I know I shouldn't want him back... he is a serial cheater. But how do you tell your heart that. He's alll I've ever known. He's the father of my children. I love him.
And I really feel that we could get back on track. I really thought he was having a change of heart. Right now I don't want my life as it is. I want my family back together.
He won't even formally agree to not bring MOW around my son!!! He supposedly love his children! But let me bring my w****e around my son. This is how much Irespect thier mother.
I just can't stop crying right now.
Oh he teared up during mediation about how he not seeing his daughter enough and how she won't tell him she loves him. What a bunch of bull he barely makes an effort. But it is my fault... and his attorney made the comment that we should force her into counciling.
My attorney could see he was blowing me off and decided it was best to do the rest of mediation separately.
I can't believe I had myself convinced that this could work out. What the he!! was I thinking.
When does the hurt go away....

Still

still

i'm in he!! today too

i don't want to give up either but i don't see much reason to keep trying

i'm going to pray that i get over the new crap that i've got to deal with

i wish things had gone differently for you

i wish i knew why so many here seem to recover their marraige

i wish i could go back in time and fix this mess

what's that saying? "crap in one hand and wish in the other and see which one is filled first"

like you, i wonder how something this awful happens to someone who is trying so hard

WHY can't these men see that we CAN get through this?

because they already have someone else

we'll that's just NOT FAIR

and i'm tired of this being so unfair!

and i'm tired of being hurt by the one person who swore to keep me safe from harm

i know you feel like i do right now.

so, what are we going to do about it still?

Eav,

I think tonight I'm gong to lick my wounds... and just try to pray. Although right now I'm a little angry at God. I know He can handle it. I just feel so abandoned right now.
I'm at the point one of my friends was telling me she knew this was going to happen. He doesn't want to be M and he's gone. I just wanted to scream. Don't you think I realise this. I need to hear I'm sorry I know this must hurt.
Sometimes when you're hurting so bad you just want comfort. We don't need facts thrown in our face. Believe me I'm living it, I know the facts.
Every night when I'm all alone at night....I know the facts. My bed is empty, there is no one there to hug or comfort me... I know the facts.
Eav,
I don't know what we can do right now... I still want to recover my M. But the man I spoke to this morning and the man at mediation were two different people. I don't like who I saw at mediation.
I mentioned to my lawyer about plan B (didn't call it that) he recommends not writing a letter because it could be used against me in court. That I still needed to co-parent ( I hate that word). But I didn't need to talk to him about other things. So I need to evaluate that. I'm thinking of writing a letter tonight and maybe just throw it in. I don't know.
I did mention in mediation because he made a comment about our D being here every night... I said that could be fixed ...come home and you would see our children every morning and night. That I wanted to reconcile.
Like you Eav I'm not ready to let go yet...I'm still going to give it another week or two and I guess I have to do a modified plan B due to my council.
I too am tired of life being unfair....

Still

My letter to my H

M,

I didn't think my heart could break anymore then it did today. I've mentioned many times during the last few weeks that I would like to stop this divorce and possibly try reconciling. I've told you that I love you... I loved you since our freshman year in college. That year I gave you a gift that I could never give away again. I was aways proud of the fact that we had only been with each other and no one else. It breaks my heart that this is no longer the case. I hate the movies that go through my head... I wish I could just wipe it away.

It was made very clear today that you want to continue on the route that this is going. It is a ride I do not wish to share. Unfortunately I have no choice in this matter. Our children have no choice that our family is no longer inact. I still believe we could have a wonderful M. It wouldn't be easy, but who said life will be easy. Divorce isn't easy either as we saw today. How did we get to this point? I ask myself this all the time. I fear these questions will never be answered. A puzzle that I do not have all the pieces too.

Watching our M fall into this situation...knowing you are with another women is just becoming to much for me to bear. Can you imagine watching me with another man while trying to do everthing in your power to save our M. It hasn't been easy. Wanting to forgive you is still in my heart... and wanting you home is still in my heart. I am trying to come to terms with the fact this is not what you want.

I still feel we are making the biggest mistake of our life...
As i have said before I made a promise many years ago to love and cherish you in better and worse. I'm sorry for my contribution to worse I wish I could chang the past the only thing I can change is my future... I wish that future was going to be shared with you.

I love you enough to let go.

Still

not sure I'm going to send this... it still seems disjointed to me. I guess I want to send the perfect love letter.

hey still

i think it's a very loving letter.

the closing that you wrote is wonderful!


if you're going to make it into a plan "B" letter, don't forget to include how you will communicate regarding the children and that if he ever chooses to end the A and end all contact with OW for life, you would be willing to discuss a future with him.

here are some of the things that Jennifer helped me to include in case your looking for any ideas:
(i paid for her to help me write it but you're getting the same advice for free!....oh well a sad attempt at humor on a miserable, crummy, no good, very bad day)

her ideas:

I want you to know that I am so sorry for my part in creating the environment that helped to make this affair possible. I deeply regret that I did not give you the time, attention, and affection that you needed to be happy. I am desperately hoping that one day you will forgive me and allow us to create a new future together.

During the past year and a half, I have been learning what a marriage should be and I’ve tried to show you love, protection and care in the limited time that we’ve had together. I have learned so many important things. It’s like a light bulb came on for me and I now know what is needed to make our marriage a happy, loving and supportive place to be. I have made so many changes. Some you may have noticed and some you have yet to discover. Most importantly I have learned that there isn’t anybody or anything as important to me as you are.

Whatever problems we had, I am confident that we can overcome them and that we can create a new lifestyle that allows us to spend time together meeting each others needs so that we can both be happy.

I have tried so hard to stay connected to you even under these extremely difficult circumstances and I treasure every contact that we have. However, the current situation has become too excruciating for me to endure. Knowing that you are with someone else tears me to pieces. At times the thoughts are unbearable. Yet I still have hope that one day we can truly recover the good times we have had and create a new life together that represents total commitment to each other, caring about and meeting each other’s needs, protecting each other’s feelings, complete honesty, and spending time together.

So I’m asking you to please understand that I need to protect my feelings for you so that if you decide to give our marriage a new chance, I will still love you and want to try again. The only way I can think of to do this is to end all contact with you until your affair has ended. I say this with tears in my eyes because this is not what I want. But knowing that you are with someone else everyday is destroying the love I have for you.

It is not that I don't want you in my life...I want that more than anything...but I want all of you… and I want you all to myself. Sharing you is just too painful.

If you should decide that you want to work on building a new relationship with me, I promise you that I will leave the past behind us. I will ask only that you do the same. I hope that one day you will decide to allow us to begin again.

I loved you when I married you. I continue to love you to this day. I will love you forever.

..........

ps still

i hear there are plenty of men in Alaska if we ever do decide to give up

Hi Still- I can really really relate to your situation as mine is quite similar. My H says he wants a D and is living with OW( I filed in Dec. and he counterfiled but I've also been having second thoughts about D) but he spends alot of time over at our home on the wkends and even starting going back to church recently with us so go figure. His words and actions are not lining up.Most people think I am crazy for even letting him in the door. I just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone and I hope you can keep your faith strong during this difficult time. Take care- lifeismessy

Eav,
As you can tell I'm having trouble staying asleep. (lol) what Jennifer told you to include is beautiful...I will think about adding that. I'm not sure that what I wrote is a plan B letter per say... it was and just is how I'm feeling.
Throughout our marriage I found I was able to write my feelings in many letters to my H. I know at one time he had kept them. I would run across them once in a while. I just need him to know that I am sorry. I did mention that in the e-mail that I had sent earlier this month. Didn't include it in this one... although I haven't sent this one either. I will send some version, hoping that it will be my last love letter. I just love my H very much. There are things I need to remember.. that he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Although at time I was also verbally abusive. I'm working on this in IC and with prayer. I feel I am doing much better. My WH wasn't always like that though... was I the one to cause him to start acting that way? Again questions I'll never have answered.
Right now I'm strongly trying not to get in my car and see if MOW is at home. Have a gut feeling that she is with WH tonight. He was suppose to call so we could discuss some issues with our oldest D who is in Germant right now. The school has frozen her account.. didn't realise he hadn't paid last installment of her tuition. Needless to say she is "freaking out". Also I'm curious to know if he did end up going to Mass last night with my younger D. I was asleep when she got home. I'll find out in the morning. Oh wait it is morning (lol).
I guess tonight I'm just rambling... did TM my WH about not being able to sleep. He won't get it till morning. I'm really feeling lonely right now and don't want to go back to an empty bed.... I hate sleeping alone.
Eve are you from Alaska??? This was somewhere I always wanted to see... my boss lived there for a couple of years (years ago) and I think that's where she met her H. It was my dream to do an Alaskan cruise on our 25th anniversary.
I'm more on the line right now about moving to Virginia beach when my youngest is out of HS. That's if this D does go through. I guess I can keep deluding myself that it's still not over yet.
LIM,
Yes we do have very simalar situations. What I see in your WH is that he likes to come over and do family things. My WH wants to do family things but without me. He doesn't come and hang around very often. He usually can't wait to get out the door. I also notice that your WH also had 2 A's with co-workers. And it looks like very similar time lines. My WH isn't living with MOW yet and may not ever. I've heard she is starting to get bored plus her 1st H is tryiny to get custody of thier D last I heard.
I wonder if thier words and actions ever line up. My WH had me feeling very strongly that he was having second thoughts... but his actions proved otherwise. Then I think maybe I was just hearing what I wanted to hear.
I'm trying to keep up my faith... today was just a blow because I really felt God was telling me to keep fighing for my M. Maybe He was... and this is just another dip in the rollercoaster ride. or maybe I'm being delusional again.

Still

Good Morning! Just wanted to check on you and ask what's the goal of today!

You've licked your wounds and today's move in the right direction is?

We can get back on track together if you would like!

E shared a song with me on my thread...perhaps it will do you some good today too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There's to brighter days!

Thanks Rind,

I'm still very sad today... didn't sleep last night at all. Coming down with my DS cold.
My move today is to force myself to do some major housekeeping not one of my favorite things to do. And to not let yesterday get me to down.. I still have some hope.
And I'm thinking of taking in a movie later with my DD.
I tried to listen to the song but was having trouble.
It sounds like a plan to get back on track together... I'll keep checking in.
Need to run an errand.

Still

I have been in your shoes. I spent many nights asking why my WH got to walk away from our M, our family, all of our responsibilities, after 18 years of marriage, and I was the one who was suffering while he was out having a grand time. For those first several months, he was really having a good time. And he told everyone all about it. He was constantly telling people that he was “happier than he had ever been before in his life” and that he was never coming back. I would hear reports from people all the time about how they saw him at various functions, MOW hanging all over him. They played on a co-ed softball team together, they went to the beach on the weekends, he watched her kids play soccer – you name it. I could not understand it. My boys and I were at home – too poor to go out. After awhile, he finally began spending time with the boys again. Taking them to the park to meet MOW, taking them to watch their softball team play. Several people felt the need to tell me that she was always hanging on him, sitting on his lap, etc, while my boys sat there watching. How horrible is that!!! A complete lack of respect for their mom, who was at home crying.

At one point, a friend told me that what he was doing was enjoying “sin for a season” and that was all he was getting. A season. But his season would end, and he would have a much longer spell of hard times. But me, on the other hand, I would go through the hard times now, I would be sad, and mourn, but eventually I would come out the other side, and then I would enjoy a much longer time of happiness.

And that has turned out to be exactly true.

My Ex’s A ended somewhere between months 6-12. During the A he was horrible to me. Telling me that I was always a horrible wife, that is why he left, he was much happier now, OW was his soul mate, she did everything right. My self esteem was gone. We ended up divorced during this time. And after the D I began to find peace. Slowly, each day, I found things to be happy about. When my H left, I felt like I had no one to love me. Turns out that wasn’t true. I had LOTS of people loving me. I just never realized it before. I started doing things that I enjoyed doing – and I no longer had my H around to make fun of me.

And when his A finally ended, he was no longer mean to me. He did share some of the stories of things that happened to him during the A. things like – MOW was on her cell phone ALL the time. She racked up bills of $600-$900 every single month. When she had finally maxed all her credit cards paying for her phone, she made him put some of her bills on his cards, until he had maxed out his credit as well (thankfully, after the D was final). All of the partying and fun came at a huge price. Early in the A she was buying him gifts – clothes, sun glasses, etc. I found receipts for jewelry he bought her, using the debit card from OUR joint account. I remember wondering WHY she was getting jewelry? I never did. I wore a simple gold band from our wedding day and that was it. But now this woman marched in, broke up my family, and she got gifts for doing it!!

But when the A ended, they both were completely broke. He had to move in with his mom. He couldn’t afford to buy his sons a Christmas gift. He ended up filing bankruptcy. Almost all of his friends had given up on him long ago. He was definatly in his miserable season. And I was at peace. Content. Enjoying friends and family. Loving my children. Just happy to go to sleep at night without crying.

(by the way – he did make a feeble attempt to reconcile but he had found several “friends” on the internet that he wouldn’t give up, so I told him no thanks)
That was all 4 years ago. Today, I am happily married to a wonderful Christian man. He loves me, and my kids. He buys me jewelry! There is no porn in our house (ex H had lots of porn). My new H doesn’t swear, doesn’t scream at me, and doesn’t make fun of me. I am not in my sad season any longer.

As for my WxH – he has married OW#2, and he looks miserable. I have known this woman for years – she acts bi-polar. Constant threats of suicide when she doesn’t get her way. He has all the drama he was looking for!

Sin for a season. That is all your WH will have.

In my opinion, he has a chance to fix all of this still. If he does get his act together, and re-commits to his family, he can get his life back on track. But if he continues down this current path, he will find himself digging his hole deeper all the time. It is a shame. Having been through all of this, I can see where your H is headed, and it makes me sad for him. Pray that he will wake up. Pray that the Lord will bring you peace during this time. And just remember that you will find happiness again, you will be content again, and your happiness will actually last for many years.

WOF,

Thank-you so much for the beautiful response. It hurts to read what you went through... because I can feel the pain that you were feeling. I want you to know that your story also gives me hope... hope that if this doesn't work out the way I would like that it is possible to have a happy life.
I do pray all the time that my WH does get his act together and recommits to his family. He was a wonderful man. I wish I could stop him and make him see everything has a price... and is this worth the price. You had a very knowledgable friend...a season of sin. That's exactly what my WH is doing right now. My DD told me last night someone at church went up to him and said the beginning of lent even brings the sinners to church. He laughed but I think that had to affect him having that said in front of his D.
Like I said I do pray all the time for him to wake up and let the Lord back in and I also pray for peace. Although right now I'm praying much harder for the recovery of my M.
Thank you so much WOF you have a beautiful way with words and your current H is very lucky to have you.

Still

I'm in the mood to write letters... this is my latest. Almost like a goodbye letter. Not one I'm ready to send but thinkng this will be my last to him. I don't think I've given up yet. I'm seriously thinking about calling SH. Just would like some opinions...

Dear M,

I have been writing this letter in my head for a long time... what I'm trying to get across in this letter to you is how much I love you. I remember studying in the library one night our freshman year in college and this guy coming up to me to ask me how to help out with his "girl" back home. I must give off an aura of being a match maker... and I tried to tell him what to do for his girlfriend. Little did I know at this time it was all a ruse just to talk to me. This guy kept hanging around... Sharon and I thought it always happened whenever we had food. Then this guy asked me to a Celtics game that November. The only reason I went was because I had never been to a professional basketball game. Little did I know that that date would change the rest of my life.
Well we started spending all our free time together and I fell in love with you. In February I gave this guy something I had never given anyone else before. A gift that can never be given again. That night we learned intimacy. All our years together this was something that I was always so proud of that we were each others firsts.
We had our ups and downs during our 5 years of college...those are years I will hold and cherish forever. Whenever I go to Boston all I can think of is this is where we fell in love. When we brought our oldest to college and walking around Kenmore Square, Fenway Park, Fanuel hall it brought back bittersweet memories. Memories of the fun we had there although we didn't have money. I remember celebrating one of our anniversaries at that fancy French restaurant and we spent like 50 dollars and after the meal we went to MacDonalds because we were still hungry. I had always hoped we would share our love story with our kids together.
On our wedding day back in October was one of the happiest days of my life. I remember being so scared until I saw you waiting for me at the front of the church. I meant every word I said that day in front of our friends and family. That day we become one. You became the most important person in my life. You are still the most important person in my life. I remember the fear we had when we first found out I came down with chicken pox in the first trimester of my first pregnancy. Then the joy we had when our beautiful baby girl was born with all her fingers and toes. Each of the births of our children were very special moments we shared. Thank-you for giving me our beautiful children, we have been blessed.
I want you to know that I have loved you all through our marriage and I still love you. And I am so sorry for my contribution in the hard times. If I could go back in time I would erase all the times I made you feel I didn't love you. I can't go back in time neither one of us can. The only thing we can do is look to the future and leave the past in the past. I want you to know that I am willing to leave recent events in the past... willing to work on our marriage. I believe that working together we could have a marriage we could only dream of. I want to look to our future together... one we always dreamed of. When I look at you I still see the man I love and cherish. I see a man that I was always proud to call my husband and father to my children. It hurts to see you and know I can't touch you or hug you. I miss your touch, I miss your laugh, I miss seeing the light in your eyes.
I do not want this divorce, but you have made it very clear this is what you want. I still pray that you may change your mind and come back and make our family whole again. There is nothing that would make me happier. This is a ride I never wished to be on... on that I wish I could get off. But that is not the case... I'm here if you ever change your mind. I'm now going to put the pieces of my life together I had always hoped that you would be a part of it. I have to move forward and begin to heal for the sake of myself and our children. I wish I could stop you from going down the path you are going down but realize you are the only one that can do that.
I love you enough to let you go, this is the hardest thing to say. I know the road in front of me won't be easy., but I am getting stronger and will make it. I have the love of my children, family and friends. And maybe someday I may even find love again... I would love for that to be with you but realize that will not probably be the case. Always know that you will always hold a big piece of my heart. I wish you the best and hope you find the happiness you are searching for. There is a song that Martina Mcbride sings now about how we can love someone with all our heart and they can chose to walk away ...love them anyway. I'm loving you anyway.

All my love,
Di

Another sleepless night. I hate sleeping alone. Why can't I just get this out of my head?

Still

Because you are hurting. The letter is beautiful and yes, I feel your pain through your thoughts.

Keep the letter for now. You will know when to send it.

It is a stage you are passing through. The anger phase hasn't hit you yet....it will. Be prepared.

take care,
L.

Orchid,

Is it possible to jump back and forth between the stages of grief?? When this all first happened I was numb then very angry. Now I'm just so sad.
After I got off here I did somethigng I never thought I would do I called him at 4am then changed my mind.
He called back 5 munites later to asked if I called and I said yes I'm having a really abd night.
He said nothing I can do about it. I said I eish he could then he said goodnight and hung up. I balled. I really need to be stronger. I know I keep saying it but I don't want to go that low again.

Still

Oh, sweetie, don't call him anymore. He's lost right now. He will not help you. I KNOW your pain.

If you have trouble in the middle of the night, don't call him. I can give you my number if you need to call someone. Let me know. okay.

The stages of grief aren't linear. You will pass in and out of all of the phases at one point or another, depending on what you have dealt with up to that point.

I will try to get caught up on your posts and talk to you. Let me know about the phone number. I will post it for you. Hang in there, it gets better, but the less contact you have with him the better for YOU. Trust that.

SL,

I know it was a pitiful thing to call him. I miss having someone there so much. I appreciate the offer of the phone number and I may take you up on that. I never thought I would do something like that. I do lay awake at night and think about it but have had enough control not to do it.
When he was still home I would wake him up and he would talk to me and usually hold me, that is until this 2nd A came out in the open.
Just got back from the doctors and had my meds adjusted... trying to get it so I can sleep at night. I'm feeling at the end of my rope right now. Starting thinking about going away but realise that's not the answer. Luckily I have an appt with my IC in a couple of hours.
I wish I could just get my emotions under control.
Still

Sorry for your pain. I've been there...

one thing I read about, was someone suggesting that when you feel like you need affection and a hug, and there's no-one around who could share with you... hug yourself instead. Sounds silly, but give it a try if you need it.

About sleeping alone... you might try either getting a teddy bear, or a big "bolster" to sleep next to.
I havent tried the teddy bear thing myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> but I hear some women like teddy bears to keep them company.
whereas bolsters are something you can hold on to, if it helps to grab onto something big to sleep next to.

Thanks Techie,

I do sleep with like 6 pillows all wrapped around me and hug one also. It helps but not quite the same as a breathing person.
The hugging yourself doesn't sound silly.... actuallly it's a very good idea. I really need to pat myself on the back more often.

Not quite sure what a bolster is. I also could use my teddy bear. Although it was my first christmas present from WH.

Still

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

a bolster, is what you might call an obnoxiously long/large pillow. Some people call it a "body pillow". it's actually almost the length of an average person, and is about as thick as a "small person"'s waist. And often round, not flat like a normal pillow.

Traditionally, it goes under your regular pillow. but it's also good to lean against as you sleep, if you are not blessed with a live warm-blooded person in that capacity.

I think it's best to not get used to it. If you used it all the time, it might actually make you miss the "real thing" more. but for those times when you really need it, it might be an option that works for you.