Wrongo, we are talking about the difference between being honest and being DISHONEST. Dishonesty works for NO ONE. Dishonesty doesn't "work" for some and not work for others. HONESTY is the solution to adultery, not "some" truth, not "selective" truth, but HONESTY, as dictated by the recovery needs of the BS. Dishonesty is good for NO MARRIAGE.

from Dr. Phil.com


Moving Forward After InfidelityWhether you're the one who has strayed from your relationship or you're the partner who feels betrayed, Dr. Phil can help you move forward.

Were you cheated on?


It is absolutely vital for you to move forward with life and love. Being willing to trust again is key. Take things one step at a time.


Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with him/her is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's not your fault.


Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters.


Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.


If your partner wants back in, he/she will have to earn his/her way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way that works for both of you.


There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line and say, "That's it, I'm done. I'm not mad at you. I withdraw my feelings, I withdraw my emotions. You just go do whatever you're going to do because I'm not going to live like this anymore." Don't stay together for the children. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. They're much better off with one well-adjusted, happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are cheating, lying, fighting, and living with stress and pressure.


If there was a child born of the infidelity, understand that your spouse will forever have a relationship with that child's other parent. You have to make the decision about whether you can resolve to be part of that or not.


Did you have an affair?



Own the problems that you created by having an affair. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge.


It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous comparison.


In order to resolve your relationship, contact with "the other person" must be cut off 100 percent. You can't work on dealing with the consequences of the affair while you're still having it.


Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do.


Make the hard decisions. Either leave the marriage to free your partner, or commit to stay. Remember, checking out of one relationship before you finish it appropriately doesn't work.


Ask yourself: What are you doing to help your partner get past the affair?


Be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about you and what feels good for you in the moment. If you are married and have children, you have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good.


Help the partner who did not have the affair find emotional closure. You must do whatever it takes until your partner finds it. If it requires you to check in with your spouse multiple times a day, then do it. It'll require you being where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so your spouse can trust you again. And you do it until.


If a child was born of the infidelity, you will have to have contact with the other person in order to be co-parents. And you do this the right way by not having any contact without your spouse's involvement. If you want to talk with the other person, then you do it with your spouse present.


Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing there, it's cheating.


If your marriage is over and you have children, understand that your relationship with your ex will never end. You will always at least be co-parents of your children. Build a new relationship as their allies.


Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Figure out what you want and behave your way to success.

You still have libel laws there don't you? It's not like action could not be taken against that site quoted.

Nope, that is the issue at hand. Dr Phil advocates dishonesty and you call this just "another approach." Let's stay clear on what we are talking about here. The issue is telling truth to the adultery victim.

You call it dishonesty... I say your statements are knowingly dishonest and misleading. And again. ML... YOU advocated and understood this appraoch when YOU thought it came from Dr. H. You are beginning to sound a bit hypocritical here.

Sounds like Dr. P and Dr. H agree on everything except the need to discuss the details.


1. Your relationship must be based on a solid, underlying friendship. Friends talk, laugh, share, and do things they're interested in together. Don't stop being friends just because you're each other's spouse.

2. Your relationship has to meet the needs of the two people involved. Understand what your partner's needs are so you can meet them. Figure out what your own needs are and communicate them. If your needs are not being met, communicate and negotiate. Don't let resentment build.

That is not a Plan MEDC

Sorry, mkeverydaycnt, here is what you wrote in case you forgot:



That, my friend, is called DISHONESTY.

Mel, did you ever sort out that little "dishonest" approach you had to family money.

Because me and my H are "family". We don't have secrets about money or anything else.

It is not dishonest to say to your spouse, those details will not be discussed. Again, I DO NOT AGREE WITH THIS APPRoaCH.... but you are not denying anything... you are saying that it is not healthy to get into that stuff. That is not a lie... it is a difference of opinion on how to handle things.

You have intentionally labeled it as lies to give your perspective more credibility... when it needed none. Dr. H's perspective is credible on its own.

Now, denying things would be lying... flat out lies. Saying that those details would only harm us more and therefore I am not getting into them is a different approach... nothing more, nothing less.

MEDC, why are you on here advocating Dr. Phil? You do realize this is Marriage Builders, right? And this forum is paid for by the Harleys. What is the point of all this Dr.Phil advocacy?

But you did have a little secret, didn't you? Quite a few, in fact. I had to call your husband about it, I believe. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You are clueless about this ML. It wasn't dishonesty when you thought Dr H said it. That, my friend is situational ethics and hypocritical.

I am not just advocating Dr. P... I am in fact saying I agree with Dr. H....I think there are schools of thought that were dismissed and my advocacy is one of knowledge ... not restricted to Dr. P's.

Funny how you avoided Kiwi's question Mel. You are really losing credibility in my eyes.

MEDC, this isn't even good spin. The opposite of honesty is DISHONESTY. Refusing to be honest about one's affair is dishonest and deceitful. Maintaining secrecy about one's affair is a LACK of honesty.

Not only is it dishonest, it is manipulative and disrespectful; destroying trust.

Mel... very sad to see you resort to such a low road in your communications. You are much smarter than you are coming across here. You know he is not advocating lies... yet to save face since you were ont he other side of the fence just this morning, you are running spin of your own. Sad, very sad indeed.

Of course this "school of thought" was dismissed. Dishonesty should be always be dismissed. There is nothing smart or clever about advocating stupid approaches, MEDC.

MEDC, this pissing match is getting you nowhere. You know very well what Dr Phil said and you cant' back peddle frm it. Any approach that advocates DISHONESTY is a losing proposition and cant be supported.

G' night, MEDC, get some better spin, dude. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Very sad Mel. You sound like a politician. Sad indeed.