Still:
Only have a few minutes...I really need to get to bed. People told me to be VERY, VERY CRYSTAL clear about my "conditions." No contact of any kind, for life, and a willingness to work on creating a new marriage that is fulfilling for both of you.

Maybe bullet it? Make them a separate paragraph?

I would not reference the D. This is about what you WANT, not what you DON'T want. Not that you are willing to work, but that you WILL work...not that you thought he would be a part of your life, but that you WANT him to be a part.

It's the divorce paragraph and the one following it that give me the most trouble. I think a PBL should be positive. Confident. Open. Loving. An invitation home. A beacon, a road-map. Those two paragraphs describe another outcome....know what I mean?

I'm not being clear...

Sorry...I wish I could help more.

Thanks LilSis,

I'll review more in am... I also need to go to bed.

Still

SH - I think it is a little long. I would shorten it up a bit. WS's are notorious for short attention spans.

Believer,

Thanks it is really hard to know what to take out. What do you think about mentioning the divorvce?

LilSis in some ways I don't think I should leave out the divorce I'm letting him know it's not what I want... and I want him to know I'm not going to be waiting around forever. I'll thnk about that though. I so confused.

Have to get ready to go to work.

Would love other opinions.

Still

still

i'm busy with my classwork but it's due friday

after that, i'll take another look at your letter

i did notice grammatical mistakes

can't help it! it's the teacher in me!

Eve,

You made me laugh... English and Grammar (sp) were my worst subjects. My DD's are correcting me all the time. It must be that catholac school up bringing.

I was more into science and math.

I would love if you did that. thank-you.

By the way good luck on your paper.

Still

Just a thought...with your new found knowledge...or the knowledge that you WILL gain...Do you feel that a PBL will help?

Give it some thought...

Supporting you in all your choices!

(((Still)))

Rin,

It's something I need to think about. I still love him very much. And last night when I went to bed I thought maybe it was me that started this. I really need to read the book.

If I don't do the PBL I will probably send the original I had just like a last love letter and I'm letting him go. I'm confused to say the least.

Need to get to work...I'll check in on you later.

Still

Just wanted to let you know that I understand how tough this is for you.

being confused is a big part of the effects...I think that you are moving in the right direction regardless of what you chose to do...

try to do something for yourself today...don't forget your self care!

Standing by your side!

Rin,

I appreciate that your there for me. I am confused. I see him and I think I still love him.

When he picked up DS tonight he actually picked up supper for us on the way home. I tried not to really look at him because today I have been feeling stronger and I didn't want seeing him to bring me down again.

I didn't get a chance to pick up the book .. I'm going to get it tomorrow after I go to the gym. I haven't been to the gym in about a month.

The more I think of it he was abusive to all of us. I need to keep reminding myself that our house is so much more peaceful now. Although he wasn't always like that.

I got an interesting call from a friend of a friend tonight ... need to call her back. She is going through the same thing right now and asked if I wanted to go out sometime.

Still

Is the song "Anyway", or "Do it anyway"?

Didnt find a song by her named "always", but "anyway" seemed to match.

that could be the theme song for BS's i think.

Oopps typo yes the song is Anyways by Martina McBride,

A really pretty song.

Always is what we have inscribed inside our wedding bands.
Yes I agree it can be the song for BS. My co-workers told me when they first heard the song they thought of me.

Still

Going out for coffee tomorrow morning with a fellow BS,(or should I say in a couple of hours) the one that called me tonight. We talked for almost 2 hours.

Compared the comments our WH had told us... all the same stuff.

Mentioned to her about this site.... I'll show her more info.

It's funny we don't even know what each other looks like... it'll be imteresting if we can pick each other out. Maybe we all have the BS look.

She knows my WH, she use to get her RXs filled at his store when he worked locally. Told me she saw him at the last HS hockey game and if she had gone by him she wanted to say something to him about what he's doing. I told her next time feel free too.

Still

Still,

It's a beautiful letter but I don't see much plan B effort in it.


Here's a few questions to ponder:

1. What do you think the WS' reaction will be if he read it?
2. What do you think your H's reaction w/b if he read it?

Write to the correct audience, not for you.

If you give this letter, make sure your H is the recipient and not the WS.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,

Maybe I'm not understanding the Plan B effort part. I have written about not being friends and no contact. Could you give me ideas ? Maybe I'm just being dense here, I don't know.

I guess I'm writing it for both WH and H.

Wh reactions probablt will be great she 's not going to go along with my plan of everything being hunky dory. Also it could be indifference.

If my H read it (and hopefully some will snk in to him) I think he would be crushed, maybe it would be awake up call.

What I'm hoping and praying for is that the little bit of H that is there remembers it and every once in a while looks back at it.

Does that make any sense.

Still

Hey guys,

Something just popped in my head.... I was thinking maybe putting just my wedding bad in with my plan B letter. Or do you think that is more in the mode of FU?

Keeping my engagement ring... going to trade that in for a right hand diamond....

If we ever do get back together I want something that isn't tainted.

Still

Still,

Plan B per Dr Harley:

In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan.....

Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B......

So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

NOTE: These are excerpts from: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Best to read it in it's entirety.

Remember the objective here, you want to send a message of hope to your H but also set the boundaries for the WS. Some reminders of happier times is good but too much will be overwhelming to a WS who is desperately trying to forget his past to make the A appear to be attractive. There is an inner conflict going on between your H and the WS all inside of him and that is your key.

Another point is attention span. A WS has a very short attention span so keep the letter brief.

This means, the ring thing won't matter either way to the WS so do what you want for you.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,

Thanks... okay see if I get this. I should take out some of the history stuff? Maybe early history?

Do you think I didn't come across as having any hope for our future relationship. It almost seems like such a fine line to encourage hope but not seem like I'll always be there so take as long as you need.

Do I need to make my boundries stronger... I mentioned no other woman ever. That I have a plan to make this work. Should I add that when you realise your mistakes and wish to work on them , or prove to me that I;m the only one for you. This is where I get confused. I know I'll add that we have to go to some type of MC and work on the things we both have done wrong.

The absolutely no contact thing will be hard until early April we have a court date about CS and financial stuff. That's why I said after no contact.

I think the ring may hit him hard... then again I gave them back to him and told him when he was ready to work on our marriage to give them back. I had to ask for them back in May... so maybe that won't mean a thing.

Thanks again,

Still

Keep it short and firm..... You do need to ID your boundaries. That's the main gist of plan B.

History is good but remember his attention span. Make each letter count. I would give brief history and make him wonder about the future. Something like:

We had many happy memories and our times of trial were rewarded with many blessings. The birth of our children and their childhood will always be a intertwined in our lives. I will forever cherish those special times.

Because I have such great love for you as my H and our family, I must take decisive action and let you know that except for these items: ____________, ______________, ____________ (list them), I must cut all contact with you. Right now your persona is not that of the husband and father that once was a part of this family. We do not recognize your current character and it scares us to know you have taken steps to hurt us emotionally, financially, mentally, (name them all).

Please let my H know we love him and would want to see him return to be a valuable part of our family again. Until then, consider this as your notice that future contact will be handled by: (name the 3rd party, e-mail, text message, whatever form you decided to use).

Sincerely,
Your wife and family

Well you need to put it in your own words so he knows your style. You don't want to stroll down memory lane with a WS. They don't have a memory. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Yet your H does so send enough of a message (a flicker of light) so he knows you still want him back but NOT the WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

Thanks..

Sometimes I wonder if I'm writing the letter for me? It's just hard to cut anything out.... I'll try again.

Right now this is the only hope I have... it's my last act of saving my M so I want it to be just right.

Got to go to DS swim meet.

Still