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_Ace_ Offline OP
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Sorry to nearly turn Sadandpissed's thread into a forum for my problem with exposure to OW H.

I'm reposting my last reply (I hope) in this new thread.

***

Thanks M2L and JGK (and others who may be posting as I write),

Please help me with a strategy but I have no funds to hire a PI to find him. I only know his last name (very common) and region (across the country).

I see how this could help me rebuild my trust regarding this OW but it seems so daunting.

What, when, where, how do I do this? (Also love more insights as to 'why?'...or even 'why not?')

Ace


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Do you know his phone #? His company? His town? You can try looking up his name on www.peoplefinder.com as a starting place. If you have a phone #, you could do a reverse lookup on www.anywho.com


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ok, I have read some more of your posts and think I had some gender confusion here, lol. We are looking for an OW and her H, right?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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_Ace_ Offline OP
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After 3rd D day last summer when WH wrote NC letter from both of us, I asked her to at least confirm she received it even if she did not reply.

She wrote a long apology (I know, probably all lies) and vowed to never contact or respond to WH even if he gets weak and contacts her.

A few weeks later, I even opened up one of his many accounts and sent her a fake email from WH and she replied immediately "No, never contact me again." (When I got prior permission from WH to do this, he said "do whatever will help you heal".)

Had I discovered MB after the first D day, I could have done the right thing then. But our MC said not to waste time on OW or her H, so we did not expose. We did not find SAA until a few months later (Oct). And I did not check out this web site until Christmas break. Glad I did.

How do I find out his first name?

Ace


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How about making this a shout to the Spy Techies out there?

One of them might have a good idea how to attack this.

Give them a little more info to go on.


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Ace, if you have her phone #, you have all you need. All you have to do is disguise your phone # and call and ask for Mr. XYZ. Then tell him the truth. You can also do a reverse lookup with the phone # at www.anywho.com and might be able to get his name and address.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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_Ace_ Offline OP
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I only have an email address.

Thanks for all the input but I'm heading to church now....back in a few.

Ace

Last edited by Ace_in_bucket; 02/08/07 01:26 AM.
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If you look for her name on any of the people finders, you are likely to get his name. That is what I would try.

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Ace:

I'll be Blunt here:

Why do you want to contact OW H now?

Do you believe your H is in NC? Then work on your M.

Some here will tell you you need to contact the OW H so that he knows how awful a person he is married to. Revenge factor in that, for most, but if your H has been in NC, then no reason to.

Why do I say that? Because my BS can contact my OW H at any time. She didn't. And if she did now, (15 months later with NC in place) I most likely would get a phone call from OW. They are getting divorced anyway. So, if OW calls me, just for support, where do we go from there?

Why open that can of worms now?

Exposure is used to break up an ongoing affair. And can be a very nice embarrassment tool after the affair is over to punish the wayward spouse, if used indiscriminately.

Be sure of the reasons behind contacting OW H. Revenge is fun, but may backfire. Ensuring NC? Well that may not require contacting OW. Finding out so that you know who he is so that you can contact him if your H contacts OW, thats a good reason, your ace in the hole.

And say you do talk to OW H. And you have a very good conversation with him. And the OW CALLS YOU later, to tell YOU all the things that your WH may or may not have done with her. How do you guage if she is telling you lies or the truth?

AND you are back to square one. Not square 15, Square one.

This site is about Marriage Building, not revenge.

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LG, you are dead wrong. The status of the affair is irrelevant when it comes to exposure to the BS, they should always be notified regardless. That has nothing to do with "revenge," or "punishment," but with DECENCY. DECENT people alert others when they are being harmed behind their backs.

Ace should have never helped her H hide his dirty secret. She has done so at her own expense. That is not "marriage building," that is marriage EROSION, as we can see with FOUR D-days. This affair most likely would have ended long ago if she had notified the other BS the first time.

She needs to expose to the OWH because he has a right to know. This is information about his life that he has a right and need to KNOW that is being WRONGFULLY withheld from him. He can't very well protect himself from his W and her boyfriend if he doesn't know.

Exposing to the OP's spouse VERY MUCH *IS* Marriage Building, let me assure you. Because honesty is the solution to infidelity, not more lies.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote
Some here will tell you you need to contact the OW H so that he knows how awful a person he is married to. Revenge factor in that, for most, but if your H has been in NC, then no reason to.

Doesn't the OW's H have a right to know WHO he is married to? What if the OW's H does not CHOOSE to be married to an adulteress? Doesn't he have that RIGHT? Shouldn't he have a RIGHT to make his own choice about this? He is not her PET on a leash.

To NOT tell him the truth is cruel and manipulative and DANGEROUS. He needs to PROTECT himself from an adulterous wife and he can't very well do that if he doesn't know the risk. Denying him the truth is keeping him in a marriage based on a LIE.

Last edited by MelodyLane; 01/21/07 12:38 PM.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Some here will tell you you need to contact the OW H so that he knows how awful a person he is married to. Revenge factor in that, for most, but if your H has been in NC, then no reason to.


LG... you give some good advice on these boards.... but there are times like the above quote where it is obvious that as a FWS you really have no idea of the damage caused to a BS. To think that there is no reason that a person that has been betrayed needs to know their spouse was screwing around in pathetic. Frankly, as a FWS.... you either need to figure out this stuff or realize that your opinion is lacking any intergrity and shut up about it as there are people here that will be influenced by your words. Dr. Harley is very clear that the spouse always has a right to know. Decency would dictate that you apologize to this man... even if it is through your wife.

If you and your wife have not informed the OWH that you were screwing around with her... IMHO... you are part of the problem that runs rampant in society today. A lack of integrity and morals is the only thing that would stop you from informing and apologizing to the OWH for what YOU have done.

Last edited by mkeverydaycnt; 01/21/07 12:47 PM.
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Mel:

We are going to have a disagreement here. And I respect your positions. So do not bombard me with rebuttals all weekend.

My point is that you have to be sure of your reasons why you are contacting the OP's S. Considering the circumstances here, I do not recommend it. 5-6 months ago, Yes, expose. Now, No. For the reasons I gave. That is my position.

I hope that Ace makes a choice based upon the relevent factors in her sitch. And you can be very persuasive in your arguments. But Ace was looking for opinions. So, just like you, I gave one.

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LG, I think Ace came here for opinions about Marriage Builders principles. And you have to be sure of your own reasons, which I think have a lot to do with your own situation. I think that ACE should understand that you are a wayward spouse YOURSELF who has not informed his own victim of his affair with her wife, and seemingly feels no remorse about that.

Just be assured that it is not "marriage building," nor is it recommended by Marriage Builders to NOT expose to the victim spouse. It a not smart idea that can be supported rationally. There is just no legitimate reason to help someone hide their filthy affair from their victim. None at all.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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LG, by coincidence, on Friday, someone on the Who's Online board was reading my thread from when my H exposed to the OM's W. I read it again. My H exposed nearly a year after the A was over.

The reasons:

He knew if the OM's W never knew there was always going to be a chance of renewed contact between OM and me. At the time he exposed, my H knew I was back in withdrawal and he wanted to finish things once and for all and start our real recovery.

He wanted her to know what she was up against and wanted to do the decent thing.

I knew he was going to expose, I didn't know when. I WANTED him to expose to help me protect my boundaries even further. Revenge played no part. It was a very, very difficult thing for him to do, drop a bombshell into another person's life.

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LG, rereading your post, I see something else.

You still have the fact that the OW's H doesn't know hanging over you. I detect a slight panic there that it would not be the OW who contacted you but the OW's H.

Also, when my H contacted the OM's W, neither she nor he called my H or me again.

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Mel's Darn right! WHy propegate the lie! You can have TWO SPIES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE...the OMH deserves to know the truth. He can't fight against the enemy (the affair) unless he has the right weapons. Right now he is where you used to be..in the dark and in pain.

Help him please?

It is your duty. Do the right thing. The moral choice. Ignore what a WS would do. Do what will save two families here. And that is deliver the cold hard truth but give hope and steer this man to the right place to help him stand a fighting chance to save his family.

I am sick of seeing people run from the truth b/c it is not easy...or fun...or could make somebody form an opinion of you either good or bad.


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
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I HAD TO LEAVE FOR CHURCH BEFORE I COULD READ ALL OF THESE HELPFUL POINTS. I SAW A NEED FOR A NEW THREAD, MADE IT, LEFT AND NOW I'M BACK. HOPE I CAN CUT AND PASTE THESE SEGMENTS TO MAKE SURE I HAVE THE CORRECT PERSPECTIVE.

M2L WONDERED WHY EXPOSURE TO THE OWH WOULD BE AT THE EXPENSE OF MY FAMILY. I MEANT THAT THE TIME IT TAKES TO HUNT HIM DOWN, MAKE THE CALLS, SEND THE EVIDENCE, AND WORRY ABOUT HIM GETTING ON A PLANE TO BEAT THE #*@# OUT OF MY HUSBAND, ETC. SEEMED TO BE DAUNTING...AND IF HE DID, THAT WOULD AFFECT MY FAMILY.

I THINK THIS FOLLOWING in lowercase IS FROM MELODYLAND, BUT I FORGOT TO DRAG THAT PART. I WILL CHANGE THE GENDER CONFUSION (DUE TO BEING ON SADandPISSED'S THREAD) BUT IF I MISS ONE, SORRY.....LOL

Ace, I am not sure where you got the idea that exposure to the OWH should be delayed but none of the people you named would advocate not telling hIM.

I FOUND THE INFO ON LINKS ATTACHED TO BOB P AND WAT'S POSTS ON 'TELLING THE OP'. NOT GOING TO WASTE TIME IDENTIFYING WHICH ONES. WE OFTEN FIND THINGS TO SUPPORT OUR OWN OPINIONS, WHETHER OR NOT THEY WERE INTENDED THAT WAY.

Not telling hIM is a huge mistake that only harms your position. I assure you they would tell you to expose. NOW. You increase the risk of a resumption by NOT telling hIM [I see you have had 4 D-days which does not surprise me]

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, IT'S ONLY 3! (THE 4TH D-DAY IS A FIGMENT OF MY FEAR AND WHAT DROVE ME TO REGISTER HER AT MB)

There is absolutely no reason, no benefit to NOT exposing to hIM. But there is great benefit for all concerned if you do tell hIM.

I WANTED TO TELL HER HUSBAND WHEN WE FIRST WENT TO MC WHO SAID NO CONTACT WITH EITHER OF THEM BY EITHER OF US. I PROTESTED VEHEMENTLY BUT OUR MARRIAGE COUNSELOR SAID THAT I SHOULD TRUST GOD AND LET HIM TAKE CARE OF THEM..... (BUT YOU CAN PAY ME $150). SORRY FOR THE SAD SARCASM.

This is one of the main reasons that you have experienced MULTIPLE D-days. I don't understand why you promised your H to help hIM hide hIS dirty secret when you must know that secrecy only enables the AFFAIR. Why help hIM ruin your marriage??

I WAS TRYING TO FOLLOW WHAT OUR MC SAID AND THE BOOK HE SUGGESTED WAS "NOT JUST FRIENDS", WHICH HAS NO SPECIFIC CHAPTER ON EXPOSURE TO THE OPS.

HAD I KNOWN ABOUT MB AND PLAN A AND B AND LOVE BANKS ETC. I WOULD HAVE EXPOSED TO AVOID WHAT I SAW AS A POTENTIAL FOR RECONNECTION. AS MENTIONED IN MY ORIGINAL POST, THE FIRST NC VIOLATION HAPPENED LESS THAN 24 HOURS AFTER OUR FIRST MC SESSION.

The OWH should be told by YOU and should be told NOW. Exposure should never be used a THREAT. It should just be done without ANY WARNING. Threatening to expose is a HUGE MISTAKE that only enables the affairees to spin the story in advance and facilitate their secrecy.

"THREATENING" WORKED FOR ME, AT LEAST UNTIL I COULD FIND MB AND DISCOVER OTHER FACTORS INVOLVED! BUT IT'S BEEN AWHILE SO I'M SURE SHE THINKS I WILL BE QUIET....ESPECIALLY IF SHE HAS NOT VIOLATED THE LAST NC.

This is not something that should be left up to the OW, because She is not likely to bust hERself and even if She does, She will tell a SPUN version so He never gets the truth. An OP almost NEVER busts themselves, though.

WHEN MY WH CALLED OW TO TELL HER THEY WERE BUSTED THE FIRST TIME...(SEE MY FIRST THREAD)... SHE WANTED TO CALL ME AND APOLOGIZE PERSONALLY TO ME....BUT WITHIN A WEEK THEY WERE RECONNECTED. (BOTH OF THEM JUSTIFIED IT BY SAYING THAT SINCE THEY WERE NOT DOING THE INTIMATE THING, IT WOULD BE OK.) THIS PATTERN IS WHY I AM HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME REBUILDING MY TRUST. EVEN THOUGH I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT LOVE BANKS, I BEGAN BEING THE WIFE OF MY HUSBAND'S DREAMS AND HE REPEATED TOLD ME THE NICE WONDERFUL THINGS HE IS TELLING ME NOW. BUT NEITHER OF US KNEW ABOUT WITHDRAWAL.....BEFORE THE LAST NC, HE JUST FELT COMPELLED TO BE LIKE A 'DOG WHO RETURNS TO HIS OWN VOMIT'.....THINK I USED A PHRASE OR TWO LIKE THAT...YEAH...I WAS SORTA ANGRY I GUESS.

As far as the OW knowing the "best time" to break this news, I would suggest She is the LEAST qualified to adjudge what is in HER H's best interests. SHe is operating AGAINST hIS best interest, as you know. The rapist isn't qualified to determine what is in the best interest of his victim.

I MUST GET OVER MY GUILT ASSOCIATED WITH MY 'EXPOSURE IS MY ACE IN THE HOLE' THEORY. AS I LOOK AT THAT STATEMENT, I REALIZE THAT THE BENEFITS OF A SWIFT SUDDEN EXPOSURE WILL BE WASTED IF I DWELL ON FEELING GUILTY FOR VIOLATING MY OWN BLACKMAIL THREAT.

The OWH needs to know so He can have the same opportunity to save hIS marriage as you. This is information about hIS life that he has RIGHT to know. He is being actively DECEIVED and harmed behind hIS back. As long as he does not know, he cannot protect hIMself from hIS W and your H.


MY MOTIVATION THEN WAS TO STOP THE POTENTIAL FOR THEM TO CONTINUE THE AFFAIR.

MY MOTIVATION NOW IS TO 1) HELP BUILD MY TRUST IN MY 'TRYING-SO-HARD-TO-BE-A-FORMER-WAYWARD-HUSBAND' AND 2) TO HELP HER AND HER HUSBAND IMPROVE THEIR MARRIAGE USING RH. I DO NOT FEEL ANY DESIRE FOR REVENGE, I HOPE. IF ANYONE SEE'S ANY RRF (REVENGE RED FLAGS) PLEASE EXPOSE THEM TO ME ASAP.


And the biggest reason you should expose to hIM now is because it lessens the risk of resumption of the affair. With 2 people watching from both ends, neither party is as free to pursue the other. And if the OW is working on hER marriage, She is less likely to pursue your HUSBAND.

THE LIGHTBULB WENT OFF WHEN I REALIZED THAT MY TRUST COULD BEGIN GROWING IN MY HUSBAND WHEN THE THREAT OF THE OW'S RENEWED INVOLVEMENT IS REDUCED OR REMOVED. I NOW SEE HOW SWIFT SECRET EXPOSURE WILL ACCOMPLISH THAT, GUILT TRIP OR NOT.

Believe me, the OWH will likely be very grateful that you cared enough to warn hIM. But to not do it, is to help your HUSBAND hide hIS crime at the expense of hIS victim. That would make you an enabler, Ace.

AFTER I FOUND THIS BOARD AND READ ALL THE POSTS JUST AFTER CHRISTMAS, IT SEEMED THAT IT WAS TOO LATE, LIKE LOUSY GOLFER SUGGESTED....SO I DID NOT EVEN CONSIDER IT. I'M SO GLAD Y'ALL SAW MY THOUGHTS TO SandP'd. PLEASE MAKE SURE HE GETS HIS ANSWERS AS I FEEL BAD THAT I MAY HAVE DIVERTED HIS THREAD PREMATURELY.

I APPRECIATE EVERYONE'S HELP! NOW IF I CAN JUST FIND THAT OWH. AMAZING THAT AS I WAS SHARING THESE POSTS ON OUR WAY TO CHURCH, MY HUSBAND SAID HE THOUGHT HE REMEMBERED HER HUSBAND'S FIRST NAME AND THAT THEY HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME, SO AT LEAST I HAVE SOMETHING TO GO ON.

AS CHRISNER SAID......EXPOSURE FORTHCOMING, FILM AT 11.

--------------------
BS - 48 [me]
WS - 46
D-Day 10-2000
Happily recovered!

It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools.
Ecclesiastes 7:5

WAS THIS FROM YOU MEL? THANKS!

ACE...soon to lose my entire bucket!


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
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oOOPS! Hey Mel....Sorry for calling you Melodyland...I think I got confused by the crossed gender references, too.

Ace

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You rock, girlfriend! Be strong and sally forth! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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