Lunamare,

Thanks for the tips... as I reread my letter I too was thinking that I was taking on almost all the responsibilty for the breakdown of my M. I wasn't perfect but it was not all my fault. And good point about giving more fuel for his having the affair.
I thought about adding things that I admire about who he used to be. Not sure about that one thou.

Thanks again.
And if anyone else has input I would really appreciate it.

Still

Bumped for feedback of SH01's PBL.....

SH01,


...keep in mind that a WS will be reading this...

...for me....it's important not to 'dilute' too much the one clear message you want WS to retain.... your willingness to work on the M and the path back to you, M and family....and the ONE thing that needs to happen as a pre-requisite to the possibility of recovery....N\C with OW!

....and then leave the ball in his court.... and go take care of yourself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Lunamare,
I won't add that then to my plan B letter. I guess I'm hoping along with WH reading that letter that maybe H may peep through and see it also.
He knows the ball is in his court right now and I don't think the ball is going to come abck to my side anytime soon.
Today is a tough day being Valentine's day and everything. He's been my Valentine since I was 18! This is my first one without him. And it really just hurts so bad.
I do have some general questions on plan B. There are going to be events for our kids that we probably will both be at...the thing that comes to my mind are games right now. How am I suppose to handle that? There is no way I'm not going because of him. Right now he is the outsider with all of friends and I know this bothers him, but apparently not enough to stop what he is doing.
I did send him an e-card just telling him Happy V-day and I was thinking of him. I know I won't get anythimg back and that just hurts so much.
He is suppose to have our son tonight and tomorrow... wonder if he'll blow off our son to be with his HO. I know I'll definately LB there.
Thanks again for the info.
And i would also appreciate any other comments from others.

Thanks,
Still

Make sure that you state that ABSOLUTELY no contact with ANY OW is a condition of you even considering recovery. This is most important.

Also, state that you understand your part in the state of the marriage, and that's it. Stating maybe one specific way that you did this is okay, as an example, but then MOVE ON.

I'll see if I can't dig up the reference letter that I got off of this forum as a template. It was very helpful.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;gonew=1#UNREAD


copy of chivers' PBL

AND

Here is a guide to writing a plan B letter.

10 steps to a plan B letter

1.State that the WS actions with OP are have eroded your loving feelings for them and your number one priority is to protect the loving feelings you have for spouse. In order to do this you must separate yourself from their presence and contact so their actions cease to diminish your love for them.

2.State of intention to stay married to spouse.

3. Acknowledge own shortcomings in creating the marriage rift. (generally and short but factual)

4. State intention to keep children in original happy “two parent” marriage.

5 State intention to work with spouse to rebuild marriage better than it was before, to create a situation for both of you, so happy you will be completely fulfilled in the marriage.

6 State - separation. no personal contact for any reason - names of intermediaries of choice - if children in family - how to hand over children for visit through intermediary - financial - separation unless it is for children's needs. (sometimes you cannot keep them with you and have to pay support).

7. State intention to separate financial accounts if there are no children.

8. State conditions for rebuilding. NC with OP and NC letter to OP. If addiction involved, Must be in treatment program. Include job change, moving away, limiting (moderating) FOO contact and changing social circles if one or all of these is the only way to NC. Acknowledge that this will be hard for them and state your willingness to do anything to make this possible and to support them through the changes necessary.

9. No other way to see or talk to you. Do not make exceptions to the boundaries - (common sense - in life or death situations, they, intermediary or doctor would automatically contact you and separation would be put on hold)

10. Reiterate love for spouse and intention to be married to them for the rest of your lives.

-------------------------------------------------

I was asked to help someone with a plan B letter. I couldn't find a template like this, it's probably under my nose, so I had a try at making one. I expect I have missed things out or got something wrong, but it is my third? attempt at a template. Comments welcome

SP

SH01,



I am sorry for the pain....but as you have probably guessed by now....for a BS....the new 'normal' will include many MANY triggers....reminders of the loss... and you do need a game plan....the objective being....not to dwell on them.... and to take on the job that S did....

....treat yourself!

My personal techniques for triggers are several:..

...if at all possible, avoid purposely being confronted by a trigger...there will be enough out there without BS's help....

...triggers also come in many forms and can be very unpredictable: a word, an image, a song, an odour, ANYTHING.... that will awaken one of our senses....and so when that happens what I usually do is try to let the 'moment' pass...I recognize the trigger...identify WHY it's a trigger.... breath in deeply... and 'talk to myself'....like....'hang in there...one more minute'....while I try to think of way to 'get away' from the trigger.... turn the song off if I can... whatever it takes...

..the most productive method and the least painful...is to just be too busy to 'invest' in the trigger...and it's the least painful because you don't have time to get to the second stage of the 'trigger'.....reliving the 'emotions' connected to the trigger...which become a measure and reminder of the loss....of what ONCE was!


Well...there...SH01...you answered your own question!.... so discretly stay away from WS...hopefully...it being a 'public' space... no need to have to 'sit next to each other'..... and don't worry about the kids and what they think.... it would be more worrisome for them to see the two of you together and not know what going on between you... so they will be better to concentrate on their game.... rather on the parents!

I'm glad Silent put those 10 rules on there. I felt the initial letter was way too sappy - putting myself in the shoes of a WS. Basically the shorter the better. AND the clearer the better. You have already said all the nice things to him. That's what Plan A is all about.

Of course I read the letter but it wasn't clear to me while reading or afterward that the point was no contact what so ever. It's not clear and to the point. Hope this helps you.

Oh and asking him over for dinner isn't going to help - I agree with that too. I don't think you need to go out of your way to get him in your house or with you. Basically you just need to attend mutual events and look good and act happy. JMHO! Best to you.

Thank you all for the great feedback....I'm going to work on the recommendations. I know it may seem somewhat sappy.... that's the type of person I am (always wore my heart on my sleeve). And at first I think itwas one of the things he fell in love with.
Thanks for the ways to get past triggers... I find I am getting better at these. It doesn't cut as muchas they used too.
I am going to use the 10 steps... something to do tonight.

Just got back from taking my DD to PT and her PT person is a good friend (now see if you can follow this) She woeks with the mother of one of the MOW friends (who also works for my H) Her daughter told her mom if I could only hang on a little longer because she rhinks SB is starting to get bored with my WH. I wonder why... money is tight and they really have to go far away to go out. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up and he still may not come back to me. But I think it gives us more of a chance to work on this. Am I being stupid?

Still

NOPE! Not being stupid, but hearing this news should spurn you forward into a GREAT Plan B. Be Dark! Write that letter, give the roadmap home. Take care of yourself.

Here's the trick, you won't have many questions about this working if you do it to the letter. Find that Plan, stick to it. Respect yourself and your children. Be strong, unwavering right now! Get that letter done.

You will still question what he's doing during your darkness, it's inevitable, but you will NOT question why you are doing this if you have that PBL to guide him, as well as yourself, to recovery.

Thanks Sl,

It makes me happy to here that she is getting bored... best news I'v had all day (hehe)
I'm going to work on my letter a liitle bit later. And really define my plan for his way back. Although another good friend who I shared this with doesn't want me to get to hopeful.. she thinks he was using this as an exit affair anyway.

Still

still

i'm catching up on your thread

i just read the e-mail you send on feb 2nd

it was so wonderful

i too sent an e-mail from my heart

asking for another chance to work things out

the 'no response" that you've gotten so far (i'll keep reading the thread in case he did respond later)

anyway, no respons is better than the "no tahnks i'm turning gay" response that i got from my husband

like it was a big joke....i poured my heart out and cried the whole time i wrote the e-mail and i was a joke to him

ofcourse, i had no idea at that time that the OW was living with him and probably reading the e-mail also

i've got to shovel some snow then i'll read some more

still hurting

it seems that our feelings are in the same place

however, i have been in plan B for a very long time while you are still making your plans

i will pary for you because i have seen many A's here end soon after the start of plan b

Eav,

Thanks for the prayers....The e-mail I sent that day was deep from my heart. The day he got it he couldn't even look me in the eye that evening. I know it hit him. I never did get a response. Only thgis past Saturday when he found where I had printed it off and mistakenly I left it on my coffee table (had shown a friend the night before) he was pretty pissed and angry that our kids might see it. It is known of thier business. My feeling is that it only shows that thier mother still feels deeply and is taking her marital commitment seriously. Anyways I don't think they saw it.
I'm am preparing for plan B and I hope it does help. But I do need to prepare myself that it may not because he may have checked out of the M way before this. I just don't feel like I have done everything I can. So I need to keep trying.
How long have you been in Plan B? And I do feel a kindred spirit with you because I'm feeling many of the same things as you are right now.
My Wh is not living with the MOW yet.... but I don't even think it will get that far. I heard today through the grapevine that she is getting pretty bored with him, this really makes my day plus the fact that they can't spend tonight together because it's his night with our son. BooHoo. She doesn't usually have her kids on Wednsday nights.
My driveways just been plowed and I will shovel in front of my garage in morning.... we are getting hit by a whopper.

Still

Eav,
I also meant to add that was awful what you WH said....so cruel. I know how words can cut and scar almost like a physical wound.
I to cried the whole time I was writing it and still cry when I read it.

Thanks again
Still

I don't know if this was good or bad... although I feel goo dabout it. WH cam to picke up son> When he walked in the door I smiled at him and said as I touched his stomach Happy Valentines Day. He told me the same. He notice what I got the kids and said I didn't even get them anything (wondering if he got MOW anything... will not dwell on that) and I said that's okay. He said no it's not and that he was running to the store to pick something up. Jokingly I mentioned I liked chocolate also. He gave me the look... been getting those alot. Not disgust just are you kidding.
He dropped off the present and jokingly I said... I'm insulted nothing for me and just smiled... he smiled back and said good night. Didn't seemed pissed, But I feel good about the exchange. he knew I was joking and not being mean.

Still

I'll be leaving in about 15 minutes to see my attorney.... I'm going to ask him to put the D on hold or stop the process whatever you call it. Not sure if this will do anything because my WH counterfiled. I just need to do what my gut and heart are telling me. I am not ready to give up. I thought I was but I'm really not. I still love my H and believe we can make it.
I've changed for the better and have been trying to show him when I can or when he allows.
I guess I'm ready for the 2 X4's

Still

SH01,

No 2x4 here... hope your lawyer will at least be able to 'drag' it out...if it's what you want.... to give you a chance to 'check out' what you need to....

Good luck.

My attorney has agreed that if WE want to put this on hold then he is all for it. I really think my attorney is all for marriage. Been married 30 plus years. Still wants to protect my interest and all.
We will have a plan that hopefully Wh will consider and agree to. Counciling for both of us to see what broke down in the M. Suggest IC for WH to help him deal with this. Taking baby steps forward.... when to think about moving back together etc. Of course all this is dependent on him. There is no time limit that the divorce complaint it's good for awhile (doesn't expire in 6 months) And if WH doesn't agree then we will proceed... it doesn't hurt my caase to want to reconcile.
Spoke at length with WH last night and he felt safe to tell me some of the things that I had done and he felt contributed... told me he was afraid to come talk to me that it wouuld lead to an argument. I told him he's telling me now and we're not arguing... I'm listening. It hurt to hear some of the things.. but he needs to get them out and I need to show him it's safe to tell me these things. He told me he regrets alot of his decisions that he has made.
I told him I still believe in him and us that with hard work we could have a better M. We talked about 30 minutes and he told me he would call me in am.
He called me this morning and we talked almost all the way to my attorney's office (about 20 minutes). He kept telling me my attorney would set me striaght. I mentioned how everyone thinks I'm doing the wrong thing.. he told me he's not surprised because my H thinks I'm making a mistake. I told him my mistake would be to not put this on hold when my heart and soul isn't in it. That I still love him and that I always will.
After my appt. I needed to go to his workplace and pick something up... he looked so sad... we went into an office and talked some more. I told him what my attorney said. And near the end I asked him for a hug and he said no. Then as I was leaving the office I hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Wrong thing... he said stop it. And I left in tears.
He called me 10 minutes later to check up on me and I told him I was sorry and he said don't be. He mentioned he would call me later.

Still

((((((((STILL)))))))

I think that you are doing the right thing Honey! YOU keep your head up...

Perhaps your WH doesn't feel worthy of affection...I read how he doesn't look at you and I don't think he understand that there is a road home...it's not in his belief system right now...

I'm so sorry that you are hurting...

Please let us know how his call to you goes...

Thanks Rind,

I also feel like this is what I have to do. I mean what do I have to lose? I just feel if we have more time to evaluate and work on a plan it can happen. I prayed all last night for the answer....I wasn't sure what I was going to do this morning at attorneys' office. And I feel in my heart I had the answer... this is what I needed to do. I pray every night for God to open my WH heart to my love and His. And I'm starting to see something. When I looked into his eyes today I didn't see what I have been seeing previously (no emptiness) just sadness and hurt. I believe we can help each other through this hurt.
I have to believe or I'm afraid I'll crash.

Still