I didn't want to steal the post so i created a new one.

As it goes, My W and i are getting along great, I know all the details and there has been NC for around a Year. My W and i have taken a large vacation, and she has been very dedicated to the M. She loves to cuddle and other affection.

My unresolved issues are concerning my W breaking down and takeing an active role in fixing her own mistake. For example we have some self help books that i have read and asked her to read and DISCUSS with me. The first one she has been trying to read, but after a few pages she becomes so overcome with guilt that she just starts crying and can't contiue.

She has applogysed and answered any direct questions i have asked. But I don't think she really understands what I am going through, and is stuck in this I'm feeling guilty stage. Before she got preg, she stated she wanted to kill her self (because of guilt). Now she is dedicated, but any reminders she will just start crying uncontrolably, and will start beating her self up for being "stupid". I came accross something from our wedding which was a small trigger for me, so i kinda through it down roughly, she saw that and realized it was because of the A. She cried for two hours, because at that point she relized that our wedding didn't bring on the same happyness as it use to.

Later on she appologysed, but it was for getting upset.

Just recently we found out that she has a Cyst the size of an ostrige egg in her. If she gets put under too much strain she could really hert herself and the baby. Not to mention that she has all the other issues that go along with a prengnancy at 6months.

Back to my unresoved issue. It is that I need her to come to me with informaiting (i can't think of a better word). Rather then me always asking. I have tried to give her ways to do so by discussing the self help books, and other oppertunaties. But It is mostly up to her.

Take out that my W had an A, and I would be the happiest man alive right now and at this point My biggest concern is for my babies, and my W's health. If that means just acceptace opposed to genuine forgiveness, then I am willing to take that (from: "how can i forgive you? by Janis A. Spring).

-bj

Hi Wiley-
I just wanted to jump in here because I was in your wife's situation two years ago. I got pregnant with my husband's baby while very active in a full-blown emotional affair.

Two years later, our little 16 month-old is the joy of our lives. The baby did as much, if not more, toward healing from my affair as the marriage builders program. My affair is dead, there is no contact with OM, and my marriage is healing.

Just wanted to tell you that the baby is not necessarily a complicating factor. God works in mysterious ways- and I see His hand here in your life.

Good luck Wiley-
~Saturn

P.S. Buy "His Needs Her Needs for parents"

Hmmm. methinks this is a bad way to frame it.

you havent said what you actually want. what you think that needs "fixing".

rather than saying, "i want her to read books", how about stating what you would specifically like from her, HERE. then folks could help you figure out a nice, low-stress way to engage her in conversation about it.

Wiley I see her attitude as somewhat encouraging actually. It's a sign she truely gets it really. it is very hard for a FWW who is hit with the full brunt of her actions and the pain she willingly caused.

For my wife, the solution was emailing with other FWW's and participating in some forums. Made a world of difference to her. Sha can now talk reasonably freely about her affair with others she is trying to help. It would very much help her to come here to Marriage Builders.

What I want from her in "fixing" her mistake, is to be able to bring up the subject and tell me things she is embarrased to say. Which i have asked her to do. I found out by spying, and since D-day sturgled(ing) with trusting that she Will tell me things i sould know, or even her feelings (instead of running to a different OM).

I believe that she has learned her lesson, and will not stray again, but I just never got over HOW i found out. I really don't know what will help me get over this. Mostly I think i am looking for her to change thought processes of "let's just forget this and move on" to "Lets fix (recover) from this and move on". I can only give her oppertunities to make that change, and encourge her to do stuff that will make that change, but it is something that she has to do on herown.

I will suggest that she start posting to MB.

Your recovery Wiley is inextricably linked to hers. You can only progress so far in recovery alone. She needs to catch up with you. Not that one sided recoveries are impossible but they are much more drawn out and painful.