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#1804135 01/07/07 02:46 PM
Joined: Nov 2006
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WW: 28
Married: 9 years
Sons: 8 and 6
Daughter: 14 (from a previous relationship, never married)
DDay: 1 Nov 2006
Location: Germany

I had been in Iraq since Jan 2006. R&R at the beginning of July 2006. I confronted her about the affair via email on 15 Oct 2006. She had broken down on the phone earlier that day, upset that her "boyfriend's parents" had sent him to a monastery in Bavaria for 2 weeks. I had suspected for a month beforehand. She finally admitted to the affair on 1 Nov 2006.

Our marriage had not been the greatest before I left for Iraq. I took a job with a defense contractor and moved to Germany before leaving. I had enough time to sort of settle the family. I'd wanted to leave her and the boys in Arizona before going to Iraq, but she insisted on moving to Germany with me. I'd told her several times during the year before going to Iraq that she needed to move back to her parents. She never left. We both thought that a year apart would be good for us.

After DDay, my stress level went through the roof. It was bad enough being in Iraq. I started snapping at people and sent a few emails that I thought I'd later regret. Talked the issue over with a few people and decided that it would be best for everyone if I left early. On 7 Nov 2006, it appeared that my bank accounts were empty. I was on a Space A flight to Kuwait the next day. Made it home on the morning of 9 Nov 2006. Money was still there. Sometimes it's difficult to get accurate information while you're in a war zone. I was fortunate that I was able to leave early. Those in the military in the same situation are rarely able to leave early. One of the soldiers I worked with came home after I did to an empty house, emptry bank account, and a large stack of bills.

OM was a German that I hired during R&R to help WW some yard work and a few things around the house that she had problems with. Living in a different country can be challenging. His parents lived down the street and he was recommended by one of WW's friends. He was in his 40s and was medically retired because of a stroke. His parents found out shortly after the affair turned physical and sent him to stay at their vacation home in Bavaria for a few weeks. The biggest concern that his parents had was that I'd be the typical American (to Germans) and come home and kill their son. They have been doing a good job of keeping him out of town by sending him off to stay with various relatives.

I exposed the affair to both of our parents as well as the boy's teachers while I was still in Iraq. My list of who I could expose this to was limited considering she was living in Germany.

Took a couple weeks off after I got home from Iraq and started plan A. Things were not great but they were not ugly either. I realized after I went back to work that I have an easier time communicating with WW via chat then face to face. She's bought a few books on Asperger's syndrome and thinks that I fit the profile. Our oldest son is Autistic. I couldn't care less if I fit the profile of having Aspergers and I'm not interested in seeing someone to find out for sure.

WW is not interested in MC. One of the few times she blew up on me was when I brought it up. I'm not all that interested in IC.

I found the book "His Needs, Her Needs" describe fairly well how we both got into this situation. She was lonely, had few friends in a different country, we had not been meeting each others needs for years, and she had opportunity with someone coming over occasionally to help around the house. The book "After the Affair" helped me the most deal with the problems between us, myself, and work after DDay. The hardest thing to deal with is her saying she's wanted me "gone" for the last 4 years. This was news to me. She started with the book "Sperm Wars." I bought quite a few on the subjects of affairs, marriage, and love. It'll take a while to get through them all.

She will not commit to no contact, insisting they are only friends. She's seen him at least twice that I'm aware of. The first time was after I first got home to "check in" with him and his parents. The second time was about a month ago. She was having a bad day and didn't want to share it with me, but took the dog to go on a walk with him. I often wonder if they are seeing each other while I'm at work. The situation is not healthy for my piece of mind.

Both of our parents are supportive. She talks to one of her sisters more often now. They all want us to work it out.

WW did not get me a present for Christmas. She insisted that the big screen TV she bought before I came home was my Christmas present. I bought her something to hang in a window, but she complained that it was not the right color and that I don't listen.

Had a surprise on New Year's day. The "p" key on the laptop doesn't work, so we've been using Ctrl C and Ctrl V to copy and paste the letter "p" when we type. When I hit Ctrl V that morning, OMs email address appeared. When I confronted her, she said that she does occasionally email him. He had emailed her wishing her a happy New Years. She replied back and complained about the party we went to.

WW has mentioned several times that we should move. She doesn't care if it's to another town in Germany or another country. There are some job opportunities that I've been looking into in the UK. I put this on hold while I try to make sense of the whole situation. She thinks I'm missing a great opportunity. When she brought up moving last week, I said, "What makes you think that I want to bring you with me". She did a couple of internet searches for the word "divorce" that day and bought a couple of books from Amazon on the subject.

WW has been bugging me to have another kid for years. I agreed last spring that we'd try after I got home from Iraq. I agreed to have another kid a few weeks after I came home. I'm afraid that this decision was a mistake considering that I don't even think that we are into recovery yet. She's not preganent yet, but I've been kicking myself for not being strong enough to stop this until we at least figure out if we are going to be able to work through this.

WW has a MB account, but she's affraid that she'll be lynched by the crowd. She has the opportunity to present her side of the story.

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I hope your wife will post, or at least read here. She will have a few that will want to lynch her, but more will try to help her.

At least she can vent, and tell us that she had the A because you picked out the wrong color or something.

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Monster,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here. You will get some support here, regardless of which way you decide to go.

First off, make sure you and WW have read all the information on the website. It can help you out.

Second, don't go getting pregnant. Just not a good time right now, and as the saying goes, "when in doubt, DON'T".

Your wife will NOT be lynched. She will find out what her role is in the marriage, her problems, and how she contributed to the whole issue.

And you will too!

Maybe together, you can figure out how to put the pieces together again. Find your love for each other again.

Ask her if that's worth a try. Then, ask her to post for a few weeks, to accept the feedback. There will be those who tell her that she's 100% at fault for the affair - she is. She made that decision, you were not in that loop. But you were a part of the marriage leading up to that point, and you have your part in that situation.

So we do recognize there are two sides. MB is to BUILD the marriage. Not to lynch wayward spouses. Posters here will point out where she needs to grow, where her thinking is off, but they will also help her to grow and to improve her thinking - to see what she needs to do, and help her do it.

The first thing she absolutely must do, and the first thing you absolutely must insist upon, is to end all contact with the other man (OM). Period. This is not negotiable.

She writes the letter, you send it.

Have her post. Tell her we will help her.

I will start a thread for her, from me to her. Have her read it.


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Funny while most of it is true that's not how I remember the story going, but then You are entitled to your OPINIONS, I don't care weather they are entirely accurate or not just as long as you start saying them. That's called freedom of speech as well as self expression. I just don't feel like talking to a bunch of invisible humans right now, justifying my side of the story or my feelings on the matter. Our live & emotions are just that, OURS! Strangers will never understand now matter how much you want them too, the particulars of our situation. That's not a possibility. Your side is the easiest for most, mine is far more complicated. Right now one day at a time is about all I have to give, so bear with me, & everyone else.....Doesn't matter. First I have to work on me, you have to work on you, you're not innocent either you know. But for me right now, 11 more years down the road is too far, I'm just thinking about tomorrow & the next day. I really would prefer it if you would NOT talk about me to other people, I've already asked you not too. But I'll ask again, please DON'T. You of all people know my life & it's issues best as to why I find this irreprehensible. Just start taking care of yourself FIRST because what the heck is the point if you're gone..... -s

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Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sorry that you don't want to talk to invisible people. Hopefully you can check out some of the articles - especially about meeting someone's emotional needs. It is good, and will help you in any future relationships.

I hope you will start feeling better soon. One day at a time will get you through a lot of things.

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There are people here who have been where you are, and they will try to help you if you will let them. It's not easy.

Good luck.

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If you haven't guessed, anastasiaromanov is my WS.

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Quote
Funny while most of it is true that's not how I remember the story going, but then You are entitled to your OPINIONS, I don't care weather they are entirely accurate or not just as long as you start saying them. That's called freedom of speech as well as self expression. I just don't feel like talking to a bunch of invisible humans right now, justifying my side of the story or my feelings on the matter. Our live & emotions are just that, OURS! Strangers will never understand now matter how much you want them too, the particulars of our situation. That's not a possibility. Your side is the easiest for most, mine is far more complicated. Right now one day at a time is about all I have to give, so bear with me, & everyone else.....Doesn't matter. First I have to work on me, you have to work on you, you're not innocent either you know. But for me right now, 11 more years down the road is too far, I'm just thinking about tomorrow & the next day. I really would prefer it if you would NOT talk about me to other people, I've already asked you not too. But I'll ask again, please DON'T. You of all people know my life & it's issues best as to why I find this irreprehensible. Just start taking care of yourself FIRST because what the heck is the point if you're gone..... -s

you are so full of fear...

relax

Pep

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Quote
Strangers will never understand now matter how much you want them too, the particulars of our situation. That's not a possibility. Your side is the easiest for most, mine is far more complicated.


I would like a dollar for every time I have read that here over the past three years. I could come and visit you all twice over.

AR, the only complication is that, instead of communicating unhappiness or choosing to divorce, you chose to have an affair instead, now justifying it by saying your spouse was not entirely innocent so you were entitled to sleep with someone else and you are still entitled to hurt him deeply by continuing to see that someone else.

And if you think this invisible stranger doesn't understand, I was in exactly your shoes three years ago.

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Monsterlab - Is there any chance that your wife is already pregnant by this guy?

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Monsterlab - Is there any chance that your wife is already pregnant by this guy?

I wondered that too Believer

because she began posting on the Preg/OC board ... and I thought ..."hmmmm, that's weird"

Pep

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I just thought it was different that she wanted another baby when obviously everything in the marriage is such a mess.

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No, she was not pregnant as of a few weeks ago. She went to the hospital to confirm. According to her, she has not had sex with OM since a week before I came home.

She would like to get pregnant again and have another kid, but that's a different story.

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I would be using protection if I were you.

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To explain the "taking care of yourself FIRST" comment:

My knees and the Army didn't get along. I had 5 knee surgeries while I was in (4 on 1 knee, 1 on the other). 3 of the surgeries occured during the same year. I developed a blood clot (DVT) around the time of the last surgery. Normally blood clots clear themselves up in a few months. Mine took over a year to clear up. I have some permanent swelling in my calf, as well as skin discoloration and hardness that are common side affects of having a DVT. It looks worse than it is. I don't wear shorts because of the attention it attracts. The last doctor that I talked to about this said there was treatments that could be done to help clear up the remaining problems, or it would clear up on it's own in about 10 years. I haven't done anything yet.

The other problem with having so many knee surgeries is that I went from having a very athletic lifestyle to sitting behind a computer all day. I'm a lot heavier then when we got married. I also don't go surfing, mountain bike riding, hiking, or backpacking like I use to.

I did lose some weight while I was in Iraq, but not as much as I'd hoped. I was too busy to go to the gym everyday.

I've felt for years that most of our problems revolve around the problems with my knees. She's disagreed with me.

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You lost me on that one. Why do you think most of your problems revolve around your problems with your knees?

By the way, I hope you got some disablility from the Army.

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Good question. My initial response was that I thought the answer to your question was obvious. But after thinking about the question, I think my knees are a problem because I've let myself believe they are a major cause of our relationship problems. I'll have to do some soul searching on this....

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Okay, you are not thinking quite right. From reading your wife's post, it seems like there ARE some problems in the marriage.

Right now, it is extremely difficult to figure out what they are. I would assume they might be something about you being away from home a lot, and her feeling abandoned.

So she hooked up with this guy, who must be meeting some of her emotional needs.

Think back, before this, about what she complained about. Sometimes women are very clear, but men aren't listening.

The other thing that seems strange to me is the fact that in the middle of this mess, she wants another baby. I've posted a long time here, and heard a lot of stories, but never one like this.

If I were you, I would do some thinking on that too.

It is difficult to advise you, as your little wife doesn't want to talk to "invisible" people. So we don't have much input from her.

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Sorry - I shouldn't have said you are not thinking quite right. That was a disrespectful judgment. I mean you are thinking different than a woman would think.

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The only method of birth control that doesn't try to kill me isn't so easy to stop & start. Starting AGAIN is harder & isn't as fool proof as it was before it was reversed, IF I could get insurance to pay for it again, not likely. Besides we have been talking about this for a while now, my "carrot" so to speak, & the OM, doesn't want children. (Well I already have 2, kinda late now) I have told him the problems as well as the possible solutions MANY times in the past, he will even tell you he wasn't listening. there are no magic pills, it only helps the recovery not cures the problem.n He was actually a BETTER husband while he was gone, which sorta sealed my mind, or so I thought..... he's since been proving that old dogs & new tricks thing very well! It feels strange but.....This I can get used to. I have many of my own problems I do not wiah to talk about, some of which men don't even believe exist so I choose not to listen to any more negative comments by simply not voicing the issue. Yes he knows, and you're right, chopping him off at the knees wouldn't solve much (more problems really, lol) ok gotta go rest, have a bad something or other to get over.....

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