ok crying is done now it time for battle... she indicates she will attempt to reestablish contact internet ea with OM on departure..

will do plan A till monday when she leaves, then I want to switch to plan B and make a black hole look like sunshine

spoke to IC just now she is a mb but knows sonme of the work...

we will discuss more thursday in time we meet before WW come in.

she also thinks going dark might be called for it is time WW respects some boundries...

Ok folks next order of bussiness
meed some help making a rock solid Plan B to deploy on her depature... that means sunday my anaversary...

Hope you are staying calm. One of the favorite ploys of some fogged WS's is sending the BS to the pokey after driving them crazy.

Your wife is just trying to justify her despicable behavior.

Jay can we arrange a meeting in the next couple days? Early evening is best 6-7ish

w is very close to meeting my dsipicable attorney

the love bank is about to close...

I didn't get your email. What else is happening?

sent again to the addy liksted in your profile

Here is the 180 list -

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting, get busy, do things, church, sports, tan,
15. When home with your spouse, be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you’ve had an awakening
and as far as you’re concerned, you’re going to move on with your life.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold, wait to see if spouse notices.
19. No matter what you’re feeling TODAY, only show spouse happiness.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk.
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on other parts of your life).
28. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed
much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of
what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives
because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

how's it going?

well she over heard me and believer phone converstaion and is very pissed (that she was busted) she said now that you know it all... it is over when she leaves she will never see me again and not speak with me... I spoke to her very softly and calmly that if snooping and fighting to save my marrage is a crime, i am guilty... If not giving up on her and us is a sin i have commited it. If wanting to know the truth instead of lies is a problem it is one i perfer...

I said there will be no quick D, i have the paitence of job.
And she should know that the door she walks out if she wants back in just let me know and we will discuss it.

I said things will have to change and she will need to respect my boundries... she talked about control and i said if requiring you not flirt with guys is control i am guilty of it. She said some other things about me flirting with a friend (i hvae never done this knowling) and i said and if you would have told me it bothered you i wouldnt have done them i cant read you mind... she said well i need to vent anger somewhere and i said that is why you have a husband and i need to hear things if they bother you...

she said i was being controling about the game... i said if i was controling i would have firewalled the game so they wouldn't work, but i allways give you free choice to play or to stop.

asked about this weekend she said forget it... said if you change your mind let me know by friday of i will make other plans... i said there is lots of time and nothing that has happened is reason to toss the marrage if we want to make it work...

she got real quite, said a few more hurtful things that was water off this ducks back... i said if you change you mind and want to talk you know where i will be... , i said if you change your mind about the other things you know where i will be... then i kiss her on the forehead and walked away to the bed room...

you were right time to cowboy up! i am in a battle for my marrage and one i intend to WIN!!!!! Thanks believer!
Jim

PS believer and it is said the truth will set you free!

Glad you are doing better. Stay calm, stay in Plan A.

Sorry if talking caused problems. I think she is much more attached than she knows. If she does move, let her go, tell her you wish she wouldn't, but you can't control her choices.

well lets see it has been said the truth will set you free...

she did come to bed and was snuggly and did become intimate... you tell me i cant figure it out...

later she said ger ex told the twins he is going to talk to the judge and have them live with him... things are in motion it appears...

she moves more today (actully move herself in a few days) no need to rush home so off to the gym...

later

Jay toss an email we could do coffie... I am in Sturtevant...

bump

Hey Ken,
Just saw your thread. I am in a Plan A right now possibly headed to recovery, we'll see. I just confronted WW this past weekend after working the Plan A for a couple months...took me a month or two to get the Plan A straight. hard to control those LBs when you are so hurt and raging inside. So stay the course, also try to remember you need to make the changes for yourself, not for the reaction of your WW. You cannot control her actions so if you want her back, lure her, don't drag her. I review these things each morning to make sure I have my game face on for the day:
DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

Ken,
From what I've seen, you're conversation with her yesterday was straight WS script. And I think your responses were pretty darned good.

Stick to them. Don't apologize for the actions you're taking to save your marriage. Don't attack her, but at the same time don't let her browbeat you down. No more crying in front of her...it's DARNED tough to keep from doing that, but trust me, it's better to save that for when you're by yourself.

As far as the controlling part...that's all standard WS script too. If she's ever in a quiet, 'listening' mood, you might be able to explain to her that there's always 'expectations of behavior' in ANY relationship. The only reason it's an issue now is because she's violated the 'unwritten but agreed on' rules of your marriage. But I wouldn't plan on a long conversation about this right now...trying to educate your WS is normally NOT effective.

Hang in there...you've done a lot of the right things from what I've seen.

Keep your emotions under control. Don't lose your temper, don't get clingy, whiney, needy (it's easy to fall into that, I know!). Start doing things that make a better YOU. Get into a gym, resume old hobbies, dress nicer, make sure that you smell nice, etc... These things will have more effect than you realize.

Oh, and don't stop snooping.

well snooping will be greatly impacted when she leaves the home... I don't know how i can maintain much intel after she has gone...

Trying to get the plan A up to speed but things are moving rapidly... Hoping to Hook up with jay for moral support and planning the war stragety will take all the advice from those here as well... maybe jay and I can do some mutial support and cross snooping or something...

My support network is on full alert and standing by
Minister, shrink , sisters, mom, co-workers, boss.. are in the loop.

The rest i am trying hard to implement to the best of my ability... I guess time will tell... Time for game face...

I am basicall saying i won't stop living if you go... Life goes on... You know where I am, you know what I want and need... I am not going nowhere. If you want to come with that is your chioce and you are welcom to join me, when you leave if you want to come back i am open to discuss it...

I am in sturtevant yes let get togeather e-maile me a number and ill call... mis read eailer and thought you were jay...

I would like to meet and have someone who has been there help with my plan a and B and to get through this mine field...

Castlewood??

Check you email

well folks she packed up before i got home and is gone now what?

Ken,

Know that you didn't not cause her to leave, know it was her choice and her decision. You have done a good job at starting your personal journey. What you will see is she will get stuck in a loop, oscolation back and forth, between blame and anger. She will blame you for her actions she will get angery because your not angery.

Do something for yourself, take a ride, go eat with your friends. Go to church.... you are on you own personal journey you don't have the burden of the affair she does. She has the same free will as you to choose and decide what she wants...

All your doing is providing her a path and a way back to you, to someone worth being with. She still can choose not to follow it... its just your going to make it awfully hard because you are becoming a better stronger person.

Its sucks it hurts you want to pound your head against the wall... it gets better over time, there will be ups and downs but your on the path to enlightenment.

Have a good night