BS: 34
WW: 28
Married: 9 years
Sons: 8 and 6
Daughter: 14 (from a previous relationship, never married)
DDay: 1 Nov 2006
Location: Germany

I had been in Iraq since Jan 2006. R&R at the beginning of July 2006. I confronted her about the affair via email on 15 Oct 2006. She had broken down on the phone earlier that day, upset that her "boyfriend's parents" had sent him to a monastery in Bavaria for 2 weeks. I had suspected for a month beforehand. She finally admitted to the affair on 1 Nov 2006.

Our marriage had not been the greatest before I left for Iraq. I took a job with a defense contractor and moved to Germany before leaving. I had enough time to sort of settle the family. I'd wanted to leave her and the boys in Arizona before going to Iraq, but she insisted on moving to Germany with me. I'd told her several times during the year before going to Iraq that she needed to move back to her parents. She never left. We both thought that a year apart would be good for us.

After DDay, my stress level went through the roof. It was bad enough being in Iraq. I started snapping at people and sent a few emails that I thought I'd later regret. Talked the issue over with a few people and decided that it would be best for everyone if I left early. On 7 Nov 2006, it appeared that my bank accounts were empty. I was on a Space A flight to Kuwait the next day. Made it home on the morning of 9 Nov 2006. Money was still there. Sometimes it's difficult to get accurate information while you're in a war zone. I was fortunate that I was able to leave early. Those in the military in the same situation are rarely able to leave early. One of the soldiers I worked with came home after I did to an empty house, emptry bank account, and a large stack of bills.

OM was a German that I hired during R&R to help WW some yard work and a few things around the house that she had problems with. Living in a different country can be challenging. His parents lived down the street and he was recommended by one of WW's friends. He was in his 40s and was medically retired because of a stroke. His parents found out shortly after the affair turned physical and sent him to stay at their vacation home in Bavaria for a few weeks. The biggest concern that his parents had was that I'd be the typical American (to Germans) and come home and kill their son. They have been doing a good job of keeping him out of town by sending him off to stay with various relatives.

I exposed the affair to both of our parents as well as the boy's teachers while I was still in Iraq. My list of who I could expose this to was limited considering she was living in Germany.

Took a couple weeks off after I got home from Iraq and started plan A. Things were not great but they were not ugly either. I realized after I went back to work that I have an easier time communicating with WW via chat then face to face. She's bought a few books on Asperger's syndrome and thinks that I fit the profile. Our oldest son is Autistic. I couldn't care less if I fit the profile of having Aspergers and I'm not interested in seeing someone to find out for sure.

WW is not interested in MC. One of the few times she blew up on me was when I brought it up. I'm not all that interested in IC.

I found the book "His Needs, Her Needs" describe fairly well how we both got into this situation. She was lonely, had few friends in a different country, we had not been meeting each others needs for years, and she had opportunity with someone coming over occasionally to help around the house. The book "After the Affair" helped me the most deal with the problems between us, myself, and work after DDay. The hardest thing to deal with is her saying she's wanted me "gone" for the last 4 years. This was news to me. She started with the book "Sperm Wars." I bought quite a few on the subjects of affairs, marriage, and love. It'll take a while to get through them all.

She will not commit to no contact, insisting they are only friends. She's seen him at least twice that I'm aware of. The first time was after I first got home to "check in" with him and his parents. The second time was about a month ago. She was having a bad day and didn't want to share it with me, but took the dog to go on a walk with him. I often wonder if they are seeing each other while I'm at work. The situation is not healthy for my piece of mind.

Both of our parents are supportive. She talks to one of her sisters more often now. They all want us to work it out.

WW did not get me a present for Christmas. She insisted that the big screen TV she bought before I came home was my Christmas present. I bought her something to hang in a window, but she complained that it was not the right color and that I don't listen.

Had a surprise on New Year's day. The "p" key on the laptop doesn't work, so we've been using Ctrl C and Ctrl V to copy and paste the letter "p" when we type. When I hit Ctrl V that morning, OMs email address appeared. When I confronted her, she said that she does occasionally email him. He had emailed her wishing her a happy New Years. She replied back and complained about the party we went to.

WW has mentioned several times that we should move. She doesn't care if it's to another town in Germany or another country. There are some job opportunities that I've been looking into in the UK. I put this on hold while I try to make sense of the whole situation. She thinks I'm missing a great opportunity. When she brought up moving last week, I said, "What makes you think that I want to bring you with me". She did a couple of internet searches for the word "divorce" that day and bought a couple of books from Amazon on the subject.

WW has been bugging me to have another kid for years. I agreed last spring that we'd try after I got home from Iraq. I agreed to have another kid a few weeks after I came home. I'm afraid that this decision was a mistake considering that I don't even think that we are into recovery yet. She's not preganent yet, but I've been kicking myself for not being strong enough to stop this until we at least figure out if we are going to be able to work through this.

WW has a MB account, but she's affraid that she'll be lynched by the crowd. She has the opportunity to present her side of the story.

I hope your wife will post, or at least read here. She will have a few that will want to lynch her, but more will try to help her.

At least she can vent, and tell us that she had the A because you picked out the wrong color or something.

Monster,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here. You will get some support here, regardless of which way you decide to go.

First off, make sure you and WW have read all the information on the website. It can help you out.

Second, don't go getting pregnant. Just not a good time right now, and as the saying goes, "when in doubt, DON'T".

Your wife will NOT be lynched. She will find out what her role is in the marriage, her problems, and how she contributed to the whole issue.

And you will too!

Maybe together, you can figure out how to put the pieces together again. Find your love for each other again.

Ask her if that's worth a try. Then, ask her to post for a few weeks, to accept the feedback. There will be those who tell her that she's 100% at fault for the affair - she is. She made that decision, you were not in that loop. But you were a part of the marriage leading up to that point, and you have your part in that situation.

So we do recognize there are two sides. MB is to BUILD the marriage. Not to lynch wayward spouses. Posters here will point out where she needs to grow, where her thinking is off, but they will also help her to grow and to improve her thinking - to see what she needs to do, and help her do it.

The first thing she absolutely must do, and the first thing you absolutely must insist upon, is to end all contact with the other man (OM). Period. This is not negotiable.

She writes the letter, you send it.

Have her post. Tell her we will help her.

I will start a thread for her, from me to her. Have her read it.

Funny while most of it is true that's not how I remember the story going, but then You are entitled to your OPINIONS, I don't care weather they are entirely accurate or not just as long as you start saying them. That's called freedom of speech as well as self expression. I just don't feel like talking to a bunch of invisible humans right now, justifying my side of the story or my feelings on the matter. Our live & emotions are just that, OURS! Strangers will never understand now matter how much you want them too, the particulars of our situation. That's not a possibility. Your side is the easiest for most, mine is far more complicated. Right now one day at a time is about all I have to give, so bear with me, & everyone else.....Doesn't matter. First I have to work on me, you have to work on you, you're not innocent either you know. But for me right now, 11 more years down the road is too far, I'm just thinking about tomorrow & the next day. I really would prefer it if you would NOT talk about me to other people, I've already asked you not too. But I'll ask again, please DON'T. You of all people know my life & it's issues best as to why I find this irreprehensible. Just start taking care of yourself FIRST because what the heck is the point if you're gone..... -s

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sorry that you don't want to talk to invisible people. Hopefully you can check out some of the articles - especially about meeting someone's emotional needs. It is good, and will help you in any future relationships.

I hope you will start feeling better soon. One day at a time will get you through a lot of things.

There are people here who have been where you are, and they will try to help you if you will let them. It's not easy.

Good luck.

If you haven't guessed, anastasiaromanov is my WS.

you are so full of fear...

relax

Pep

I would like a dollar for every time I have read that here over the past three years. I could come and visit you all twice over.

AR, the only complication is that, instead of communicating unhappiness or choosing to divorce, you chose to have an affair instead, now justifying it by saying your spouse was not entirely innocent so you were entitled to sleep with someone else and you are still entitled to hurt him deeply by continuing to see that someone else.

And if you think this invisible stranger doesn't understand, I was in exactly your shoes three years ago.

Monsterlab - Is there any chance that your wife is already pregnant by this guy?

I wondered that too Believer

because she began posting on the Preg/OC board ... and I thought ..."hmmmm, that's weird"

Pep

I just thought it was different that she wanted another baby when obviously everything in the marriage is such a mess.

No, she was not pregnant as of a few weeks ago. She went to the hospital to confirm. According to her, she has not had sex with OM since a week before I came home.

She would like to get pregnant again and have another kid, but that's a different story.

I would be using protection if I were you.

To explain the "taking care of yourself FIRST" comment:

My knees and the Army didn't get along. I had 5 knee surgeries while I was in (4 on 1 knee, 1 on the other). 3 of the surgeries occured during the same year. I developed a blood clot (DVT) around the time of the last surgery. Normally blood clots clear themselves up in a few months. Mine took over a year to clear up. I have some permanent swelling in my calf, as well as skin discoloration and hardness that are common side affects of having a DVT. It looks worse than it is. I don't wear shorts because of the attention it attracts. The last doctor that I talked to about this said there was treatments that could be done to help clear up the remaining problems, or it would clear up on it's own in about 10 years. I haven't done anything yet.

The other problem with having so many knee surgeries is that I went from having a very athletic lifestyle to sitting behind a computer all day. I'm a lot heavier then when we got married. I also don't go surfing, mountain bike riding, hiking, or backpacking like I use to.

I did lose some weight while I was in Iraq, but not as much as I'd hoped. I was too busy to go to the gym everyday.

I've felt for years that most of our problems revolve around the problems with my knees. She's disagreed with me.

You lost me on that one. Why do you think most of your problems revolve around your problems with your knees?

By the way, I hope you got some disablility from the Army.

Good question. My initial response was that I thought the answer to your question was obvious. But after thinking about the question, I think my knees are a problem because I've let myself believe they are a major cause of our relationship problems. I'll have to do some soul searching on this....

Okay, you are not thinking quite right. From reading your wife's post, it seems like there ARE some problems in the marriage.

Right now, it is extremely difficult to figure out what they are. I would assume they might be something about you being away from home a lot, and her feeling abandoned.

So she hooked up with this guy, who must be meeting some of her emotional needs.

Think back, before this, about what she complained about. Sometimes women are very clear, but men aren't listening.

The other thing that seems strange to me is the fact that in the middle of this mess, she wants another baby. I've posted a long time here, and heard a lot of stories, but never one like this.

If I were you, I would do some thinking on that too.

It is difficult to advise you, as your little wife doesn't want to talk to "invisible" people. So we don't have much input from her.

Sorry - I shouldn't have said you are not thinking quite right. That was a disrespectful judgment. I mean you are thinking different than a woman would think.

The only method of birth control that doesn't try to kill me isn't so easy to stop & start. Starting AGAIN is harder & isn't as fool proof as it was before it was reversed, IF I could get insurance to pay for it again, not likely. Besides we have been talking about this for a while now, my "carrot" so to speak, & the OM, doesn't want children. (Well I already have 2, kinda late now) I have told him the problems as well as the possible solutions MANY times in the past, he will even tell you he wasn't listening. there are no magic pills, it only helps the recovery not cures the problem.n He was actually a BETTER husband while he was gone, which sorta sealed my mind, or so I thought..... he's since been proving that old dogs & new tricks thing very well! It feels strange but.....This I can get used to. I have many of my own problems I do not wiah to talk about, some of which men don't even believe exist so I choose not to listen to any more negative comments by simply not voicing the issue. Yes he knows, and you're right, chopping him off at the knees wouldn't solve much (more problems really, lol) ok gotta go rest, have a bad something or other to get over.....

I would have never guessed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Seriously, she's got the "WW" attitude down pat. The self-centeredness, the aversion to any open and honest discussion, the trying to pass off the OM as "just a friend", and the blameshifting are likely all side-effects of the A.

Unfortunately, as long as there is C between herself and the OM, the A will continue.

Well, bit by bit, you are finding out some of the problems, MonsterLab. You were a better husband while you were gone. So there is no where to go but up.

If your wife won't fill out the emotional needs questionairre, I would just try to meet her needs in general. You can amp up the domestic support - helping with the kids, doing things with them, helping around the home, pitching in and doing your share.

It is important to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together, without the children. That way you can build some new memories together.

Most women like someone who will engage in conversation and listen and care about them.

Financial security is high on some women's lists. Are you working now?

I was able to get her to fill out an ENQ the day after D-Day. The results were pretty ugly. It appeared as if I wasn't meeting any of her emotional needs. Even the one I thought for sure I'd do good on, Financial Support, she complained that I spent too much time chasing bigger and bigger paychecks. That is probably true as I do tend to put a lot of time and effort into work. I don't see it as pursuing a bigger paycheck. It's more of a way that I get satisfaction and fullfillment in life.

Yes, I am working now as a defense contractor supporting the U.S. military in Germany. I've felt that financial security was one of the main reasons she hasn't left. She doesn't agree. OM is living on disability because of a stroke. What I've seen her search the internet most often over the last two months is how to ensure I'll pay child support if I go back to the U.S. and she tries to stay in Germany.

Conversation is definitely one of my weak points.

I agree with ManInMotion about the side-effects. I've felt that everything that she's said since D-Day is her defending and justifying her actions. I've learned to take everything negative that she's said over the last 2 months with a large dose of salt.

I seen others ask the same questions, but I often wonder why I have to be the one putting so much effort into saving the relationship. I wasn't the one that cheated. I'm aware that I contributed to the environment that lead up to the affair. I know that the answer is Plan A is about me right now. It's just difficult to see at this point.

We are not close to spending 15 hours a week with each other.

Yes, it just doesn't seem fair, does it? I felt the same way as well. It took a while for me to realise that a WS really isn't a position to help until they're no longer a WS - which IMO means not only them stopping the A and having NC with the OP, but shedding the aspects of the WS personality that they took on during their A (e.g. the selfishness and self-centeredness, the tendency to avoid honesty and value secrecy over openness, the blameshifting and justification, etc.). Until those are no longer features of your WS' personality, you've got to do the hard work.

Thank you. That helped explain the situation and the challenge ahead of me.

That's not the only board I post on, just the one I started with because I wouldn't get gutted trying to stick my toe in the water! lol! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I've had a few surprises from the wife since I started this thread.

Last night: Her:"I hate you!" Me:"For what?" Her:"For posting this." (As she's snuggling up to me while I'm reading the message board) Actions speak louder than words.

When I came home from work today: Her:"She wants her emotional needs met." (Referring to the dog wanting to be petted) Me:"Have I been meeting your emotional needs?" (Directed to my wife) Her:"You've been getting better. But it's difficult when I haven't been meeting yours."

I guess I should have started this thread a while ago.

One day at a time....

I'd like to make the suggestion that each of you have your own threads...we've seen similar situations here in the past when both BS and WS posted here for advice and help, and often (especially in the beginning) it's better for the two of them to post on their own threads, asking their own questions...and respecting each other's threads and not posting or reading those so that each got the advice they needed without any reaction from the other.

Make sense?

What do ya'll think?

Agreed, mostly. My FWW posts here as well ("Tangled"), but we don't reply on each other's threads. I do read hers at times though - sometimes it's easier to understand a particular situation when I read what she's written.

Ana,

I'm glad you did the questionnaire. That is one place to start.



BTW, I'm not invisible - I just checked in the mirror. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SB

Well, it seems like you are getting somewhere. Your wife realizes that the dog has some emotional needs that you need to meet. Sometimes, she cracks me up!

Is it possible for you to work closer to home? That seems to be an issue. Even if she volunteered to stay in Germany, it doesn't seem like it was good for her.

Also do you help out with the kids? That goes a long way for most women. I know you work, but staying home with kids is never ending, and she might appreciate a break in that area.

Then could you get someone to watch the kids so you can go out on a date with her?

Gosh, I have all kinds of ideas. Let us know what you are doing in this area.

believer actually germany has been VERY good for me, for once I'm not trapped in the house reliant on the seldom forthcoming good nature of other people to help me manage things. Amazing being in a place where I can CHOOSE to stay in the house instead of being forced there by inadacuacies (me thinks I spelled that wrong but I'm not spell checking)

He knows I read these, he asks me too. As for the comment about cuddling while he's on the box "STEP AWAY FROM THE ****** ****** ML, STEP AWAY" ok rant done. Only way I get to spend time with him is to fight over the triple w bra-sized ****** that inhabits our life. Like I said & you implied, chopping him off at the legs wouldn't solve much..... oh yeah don't bother to edit the swearing, it adds to the message I think & besides I'm done. Now if only the ****** would leave..... Needless to say I LIKE moving, the machines are boxed for a few months & the kids & I get our favorite person back. Making new friends is difficult, sometimes impossible. The process is hard enough for me, takes close to a year to meet anyone that decides to take a chance on my "inadaquicities" & actually sticks around for ME other then ML but then we have to move again, again, again, even across town is difficult, but military families are always moving, so if not US moving, then the other people. I'm glad ML doesn't mind being an introvert but sometimes....well needless to say not too suprising the OM is a talkative extrovert. There were some good things about this whole mess, I know how to comminucate to ML what's wrong, lacking etc. He just hates that this person figured it out when ML has been trying for, oh god since I was 17 for some things. I know the impossible is actually a reality, but it hurts ML that HE wasn't the one to "fix" the problems, OM was.

SB your private message link doesn't work btw. IT's not that I have anything against anyone, it's just that I've had a bad MBE before (message board experience) enough said today on that. oh yeah guys, I've only seen OM twice 1 to tell his family I was still alive (they were scared) & the other to return some tools he left here. (I brought the dog along to chaperone) Not my fault he's better at getting me to talk about stuff, just happens that way. He mostly uses email to check in on us, not send lovie ****** or anything. I don't think his coming up to the house with ML here is such a good idea.....200 lb man vs. 360 lb man.....uh no definately not a good idea! ar

AR, a few things really stand out in your post. One is that you don't seem to have ANY idea whatsoever that contact of any sort with the OM is like having the A all over again and that it hurts the man you supposedly vowed to love until death do you part. So what if the OM doesn't send lovie ******? He's not your freaking H, he has no business being anywhere near your lives. Whoopee, the OM is a good talker. I bet he is. *rolleyes*. ALL OM's are good communicators, it's part of their whole modus operandi.

Another thing is that I've realised you are a year younger than my son and a year or two older than my daughter. Both of them show more maturity than you do.

Silver, you're not invisible. You always speak good sense and I know you're there.

Ana,

Exactly what can we do to help you here? What do you want from us? What is your purpose in posting?

BK

believer, not sure which home you mean. Home as in where we live in Germany or home in the US. Unfortunately, I can't bring my work home with me.

The closest we come to going on dates right now is taking her to lunch while the kids are in school. But that hasn't happened in at least 3 weeks because of the Christmas break with the kids being at home.

Just a picky point ... but why would she have needed to copy/paste his email address if she was just replying to his email? I only need to copy/paste an email address when I'm sending a NEW message to someone....otherwise, I just hit "Reply".

She's setup a "secret" email account. That email account uses her maiden name. Internet Explorer has a nice autofill feature for input boxes, which is how I know she has another email account.

Her main email account used a password that she's used for various things since at least 1998. The last time she told me her password for her email was over the summer. She's deleted all email from or sent to OM. After New Years, I setup a filter on her email account to delete all incoming emails from OM. She found the filter the next day. Yeah, I know, love buster... She's changed her password since then.

I haven't asked her about the password change or the "secret" email account.

WS is pissed about my last post. She went to bed shortly after I got home from work. She's hidden the laptop as well. When I asked her where it was, she told me that it was her laptop. I wanted to tell her that since it was my house, she needs to get out. I bit my tongue instead. I asked her if she was going to sleep until I went to bed and then stay up all night. "No, I'm tired." I asked her if she was going to lay in bed and pout. I didn't get a response.

I've been telling myself since D-Day that I can do much better than this and keep asking myself why I keep trying. I often wonder why I put up with this. Am I'm simply wasting my time?

WS just blew up on me. I asked her what she was upset about and she tried to say it was my fault. I told her that I wasn't going to except her blaming me. She then went off. It was pretty much one sided. I never was good at arguing.

She hates this website and thinks that I'm spending too much time focusing on the symptome (her affair) and not the issues (the situation that led up to it).

She blames me for not having any friends, because we've moved too much or other people move (part of being in and around the military).

I asked her what the issues were, but for the life of me couldn't remember what she'd said 10 minutes later. I was being defensive and didn't agree with most of what she said. Maybe it's a sign that I don't care about our relationship anymore.

She also claims that I don't help her with her problems. I've tried many times in the past, but she didn't want to discuss. So I don't ask or offer help anymore. My guess is that we are not communicating effectively. I want to help, but don't know how to go about it. The help I offer isn't what she wants so she rejects it.

We've bought a bunch of books to help us through this, but complained about which ones I've read first.

I could go on, it's all about her and everything is my fault... I'm sure everyone here has seen that before.

I don't know what to do at this point.

Start trying to meet her emotional needs. I'm still waiting for the list of things you are working on - 15 hours a week doing fun things, helping with the children, doing stuff around the house, etc.

keep waiting believer if he won't even tell you what the issues are, heck even say them OUTLOUD, how is he ever gonna know what needs working on. He's already said all he remembers is me me me , I I I..... I've been rolling this stone up a hill in hades for so long that he only notices when I stumble. But only the stumble not the rock or the hill or the scraped knees, just the fall! (how's that for biblical & mythological metaphors?!) I'll tell you a lot of the BOARD's (NOT Dr' H's) advice for me goes directly with prior medical instructions for care of what have you that ails me. DANGEROUS ADVICE at that. But he won't even say out loud in his own home what those things are! He buys books yes, but I'm the only one that reads them. I know all about me, why I do what I do, how I ntick, how to help me, etc..... But all he's focusing on is the fall... ..that's all he sees. oh yeah or the box in front of his face, sorry but true. YES! I turned off & unplugged everything but the radio before he came home, he's supposed to be spending time with us, yes? I removed my temptation why not his?

as for the card, it was an onlineline card, not an email reply & more the one key on this thing is broken (the guru did it, not I!) so I cut & paste the address from my book & sent a card. that was my last contact new year's day! Poetic I thought! And am I supposed to keep om's stuff so monster can throw them out the window, they are of some value. but they are not monster's! yes I know it hurts but I have to clean up my own damn mess, 'cuz no one else is helping..... -ar

oh yeah this is my last post, have a party! good bye! I thought being here was trying but I guess I was wrong.....if he believes trying isn't worthy of his/my time.....

ML,

Okay, she's foggy. Not unusual, because she is still contacting the OM. It will be "your fault" until she figures out it was "her fault". Then, over time, you will both figure out a lot of things.

You at least have the EN questionnaire - start filling those. Also, look at the Plan A information. Might help you to see what you need to do. Make sure your "giver" is well fed!

I will bump up my post to her. Ask her to just reply on that - and I will also check my PM.

SB

ar - Sorry this is your last post. I'll take over for you, rolling the stone uphill. I don't have young kids to care for, so I'll give it my full attention.

I picked up the habit of looking at my horoscope everyday while I was in Iraq. Today's horoscope was interesting:

"Someone close to you -- perhaps your spouse or lover -- is showing you a part of yourself that you may prefer not to see. You are so busy projecting yourself into your career, especially through all forms of communication, that you may have forgotten about your own feelings. Now is your chance to put your world back together by refocusing on your reactions to others. "

Have you figured out any needs of hers you can meet? How much time daily do you spend with your kids?

From Penalty Kill

Anastasia, as some other posters have mentioned, it's a good idea for you and your H to stay off each others threads. And I will go so far as to say that it's best not even to read each others posts, for now at least.

How do I know this? Because my H and I made the same mistake! My H doesn't post much any more, but he reads what I write. I am a FWW, an invisible human who has gone through some of the same things you have.

Anastasia, no one is going to lynch you here, and you can fix it so that you can ignore a poster, ie not see any of his/her posts. (Also there is no private message feature on this board). That being said, some of the posters that I had the most objection to at first are ones that I find myself often agreeing with now. Funny, that. You have one of best posters, believer, posting to you. Start your own thread, why don't you?

Posting can be very therapuetic, actually, because often the FWS has some unresolved anger toward the BS. I felt bad about this until S. Harley said it was very normal and understandable....

Are you still in contact w/OM? You know that if you are, each and every contact is very painful and hurtful to your H.

Anastasia,

Your H said this:



I'm curious to know how this stroke disabled the OM.

Apparently, he must meet some need of yours for conversation (think I read that). But, given that he is physically able to do yard work and things around the house that you have trouble doing, plus the fact that his parents "sent" him off to their vacation home and to stay with various relatives to get him away from you, it would seem that the stroke may have affected his mental abilities. After all, I can't think of too many mentally healthy 40-something men whose parents would be able to "send" them anywhere! That said, he apparently is still able to use the internet, so...what kind of conversation is he able to conduct with you?

I'm just wondering what your attraction toward him was about.

I don't spend as much time with them as I should. I may get to spend an hour or two with them between when I get home and when they go to bed. It's not consistant. The weekends are usually better.

I've been spending more time with my wife. Several times a week we go to the bakery to have breakfast after the kids having gotten on the bus for school and before I leave for work. We started going on walks in the evenings. Since the boys are back in school, we'll probably start having lunch together at least once a week. It's difficult to find a babysitter. No one that we know wants to watch my oldest because of his autism.

As far as what needs of hers that I can start filling, I don't know where to start. She doesn't regret the affair because sex with OM was so great.

She has been spending a lot of time talking about moving and looking at houses online. She realizes that OM and his parents living nearby is causing me a lot of grief and is not good for our relationship.

I hate the rollercoaster of emotions that I've been on lately. My taker has been back the last few days. I've been trying to keep to myself because of that.

LC, the German social system is different than the one in the US. To you or myself, he appears perfectly normal.

Good for you for spending time with your kids. Try to do that as much as you can.

The walks with your wife are good, and going out for breakfast. Try to think of other things you can do together. If you are creative, you may not need to get a babysitter.