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Plan B is not about restoring hope in your M. It is a survival technique.
Just so you know many a plan B letter start out as yours did. It is easy to make the letter about how we would want it written to us but in reality we have to consider the audience it is being sent to. That changes the tone and content tremendously.
L.
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Plan B is not about restoring hope in your M. It is a survival technique. AMEN SISTAHHH!!!! You are so right! Still, You will do the right thing when you are ready to survive! K
_____________
FBS - 2001 or so
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if you still wish a smaller plan B letter.. perhaps start from a really really small version, and expand a teenie bit from there. I'll play the mean editor and slash it, so you don't have to <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> It's a "rough cut", you should probably tweak to put it in your "own voice", but hopefully, this'll help a bit. I'm not an expert on plan B letters, but I'll give you a male perspective, at least. (and from a male perspective, I think there should be more on the "concrete plan for recovery" that Orchid nicely quoted from the Harley article, if it isnt clear to him, that you have a way to 'address all the underlying issues' you two have had leading up to the affair.). but anyways... Dear Michael,
Writing this letter is the most difficult thing I have ever done, but in doing so is my only hope of preserving my love for you and keeping my heart from breaking.
I want you to know that I have loved you all through our marriage and I still love you. And I am so sorry for my contribution in the hard times. I believe that working together we could have a marriage we could only dream of before. There is a way we could do this and I would like to share it with you. I want to look to our future together... one we always dreamed of. You know I have changed, you mentioned you have seen changes in me. I'm still working on those changes and I'm not always perfect.
I do not want this divorce, but you have made it very clear this is what you want. I still pray that you may change your mind and come back and make our family whole again. If that is ever a choice you decide to make, Mark's wife Sienna would have to be completely out of the picture ...forever. I cannot accept any other woman in my marriage or relationship, there is only room in a marriage for 2 people.
It is heartbreaking to have contact with knowing that you are with Mark's wife. My heart is ripped out each time bringing me back to the day I discovered the affair...it is getting to difficult for me. I will never keep your children from you...but at this time I need to break off contact.
I have to move forward and begin to heal for the sake of myself and our children.
Please only contact me through e-mail with issues pertaining to our children or finances until everything is cleared up. After that only contact me if you wish to talk about "us" and working to bring our relationship back together and Sienna is completely out of the picture. I would love for you to come home... you know the way.
I don't want to do this but I love you enough to " let you go". Please know that this is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do... trying to untangle you from my heart. I would love for that to be with you but realize that may not be the case.
There is a song that Martina Mcbride sings now "Always" that says"you can love someone with all your heart for all the right reasons and in a moment they can choose to walk away ...love em anyway. I'm loving you anyway.
All my love,
Di (hmm. not quite so small after all. but at least smallER <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> trimmed out a paragraph more...)
Last edited by techie; 03/16/07 04:25 PM.
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Techi.
I think you haebnailed it.... I like it.
Thank you so much. I need a male perspective.
Because even throu all this shet I still love him and long for him.
I really like your letter.
Thank-you so much
Still
BW me 46
WH 46
Together 28 years married 23
3 Kids DD20, DD17 and DS 14
DD #1 (1st A) 10/13/01 with single OW who was co-worker
DD#2 1/23/02 phone call from OW
WH left job 4/02
MC 10/01 to 4/02 (when he showed up)
Separated 7/04 to 10/04
Retrouvaille 9/04
Red Flags 11/05
DD#1 (2nd affair) 8/16/06 with MOW age 29 twice married and he's her boss.
Moved out (him) weekend after labor day
23rd anniversary 10/7/07
Filed 10/18/06 still seeing MOW
Dropped divorce complaint 6/7/07
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I got a call from WH after son's swim meet.. he was hurt nobody called him about the hockey auction... even thou his friends were selling tickets, I really felt bad for him for about 30 seconds. This is what his A has brought about.
Is she worth it?
I guess it really suxs cheating on your W because people will turn you away.
Still
BW me 46
WH 46
Together 28 years married 23
3 Kids DD20, DD17 and DS 14
DD #1 (1st A) 10/13/01 with single OW who was co-worker
DD#2 1/23/02 phone call from OW
WH left job 4/02
MC 10/01 to 4/02 (when he showed up)
Separated 7/04 to 10/04
Retrouvaille 9/04
Red Flags 11/05
DD#1 (2nd affair) 8/16/06 with MOW age 29 twice married and he's her boss.
Moved out (him) weekend after labor day
23rd anniversary 10/7/07
Filed 10/18/06 still seeing MOW
Dropped divorce complaint 6/7/07
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Does anyone interpert dreams???
Woke up very anxious this morning. Dreamt WH had brought MOW around all my kids and no one let me know. They had done "family" things together. Told me even that MOW slept over the nights that my DS was there...the pain I felt was the same pain I felt after finding out about the affair...betryal from both WH and DS. I got angry and told him he promised not to bring her around our kids until after the divorce.
WH then tells me that we can work out exchanging the kids( Hers and OURS) so that they can always be together. I told him would be a cold day in he!! before I would look after her kids.
When I asked my son why he didn't tell me he said it wasn't a big deal. I told him I had asked and why didi he lie to me... no answer there.
Then I had my confrontation with MOW... and let her know what I thought of her... some name calling etc and her kids were there. Funny though MOW in my dreamwas blonde and not brunette like she is in real life.
Then WH trying to talk to me and I'm just not answering and ignoring him and he finally leaves in a big winabago with my kids , MOW and her kidswaving goodbyr to me.
Then my friends start getting e-mails from MOW asking to save this date Oct 6, 2007 (our wedding A is the 7th) that her and my WH were getting M and signed it Love and all thier names (my kids included). A picture of them all was also included. My friends were going to shread it because they didn't want me to see it... I told them to save it so I could show my attorney to prove he didn't keep his word about keeping my kids away from MOW.
I looked on the calender and Oct 6th is on a Saturday this year!!!!
Told my IC about it this morining she wasn't quite sure what to think. Also thought about telling WH about my nightmare adn use it as a leadway into asking if he has brought MOW around our DS.
Would love some opinions on this.
Still
Last edited by stillhurting01; 03/17/07 11:16 AM.
BW me 46
WH 46
Together 28 years married 23
3 Kids DD20, DD17 and DS 14
DD #1 (1st A) 10/13/01 with single OW who was co-worker
DD#2 1/23/02 phone call from OW
WH left job 4/02
MC 10/01 to 4/02 (when he showed up)
Separated 7/04 to 10/04
Retrouvaille 9/04
Red Flags 11/05
DD#1 (2nd affair) 8/16/06 with MOW age 29 twice married and he's her boss.
Moved out (him) weekend after labor day
23rd anniversary 10/7/07
Filed 10/18/06 still seeing MOW
Dropped divorce complaint 6/7/07
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I guess no one out there to interpert dreams.
Couldn't change the title of my thread.
I have my letter all ready.... I added something in from Love Must Be Tough. And I'm limiting contact to e-mail or text messaging. Have to look co-operative to the courts. I actually losing any hope I have of my M working out.
So I gues I'm doing a semi Plan B. I know that's not exactly how I should do it but I have to do what's best for my situation.
Now I just have to figure out when to give it to him.
So I guess I will be a plan Ber with modifications. I still think it will help me in the end. And that's who I have to focus on not WH and her.
Still
BW me 46
WH 46
Together 28 years married 23
3 Kids DD20, DD17 and DS 14
DD #1 (1st A) 10/13/01 with single OW who was co-worker
DD#2 1/23/02 phone call from OW
WH left job 4/02
MC 10/01 to 4/02 (when he showed up)
Separated 7/04 to 10/04
Retrouvaille 9/04
Red Flags 11/05
DD#1 (2nd affair) 8/16/06 with MOW age 29 twice married and he's her boss.
Moved out (him) weekend after labor day
23rd anniversary 10/7/07
Filed 10/18/06 still seeing MOW
Dropped divorce complaint 6/7/07
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The dream simply says you have anxiety about being replaced, including in the lives of your children. It's a warning to you that your self-esteem is in need of a healthy workout and pampering.
What can you do to build your confidence that you are a great mom and wife, but before any of those roles, that you are genuinely a wonderful person?
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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hey still
so you've finalized your letter?
and you decided not to go to plan b?
what's the plan then?
does your letter say?
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Kayla,
That does make perfect sense. I know I'm a great mom. But i also don't want to share my children with another woman. I'm their mother.
And I also don't want to be replaced in my WH life, but I already have been.
What about the date being so close to our wedding date?
Eve,
How have you been. I am going to do a modified plan B. I don't want to see or talk to him. We still have the kids and finances so at least if this is settled by e-mail or TM I don't have to hear his voice.
Even tonight just hearing his voice and his laugh at my DS hockey game it tugs at my heart. I didn't say to much to him.. he came over to tell me that our oldest DD called from Paris. I talked to her yesterday.
I blended Love must be tough with Plan B... used some of your suggestions also. So my plan is to let him know I still love him that at least for the time being I am open to reconciliation. That the HO has to be out of the picture as any other third party. That I have a plan for recovery that I would like to share with him.
That at this point it is to difficult seeing him ... that I can't force him to stay married just like I couldn't force him to marry me. That after some intense self evaluation I realized I was trying to hold on to him which I can't do.
Why does it have to hurt so much. I don't now if it going to work out the way I want. But I wouldn't know that with Plan B either. Maybe I'm going into PLan ME.
I still really love him... but feel I'm wasting love on someone who doesn't want it... and he really doesn't deserve it.
Still
BW me 46
WH 46
Together 28 years married 23
3 Kids DD20, DD17 and DS 14
DD #1 (1st A) 10/13/01 with single OW who was co-worker
DD#2 1/23/02 phone call from OW
WH left job 4/02
MC 10/01 to 4/02 (when he showed up)
Separated 7/04 to 10/04
Retrouvaille 9/04
Red Flags 11/05
DD#1 (2nd affair) 8/16/06 with MOW age 29 twice married and he's her boss.
Moved out (him) weekend after labor day
23rd anniversary 10/7/07
Filed 10/18/06 still seeing MOW
Dropped divorce complaint 6/7/07
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still
it hit me this weekend
they are living thier lives
everyday
not wasting a second
they aren't thinking about us....wondering about us....thier hopes and prayers don't include us anymore
we are thier past
they are planning new futures without us
they have a PLAN for thenmselves and we're not part of it
we haven't been for some time
maybe the people who restore their marriges are those who'se WS never really let them go
i don't know what you think about yours but mine has
he probably doesn't even think about me anymore
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If WH thinks of me in any good terms he certainly isn't going to let me know about it. He does let me know when he thinks I have screwed up.
Right now his life is as up in the air as mine is... he only has the camp until mid May, after that the price will quadruple. So he hasn't a place to go after that. And I really can't see him moving in with her. I mean he still is laying low with the people in our town. I'm not sure if they are completely out in the open at work.
Eve, I have come to the realization that I need to begin living my life like he is not coming back. He certainly is.
I'm ready for love.... it's been so long since I've had someone love me. I just can't wait for him forever. Maybe I really am getting ready to let go.
I'm actually thinking about other men right now. I kind of look around and checking for rings. I know to early but I'm just looking. I know my boundries.
There has to be some one out there who would like a middle aged lady to love. What I'm afraid of is that if I do move on that's when he will come back.
I don't know tonight I'm confused about what I really want.
But as I said I have to be in Plan me... I have to build up my self esteem and confidence. And the only way I can do that is having as little contact with WH as possible.
Maybe you're feeling the same way... it's time to move on. It's a tough decision isn't it. But how long are we suppose to wait?
Still
BW me 46
WH 46
Together 28 years married 23
3 Kids DD20, DD17 and DS 14
DD #1 (1st A) 10/13/01 with single OW who was co-worker
DD#2 1/23/02 phone call from OW
WH left job 4/02
MC 10/01 to 4/02 (when he showed up)
Separated 7/04 to 10/04
Retrouvaille 9/04
Red Flags 11/05
DD#1 (2nd affair) 8/16/06 with MOW age 29 twice married and he's her boss.
Moved out (him) weekend after labor day
23rd anniversary 10/7/07
Filed 10/18/06 still seeing MOW
Dropped divorce complaint 6/7/07
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{{{Still}}} Slow down, breath, be "Still". There is "moving on" and then there is "moving on". You love your husband, as I love mine. The person they are right now is not our H. They are the WS. Maybe H will come back, maybe he won't. However, moving on is not YET looking for another love. We BOTH have a long, long way before we are ready for that. Don't get me wrong,,,, feeling like we are 'worthy' of love is a HUGE need for us right now. But, being involved in any way with someone else right now would only make things worse. Until we fully deal and come to terms with what has happened to us,,,,we would only hurt ourselves and maybe someone else and we can not do that. That being said, now IS the time to take care of YOURSELF in every other way possible. Healing, treating, relaxing, enjoying life for YOU is important. We have to learn to look within ourselves for our own happiness. You and I both deserve HAPPY, JOYFUL, BLESSED lives and we can/will have them. No matter what our WS chooses to do or not. Please, BELIEVE in YOURSELF. God loves you. TONS of folks here and at home love you! We recognize your beautiful gifts, loving, giving heart and soul. Be Still! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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Bugs,
I know I'm not ready to date.... just kind of day dreamin. It just suxs how lonely I feel a lot of times.
It seems I have been on this merry go round since the first A. And I'm starting to get dizzy. Myabe that's why I feel sometimes I'm ready.
Right now what I want most in the world is for my H to come back. And in the meantime I'm working on me.
Love you for your concern.
Still
BW me 46
WH 46
Together 28 years married 23
3 Kids DD20, DD17 and DS 14
DD #1 (1st A) 10/13/01 with single OW who was co-worker
DD#2 1/23/02 phone call from OW
WH left job 4/02
MC 10/01 to 4/02 (when he showed up)
Separated 7/04 to 10/04
Retrouvaille 9/04
Red Flags 11/05
DD#1 (2nd affair) 8/16/06 with MOW age 29 twice married and he's her boss.
Moved out (him) weekend after labor day
23rd anniversary 10/7/07
Filed 10/18/06 still seeing MOW
Dropped divorce complaint 6/7/07
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Morning Still...
I was in the bookstore this weekend and I read part of the book that you got...I hope that it was informative for you...I didn't really like that one...I think the one that you ordered may be more helpful, IMO...
So, how was it for you?
I think that your dream was just a result of your anxieties.
Hope you have a good one!
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Still, Good morning! It's a brand new day and it's going to be a GOOD one! I understand the day dreaming part of what we are going through. Usually, I daydream about WS coming back,,,,,as I am sure you do. I, too, daydream about what it would be like to have someone "new" to really love me, without all of this hurt and baggage! Today, pick one thing to do for yourself. Even if it's something as small as buying your favorite, sinful candy or dessert! Any little pick me up. I am going to tan today and later going to see my chiropractor! whoohoo! I'm such the crazy party girl! I hope maybe the chiropractic adjustment will straighten me out emotionally and meantally as well as physically! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Have a GREAT day!
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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still
what's the difference between the plan you have and plan B?
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Rin,
Thanks for checking in om me. You know I'm not really impressed with the book either. I think the one I ordered that you have read will be more helpful'
I went to an Alanon meeting tonight with the woman I had coffe with on Friday. Very small meeting. Half way through I just couldn't stop crying. I felt a little weird because I really do not have alcholism in my family. But I will go back because I think it might make me stronger. I havn't cried for 4 days until tonight.
Bugs
Thanks for the good morning. Yes I felt much better this morning. Still would like some physical touch but I'll get over it.
I did do something for me today at work I had Chocolate tapioca my favorite.
Yumm..
Eve,
There really isn't much difference in my plan except it won't be as dark as the others. And I'm thinking about putting my wedding band in (it's just a plain gold band) with a quick note... you gave this to me on our wedding day I guess noe that you want a D I'm giving back. Probably bot.
Speaking of wedding bands... do you still wear yours?
Still
BW me 46
WH 46
Together 28 years married 23
3 Kids DD20, DD17 and DS 14
DD #1 (1st A) 10/13/01 with single OW who was co-worker
DD#2 1/23/02 phone call from OW
WH left job 4/02
MC 10/01 to 4/02 (when he showed up)
Separated 7/04 to 10/04
Retrouvaille 9/04
Red Flags 11/05
DD#1 (2nd affair) 8/16/06 with MOW age 29 twice married and he's her boss.
Moved out (him) weekend after labor day
23rd anniversary 10/7/07
Filed 10/18/06 still seeing MOW
Dropped divorce complaint 6/7/07
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Posts: 4,138
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yes i do still wear my rings
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I put my rings back on at the end of January. I remember I took it off the first time I noticed he had taken off his ring.... you know writing that was a jab in my heart. It kills me every time I see his left hand and his ring is gone. You almost can't tell there was one ever there.
Had to remove my rings today for work... haven't put them back on yet. I miss them.
I wish I could make up my mind. When this all first happened I went to a local jewelry store and pick out a right handed diamond ring. My girls don't want my engagement ring it's tainted now. The thing is I love my diamond. It's really very simple and it was all we could afford at the time.
This back and forth thing is for the birds... want to move on.... want him back. When does the picture get clearer.
Still
BW me 46
WH 46
Together 28 years married 23
3 Kids DD20, DD17 and DS 14
DD #1 (1st A) 10/13/01 with single OW who was co-worker
DD#2 1/23/02 phone call from OW
WH left job 4/02
MC 10/01 to 4/02 (when he showed up)
Separated 7/04 to 10/04
Retrouvaille 9/04
Red Flags 11/05
DD#1 (2nd affair) 8/16/06 with MOW age 29 twice married and he's her boss.
Moved out (him) weekend after labor day
23rd anniversary 10/7/07
Filed 10/18/06 still seeing MOW
Dropped divorce complaint 6/7/07
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