OK here is the back ground married 11 months, dated 1 year, engaged 3 more years lived togeather 2 more years, married feb last year will be 7 years now in may in a commited releationship.

About 6 weeks a go W dorped bomb "we shouldn't have ggotten married" after we had a fight over money... and has done revised martial/relationship history...

W has admitted she became addicted to an internet game
I had some suspicianms she was flirting in the game for some time, not hard proof... Recnetly was able to confirm she was having an EA for severial months with an other player in the internet game. From what i have learned it started friendly but got more emotuonal in the past 3-4 months.


With the droping of the bomb we started IC both and MC using my theipist... .

My counsler had me tell FIL (WW confidant) and Confromt the OM, then confront WW...

i told her Dad first including showing him the "proof" then emailed and spoke to OM second. OM didn't know ww was married (had 6 kids nor was 44, though she was 25 and single, (this has been verfied by my snooping) OM was really pissed, he has broken contact and appears to be aiding me (forwarding me her emailes etc). our pastor is in the loop as well as is my family...

Following this I confromted WW... was not pretty...
Big fight much denial, just a game bla bla bla...
ended with her saying it is over... to witch i said then get out she said when school is over she will move so i pushed back and said no Now......

Her 2 kids live with us from her 1st marrage....

She appeared to be looking to escape (form phone records (still snooping) , when she told her EX-H she was looking for a place EX-H said in no uncertain terms she splits this marrage he sues for custody.. Kids need stable life etc.

She then reconsidered and stayed...

We did first MC and she was confronted about the PA, didn't acknowlege it... she said she was 50/50 on making it work, i am all in... She has recently shared with me her IC said the ea was unacceptable conduct... though she is spinning a tail with her IC it appears form what she says... fortunatly my IC and hers are colleges and i have autherized full disclosure to WW IC for the "rest of the story" and this is being done...

Been now walking on egg shells for about 6 weeks. Past few days seem to be thawing out alittle... back sleeping in the same bed but Sex is of the table (her choice)

She appears to have tried to reestablish contcat with OM,
2-3 x but it hasn't appearded to be effective, he is telling me and is avioding her like the plauge...

she shows many of the symptoms I read about "withdralw from the affair" angry, sad, etc etc...

I admit i have probaly made some mistakes not meeting her EN and more so with LB, that may have made the EA more likly but won't give her a pass on it...

She did the worksheets, (EA,LB,rec) and i have ordered several books and dvd (still waiting for them)

I am working hard at elimanting the LB and doing better at meeting her needs... and hoping when things settle down she will come back...

Ok folks what have i missed what more do i do..

It looks like you were fortunate to get an OM who was not a scumbag, and refused to be a scumbag when he found out the truth. Don't trust in him, either, but so far it looks as if he has been above-board.

Keep working at what you have been, keep watching her actions, and meet as many of her needs as you can. I am not a withdrawal expert at all, but I do know you will need patience. It looks like you have a start at R, though.

I posted this on another thread, but it is just an example of what can happen when cyber-interaction gets out of hand. Please copy and paste into your browser as the whole address does not show up as a hyperlink.

www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,245222,00.html

neak,

Watching her like a hawk. All evidance from OM indicate he is above board, her wrote a scathing email telling her he wishes he never met her and that she has a decent H and she need counsling befote TSHTF... we have spoken about 5 times and many emails in fact he has fwd all the emails he has recieved to me on arrival... he has been very forth comming and all indications a decent person...

I am doing as you say or at least trying to... it is very hard hurts, like ****** and well somewhat confusing...
that is why i seek advice here... from who have successfully navagated these water i now find myself in

bump

I was hoping some people could provide some feedback based on their experiences on how quickly i can expect to see some positive effect from my effort.

How long will W be in this withdrawl state getting over the EA?

What do i have in fromt of me...

You should expect withdrawal to last at least as long as the EA. You should also be working on improving your M. Obviously something was missing and you need to get to the bottom of it. After that it will take at least six months, but possibly two years or more to fully recover.

Ecpect slow progress on her end

But that doesn't mean your progress must be slow

At least one month of NC for her to even start recovery

Try to reengage her in life with you

Go out and do the things you did when you first began dating and try to legitimately have fun.

Eventually...this all must be addressed. Don't make the mistake of burying this or it will just happen again.

There are a few great withdrawal and recovery threads around. Search for them. Kiwi's, BobPure's, and Dorry's come to mind.

Also...she may be addicted to on-line gaming and the next OM is just a few inappropriate conversations away. The "fantasy" of the internet may also have a hold on her. Ending it with OM is a must...so is ending her on-line addiction. You need to somehow establish boundaries in your marriage about her computer use. She has demonstrated a weakness that can and has hurt you both. She needs to eventually protect you, her and your marriage from such weakness and NOT on-line game ever again. Don't give in on this thinking it's just a one time thing. The game is as much a problem as OM.

Mr. Wondering

the game addiction is a real possibility... she has even said as much her self...

I will discuss with the counsler about how to address the internet problem... the om is a done deal it appears he didn;t know she was married and ripped her a new one...

JMW i agree, hoping she will work with me on things but need info and feedback... She did the questioniers and i am attempting to address the issues revield by it she is also in IC... but it is hard...

She has stopped all nokkie since i exposed the EA... how long will that last?

It now appears she would like to seperate... but work on the marrage she claims... any ideas?

NO SEPARATION! If she has to have a separation, she moves out and pays for it all by herself, and you don't help her at all. Separation will only allow her to pursue OM again. Do not enable her.

I went through something similiar, ...it seemed like it would never end in my mind, even after it actually ended. I spoke to a great telephone coach ********edit******** that really helped me get my head on straight. I was able to talk to her about what I was feeling, and she would guide me as to how to respond to my husband, because I was also 'on eggshells' all the time. It took several months, but I can breathe again and we are doing well. I wish you the best.

I don't know, lawyer says there is no risk to me, If it lets us both get some rest and relieve the stress so i can detach a tad that would be good, also some phyical stuff to consider, i have lost 45 pounds since thankgiving due to the stress...

I will be like 600 feet away, at moms house and can see my house from there and vice versa...

I asked her for the details, no dating others, work on the marrage, read the books we just recieved from here and listen to the tapes, stay in counsling, I can come and go pretty much as i please for the most part. I don't know if i will be gone full time or maybe just during the week we havn't worked out the details... I see it as very temporary, if in a month or 2 we are not making a recovery then other options will need to be considered...

I am also confused she actuall gave a super hug tears and all when I said pack my bag, Then said you don't have to go right now, stay the weekend... bla bla bla... I don't know what to make of it...

Jim

I guess you missed my first post, so here it goes again:

NO SEPARATION!!!

Understand? You will not fix your problems living apart from your WW. I don't care if you live 600 feet or 600 miles away. Do not move out!! You have a better chance of saving your M if you live together, and your WW has a better chance of having an A if you move out. My WW promised me no dating other people while I foolishly moved out. Guess what? She lied!! Don't ever trust a WW. She might not see OM, but she can talk to him on the phone all the time. That's what my WW did. Hour and two hour long phone calls every day! DON'T MOVE OUT!

Saralee

Now that you've posted 17 times advertising your website on marriage builders could you please STOP. Even after your first post was edited by Justuss for such reason you continued to do it every once in awhile over the last 9 months. This is more than just a coincidence.

NO ADVERTISING ALLOWED - YOU HAVE BEEN REPORTED

Mr. Wondering

ok i am 99% sure the EA is over she has tried to contach him and he is ignoring her... is is a decent guy and didn't knowshe was married...

I am concerned she has a close GF who happenes to be Lesibian... Do i think she is having a pa with her but who can be sure, since women are normally close anyway... her family, office mates etc say she should divorce me... I am the evil husband...


her moving out really isn't an option she dosn't have the money unless she moves in with the GF (lez) but that would likly cost her dearly her Ex said if she tosses this marriage aside he will sue for custody...

I do feel torn and lost... don't know what to do... working hard at elimanating the LB.... but i need sleep too and itis starting to effect my work...

what now?

Stay calm.

She is going to feel like a trapped animal and likely be quite venomous for a few weeks.

Afterall...you ruined her fun (sarcasm)

Let the "separation talk" blow over. It is quite common for a wayward that just lost their lover to speculate "what if I separate and divorce my spouse....maybe THEN the OM/OW will take me back". They view the marriage as the only thing keeping the Other Person (OP) away. They just can't accept that it's over. They will talk separation and she'll complain when you refuse to help her separate but sometimes all you need to say is "NO".

HOWEVER, in spite of this they, more often than not, DON'T follow through with it. They are usually just to depressed, hurt, enraged, pyscho, etc. to do much of anything while withdrawing.

Be still. Follow the do's and don't list I put on Longhorns thread on the Just Found Out board.

Mr. Wondering

Purchase and read Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair". Learn abuot the dynamics of affairs. Learn how affairs are similar to addictions. Some of what we advise here will sound counterintuitive, but most people post based on Harley's philosophy.

You need to slow down and take your time. You have already been granted one of the most important pieces of this puzzle... the OM is over and out. Many people here fight for months, even years, just to remove the OM from the equation.

Your W has basically written you out of her life, for all intents and purposes. With women, they FALL so hard into this fantasy love from which affairs exist upon, they are reluctant to give it up.

She needs time to withdraw (6 weeks to 6 months the norm), and additional time to reattach to you, and fall back in love.

She doesn't "just" do all this through some miracle. You have to be the biggest part of what changes, before she'll give you the time of day... LOL! Nookie is pretty much out of the question for some time, sorry to say! LOL!

Read about Plan A. Plan A is how to make changes in yourself which were not conducive to a healthy marriage. This may take some serious introspection. But it must be done. Your marriage was not strong enough to ward off the opportunity for an affair, and must be made stronger.

Stick around, post, read, learn and try to build a marriage that is "affair resistant".

Best wishes,
SD

already taking a fearless self invantory....

lord knows i made many LB mistakes, and a few rather large mistakes as well, some well meaning, some in desperation that probably made some major love bank withdrawls... Her family had convinced me i should call her doctor and in desperation i did.. i was pretty scared and upset at the time... That really pissed her off... she says i should have told her to make an appointment...

a couple weeks later on the day i confromted the EA-OM and then told her i had (my ic told me too) that lead to a confrontation, she was very pissed ... I didn't exacute a good plan A as I didn't know about that then... I pushed back (verbally ) pretty hard and she said she quit, to which i replyed then get out of my F***ing house. and i mean right now... well she back tracked a bit but i really scared the crap out of her... so she says she said she never seen me look so cold and scary...

she admits to being in withdrawl from reading the luve busters book, I am inbetween intamacy/conflict and trying hard to keep the taker at bay...

she says she loves me and hates me... says she needs space but give me the biggest hug i have had in like a year crys and says she didn't want it this way tlak about mixed signals... I think she is scared and unsure and confused... but that is just a guess

Ok assuming i don't move out what about a night away at moms here and there to so we can both get some rest?
currently we both show physical signs of stress, both arn't sleeping well, look like crap... he GP just up her Paxal (anti-depressents) yesterday from 20mg to 40mg... and is concerned.

I have lost 45 lbs and my GP isn't real happy eather, he is temporarly upping my welbutrin to the max dosage he feels comfortable with... That and the xanax have me hanging on by my fingernails...

I did hear you... I will try to postpone the seperation untill we do our MC tuesday and suggest if fatuege is a problem she sleep with the girls... and lets not be hasty until we get the advice of a professional...

2 nights ago she says she is 75%-25% in favior of ending the marrage, she admitted she was looking for a place in the paper, she said she is afraid this will be like her last marrage... He and are are somewhat similur in many respects, the diffrance I will listen to her opinion if she would only give it... but being a man i don''t do well with hints... i just need it stright out no beating around the bush... Her IC says she enables that behaivior by not setting boundries and voicing her opinion...

I am very willing to Follow the advice in the books from here and would love to make her and our marrage a happy one! I am very willing to make changes.

She probably doesn't have a real option to move unless her Les Friend becomes a roommate... the cash isn't there honestly... at least for a while...

we are reading a chapter in the Love buster book togeather every night now and trying to take it onboard.(well i am anyway) and do what it says... we just got the books wensaday... I am also reviewing the His/her book via audio tape on the drive to work.. and see where got of the path...


well enough for now i will take all the advice i can...

bump keep the guidance comming!