Ok a question for other BS/FWW

I been told here by some and have a couple of female friends who think WW will be back before it is all said and done...

I was hoping you could tell me how long in your experence and from the experienbcs of those here (a time or window)
is more or less normal if a WW is going to return that they do make an effort to return.. and at what point is it pretty much a lost cause...

jim

I am a WW, and I can only tell you it took me about a year to get out of the fog,and am completely recommitted to working out my M,although I'm not sure my H is anymore,but I am fighting for it!Just don't give up on her!I'm sure she still loves you but it's hard to see that when you're in the fog!During my A I knew I loved my H,just took a while to come back to reality!She'll be back!

Ken 313,

Dr H states that most A's die out anywhere from 6 mos to 2 years. Are you able to stick it out that long/

That's the best I can offer. I wish you all the fortitude to endure this.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Well D papers have been filed...

There is a 120 cooling off period, then maybe another month to get on the docket. Our divorce is cut and dry no kids no monitary disputes... We will likly be divorced by July or on the outside August. If WW makes no strong moves toward reconcellation between now and then it will be over... Of course the million dollar question is will I want her back, I guess it will depend where I am at the time, how I feel, how she acts and how she owns up for leaving and how see makes amaneds... She will have to show me I am her #1 and only, she will have to show me she is making a 100% life time commitment or I won't go there again.

If your asking if I am willing to wait and put my life on hold for 6mo, 12mo, 24 mo for her to get her act togeather...

Honestly I highly doubt it. I am guessing but unless I see some effort from her and some hope she wants to make the M work very soon... I will move on and get back to living... If she trys to come back after... I don't know.

The fact is every day she is gone, I am feeling better about myself, stronger, and frankly every day she is gone some of the love leaves too. I am keenly aware I deserved better. I also know there are ladies out there who won't treat me this way.

So unless she gets her act togeather soon she may find Toby Keith's song says it all...

It’s a little too late
I’m a little too gone,
A little too tired of this hangin’ on
So I’m letting go while I’m still strong enough to
It’s got a little too sad
I’m a little too blue
It’s a little too bad
You were too good to be true
I’m big time over you baby
It’s a little too late

Update...
WW will have been gone 1 month tommrow, I have been a Black Hole since 2/20. Only one call to WW that was to ask for her lawyers name, lasted 2 minutes max, No R talk No small talk. Just who is your lawyer (none) ok my lawyer will call when you can sigh or he can serve you at work up to you... ok you will pick up... ok bye click

Wow another good day!

Definatly making progress, feeling stronger and stronger, more confident, upbeat even... I actually laughed and smiled and joked about the stitch today. Difanatly coming out of the niose dive and climbing back to crusing altatude! Anxiety is completey gone I would say. No Xanex since in like early the last week...

I feel like Jim again, well the pre-Bobi Jim anyway (minus chasing skirts)!

Went to the C+W bar this weekend and had a really good time, had a couple shots with my faviorte bartender Kathy, talked alot. She is pissed WW left after all I have done for her...

Then low and behold this Drop dead looker was flirting with me (she was with her BF who was to Busy BSing with his friend). She was standing real close and inside the normal comfort zone (maybe a foot), rubbing elbows, bumping into me, and popping a million candle power smile... When I left (alone) she said my bday is the 31 come on out I'll save you a dance... well I didn't act on the flirting just was receptive, went with the flow and was nice/friendly...

Man what a boost to the self esteam. It has been so long since I felt desirable in all this crap and to have someone (a stone fox to boot) chatting me up, well it felt darn good...

I have also made a friend (lady) we shared coffie at barns and nobal... Ok before the lectures start...

I know I need to be careful... WW is meating Zero EN and love bank is slowly draining...

The longer she is gone, the further she is in the rear view mirror...

I realize the new friend is meeting a couple ENs (converstaion, rec) since we talk and did coffie, and grabbed a bite... However she knows the stich and is like Believer and has even wagered a $20 bill WW will be back, me I took the smart money and said she won't be. Still I need to ne aware she is meeting some ENs... Of course right about now everyone is meeting more EN then WW! I mean the vet is meating more EN the WW... So unless I am a monk....

Anyway just wanted to report in all isn't lost...

Jim

Ok i think we all now the stick.
W and I have been seperated since Feb 6th (1 month). I have been dark since Feb 20 the only execption being 2 brief phone calls concerning the divorce action, asking for her attorney, and scheduling the meeting to negoate the temporary order.

I haven't done a Plan B letter since I didn't know what I should say that hasn't been said. I don't want the D.

I would perfer to reclaim our marrage and make it into what we had both dreamed of. I realize, I have issues and I have been doing my best to address them, (anger managment class) etc... she has issues too as everyone knows.

So should I write some fashion of plan B letter indicating,
my hope for and belief that the marrage could be saved and even better then before if we both choose to do work on it. I am willing to meet her EN and refrain from LB.

What do I say? I don't know of an active EA/PA at the moment.

ok pros i really need you help asap!!!

I am guessig things have deescalated some since the seperation. How do I proceed?

Jim

Jim,

I don't think it will hurt at all. In fact, I think it would be a good move for you. That way things will turn out good for YOU no matter what. It also sends a message to her that you indeed do love her and would like her to return - under conditions! NC, for one. You know the deal: NC for life with a plan to establish and maintain NC.

It is a love letter too, so that's why I say you can show this act of love. It may be the last act of love you show her - but you will feel good about doing it, and she will read it.

So, yes, I recommend you doing it. And I'm no pro, just someone who follows your story. I think it would be the best thing for you to go into a very dark Plan B and start to move forward, thoughts of her will consume you less, and you will feel much better.

Jay

You mean you don't have proof of any further contact with OM, right? According to your initial post, you had proof of an EA, possibly PA, yes?

As far as a plan B letter...what are your conditions for considering reconciling with her? Write them up here before you send anything to her.

Jay

I have a very high confidance the original EA is done.
OM was enforcing the NC... (wants nothing to do with her)

Now if she has established any relationship WA/PA since departing I have no way of knowing. Further I cannot spy as WI law says I cannot impeed (part of the divorce order)

I understand the love letter part, i have been very dark since the 20th, only contact has been brief (less then a minute) about divorce bussiness (asking if whe has a Lawyer, scheduling the meeting between her I and my lawyer for the temp order.)


Owl,
I am 99.9% sure the EA with MR 17 is over and there will be NC enforced by OM.

The possible PA was only a rumor from her EX H, that he "heard" something, No way to confirm or denigh it.


I guess the basic terms are the same as when we married.

We each recommit to have a 100% monogiomus emotional/physical commitment to the other person.

We choose to place the spouse as the #1 person in each others life.

We return to marrage counsleling and re-commit to eliminate the problems (LB)and meet the other spouses EN's as they need them meet.

When there is any problem/dissatisfaction with the other spouse to immeadatly bring this to the attention of the spouce so we can correct it to both persons mutal satisfaction, and not complain to friends family, who can't fix it.

To become the couple and have the marriage we both dreamed we would have. To work togeather and find our own way where we are consistantly both winning! Win-win or no deal.

We can do this by applying the MB tools. something like that...

When we are again back on the right track with each other and in aggrement with the above princibles we would resume cohabitation, and suspend/cancel the D..

Ideas...

Jim

I spoke with my IC/MC just now, she advisded that if the plan B letter would allow me to know I did everything I could, and to prepair me to move on then write it. She also said she dosen't beleive in her professional opinion Bobi will be back. She said she isn't 100% right, but that she is right a much higher % of the time then wrong.

It is her opinion that the W has moved on and desires the divorce. She did agree to be the intermeadary to contact if W desires ro Recon.

now what...

uggggg no commnets? no advice? bump...

Well, my opinion is that your plan B letter isn't telling her anything she probably doesn't already know. In your case, right now she's got no desire to keep contact with you from the sounds of it. That means that plan B isn't going to affect HER much...but it might save YOU a lot of heartache. Since she's apparently not actually involved in an affair at the moment, there's not much other pressure to change her mind on things right now.

Let me ask you this...you've been here long enough to have learned about EN's. Since you're not meeting her EN's right now...who is?

I think that any 'plan B' you do now is totally for you to get away from her. To give you time to heal. Your situation is a little different since there doesn't APPEAR to be an active affair on going...but honestly, I'm still not convinced. Unless there are some other factors in your marriage that haven't come up, its normally not usual for a spouse to just up and leave and stay gone when no A is ongoing.

Hi Owl,

I am pretty much in aggreement, Done a lot of thinking about this and I would rather not be rejected again. W is well aware of my position.

Yes I know about En's. I have no ability to spy. . What I know is she is still active on the internet, maybe she has started another EA, or maybe she turned Gay and her lesbien roommate is meeting them or maybe she is having an PA that went undetected, or maybe she left and had a PA in the Cue... I really don't know and frankly at this point I don't want to know the answer...

Complete seperation is helping me recover that I do know. My IC has moved me to every other week. I saw My GP doc today, my BP is back to normal, everything is looking normal, mood is good, anxiety is non-existante (execpt when i have to see or talk to STBX)... My GP ran an STD screen on me today in case she had an undetected PA. I want to be able to hit the reset buttion and prepeir to move on with life.

Since I know about EN's I also know my EN's are not being met... That is getting old real fast. Some would say wait... Well I have given a lot of thought to this. I have removed my ring, I am going to start dating again if the opportunity presents itself. This waiting is for the birds, it gives her to much control over my life.

The way I see it she put me on wavers, she walked away and cut me loose. I don't owe he nothing at this point.

If she dosn't come back (my bet) then it just dosn't matter, she dosn't care. If she comes back and I am not involved well I have a choice to make and Ill cross that bridge if it comes, if she dosn't like that I have been dating that is her problem she cut me loose I didn't. If she wants to come back and I am involved with someone who meets my EN and isn't LB, well I guess she is odd man out, still not my problem. becareful what you wish for dreams can come true...


I just know it is time to move on. Damn the torpeios and full speed ahead.

Jim

Well we did the lawyer thing today and signed the temporary property settlement...

God she looked great... She said I looked nice and asked what colone i was wearing and said it was real nice... (I was wearing new colone) She Even said the girls checked out my/our web site and noticed how much weight I lost and mentioned how good I looked...

the meeting proceeded pretty well... She started crying when she signed the pepers... We now have about 5 months and we are divorced...

After the meeting we stoped at the car and talked a few minutes, I gave her some mail and colone for her sons left. I gave her the concert tickets I had for her as I wouldn't go without her, they were for her said you take a friend, or what ever and if know one will go you have my number...


Then We talked briefly in my car... She offered up that she isn't seeing anyone one (I did not ask). things are going well with the girls... they don't have internet so she can only get on when she sniffs a wireless conection. said life is better without the computer more quality family (I have only been saying that for a Year) playing games and yatzee monopoly...

I Basically did a verbal plan B. Said I don't want a D but if you need this to be happy I understand and I will let you go. Told her I still love her and always will.

I told her I though we could make it good again if we both tried. Said we had 6 good years, 1 hard one... I said as the raw nearves heal if she re-thinks things and wants to give it another go She knows Kim's number (MC) and my number and we could resume MC and try again. Also said if we wnet back to MC the seperation wouldn't end until the M was back on solid ground. But we could postpone the D or cancel right up until the gavel knocks, all her choice. But i would never be #2 again I willbe her #1 and only 1 or nothing at all...

Said in the mean time I am moving on. said if she want to see / talk to me she knows where I live and she know my number. But i wouldn't be calling.

She aksed if she could come by to get the rest of her stuff maybe this weekend...

She cryed again, said she loved me leaned accross the counsel and kissed me twice and went to off to work...


OK what does all this mean? anyone hazard to guess

Jim

The night before my wife moved out... (she had already announced she was moving out the next day) she cried, and cuddled with me, and I think we had SF. and she cried that she didnt want to hurt me...

and the next day, she packed up and moved out.

if she really "loved you" so much, she wouldn't have signed the divorce papers.

I don't know where my wife's head is at these days. but I do know that on that day, all the apparently intimate words and actions from her... meant nothing. They had no effect on the course she had already decided to head on.

So, i wouldn't try to understand what those words and actions from her meant, on that day.
See what she does the day after, and the day after, and the day after...

Well she knows I am am heading for the door, new jeans, new shirt, new colone.. she knows i got an STD check yesterday said I needed to hit the reset button so I know what is what (she has HSV2) and I need to know if I am carring it or not...

I guess her actions over the next few weeks will tell...

Jim

PS: sounds like your divorce will "quickly" be finalized.

be a strong man, and cut out the "dating" stuff, until it is.

Ken313:

Well, it's the famous final scene isn't it?

She will be gone, or she will be back.

Leave it at that.

Give her a plan B letter.

State your terms for reconcilliation.
State your reasons for loving her.
State why you can love her again, if she returns.

Your verbal plan B doesn't really count. Because that isn't tangible, that's why it's a Plan B LETTER.

Then wait for a response. And if it never comes, then sign the D papers in 5 months.

Your still married to her until then. Ok?

Ken- As I've told you before, take this time to figure out how you got hooked up with a woman who ended up treating you so poorly after you were so good to her and her kids.

We don't know if she will be back or not, but let's make sure that you don't get into another situation like this.

Bobi.

This will either be the the first Love letter of many more to come or the last. That decision is in your hands.

I love you with all my heart and my soul, I have from the beginning and I do today. I have no desire to divorce, my only wish is to be your loving husband until my final day on this earth comes.

This past year has been very difficult for me, as you became entwined in the fantasy of Runescape, James and everything, you just stopped spending time with me, this was one of the most painful periods in my life. I missed the closeness and intimacy we used to share, I lost my lover and I lost my best friend.

I also acknowledge my own shortcomings that may have led to your escaping to runescape. I should have told how just much I loved you, I should have told how truly beautiful, and sexy you are. I should have been a husband who allowed you to fell safe enough to share anything with me without fear, and I should have listened better and heard you when you spoke. I should have stood strong for you and not listened to others when it came to your well being , for my mistakes I ask your forgivness.

Bobi I know iIf given the opportunity, together we can overcome anything, we can move heaven and earth together. We can rebuild our marriage. We can make it into what we dreamed it would be. I truly believe we can make a life together where we are BOTH eternally happy and fulfilled.

The conditions for our rebuilding our marriage are very simple.
We turn off the damn computers and look to each other to fulfill our needs. We recommit to each other to be the others one and only true love and make each other the #1 priority in each other lives. We turn to each other and seek each others counsel and agreement on any decision. We jealously guard and protect the others heart and feeling as if they were our own and defend each other against anyone who would harm us or our marriage as a lioness defends her cubs. I know this will be hard, but I also know I will do what is required of me to make this happen. That is my promase to you. I will also do what is needed of me to support you in your efforts to make our marriage a blessing.

I have already made my choice, that choice was made July 3rd 2001, it was affrimed on Feb 11,2006. You freely choose to take my ring, you freely choose to become my wife. Will you now freely choose to take my hand one more time and fullfill the dream that out marrage held when we place the rings on each other fingers?

Until you make this decision, we must remain completly seperated, without any contact, ( execpt in the event of an emergency, or meet legal requirments) I do this to perserve the love I have for you until such time as you decide to come back to our marriage. If you desire to contact me please contact Kim.

I love you BooBoo, and I hope you will choose to be with me forever.

forever yours
Jim