>

I think that silly gal was a flatheadedyankeegal, Resilient. Anyhoo, she shore looked like a flatheaded yankeegal after that house flattened her silly [censored]! bwhahahahaa <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Methinks Mel IS a Texas tornado! Anyways...Toto has long passed and Dorothy is living in Gov. Asst. Housing downtown, and is rumor to smoke a little weed every now and then. The flat-headed lady's daughter is now the Governor of the State. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

MelodyLane,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like you thought Hiker's quote made some sense when you thought it was from Dr. Harley.

And since I last posted at least a half dozen folks have come on and said things like "our marriage would have been finished if my spouse had not told me everything I wanted to know."

Hiker isn't saying withhold anything or lie about it. And to me its like he is saying be careful about what you ask and be sensitive about how you tell the truth and he is talking about certain kinds of questions. . . the kind we can't even write here.

But maybe I don't get the fuss over this. Is it just because Dr. Harley didn't say it?

That's a direct quote from hikers first post.

Melody Lane never thought it made sense - she was surprised to read he "said" it and then found out he didn't.

Yes, he most certainly is as I showed you in the quote he posted:


I did think that if Dr. Harley said that, to my great shock, that there might be some sound reasoning behind it because I trust his judgment. However, he didn't say it and the view that one should withhold information cannot be supported.

All the "fuss" is because anyone with even a modicum of experience who has been through recovery knows that refusing information is a very bad idea. VERY BAD. Very few betrayed spouses would tolerate it.

Dr. Phil is a strong advocate to not tell the details... the very intimate ones. In fact, he advised a woman on his show to NOT tell the details beyond a general outline.
I happen to agree with Dr. H on this... but there is a school of thought that advocates not telling even when asked. That is not advocating lying... it is merely saying it is not healthy to discuss certain things.
I disagree... but certainly can see their point.

MEDC it is most certainly advocating lying by omission and refusal to answer.

MEDC, in reality it is very unhealthy to withhold details about an affair because trust cannot be restored. I frankly don't care if Santa Claus advocates it, withholding vital information about an affair is stupid and counterproductive. The solution to adultery is HONESTY, not more secrets. And many BS' would never tolerate that sort of disrespectful treatment. I sure would not.

Radical honesty is one of the reasons why Dr. Harley is so successful and others are such dismal failures.

The elephant in the living room HAS to go!

b3774608--

You haven't posted any thoughts regarding all the advice here, so I thought I'd bump it up for you to find.

I, personally, categorized my questions around five main questions/intents underlying my need to know the answer to any question.

• Understand the relationship between you and OM (other man)
• Understand the attraction between you and OM
• Understand the state of our relationship during your affairs
• Understand the current state of our recovery
• Help manage triggers and “mental monkeys”

By "mental monkeys" I'm referring to those nagging, loose threads as a result of the affair that plague me. For example, "What hotels did you have sex at with your OM?" I need to know this not to avoid the hotels or get angry when I pass them, but to ensure that if I have friends or relatives stay in a hotel in our town, I don't have to worry about the "mental monkey" on my back wondering, "Was this one of the hotels they used?".

I believe they are fairly broad categories of questions but summarize the things that are important for me to know.

Blessings to you. Let us know how you are doing and how your husband is doing. Encourage him to read the Marriage Builders materials.

BigK,

I guess you didn't read anything I wrote beyond my first post as I clarified my position several times, including the use of an example.

Mel,

You are quoting Dr. Gunzburg, not me. I included that citation merely to demonstrate that not everyone agrees that every last detail needs to be revealed for recovery to occur. You are putting emphasis on one line of Dr. Gunzburg's citation and seem to be trying to make it my philosophy even though I have explained how I think such a situation is best handled. There is a difference.

Overall, I could probably get the same kind of responses if I suggested that maybe we shouldn't take the Bible literally when it says that the earth was created in six days.

That tells me that MB has become like a religion to some people, with its own brand of fanatics who are intolerant of any other view. Fortunately I think Dr. Harley is more flexible than many of his so-called philosophic adherents.

I have seen my posts mis-characterized at least a dozen times so I'm done trying to make my point here.

About the "details"... I think the WS should answer any questions about the A that are posed by the BS, even if they address the most intimate details.

I've asked my FWW many questions about the SF she enjoyed with the OM, and I think she's answered most of them honestly. I believe that this has helped our recovery.

Early on I asked questions about what in particular she enjoyed. That was basically "showstopper" time - if there were any particular acts that she enjoyed that I was not capable of doing or preferred not to do, then would it make sense to continue the recovery? Would she remain unfulfilled during our SF? Would she thinking about those things she did with the OM that I'm not willing or able to do with her?

Thankfully I did not come across any such "showstoppers" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I disagree with MelodyLane on one thing - if my FWW had enjoyed doing something in particular with the OM, I think I'd likely be open to trying it - not only to meet her need for SF, but also to associate that act with us, not the OM. Unless it was something degrading or disgusting of course. In that case, the OM is welcome to that memory.

Funny to read that people wonder where the original poster is. There are many reasons as to why they have not replied. From my own experience, I have taken a few days before getting back because of work, going out of town, etc. Sometimes things just happen and I lose track of checking.

All said on that. Here are my opinions. You wanted to know if this was a good idea. I see two reasons why you could be reluctant to answer these questions. Either your afraid that your spouse will leave you or your afraid that he is going to learn more about the A than what they already knows.

If they was to decide to leave, that is their choice and has every right to do so since the marriage vows have been broken. I think though you may be more afraid to the questions and them finding more out they you want them to.

You had said that the both of you are working things out and have been seeing improvements. That is good. This makes me feel that your spouse may not leave you, but don't quote me on that. Your spouse has obviously told you that they know the answers may hurt them and you may not like the questions. This makes me feel like they have given it alot of thought into what they need to know in order to heal.

So my advice is, don't play your spouse for a fool. Don't try to mask anything on the questions he asks. If they are open ended and you need clarification, then ask. Don't try to lie. One thing a BS is good at after exposing an A is investigating and becoming a human lie detector. If they keep repeating questions or sounds like a broken record, it's because they are not feeling your being open. You have to earn their trust back.

You had indicated that you had read Dr. Harley's books. I would get them out and reread them again. It's good information. And if your spouse decides to not leave and you both continue to work things out, I strongly suggest following Dr. Harley's methods, since you said you don't want to let this happen again. A's happen because of leading an independent life or secret life. You both will need to be transparent to each other. The both of you will know each other inside out. Follow the policy of joint agreement and keep the min 15 hours of undivided attention each week.

This part may raise debate but, if you ever find yourself thinking of the OP, then let your spouse know. Replace that negative thoughts and feelings with positive about your spouse and family. I don't recall where I read this at but I think it was on this site. So if that means calling them at work, email, cellphone, text message, whatever. I would let them know. This i think will help in dealing with what caused the thoughts to happen and how to prevent them or lessen them from triggering.

Although you had not indicated if the A was an EA or PA nor how long it was. But I wish you luck and think everything will work out in the end.

Lost.

It's funny how different people deal with posting and checking.

Form me, I think some of the wondering about the original poster was to encourage them to repost to establish the dialog. It can be daunting to see all these responses and different opinions. Since it was their first post, I was worried we scared them off.

I remember my first "real" post.

I typed it, edited it, re-edited it and clicked "Continue" only to find out I had to "Preview" it and then post it.

I clicked "OK, submit" and then went back to the forum, and read the post I just wrote/edited/re-edited/Previewed/Posted.

I went back to the listing to see, to my delight, that 1 person had read my post. Then I realized that I was that one person. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Then I clicked "refresh" and wondered why no one had responed to my two page post yet.

Oh, well, I've learned how things work here and just don't want to frighten a new poster away, especially when they came here for such important help.

Blessings