I doubt that she will initiate divorce. You are still very early in this. Please get a plan, and start working it. You have talked Plan A and divorce, and you have been here only a month.

Chances are excellent that she will be back, so work on your conditions for that to happen, and whether you want her back or not.

well my current plan is this:

1. To get my lawyer and to protect myself legally, then wait and do nothing. This is providing waiting would not hurt me legely. If / when she moves out of the area, or is about to move out of the area (after school is out) I will file to prevent having the case in another county where my lawyer dosn't work.

2 If /whenI have determained I would not take her back under no circumstances, i will file.

3. Until then according to the MC I am not to Call her, email her, write her, text message her or iniate any other contact with her.

4. I will take care of Jim and move forward under the assumptuin she is not comming back. I will do the things I need to do to live well and be happy.

5. I will get tested for STD just in case she had a PA without me catching it there is a rumor....

6 If she comes back (i have serious doubts) providing by then i would want her back... she needs to prove to me with her actions and deeds that she is 110% committed to me and marrage, no more internet games, full disclosure, and transparency, a change of employment away from the home wrecking (man hating) friends she works with. follow the MB rules and guidlines...

I think that does it for me..
Jim

Yep! Sounds like a plan!

Hey Jim,

I can see you're a bit hurt, p*ssed, and indignant at all that has happened. It does sound like you have a plan, which is great. It's on paper now, make it happen.

A few thoughts: Sounds like Plan B (officially) needs to happen. I see your MC advised the same. Have you given her a Plan B letter and truly gone dark?

Also, approaching this with a "get away from your man-hating friends" attack will prolly not go over well with her. Demands never do - and I'm sure you realize that. I hate my WW's new friends with a passion. I personally feel it's better to let your WW move away from the trash friends, make it her idea. My WW is starting to do that now, it hasn't gone unnoticed by me.

Dictating that she can't play computer games and such will prolly not be a winner either. If you get a chance, check out His Needs / Her Needs and read the chapter on Recreational Companionship.

As for the MB principles, I wouldn't try and force feed that. On another post a person asked if they should give their WS the book "Surviving an Affair". The recommendation they received that I liked the best personally is to subtly "leave it out in the open" for them to see, and maybe they will pick it up. Maybe they won't. His Needs / Her Needs is an excellent resource as well.

Definitely don't let her know about your posting here, WS's almost ALWAYS hate it - that will turn them against MB or feed their stubbornness.

Just my rookie thoughts,

Jay

Jim,
Please do not even think about a relationship with anyone right now. This is a great time for you to work on YOU so that one day- after you are over WW- you will be in a good place to move on.

Hi Jay,

I am offically in the anger stage of recovery according to my MC/IC. Yes I am rather tired of it all.

WW clearly indicated she wants a D, I said if she wants to talk D she needs to talk to my lawyer I provided her his name. I don't want to be difficult but that is why I have him. When she does file, I expect the process to be pretty cut, dry and quick...

Yes I have gone dark as of Tuesday, My M/C also says it is her opinion that my WW has moved on and I should stop all efforts to communicate with W. So i see no reason to have contact with her. as I said, I really don't have anything more to say to her.

A plan "B" letter, what I would say. Frankly right now I don't know if I want her back... I loved the gal I dated/married but I have not seen that gal in a while now. I don't know whom took over her body but I have no use for the person she has become. I am tired of lies, and mixed messenges and being made to blame for everything.

The fact is she lies when the truth would serve her better and be easier... And now I have zero trust in anything she says... What do i do with that. She says she isn't online yet i see she is on her myspace for like hours, i know she is chatting to other men or was before she went private.

I am also not sure I really want her back... I know I don't what the current version back...

And if she would want to come back (and I doubts she will) then what? she has poisened her friends and family kids etc...

I just don't know...

[/quote]

Jim,
Please do not even think about a relationship with anyone right now. This is a great time for you to work on YOU so that one day- after you are over WW- you will be in a good place to move on. [/quote]

Well I am not going to like search someone out... but you know if someone comes along who treats me right and makes me feel good inside... well a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush. I don't plan on pining for the STBX and waiting around like a love sick pup... while she is chatting up every tom, [censored] and harry...

Jim

Your plan sounds okay to me, although I wouldn't spend a bunch on an attorney just yet. As I keep repeating, you are very early in this. Your wife will probably want to return.

So looking for other women will only multiply your problems.

Learn to live by yourself. I know it is hard, but will be the best thing you ever tried. You are a good man, good looking, good job (should I keep going? LOL). You will do just fine.

I trust my atty as I have used him previously. I am sure he will provide me sound advice on what I should or should not be doing in reguards to his being retained... I do want to be ready for whatever happens...

Concerning women, I am not looking for a relationship per say... But I would like more friends... As I was raised with all sisters I am very comfortable around women... Now if I stumble accross someone special... Well i'll cross that bridge if I come to it...

I am looking for more friends to expand my support network, to help repair my self esteam, (like some here have been doing) and to have people to hang out with and have fun. Being alone isn't to bad so far, better then I had antisapated... Although cooking for 1 stinks...


Oh please keep going.... flattery will get you everywhere...LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jim

a parting note,,, My first Ship Captin used to say, "dont worry about the threat, be the threat and let the opponent worry about you...

JIm,
Just because she has done wrong doesn't mean that you should. You're still a married man until you're divorced.

It's also not fair to the other person to get involved with them- they stand a chance of being "the rebound girl" and no one wants to be that.

This is a great time to get to know yourself better and work on yourself.

I do hear every word your saying, I trully do.

I wish I saw even a single hint of any desire or intention with regaurds to me and the M. I just don't, she keeps running away as fast as she can. The MC doesn't see it either. Also the MC and WW IC are colleges, it has been mentioned they are sharing notes though she can't say anything about WW to me...

Jim

Well, regardless you do the RIGHT THING and you will be able to look in the mirror one day with dignity.

I went from having SF 2x per week w/ what was then my WIFE at the time to no SF for 11 months after Wife became WW. It was torture after the first 6 months or so as I am a very passionate, romantic and affectionate individual (not bad looking to boot..or so I have been told, ha ha) and we were in effect separated but I refused to allow myself to think that way until the D was over. I am so proud that I handled it that way. My children never saw me with another woman until months after we were D'd and only once then.

Hang in there.

H&P
Your not telling me nothing I haven't figured out. I am a talkitive guy and very on the romantic side as well... I just miss being around people. talking and having conversation you know... Yes I miss thge SF too but that is managable for the time being...

As for me I have no childern with WW. My only son is long grown up...

Jim

just a quick note... having a hard weekend, real lonley, I am really missing having someone to talk to... the dogs just can't carrya decent conversation...

Jim

I hear yeah and they keep liking places you just don't want to know about

I feel the pain. It does get easier as time passes.

Stay busy. That is what saved me. I cleaned and painted the house, organized, etc. I know it is snowing where you are so it will be very difficult for you.

You need to give your wife time to miss you. So far she seems to be doing okay, but it is very early.

i agree with the others...keep busy, work on you. it is ok to have friends and to socialize but be very careful with the opposite sex right now. my marriage ended at least 2 years before he actually left for good. no sf, no nothing for 2 years. just him having one either affair or ons after another. so, essentially, our marriage, even tho i was still trying like crazy, was done for a long time. when he left one would think i would have been ready to date, etc.. seeing i had really been alone all that time. but, i fell into something that really hurt, had sf with that person, and it really messed with my head bad.

i held off until probably winter (this was summer that happened) and dipped my feet in again, but still just was not ready and was finding what i was looking for. too many flags kept popping up all over ya know? not until current bf was i ready. and only because we have taken things very slowly, etc... this april it will be a full year we have been getting to know eachother. we started seeing eachother exclusively last august. but we still are moving slow.

if you are separated, especially legally separated, and since there are no children involved, and if you truly truly believe there is no chance for the marriage, i see no issue in dating. i don't think you have to wait until you are divorced, some divorces take years! but, i would just have friendships for now. the ending of the marriage hurts enuff, add to that getting hurt by someone else too and it just makes recovery that much longer and harder. btdt.

just my blonde 2 cents worth!
mlhb

I've been telling this poster about the people who date too soon, and then their spouse wants to come back. There have been several here, and it leads to more heartache. I think it is much better (no, not easier) to wait until divorce.

It seems to especially happen to the men. They move on, thinking the marriage is over, and when they get very attached to someone new, along comes wifey.

i agree with you believer that it sure does tend to be men who are just right out there dating right away... i don't get it. i was so not ready. i needed to heal and be just me for awhile.

i guess every sitch is different. i don't know a lot about this poster, but his stats show that this is all very recent. being so, i would think dating should not even be on the mind! would he want wifey back should she come back? i imagine he needs to completely decide that as well.

i am just coming more and more from the school of thought that infidelity so taints a marriage. god bless those who can work thru it, have true remorse, and can move on to have happy marriages. i just feel things are so ruined and so blemished after an affair. more so a physical affair i think. this is just me, but when there has been a pa, that person chose to take what was beautiful between 2 married people and tarnish it by making it meaningless by having sf with another person. i didn't want to be touched by what had been made tainted ever again. i gave many second chances, but once i knew my ex had been having affairs, sf was never the same again. i could block the pix of him with ow out of my head for so long. he ruined what was supposed to be just ours. i'd have to say, after a pa, i am of the school of no second chances. too many times i have seen marriages try to work after an affair,only to see the wayward one go wayward again. not worth it to me.

but i just went on a tangent didn't i! oops!

yes, for this poster, it seems def a bit soon to be dipping into dating. and no offense to those who have a myspace account... but oohhhh i just think that place is so not good news.plz be careful!

mlhb