I thought I replied but seems to have disappeared...

No, he won't quit- professional manager job in big company, in small town so no comparable jobs around. Has had it for just over a year and we just moved to this state. Is on the fence about the town in general. If he was single would probably quit since small town. No chance of quitting and us moving together at this point. We are not married. Been together 13 yrs. Lived together for 11. I know Dr. Harley's thoughts on living together but can't change the past. Plus he says after 8 yrs. of living together chance of divorce if marry = same as not living together.

Are his no emotions part of getting over the excitement he had of new romantic love, and confusion as to what he did? And I just am supposed to be patient? Or is it a direct message that there is no hope, in his mind?
I ask him but, he says he doesn't know. No message he says. He just doesn't know.

So, frustrating!
blind_hope

Blind_hope, the Affair World (a thread written by Plank from the BH perspective and added to by me from the FWW perspective - no connection between us - just a good opportunity to show both sides) has just been bumped on the Recovery board.

You may find it helpful to read.

BTW, yes, my H was patient against what seemed like insurmountable odds for a long, long time and it paid off for both of us. My A was in 2003, it's now 2007 and my H and I are still very much together, happy and love each other.

Blindhope,

If your H is still in contact with the OW then he is still a WH.

This is near absolute and holds true in every case that I’ve ever seen presented on MB, much to the frustration of many of the BS’s that tried to rationalize the two infidels still working together.

If there is further contact then there will not be recovery.

Harley is adamant about this.

I have heard of ONE exception to this rule out of thousands.

With those odds staring you in the face, I’d recommend that you follow the MB program and do whatever it takes to get your H separated from the OW. If this takes exposure at the company, then that’s what it takes.

Do NOT believe that the A is over because your H tells you it is over. This is a big time rookie mistake that also has really poor chances of being true.

Most WS’s that are found out simply go underground in a really big way.

You said [color:"blue"]” I tell him unless we do something to restore love, we won't feel it. That it is a vicious circle and right now we have barriers and habits that don't support feeling love.”[/color]

Ahh, I see opportunity here to MB principles. Someone is going to have to be the leader in your relationship and step up to the plate first. Why can’t that be you?

No lovebusting, fulfill his top three EN’s daily then expand down the list to the rest, be open and transparent and work on building intimacy. Sometimes you get more done with your mouth shut and your shoulder on the plow.

I know it won’t be easy, but it will give you hope and he will eventually come around if you are fulfilling his emotional needs.

I hope this helps some.

I was doing really well, not lovebusting. Then, I looked at his phone. FW called her twice for 30 sec. today. Then, I read a text message from her- "I understand why you don't answer the phone but can you at least read my email and respond."
He told me the other day the OW texts him sometimes but he doesn't respond. That she is really angry with him.
I woke him up and asked why he called her- said her daughter was at the gym and he called because she didn't know who was picking her up.
What made me mad is: he said her family didn't belong to gym before that I would never run into OW there. Well, now the kid started taking tennis lessons and the group lesson happens to be right before FWS private lesson. Her ex-husband was picking kid up it turns out.
So, in this small town, I hate thinking at any moment I could walk in some restaurant or store or now the gym and be face to face with HER- whether I am alone or with him.
I got angry and said, the kid survived before you, can't you just not worry about her family. He yelled back- told me to stop looking at his phone, blah, blah.
We had a normal meal at restaurant and went to mall, then he fell asleep on couch. Not a great Friday night but better than it was before I lovebusted.
Not sure I can do this with so many reminders in this town of where they've been and having no place safe (meaning no place where I might not run into her). He hasn't committed to fixing our relationship. Goes to IC, says he has issues that he needs to work on, we were going to JC, but haven't been in 2 weeks. He hasn't bought into "working to restore love", I am trying to be a little more patient but didn't do so well just now.
I want places to be 'ours' and he has spent more time with her in places here than he has with me. We recently moved to VT and were apart prior to A for 6 months, then A started 3 months after I moved here.

7 yrs. ago I posted on this board. I read all the info but we didn't truly implement the habits and protections. So, I am back as the BS again. First time, we were living in separate states due to new job and lost connection. He cheated with someone at work for several months. We moved and things were fine but admittedly not "perfect".
In 2012, my mom had a stroke. He told me repeatedly we would figure it out. She was in another state so I stayed with her while in hospital and rehab and then at home to care for her. I was overwhelmed. She can only walk with assistance, needs someone with her all the time, and can't talk. I was devastated. He took a new job during this that was supposed to be less travel than all the travel he was already doing. He said it would help us get a house in which Mom could also live. He looked at houses so we could move closer to her but I couldn't think straight so didn't join in excitedly. I was dealing with so much with mom just getting home, attempting a live-in aide that didn't work out, then she got seizures, then breast cancer, then radiation and chemo decisions all on a timeline slower than I thought. I kept putting off things like getting more aides to give me time away. I was scared.
I honestly thought he understood and would stay by me as my family. I know I abandoned him and didn't meet his needs. May 2013 he said he wasn't happy. He shuts down and doesn't try to work things out. Next, Mom had a reaction to medicine and didn't eat and threw up every day for 2 months- til Sept. 2014. As it was happening I just didn't have the strength to leave her with strangers for weekends to see him when he wasn't traveling at our house (another state).
In April 2014 I found out he was having a PA with someone he met at a bar in the state he travels 2 weeks out of every month. More time than he is at the house. It started in Sept. 2013 and explains why once I found reliable weekend aides and drove to our house every weekend-our relationship was not improving. He ended the PA. I found out because she messaged me on Facebook saying we should talk! I asked Why- she said don't you think we should. (Why would I want to talk to her????)
I saw email he wrote her professing his love which hurt but having read all the material and knowing I wasn't meeting his needs, it honestly isn't the worst part. Abandoning me when I needed him the most is the worst. If this was all, maybe I could be muddling through and try to be happy with him finally answering my questions about it.
But, I also found communication with the woman from 7 yrs ago! He said she had cancer so contacted him. I knew they talked multiple times but had no idea until just now...saw emails at least a yr. old, chit chat (while he was too busy to return my calls), "send a pic", I will be in area we can catch up, just friends, that she knew something was wrong (referring to me), and a request from her for them to meet before he found someone new, he then admitted he already did. Last email mid-June, said he had alot going on in his life, that he'd see her this summer and go from there.
He'll be home in a few hours from a business trip. I intended to have a nice dinner prepared and hold my questions about this girl til tomorrow (questions I had before I read all this emails). I know he is exhausted but I'm furious and won't be able to contain my questions.

Last weekend, I wrote him a long letter asking if he got what commitment was, that new relationships have no issues, that it's wrong to commiserate about our issues with people with failed relationships and talk to girls that won't send him to talk to me. He seemed to honestly take it to heart, said it was f***ed up and that he needed counseling. When I asked for the answer to "do you get it?, etc" He said he needed to process my 6 pages and wanted a chance to write it. I said I was scared what it would say and he said - don't be.

Part of me says- he sought out people without my problems (mom) and people with time to fill his needs and that this can be overcome. Part of me says it might just all be too much.
Comments? Thank you.

What was your previous screen name on Marriage Builders?

I thought it was the same "blindhope". I tried to retrieve my PW but it didn't work. I even tried with an underscore between the words.
MelodyLane, Am I just being stupid? Should I be in the basement packing my stuff...which is what he wrote to both woman, that there was nothing left between us but that all my stuff was still her. Now, I'm crying

bump

blindhope, there is a very narrow path to recovery. Your marriage can make it if you follow this program. But this will be your future if you don't follow these steps.

Are you willing to follow this program this time? Is your husband?

By the way, your marriage can be saved. I just doubt you and your husband will take the tough steps.

Your old screen name was blind_hope and here is your last thread. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1811410#Post1811410

ok, right here you told us you aren't even married. Are you married? http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=139453&Number=1781396#Post1781396

bump

No, not married but we have lived together for 18 years. The counselors we went to and even Dr. Harley on his radio program told me that we have all the same problems married people. When we went to joint counselling (disaster), he told the counsellor that I was correct in assuming that our relationship was committed and "like a marriage." I left it out because I wanted people's advice on his affairs and my actions, and not comments on how maybe we were never "committed" in the first place. Like I said, we have had that discussion before. Thank you!

BUT, Dr Harley does not treat living together the same as marriages, because it is not the same. They may have some of the same problems, but they are still not the same and he doesn't treat them the same. Nor has your boyfriend had an "affair" because you are not married. There obviously is not a commitment if you aren't married. Have you read his chapter on this subject in Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders? Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?

Yes, I read it.