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If you haven't guessed, anastasiaromanov is my WS.

I would have never guessed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Seriously, she's got the "WW" attitude down pat. The self-centeredness, the aversion to any open and honest discussion, the trying to pass off the OM as "just a friend", and the blameshifting are likely all side-effects of the A.

Unfortunately, as long as there is C between herself and the OM, the A will continue.


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Well, bit by bit, you are finding out some of the problems, MonsterLab. You were a better husband while you were gone. So there is no where to go but up.

If your wife won't fill out the emotional needs questionairre, I would just try to meet her needs in general. You can amp up the domestic support - helping with the kids, doing things with them, helping around the home, pitching in and doing your share.

It is important to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together, without the children. That way you can build some new memories together.

Most women like someone who will engage in conversation and listen and care about them.

Financial security is high on some women's lists. Are you working now?

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I was able to get her to fill out an ENQ the day after D-Day. The results were pretty ugly. It appeared as if I wasn't meeting any of her emotional needs. Even the one I thought for sure I'd do good on, Financial Support, she complained that I spent too much time chasing bigger and bigger paychecks. That is probably true as I do tend to put a lot of time and effort into work. I don't see it as pursuing a bigger paycheck. It's more of a way that I get satisfaction and fullfillment in life.

Yes, I am working now as a defense contractor supporting the U.S. military in Germany. I've felt that financial security was one of the main reasons she hasn't left. She doesn't agree. OM is living on disability because of a stroke. What I've seen her search the internet most often over the last two months is how to ensure I'll pay child support if I go back to the U.S. and she tries to stay in Germany.

Conversation is definitely one of my weak points.

I agree with ManInMotion about the side-effects. I've felt that everything that she's said since D-Day is her defending and justifying her actions. I've learned to take everything negative that she's said over the last 2 months with a large dose of salt.

I seen others ask the same questions, but I often wonder why I have to be the one putting so much effort into saving the relationship. I wasn't the one that cheated. I'm aware that I contributed to the environment that lead up to the affair. I know that the answer is Plan A is about me right now. It's just difficult to see at this point.

We are not close to spending 15 hours a week with each other.

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I seen others ask the same questions, but I often wonder why I have to be the one putting so much effort into saving the relationship. I wasn't the one that cheated.

Yes, it just doesn't seem fair, does it? I felt the same way as well. It took a while for me to realise that a WS really isn't a position to help until they're no longer a WS - which IMO means not only them stopping the A and having NC with the OP, but shedding the aspects of the WS personality that they took on during their A (e.g. the selfishness and self-centeredness, the tendency to avoid honesty and value secrecy over openness, the blameshifting and justification, etc.). Until those are no longer features of your WS' personality, you've got to do the hard work.


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Thank you. That helped explain the situation and the challenge ahead of me.

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That's not the only board I post on, just the one I started with because I wouldn't get gutted trying to stick my toe in the water! lol! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

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I've had a few surprises from the wife since I started this thread.

Last night: Her:"I hate you!" Me:"For what?" Her:"For posting this." (As she's snuggling up to me while I'm reading the message board) Actions speak louder than words.

When I came home from work today: Her:"She wants her emotional needs met." (Referring to the dog wanting to be petted) Me:"Have I been meeting your emotional needs?" (Directed to my wife) Her:"You've been getting better. But it's difficult when I haven't been meeting yours."

I guess I should have started this thread a while ago.

One day at a time....

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I'd like to make the suggestion that each of you have your own threads...we've seen similar situations here in the past when both BS and WS posted here for advice and help, and often (especially in the beginning) it's better for the two of them to post on their own threads, asking their own questions...and respecting each other's threads and not posting or reading those so that each got the advice they needed without any reaction from the other.

Make sense?

What do ya'll think?

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I'd like to make the suggestion that each of you have your own threads.

Agreed, mostly. My FWW posts here as well ("Tangled"), but we don't reply on each other's threads. I do read hers at times though - sometimes it's easier to understand a particular situation when I read what she's written.


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Ana,

I'm glad you did the questionnaire. That is one place to start.



BTW, I'm not invisible - I just checked in the mirror. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Well, it seems like you are getting somewhere. Your wife realizes that the dog has some emotional needs that you need to meet. Sometimes, she cracks me up!

Is it possible for you to work closer to home? That seems to be an issue. Even if she volunteered to stay in Germany, it doesn't seem like it was good for her.

Also do you help out with the kids? That goes a long way for most women. I know you work, but staying home with kids is never ending, and she might appreciate a break in that area.

Then could you get someone to watch the kids so you can go out on a date with her?

Gosh, I have all kinds of ideas. Let us know what you are doing in this area.

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believer actually germany has been VERY good for me, for once I'm not trapped in the house reliant on the seldom forthcoming good nature of other people to help me manage things. Amazing being in a place where I can CHOOSE to stay in the house instead of being forced there by inadacuacies (me thinks I spelled that wrong but I'm not spell checking)

He knows I read these, he asks me too. As for the comment about cuddling while he's on the box "STEP AWAY FROM THE ****** ****** ML, STEP AWAY" ok rant done. Only way I get to spend time with him is to fight over the triple w bra-sized ****** that inhabits our life. Like I said & you implied, chopping him off at the legs wouldn't solve much..... oh yeah don't bother to edit the swearing, it adds to the message I think & besides I'm done. Now if only the ****** would leave..... Needless to say I LIKE moving, the machines are boxed for a few months & the kids & I get our favorite person back. Making new friends is difficult, sometimes impossible. The process is hard enough for me, takes close to a year to meet anyone that decides to take a chance on my "inadaquicities" & actually sticks around for ME other then ML but then we have to move again, again, again, even across town is difficult, but military families are always moving, so if not US moving, then the other people. I'm glad ML doesn't mind being an introvert but sometimes....well needless to say not too suprising the OM is a talkative extrovert. There were some good things about this whole mess, I know how to comminucate to ML what's wrong, lacking etc. He just hates that this person figured it out when ML has been trying for, oh god since I was 17 for some things. I know the impossible is actually a reality, but it hurts ML that HE wasn't the one to "fix" the problems, OM was.

SB your private message link doesn't work btw. IT's not that I have anything against anyone, it's just that I've had a bad MBE before (message board experience) enough said today on that. oh yeah guys, I've only seen OM twice 1 to tell his family I was still alive (they were scared) & the other to return some tools he left here. (I brought the dog along to chaperone) Not my fault he's better at getting me to talk about stuff, just happens that way. He mostly uses email to check in on us, not send lovie ****** or anything. I don't think his coming up to the house with ML here is such a good idea.....200 lb man vs. 360 lb man.....uh no definately not a good idea! ar

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AR, a few things really stand out in your post. One is that you don't seem to have ANY idea whatsoever that contact of any sort with the OM is like having the A all over again and that it hurts the man you supposedly vowed to love until death do you part. So what if the OM doesn't send lovie ******? He's not your freaking H, he has no business being anywhere near your lives. Whoopee, the OM is a good talker. I bet he is. *rolleyes*. ALL OM's are good communicators, it's part of their whole modus operandi.

Another thing is that I've realised you are a year younger than my son and a year or two older than my daughter. Both of them show more maturity than you do.

Silver, you're not invisible. You always speak good sense and I know you're there.

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Ana,

Exactly what can we do to help you here? What do you want from us? What is your purpose in posting?

BK


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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believer, not sure which home you mean. Home as in where we live in Germany or home in the US. Unfortunately, I can't bring my work home with me.

The closest we come to going on dates right now is taking her to lunch while the kids are in school. But that hasn't happened in at least 3 weeks because of the Christmas break with the kids being at home.

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Had a surprise on New Year's day. The "p" key on the laptop doesn't work, so we've been using Ctrl C and Ctrl V to copy and paste the letter "p" when we type. When I hit Ctrl V that morning, OMs email address appeared. When I confronted her, she said that she does occasionally email him. He had emailed her wishing her a happy New Years. She replied back and complained about the party we went to.

Just a picky point ... but why would she have needed to copy/paste his email address if she was just replying to his email? I only need to copy/paste an email address when I'm sending a NEW message to someone....otherwise, I just hit "Reply".

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She's setup a "secret" email account. That email account uses her maiden name. Internet Explorer has a nice autofill feature for input boxes, which is how I know she has another email account.

Her main email account used a password that she's used for various things since at least 1998. The last time she told me her password for her email was over the summer. She's deleted all email from or sent to OM. After New Years, I setup a filter on her email account to delete all incoming emails from OM. She found the filter the next day. Yeah, I know, love buster... She's changed her password since then.

I haven't asked her about the password change or the "secret" email account.

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WS is pissed about my last post. She went to bed shortly after I got home from work. She's hidden the laptop as well. When I asked her where it was, she told me that it was her laptop. I wanted to tell her that since it was my house, she needs to get out. I bit my tongue instead. I asked her if she was going to sleep until I went to bed and then stay up all night. "No, I'm tired." I asked her if she was going to lay in bed and pout. I didn't get a response.

I've been telling myself since D-Day that I can do much better than this and keep asking myself why I keep trying. I often wonder why I put up with this. Am I'm simply wasting my time?

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WS just blew up on me. I asked her what she was upset about and she tried to say it was my fault. I told her that I wasn't going to except her blaming me. She then went off. It was pretty much one sided. I never was good at arguing.

She hates this website and thinks that I'm spending too much time focusing on the symptome (her affair) and not the issues (the situation that led up to it).

She blames me for not having any friends, because we've moved too much or other people move (part of being in and around the military).

I asked her what the issues were, but for the life of me couldn't remember what she'd said 10 minutes later. I was being defensive and didn't agree with most of what she said. Maybe it's a sign that I don't care about our relationship anymore.

She also claims that I don't help her with her problems. I've tried many times in the past, but she didn't want to discuss. So I don't ask or offer help anymore. My guess is that we are not communicating effectively. I want to help, but don't know how to go about it. The help I offer isn't what she wants so she rejects it.

We've bought a bunch of books to help us through this, but complained about which ones I've read first.

I could go on, it's all about her and everything is my fault... I'm sure everyone here has seen that before.

I don't know what to do at this point.

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Start trying to meet her emotional needs. I'm still waiting for the list of things you are working on - 15 hours a week doing fun things, helping with the children, doing stuff around the house, etc.

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